| You scored as Drama nerd.
Here I go. Shaking and nervous.
I feel like writing a whole lot. No I need to write a whole lot. But
the words keep getting caught up and sliced up in my throat…jumbled
in my mind and inexpressible to the world. I don’t have the
concentration to sit and channel my heart. But I need to. So I’m stuck
at an impass.
I’m tired. I’m tired of many things. I’m tired of unrelentless emotion
and circling resolutions that resolve to nothing. I’m rejuvenated and
free. I’m cast under the spell of summer and I follow no one. No rules
and no expectations. I’m afraid. Fearful of what awaits me and fearful
of what I never did.
I guess I never wrote the things I wanted to. I doubt the words will
ever find meaning or association then. I’m leaving tomorrow for camp
and frankly…I don’t really know what I was thinking. I suppose I’ll
just go and see what awaits me. I can only close my eyes and blindly
jump. But I am honestly quite nervous…I’m so out of practice and
unqualified when it comes to musical theatre…I’m scared I’m going to
be horribly awful. So it’s good that it’s only a week…it could either
be a week of pure and unexpected brilliance like Mountain Lake…or it
could be awful but only 6 days to endure. Either way I think I’ll be
okay. I doubt I’ll have internet access and if so…I won’t have the
time or privacy to write…so I have to admit that I’m disappointed in
myself for never writing the things that I wanted to write…but I
can’t regret that now.
Honestly I have no idea what stands before me. But I know that I’m
going to be pushed to limits I’ve never felt before and experience
things I’ve never conceived…so in that sense…I’ll embrace whatever
comes my way with an open heart.
I find myself in a strange place…with a foreign and unsettling calm
about my being. I’ve accepted summer as a passing flicker of
light…not to discharge the darkness…and not to contrast the
grey…simply for what it is. And that’s alright. I am in paradise. I
am so free. So alive. So captivated by the world and so enchanted by
the simplest of joys. But I can also see that it’s alright to accept
that maybe I’m just not one of those “summer girls.” I can jsut accept
that I don’t live like everyone else. That’s really really okay. I
don’t need it all. This has probably been the best summer of my entire
life. And I’m just so at peace with time. I’m certainly not looking
forward to school…but I’m not counting days…backwards or
forwards…I’m simply suspended in midair…looking no where but
straight ahead. This summer has been what I always wanted…time to
myself to be free and do what I wanted…not what my mother
wanted…and it’s been totally exactly what I wanted and needed…it’s
not that I’d be okay if summer ended right now…but I feel right now
as if I’ve gotten everything out of summer that I needed to…and so
this extra month is just more time to drift and dance with the stars.
Incredible. I still have time. I’m so pleased with my perspective right
now. Just so pleased with all the time I have left…and pleased with
how I spent my time already…not caught in between wishes and regrets.
But at the same time…I’m plagued with unceasing darkness…to the
point where it loses darkness altogether and pain just becomes an extra
limb. A growth that I have to live with. It fuses with myself so to the
point that the pain no longer exists. The tears and onslaught of
emotion remains stale and unwavering…but the pain is merely an
afterthought. I can cope with this. If life becomes a reality. Then it
no longer becomes painful. It becomes truth.
Maybe I’ll just write about the one night. Just for my own sanity. To
put it to rest. It was Tuesday, July 11th and I had become close with
the boys without really being close at all. Without really knowing much
at all…I felt comfortable enough to hang around with them till all
hours of the night…I just trusted them. They were wound up and filled
with enough bullshit to fill an ocean. But I trusted them and I honored
them and I adored their presence because they filled me with such hope
and juvenile laughter that it didn’t really matter what they were
saying or why. They just made me feel comfortable and worthy to bear my
own skin. So it was getting late…around 11 or so…Emlyn was out in
the woods salamandering…and the boys and I were lounging around the
pavilion with dazed looks on our faces. I was hesitant to sit there and
engage in another conversation filled with a variety of different
marriage proposals and awkward comebacks…for the previous night I had
found myself feeling thoroughly awkward after Will asked me to be his
“girlfriend”…to which I sort of giggled and didn’t respond. So
suddenly…with the courage of the night and the fierceness of my heart
set ablaze by these two strangers…I found a girl quite foreign to me
residing over me and filling myself up with a sense of spontinaity I
rarely ran across. Suddenly words were jumping out of my mouth and
ideas formulating before I even knew they were possible…I genuinely
have no idea where this idea came from…it didn’t even seem to be
mine…but suddenly it was there:
Me: “Let’s do something wild”
The Boys: “Psh. Yeah…like what?”
Me: “Let’s jump in the pond”
The look on their faces was inscrutable…surprised but incredibly
pleased…and I’m sure mine was too…for I wasn’t even quite sure what
I was saying. They seemed thoroughly in shock of me…not in the idea
exactly…but in the boldness with which I was approaching it…they
had only seen me bottled up and insecure…something that I rarely am
normally…but with two 17-year old boys I’ve known for a matter of
days…was certainly a reasonable thing.
After the thought was out into the air…it was followed by a series of
silly rhetoric and talk…mostly…”I’m down with the pond, are you
down with the pond?” “I’m down, are you down?” back and forth
laughing…but for the most part the action was quick and
instinctive…an incredible amount of lightness and faith in the moment
that could not be broken by anything. And before I knew it I was out in
the damp night air…sand in between my toes, watching as these boys
rapidly stripped right before my eyes…it was vaguely
unbelievable…merely because the moment was traveling so quickly and
so streadily…as if this had been planned forever and was merely being
taken out as fate’s wishes. I didn’t really know what I was doing or
where I was going but, swept up in the moment I just gazed as these
boys just fearlessly dived into the deafeningly black
water…and…upon surfacing…looked at me expectantly as if knowing
that I had never actually planned to join them…as if I didn’t have
the courage. But I was merely too dazed to know what was going on and
in a split second decision I flung my inhibitions to the wind and just
quickly flung off my jeans and sweater…tripping and laughing as I
did…and without another thought in my head…no meditation or worry
or joy…not a thought in my head…I dipped into the black abyss. I
wasn’t quite aware myself of was I was doing…and that’s what I found
quite remarkable about the whole experience…as if I was simply
exactly where I was supposed to be exactly when I was supposed to be
there…and at the same time I was truly living on a whim.
It wasn’t exactly rebellious or extreme…but it was completely
unexpected…and forbidden to go in the pond after dark. I found myself
unquestioning but unaware of what I was saying. The idea and the
proposal was not what shocked me…but the mere beauty of the
situation. It wasn’t an impressive feat…nor was it really anything
special…but just so magical…and liberating…and completely
thoughtless. That was the characteristic about me that felt so
transposed…I wasn’t even thinking…I was just saying…acting…and
that was a feeling quite inspired and thrilling to me. There was no
analyzation anywhere…just swift motion.
My head seemed to regain some conciousness once I reached the thick
platform directly in the middle of the pond…and suddenly I realized I
was about to pull myself up onto a platform holding two boys I had no
idea even existed a week prior…sopping wet…wearing only my
underwear…in the complete dark of night. And I realized it was bloody
brilliant. I suddenly felt so alive. And suddenly there we were…the
three of us…in the prime of teenage existence…lying on a fragile
platform in the middle of a pond on a mountain in the middle of no
where…no one in the world to see us…no one to judge us…nothing
could touch us. That’s when I felt truly free. It wasn’t a truly
spectacular event…but it was a truly spectacular experience. In that
moment…under the soft glow of lights…I felt entirely
free…entirely confident….entirely unafraid.
There was quite a bit more laughter and “Wow I can’t believe you
actually stripped down and jumped in the pond with us Lauren”…you
could tell they saw me in a completely different light now…their eyes
were completely bewildered. I was a little too. But at the same
time…I was so sure of everything. Everything I was. And I didn’t have
a single thought in my head like “Oh I wish Campbell could see me up
here with these two gorgeous boys” or “Boy is this going to make a
great story”…it was simply…”I feel so alive.”
Once we got to the platform…we were entirely golden. Just completely
untouchable. I didn’t know where I was or who I was or who I was with
but I felt so complete. I sat on the edge of the platform and dipped my
feet in the pond casually…feeling the soft, warm water graze my skin
and took in the surroundings for a while…gazing fondly at the lights
reflecting on the pond…the jarring mountains in the distance…and
the curvature of the night sky above me…bespeckled in glinting stars
and lay there…practically naked…with two strange unclothed boys and
felt still more unafraid. And we layed there in perfect harmony and
blissful paradise for what seemed like hours. Time seemed to stop and I
only recognized the feeling of black water on my skin. We talked about
everything. Laughing constantly. I had just met these boys and yet I
felt as if I had known them my whole life. They were utterly
perfect…giving and flattering and with the most adorable sense of
humor that you could grab hold of and lay with. And yet…I still felt
like they were too unknown to me…and I had yet to see the undoubtable
serious side of them…so I started asking serious questions…about
their lives…about their past…etc. And they were glad to
share…exploiting their ex-girlfriends and sad childhoods. I sat and
listened and giggled. Then there was a period of dancing where we all
stood up and danced naked…hahah…that was brilliant too. Then
finally they got annoyed that I wouldn’t share anything about my
life…and again…the transition was entirely thoughtless…in a split
second decision I suddenly decided to let go and share what I had to
share. So I gazed out into the mountains and just began
spilling…everything…and I could literally feel the walls collapsing
around me…it was a much more difficult and strange experience of
sharing my life than I had ever had…I felt jumbled and
hushed…unsure of how to verbalize everything. For someone who had no
idea of anything in my past…I was just a bouncing soul…it was sort
of fascinating to sharpen the edges around me…I wasn’t quite sure
what to say but words were just bouncing out of my mouth without much
connection or relevance…but they were out. And I felt free. And they
were interested. And they cared. And taht was enough for me. That was
beyond enough. They listened patiently as I described the horrors of
Rob, Kerr, Campbell, my father…and more…intent and aware but not
overbearing and not over sympathetic…and just halfway through
speaking they suddenly both just put their arms around me and hugged me
hard and close through my garbled words. I felt so completely in place
and so finally accepted and while very weak, finally very much free.
More so than I had ever been before. They were so sweet through the
whole thing…and when Will explained that his parents were also
divorced…I felt no longer alone…but not patronized or subdued in
anyway. Suddenly everything was clearer and brighter than ever before.
These boys were being entirely genuine and completely helpful and
heartfelt…and it was so uplifting. It was something I had never
known. It was simply magical. Everything. I just remember unscratched
darkness completely envelopping me all around…but with this
incredible glow and aura of magic around me…whether it was the boys
or the moment I’m not quite sure. But it was magical.
At some point we were suddenly struck by the presence of another human
being…and realized that some 40 feet away…Tommy’s dad was
approacing us…and we immediately layed flat on our backs…hoping to
not be seen. But suddenly he was calling to us and Tommy was
answering…hesitant but fearless and there I lay…hand over my mouth
trying to subdue my giggles…sandwiched between Will and
Tommy…gazing at the stars. Eventually Tommy’s dad walked
away…apparently not concerned that we were there…and the three of
us layed there under the stars for a few silent moments before breaking
into whispered talk again…them being so honest and fearless and
genuine in everything they said…constantly thanking me for being
their friend and saying how blessed they were that I had come up and
how rare it was to meet someone like me. Although I felt precisely and
unmistakably the same way, I couldn’t say it. I just soaked it up and
looked at the stars…hoping some of what they were saying would help
to mend my broken ego. Finally I realized with a heavy heart but I
forced giggle that Aunt Cheryl would come looking for me if I didn’t
get back soon…although she was being understanding letting me run
around with boys at night…she wouldn’t tolerate me showing up at 2 in
the morning drenched. So once I told the boys this…we finally
concluded our night deviations and headed for shore. I didn’t want the
beautiful moment to end but I also felt like I was still on the right
path. Everything just seemed clear. So I watched the boys dive into the
black water…and stood there uncertain…I hadn’t gone under the water
upon coming in for I was able to wade in and then swim above the water
to the platform…but now there was no way I was getting back without
diving…and I wasn’t exactly sure what was in the water…but I felt a
wave of uncontrollable sureness and in a most sensational moment of
blind faith and flight…I let go of everything…shed everything…and
without the slightest moment of thought or shred of decision…I just
leaped into the thick, motionless black water below me…ominous and
mysterious but so captivating…I felt entirely electric in that
dive…I’ll never forget it…and the plunge into abyss was entirely
energizing…as if I was gripping life by the tail and thrusting myself
onto it without a care in the world. So alive.
I surfaced gasping for air but completely stricken with a smile from
ear to ear and slowly but steadily swam back to the miniture beach
where the boys stood waiting…unclothed…the moonlight bouncing off
their carefully crafted muscles.
We were still laughing and joking when we got to the pavilion…the
boys still utterly shocked that I would have the nerve to not only
brave the pond at night…but to come up with the idea. I myself was
simply electrified and ecstatic. We ran around attempting to find
things to dry ourselves with but found that it was quite futile and all
went comando…laughing as I took a picture of us…victorious and
wet…before we finally headed out of the pavilion towards the cabins
without a look back. But everything ahead of us…a new understand of
each other…and a beautiful unreachable moment of connection in which
I had truly connected myself with another being. That was a rare,
beautiful blessing. They walked me back to my cabin in the dark…still
laughing, reminiscing and closer than ever…in their silly attempts to
“win me over”…Tommy picked a flower for me saying I was “so much more
beautiful than it” and then Will picked me one too…and they fought
over which one was better. Finally we reached my door…still
wet…still laughing…and still totally enchanted. I was completely
ablaze and still waving and whispering things to their shiny faces
below me as I opened the wooden door and stepped into the cabin
finally. They stood below me gazing up, blowing kisses and smiling
until I finally closed the door on one of the greatest nights of my
life. I had never had that sort of pure, blind love. Just complete
welcoming and generous giving. It was like my wildest dreams. What I
had always imagined. What I had always dreamed of. Right before my
adolescent eyes. Right there. And I was in the moment. In that perfect
Then I sort of stumbled around the cabin…hot and feverish with
happiness…satisfaction with life…disbelief and aglow with fresh,
summer love…clutching their flowers in my hand and breathing in the
aroma with all of myself. I couldn’t really get over how magical the
night was for quite awhile…so I just sort of sat on my bed in
disbelief for quite a while…wrote my organic feelings down and slowly
faded into peaceful, serene sleep. The happiest I had been in a long,
I have so much love in my heart for these boys.
Thank you for giving me one of the best nights of my life. Thank you. I
can’t thank you enough. I’ll never forget. I know that for sure.
I felt the whole night was meant to be. Precisely as it was meant to
be. I felt fate for one of the first times. Completely ahold of me.
Everything happened as it was supposed to.
Right now my Mountain Lake memories are fresh and crisp but frayed
around the edges…when I got home they were just lingering on my lips
and bright bountiful dew collapsing on every eyelash that I could
capture anytime I desired…now they’re beginning to chip and
fade…and soon enough they will become fragmented stills, painted in
the way I want them to be…and the truth will be lost and the beauty
will be forgotten…and it will be just another photograph. Oh I never
want that to happen. I want to live in that night forever. Forever.
The picture actually didn’t come out like I planned at all. I guess
that’s alright. It didn’t come out like much…you can’t really see
anything…but I actually really love it…it sort of captures the
night in a way I could never have imagined.
I want nothing more than to be back there with him. Pure unfathomable bliss.
Sigh. What is this life?
So here I go again…for another dark dive into abyss…
Thank you. ❤
Now I begin the long and difficult task of writing. Writing about all
of this. All of this beautiful journey. I suppose I might as well just
start…with Mountain Lake. And now…to dictate one of the greatest
weeks of my life:
We left on Wednesday, July 5th. I was reluctant to go…as in…really
reluctant. I wasn’t ready to leave my home and my friends to go to the
middle of no where…and I really had no idea what to expect…so when
I packed the things in the back of my Uncle’s car and strapped myself
in for a new adventure…I could only brace myself, close my eyes, hope
for the best and let myself go. Basically all of wednesday was spent
traveling….we left at 10 in the morning and arrived at the station at
10 at night. Ugh. We listened to HP book six the entire ride
though…which was loads of fun…except I slept alot. Then we went for
dinner at Cabo and I think did some shopping to get food and stuff.
Then we drove all the way up the mountain in thick fog and pulled up to
the lab…I had no idea what to expect….then we went to our cabin and
the musty wood smell filled my lungs. After settling in and such…I
finally went to sleep at like midnight.
Alot from that point on I don’t remember specifically…but I’ll write what I do remember…
Thursday, July 6th: I woke up at 11 or so and stepped out into the
gorgeous mountain air…then Emlyn and I went on a walk exploring
around and such…and got drastically lost and were just walking in
circles. But it was the first time I really saw the
station…everything is wooden and cute and log cabinly. There’s the
quad…which is this large stretch of grass with cabins on both sides
for all the single people and such…and then there’s the lab which is
this large but not exceptionally large building with, as expected, a
bunch of labs a small, cute library and classrooms….behind the lab
there’s a fairly large, sweet-looking pond and a pavilion next to it
which is a sort of wooden place without walls that has a pool table and
darts and such…to hang out it sort of. Then behind that there’s
another lab which is smaller but has a big construction room and a
computer lab and more labs. Everything’s fairly close but at the same
time it’s alot of walking everyday…there’s no driving you just walk
everywhere and it’s about a mile walk down to any sort of civilization,
service or cable. It’s all on a huge mountain…hence…Mountain
Lake…and there’s a nice resort hotel some way up the mountain…with
the huge, gorgeous lake and a hotel…it’s where Dirty Dancing was
filmed…Emlyn and I stayed there a few years ago for a few days….and
then about a mile up the mountain past that is the Mountain Lake
Biological Station…which is where we were. And it’s perfect for
biological research and such and is just as beautiful. Good stuff good
stuff. Then we went to lunch for the first time. It was so cute…it’s
a classic woodeness cafeteria and you stand in a line and get your
stuff and it was so pleasing. Sat with the family and Chris everyday.
Chris is my uncle’s old graduate student and so now he’s like my
uncle’s partner…he’s like 30 something and funny…I had alot of fun
with him. Anyway. After lunch we went on our first hike up to Bear
Cliffs which was so superb…the view is so worth it…just
breathtaking…and then Emlyn and I wandered around in the cliffs and
caverns and stuff which is just so awesome. Then we went to Cabo for
dinner again and ah then we tried to buy some alchohol and that didn’t
work…we bought Scattergories which provided us with hours of
amusement and then finally got ready for our first adventure
Well. We got on these huge rubber pants….waders…that are absolutely
completely nuts and then a headlamp which is just oh so sexy…and
trudge out a mile into the woods at 11 at night in pitch dark…then
kneel in streams and slowly upturn rocks looking for slimy salamanders
and if you see one…you catch it…put it in a plastic bag and keep
looking…tis a quality experience. I don’t know. It took a while to
get the hang of it and in the first hour Emlyn and I had caught like 3
but then we got better and ended up catching 23 total…which wasn’t
bad…and eventually it was sort of peaceful…strange though…to be
in the middle of the woods at 1 in the morning…but also sort of cool.
It certainly was an experience. The hike in the night there and back
was sort of fun because I just got to walk into darkness…my mind
filled with thoughts and not fearful of anything.
Thursday: Woke up at like 11 and went for a walk where Emlyn
and I got quite lost…then lunch…then we hiked up to Bear Cliffs and
wandered around which is a superb sight. Then went to Cabo for dinner
and shopped at Walmart and such which was also fun and then once we got
back to the station we played scattegories and then got all ready and
went out Salamandering in the woods…which was…an….experience. Heh.
Maybe I should only write about the really important things. There’s
not time for everything. I will never forget the night of Tuesday, July
Friday: Ahh was amazing. Worked…hiked around the woods getting
alchohol bottles…lunch…dinner…Hoedown…s’mores with
Saturday: Hah was sort of not that eventful. Lunch…worked…Youtube…dinner…Pirates…Drive me crazy and drawing and blah
Sunday: Lunch…shower…reading…hiking down to the hotel and adventures around the lake. Soccer game with boys.
Wow. Thoughts are literally bursting, bubbling and exploding from my
mouth…scratching to get out…and I don’t know how to express
them…or if I should…or if it’s even possible. This summer…or just
in the past year…I’ve set out on a spiritual quest…and I don’t know
even where to begin…
I have so much faith. So much blind faith in everything. In the
universe and in my soul and in faith itself. Just pure faith. Not the
sort of faith that can be tied down and dictated to honor solely and
unrighteously a Christ or a God or anything of the sort. I don’t
believe. I’ve looked and looked and tried and tried and I think I’ve
found I simply don’t have faith in Jesus. And I don’t believe in God.
At least not in the way that society and religion and history percieves
God. Not as a social phenonmenon provoked by fear and rooted in
hypocritical cruelty. No I simply can’t accept that.
Religion…spirituality…or simple faith…for me, comes down to what
I believe, what I want to believe…which may be crude, but I won’t
have principles thrust upon me. I may be able to respect aspects of
religion and the moral niceties…but I simply can’t resign myself to
it. And what I want to believe…is of a more profound nature…I
believe in the depth of life…not the worth. And I’m not afraid of the
reproccusions for these feelings. I believe if I myself can procure a
universe entirely unto my own…instituted on my own individual
faith…then the world ceases to hold any darkness. I can believe in
the power of Life…the life all around…not overpowered or dictated
by one First Cause…but merely existing…not for the sake of one holy
power above…but one holy power within. I desire to believe and I do
believe in the existence of something more…something…holy…more of
magic than holiness…more the sheer power of Life…life force within
everything that binds and unifies the universe. Our thoughts shapes the
universe. Creates it. And in this thought…we can relay power and
spirit to every individual in their own mind…every individual with a
life and a history and a universe all to their own…while at the same
time not deifing any individual, but rather deifying the power of the
individual, humanity and Life itself. Obliterating truth while at the
same time straddling truth on the crux of life. Fate and
predetermination thus exist only if they are believed to exist. One
truth is obtrusive and confining. Abstracted truth defines truth in a
more fragmented, spiritual way that can exist wholly. That is
precisely how we can all co-exist…with our own ideals and truths and
faiths. I believe in creation. An everchanging, timeless, imaginative,
abstract universe. Without beginning or end…but mutation. Death, in
that way, exists because fear exists…because we ourselves have
created a less profound, fearful life for ourselves. We have created
ourselves. In that way power is absolute and at the same time
meaningless. And the world hangs in a fragile balance of
reality…truth…nothingness and everything fused together founded in
principles of love, knowledge and faith. That’s the universe I can
submit myself to.
What if this Life is entirely mine?
The most amazing emotional journey of my life. The words were speaking
to me…delving straight into my heart and shooting up my spine like
wildfire…the energy was bursting and cackling and soaking up
life…the emotion was literally sputtering and spewing…overflowing
and organic and utterly unbelievable.
Somewhere within the first 10 minutes…it hit me whole heartedly: Rent is a fucking masterpiece. A true masterpiece.
I kept thinking over and over again…Jonathan Larson you are fucking brilliant. He really is.
Rent is pure emotion bubbling out of this electric, fiery heart…dispersed on a rugged stage. The characters are so
real and the emotion is so pure and fierce…the music so
heartfelt…it’s just human brilliance capsulized in this breathtaking
piece of art. My mouth was literally hanging open half of the show.
Dead serious. One of the greatest experiences of my entire life. I
never want to forget that complete awe-inspiring fabric of dozens of
emotions smothered in blazing stage light. Fucking amazing. It makes me
want to live.
It make me need to live.
Thank you, Jonathan Larson.
So this is finality. And this is the course of human life. Just moments
passing by. Home already and already back home. Life is just flying by
all around me. I can’t clutch anything. And I have rivoting thoughts
that can’t seem to stake themselves to the ground so they just flutter
past in a whirlwind of transience. Life just seems to bewilder me these
I’m not sure what to make of my little pang of love…I don’t know
much. I didn’t know what I wanted when I was with them. And most of all
I didn’t know that I would miss them this much. I do know that since
I’ve left I’ve thought only of them everywhere I go…wished only to be
up on that lonely mountain…for just another day…and this
unreachable idea is consuming me. I really am attracted to the
unreachable. I’m always reaching. Always wishing. And it’s not that I’m
never satisfied once I reach it…I just never seem to reach it in
precisely the way I want to. And if I do then I just wish that I could
reach it more often. This past week was truly a miraculous gift. That’s
all I can approach it as. And so I don’t know what to do. I suppose the
only sane thing I can do is look at it for what it was…not what I
imagine it to be…remember how I felt with them and what I thought of
them organically…not composed, rehashed and repainted in
anyway…regard the moments…treasure the moments…box up the
memories…keep them for self reflection and as an experience…to grow
from…love the memories…cherish…and above all that…move on.
Don’t forget. That’s the sane path. Reality sucks. But that seems to be
the only thing I do. Capture floating fragments in time…hold them in
my shaking, pale hands…then release them back to the still air…blow
them a kiss and wipe away a tear. Is that all life really is…just a
scratch on a faded pastel “Lost but not forgotten”…”It’s better to
have loved and lost then to never have loved at all”…? Questions
questions. Cliches. Goodbyes. That’s what my life seems to have been
reduced to. Brilliant, blazing moments implanted on a bleak night sky.
I seem to have accepted life as a night sky…Thousands of tiny,
flickering balls of hope suspended in deep…dark…abyss. Glittering
teary stars. That’s beautiful. But that’s not fulfilling. And it’s
always out of reach. God damn out of reach. I can only reach heaven
from the other side of the road. I don’t know where to go in that case.
Up. Down. How do I live my life? Right to left? Left to right? Nothing
is steady. I keep chasing my tail. It’s all the same. Dips into
darkness…tranquil moments of serenity…tears and tragedy…a
flickering smile to gravitate to the next day…and then a grey sky.
And then all over again. I want something more. I want something so
much more profound. I want absolution. I want abstraction. I want
something true. Imagination is the only place with solace. This world
has bolts and bars…but the mind has leafs and leafs of fresh pages.
Life turns out to be alright if you accept that your heart will never
be mended…Hearts sustain a few bullets, at least one knife, an black
and heavy disease, a few quarts of paint…and a heady and splintered
arrow…right down the middle. Dripping and surrendered…it is thrust
upon a fractioned world. With not a remedy in any vast chasm of the
world. No. Hearts are not meant to be healed. My heart was meant to be
broken. Scars are my only consolation. So then that’s alright. That’s
all. Right. My heart was meant to be broken.
Everything just feels unceasing. Unending goodbyes. Hellos goodbyes and
fragments in between. Even my writing feels contrived and uninspired.
Just the same old shit. Over and over again.
Right now I’m just feeling unsatisfied by life. Unsatisfied by
everything. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why I miss these
boys so much. I mean I can’t
even tell Emlyn how much I miss them because I feel like it’s
embarassing. And honestly it probably is…I mean I knew them for a
week. They weren’t that
great…and we didn’t do anything…we just had a few laughs. I wish I
could look at things in the right perspective. I mean I’m starting to
understand myself the more I think about it…but I don’t like who that
person is. Overdramatic and obsessive. I really am obsessive. And
unexperienced. I mean really…unexperienced. Which is…I mean…good
in some ways…I guess. But not really. I suppose the only reason I
feel bad about my inexperience is because of social pressures to have
done something…but it’s not really because I don’t want to…it’s
just that I’ve never had the oppurtunity. I had the oppurtunity with
the boys. But blah. It’s not about that. It’s not about that at all. I
just wish I could look at this in the right way…but also I’m glad I
can’t. Because then I would probably see that it was just nothing. I
mean really…nothing. And they probably don’t care and I’ll probably
never see them again in my life…and they were just lonely atop the
mountain. But for me…that was honestly a dream come true. A literal
dream come true. To have these perfect…attractive…sweet
boys…clambering after me trying to impress me and wanting to be with
me…no recollection of my past…or the me that seems to scare
everyone away…no worries…and no chasing after them…just people I
wanted to be chasing after me…actually chasing after me. And me not
overanalysing it or making it bigger than it was or being in “love”
with them. Just people I could lay around in the summer sun
with…laughing and talking about nothing…away from myself…away
from the people that I hate and the self that I hate…just in pure
bliss. Just getting to start over…and having people accept who that
person was. Then a few days before I had to leave it hit me how I
really felt…or at least I realized I cared about them more than I had
thought…I mean really cared about them…an I was unable to express
that. And unable to sort it out. I have no idea what that was…whether
it was true…finally real truth…or just me fabricating something
I’m so sick of myself. Why can’t I fucking fall in love for real. Why
can’t I shed this horrible fate. Why can’t I find someone. Why can’t.
I. Live the life I want to. Why can’t I be with them. Why can’t I be up
at Mountain Lake still…lying in Tommy’s arms and telling him how I
really feel. And why can’t he tell me the same thing. This is fucking
perfect now. Just enough to hang on. Just enough to fabricate and
imagine and run through these memories over and over and over again
until they’re much much bigger than they ever were before. Why can’t I
just keep creating new memories with them. Why am I given slender
threads to grasp and heave upon…cry upon their frail but tangible
reality. And fantasy. Why can’t I just kiss them. With my real lips.
Maybe that’s it. Maybe I will never be able to live a real love and
give myself to reality until I’ve tasted reality…until I have…in
true and full reality layed my lips upon anothers. Maybe that will
break the spell. Or maybe I’m fated to walk this lonely and desperate
road forever. Dramatic, scarred and ablaze. A constant fiery heart.
That’s the gift I’ve been given. Easy to give love. Not easy to love.
And never anything real. Fated to wish and wait and wander and wish and
wish and hope and fantasize and wish and dream. And then be thrown
scattered fragments of truth…just enough to feed the fire…but never
put it out. I CAN’T FUCKING STAND MYSELF. I WANT OUT. I WANT OUT OF
THIS FATE. I HATE MY FUCKING HEART. I WANT A NEW ONE. I DON’T WANT TO
LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE I MEET. I WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME. I WANT
EVERYTHGN AND IT’S NOT THAT MUCH TO ASK. FUCKING HELP ME.
I’m caged in to this heart. A victim. How have I never seen this all
along? I’m not a slave to the men…to the memories…to the
choices…to the mistakes…I’m a slave to my heart. My fucking heart. God it’s all so clear now. Just cut it out. Just cut my heart out. Soon the bleeding will end and then I’ll be free.
I have a problem. I have a fucking problem. I have a heart lead astray.
With no salvation. And no one can save me but myself. And I’m fucking
caged in. I don’t want to die. I want to live. But I’m boxed into my
heart. My fucking sentimental heart.
Why feign love? When it damages me so. Why not just breathe? Breathe alone. And without a crutch.
My pain is everlasting. But it’s become a crutch. And I don’t know how to live without it.
Mountain Lake was beautiful. I mean truly beautiful. It was an
incredible time. And I’m not ready to part with it yet. I don’t know
what to do. I know this moment will slip away. And now…with these
memories vivid and clear-cut in my mind…I linger upon distant
remnants and cherish it all…but soon I will be on to the next memory.
And that’s the circle I’m so sick of. I just wish I could stay in this
abyss and glory of Mountain Lake forever and ever and ever. Just no
where. With everything to do and nothing to expect. And those darling
loving boys that made me feel more worthy than I had in years. Like
there really was hope in the world. Sigh. I don’t have enough time
anywhere. Just cherish everything.
I suddenly was just able to delete the No One Is Alone on my
profile…which I was going to keep up until…well I don’t know. Until
I had moved past Ms. Ohm. I just felt completely free to delete it. So
I don’t even know where I am.
I suppose life just travels on in this circular pattern…and that’s
all you can have and all you ever will have. So take it for what it was
and love every bit of the memory. And look forward not to living in the
past…but to creating new memories. Nothing is over.
Now it’s time to put this on the shelf. You can always look back. But
don’t dwell there. I can’t do this. I have to accept the course of
time. And know that I have new victories to taste.
Here goes nothing. Relive it once more. Then drop it. It really was
beautiful. It really was. I’m happiest there…of any place on earth.
So much peace. And these moments can never be recreated. Accept the
frail, passing beauty. Take everything as a gift. Everything. Every
single moment. Nothing is filler.
I look at these pictures. Myself a stranger. These moments captured on
film. Everything is surreal. Pictures don’t do it all justice. I can
taste it all. I can see it. I can feel the mountain. I want to be back
there more than anything. Why can’t I just go back there. Why can’t I
just be there. I want it so badly. So much wishing. Ugh. I was not
prepared for this at all. Remember all this beauty. Treasure it. I
remember it all so clearly.
Let it all go.
It was truly like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. Pure bliss and true peace. Sigh.
Change is just everywhere in my soul. I really feel like this has been
a life changing experience. I just feel like an entirely new person. I
know they’ve taught me so much. About myself. About life. Change. Thank
“I don’t own emotion, I rent.”
From possibly one of the greatest weeks of my life I realize now.
I miss the boyssssssssss.
Sighhh. Home sucks. Life sucks. Reality sucks. I want to be back on the
mountain where the air is sweet and time is merely a number. And where
I can see those boys shining faces and hear their raucous laugh. And where I
can look up and actually see the stars. I mean really see them. Really
just feel everything. Bahhh. I miss Mountain Lake.
I miss Tommy’s walk. I miss Will’s eyes.
Blah I really don’t know what to do. I just can’t stop thinking about
them. I just can’t. I don’t even want to to. I just want more than
anything else to be with them alone in the dark on that big black
mountain running through the grass. I simply can’t get these thoughts
out of my head. I suppose I’m glad I didn’t hook up with them or
anything because then I’d be even more attached and be even more sad
now…but at the same time I’m left with tis twinge of deep scathing
regret and emptinesss that accompanies missing one of the sweetest
gusts of fate ever to sweep past me. I guess I don’t know what I’m
wishing for. So now I’m left with the horrible inbetween feeling of
minlged reget…satisfaction…blessed for the experience…glad to be
hom…missing them..but mostly being consumed by thoughts of them. And
I can’t live with that. That’s precisely what I can’t live with. This
is just mnot good. But I can’t forget how simple and beautiful they
made everything…how special they made me feel…and how uniquely
blissful I was with them. Like nothing could touch me. Not thinking
about having to impress anyone…not thinking about the future, or the
past…merely the giggles that escaped my mouth and the freedom of
night air. I do wish I had spent more time with them. Sigh. I miss them
alot now. And I don’t exactly know what to make of this situaion…I’ve
never had this before…a sweeping friendship…up and down in the
course of a week…out as quickly as it was in….without the desperate
long waiting or the chastising games…simple honesty…feelings and
laughter. One I don’t know how to let that go and two I don’t know how
to grasp the concept of “Have a good life”…these people that rushed
into my life and left a mark on my heart and now I’m left with not a
fleeting feeling of “missing you” and “wish you were here” but I’ll be
seeing you in a month once you get back from camp…this is more of a
“I’ll never see you again in my life and you taught me so much about
myself and I want so earnestly to have more time with you but I can
never see you or hear you ever again.” What are you supposed to do with
that? What on earth are you supposed to do with these sort of
experiences? Cherish them…hang them on a shelf…polish them every so
often and admire them from afar…never to delve into that realm again?
These sweet treasured moments…simply memoires and only ever memoires?
I don’t really know how to grasp that. I don’t know what to do. I just
can’t get them out of my head. I don’t want to get them out of my head.
Because then it’s really over.
I miss my boys.
I miss homeeeeeeeeeee.
Will licked my face last night.
That’s all I have time to write now.