Phew. I jsut had a minor heart palpitation. For the past few days it
wouldn’t let me log into my xanga and I was frazzled. But it’s all good
now. Sigh. It’s the last day of June. What the fuck is that.
concert tonight…leaving any minute now…I’m excited but I don’t
really have any idea what to expect…should be hot though…I guess
it’ll be the last time I’ll see Melissa for a while…I don’t know…I
don’t know about anything…honestly. I jsut don’t know. And tomorrow
it will be July. Wtf is that. A third the way through summer. Sigh. I’m
sort at peace with everything though right now…it’s really good…at
peace with my fate…with my life…with my pain…with my pain…my
friends…my lost love…my past…and my future. I guess everything’s
going to be okay…at some point in time. Sigh. I don’t know most
I hope I don’t get raped tonight…sigh. June has been
beautiful…fun…exciting…relaxing…hazy and wonderful. July holds
even more surprises…and I’m at peace with time as well. Sigh. Sigh. I
don’t exactly know what else to say…there’s not much to do other than
lie beneath the blue sky and feel the heat of the sun. Summer days are
transitory and completing.
I don’t know where I’m going or where I am and I think I’m alright with
that. I can dwell in fantasy so long as the fireflies glisten.
But how is it the last day of June? The earth spins so quickly.
So ya…I have no idea where Amy is……I’m a tad concerned…..
Now I’m getting antsy…I feel like writing for days…but honestly…I
have nothing to say…I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sigh. I’ll
just keep breathing and keep taking what life gives me. I’ve lost alot
of things I had. But I’ve found lost pennies along the way. Enough to
Amorphous Ellipsis says:
a booby trap that actually catches boobies!
I just saw Brokeback Mountain for the first time.
And I’m not sure what I thought. I’m trying to sort out my head…but
it definately touched me…it was affecting…yet I’m not sure how to
sort out whether it was good or bad. Maybe it’s neither…but simply
what it is.
I thought it was poignet…and touching…and heartbreaking…at times
I didn’t feel like it knew what it was trying to be…whether a love
story…or a point on society…or about identity…or fear…or
escape…and I was a little disappointed that they didn’t address those
issues…but the silence was quite beautiful and it’s almost better
that they didn’t bang the truths of the film over your head…on the
whole…I thought it was beautiful. I really really liked it…a whole
lot more than I thought. Maybe I was predisposed to like it…because
of the subject matter or because I felt like fighting for it…but I
honestly found it real and moving and haunting…I think the end
dragged out a little too long and the end wasn’t perfect…but it’s
alright. I think the story translates much better as a short story,
rather than a feature length film…but I think it had some truly beautiful moments and meaning. I don’t think that it was a
great film…I don’t think that it was worth the hype…but I think it
was great for what it was…and I loved it. In a phrase…it was
I’m waiting for the day that it wouldn’t be considered “The Gay Film” and simply a love story.
So um….I’m an idiot? Yes. I’m an idiot. Well Emlyn and I are. At
least we’re idiots together. But mostly me…because it was my idea.
We got caught…majorly…heh.
Sigh. It’s my first grounding in a long time…
Last night was such a cliche movie moment…it was almost worth it…I don’t know.
I don’t really know who I’ve become…I suppose I know myself…I just
don’t know how I got here…how my concious has slipped so
And I’m in love with Danny. And I’m going to miss Campbell. I can say
that. It feels good to be able to say that. It’s in a friendly
way….86%. That’s the best I can do. And I’m alright with that…
I’m in such a weird place right now. Such a weird place…not really
bad…but just sort of serene…and I don’t know…I just haven’t
really been thinking about anything…I haven’t been writing…I
haven’t been in love…I haven’t been missing…I don’t know where I
am…I don’t really miss Mark…and I don’t feel a need to talk to
him…which is really good…I’m thinking about Campbell…but only
very recently…since Thursday…because he was so sweet…I want to
see him again before he goes to Maine…but maybe I don’t…maybe I
just want tohave that memory of him for the rest of summer…I haven’t
felt the need to talk to Rob…and I honestly didn’t even miss Jeremy.
How weird is that. Very weird. Didn’t talk to Amy…didn’t see
Christina at all before she left…I’m not mad at my friends in any
way…and it’s not that I don’t want to be with them either…I’m just
in a strange place…it’s not even an independant and despondant
place…just…I guess I’m very in tune with myself…or maybe not at
all. Sigh. I’m very in tune with Danny. Teehee. That’s what I am. ❤
And Mat. She’s amazing too.
Sigh. Wow. Just…wow. Ahhh great day. I mean really…honestly….great day.
I…I’m just so genuinely happy…I think this is probably the first
time Campbell has made me feel genuinely, mutually and platonically
happy…in a long…long time. It’s been too long. But I’m so glad the
sun finally came.
It was funny…driving there today…my mom said “So the weather is
supposed to be rain, then sun, then rain, then sun, then rain…off and
on in spurts all day today”…I sort of glanced at Campbell and said
“Yeah…It always seems to be that way”
Well it turned about to be a tiny bit of rain in the morning for a few minutes…and then bright beautiful sunshine the entire day……..Sigh.
That’s about all I can say right now.
This is the memory I want to have of him for the rest of the summer.
Simply thing. That genuine smile. Nothing more…nothing less.
You make me feel………….so much.
Sigh. So. I suppose…officially….two weeks into summer…what the
hell is with that? I don’t exactly know what that means…other
than….bliss. And hope and prospoerity…this is still the good part
where you’re breaking in and absolving in summer…but soon I’ll cross
the threshold into feeling regretful that it’s going by so fast…as
for now…it’s quite lovely to say the least.
I really. Really need to write. Like a lot. But tomorrow I’m going to
Six Flags with Campbell (yes campbell) and Jackie…so I’d better rest
and prepare myself for what I’m sure will be a very interesting day.
Sigh. How the hell did I get myself into this? Oh dear…….
WellUMissed1229: so ur goin to 6 flags tomorrow
AnInnocentBanjo: i dont know yet
AnInnocentBanjo: i was going to go with jon and caroline
AnInnocentBanjo: but they disappeared
AnInnocentBanjo: and i feel like im intruding on u and jackie so i dont know
WellUMissed1229: not really
WellUMissed1229: its not a date
AnInnocentBanjo: haha ya
AnInnocentBanjo: well ill see
WellUMissed1229: u should
What the fuck.
Oh sigh. Oh life. How lively. I’ve been in an obscene cleaning spree
lately…sigh. At least things are getting clean…other parts of my
past may not be…but I’m liking the time alone. Sigh again. Things are
on the mind…I’m trying to clear some of the clutter in my
cerebrum…not working…I need to write…but for the first
time…I’ve sort of lost the motivation…which is really actually
shocking…so I don’t know what to do…I’ll clean and craft and play
and not think until I’m hit with some inspiration or emotion…as for
now…I like the meditative lifestyle…and I love Katie and
(Oh and the layout is just a temporary thing…sort of…maybe…long story)
In the week since summer has started…I’ve drank…snuck out three
times…been to NYC with C-Line…been stalked by the police…hung out
with my old best friend…been to Ms. Ohm’s house…been in sketchy
stoned 18 year-old’s cars at 4 in the morning…jumped a fence and gone
swimming at 3 in the morning…run around pantsless lighting fireworks
off….made a music
video…finished my journal…and more…so I think I could say…Life
This is the excessively corny, sappy, silly, retarded, worthless music
video I did for sophmore year…pictures seem appropriate for the
year…fractured moments in time captured in one second…and Seasons
of Love really seemed appropriate…a good way to look at the year…so
the final product was alot lighter than the year deserved…but I think
it’s alright…the video itself though sorta sucks…I didn’t have much
time to do it…but it’s all good. And I think the very very last
picture sums up sophmore year pretty well. Sigh. Here it is…even if
it does stretch out the page:
I think it’s time now…I think I’m ready now…to let this go and embrace summer. Oh sweet summer.
June is already halfway over…what the fuck is that?
I LOVE BROADWAY!
AND TREE AXE!!!
AND CAROLINE KEHOE!
I have alot I need to write. For a long time. Before this all passes me by…
Do you believe in fate?: Not sure. In some ways…very much so. But I’m not a huge fan of predetermination…
Whats the one saying that you live by?: No day but today?
Do you like vampires?: Love em.
Who’s your favorite Author?: Hmm….ummmm. no idea. rowling? heh.
Fav. poet?: Wallace Stevens rocks. Cummings is actually pretty cool too. Not sure on that one…
Whats your dream job?: Joe Carugati’s sex slave. hahaha.
Do you write songs/ lyrics?: I like…pants
Poetry?: Er…I dabble. And fail miserably.
Ever been compared to an animal, if so what one?: Not that I recall…other than bird…but Byrnes looks like a mouse
Whats one song that describes you perfectly?: Um. Not sure…alot of things? Hey Jude seems to be my song…but not sure…
How do you feel right now?: Ecstatic hahh
If you could write your own biography, what would it be titled? how I escaped the rabid fire-breathing/flesh-eating dinosaurs from guatemala.
Whats your favorite book?: Uhhhhhhh. Duno?
What “= Life” for you?: Sex. Music. Love. Bubble tea. Heh.
Who’s your best friend?: The inside of my mouth.
Whats the one thing that you cannot live without?: Oxygen…and a nice pair of slacks.
Are you dependent or independent?: I defy gravity.
What is your very first thought in the morning?: Mark is hot.
Do you think your attractive?: Like a geranium.
Whats annoys you?: Pants…and a lack there of
what pisses you right the fuck off?: Oh. Um. My friends alot of the time ahhaha jk
What makes you content or ok?: Bubble tea…
What makes you overwhelmed?: School…my life…rape…
What makes you really happy?: Sex.
What really scares you?: Jeremy Mantell.
What makes you jealous?: Jackie Evans.
What makes you envious?: I believe this is a synonym for the above…I could be wrong…
What makes you want to scream?: Ugh. Alot.
Ever think that your insane?: heh. Alll the time.
Have you ever done your own piercings?: Nah. Melissa does though.
Ever ran directly into a wall?: haha all the time
Whats your most embarrasing moment?: Um. Um. Dont want to talk about it haha
Whats the worst dare that you’ve ever done?: Had sex with a fish.
What does your room look like?: A pimp attic
Whats the worst injury that you’ve suffered from?: umm. duno….
What was the worst prank ever pulled on you?: No one really…pulls pranks on me…
Whats the best vacation spot?: My pants
What is beginning to get really overrated?: Allegra Smith.
If you could murder someone with out ever getting caught who would it be?: Heh.
If you could live eternal life would you?: I would…keep living…
Who do you go to for guidance?: My pants…
To randomly talk to?: Everyone
What would you change about yourself personality wise?: Alot…
Would you change anything about your body?: Umm. I suppose..
What is your favorite color?: Purple
Are you mysterious?: People that don’t know me think I am…but I suppose that makes sense…all my friends don’t think so though…
Well that was…………..nice……..
Now I’m ready to let summer in. Now I am. Here we go…
Tonight = Amazing.
This summer = greatest summer of my life. I can feel it in every inch of my body.
dolphinboi1334: can you believe all the stuff
dolphinboi1334: we did
dolphinboi1334: i mean we ran across town
dolphinboi1334: without pants
AnInnocentBanjo: every thing about that thing in the park was illegal
dolphinboi1334: it was amazing
I won’t even go there……just. Amazing.
Ok let me just write down this shit before I forget it…basically…Jeremy and Emlyn are AMAZING drunks…this is why:
-Emlyn throwing seltzer water at random people…even asians in cars
-Jeremy taking a 12 foot pole and pretending it’s his erection and trying to fuck the wall
-Jeremy stripping down naked on the side of the road!
-Jeremy peeing right in front of us
-Being drunk in massimos with 2 cops there and completely getting away with it
-Jeremy calling up Kerr and asking for beer
-Jeremy asking Cait Speaker for beer
-Jeremy molesting me
-Jeremy throwing pizza at Emlyn hahaha
-Jeremy with an erection…..awkward
-Jeremy being SO racist and rude
-ED! The pedafile that stalked us…yessss
-Jeremy whacking that sign obscenely
-Climbing up that stairwell and onto the roof of some random building with the mexican watching us
-Jereremy smashing the bottle against the wall
-Me laughing uncontrollably…that’s about all I did haha
-Jeremy knocking on the wrong door hahaha
-Trying to break into Tim’s house
-Drinking on the roof
-Me literally being IN Jeremy’s pants
-The three of us running across town wearing literally NO pants…in
our underwear…drunk…in the black of night…into the park that is
illegal to go into at night…and lighting fireworks that are illegal
in NJ 5 minutes before our parents are getting home…can we just say
how much of that statement is illegal….soooo amazing.
Then we watched Mulan and some sketchy black women show and made cookies.
SUCH an amazing night. Highly illegal and highly fantastic. We need
more nights like these. We need a summer full of nights like these.
Here we come summer ’06…underage, uncontrollable and unleashed.