So this is it then. This is the morning after.

For some unknown
reason…I feel horrible…because I’m not crying. I feel like I’ve
already let go of it all. But no. I wish I could just cry and cry and
cry. But I can’t. What is going on?

I thought I would be filled
with a great chasm of emotion and inspiration to just write and
write…and now I feel as if it’s really over…and I’m alright with
that…that is exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want. I want to
wallow in this moment.

Never again. That play is gone forever.
The words scorch and haunt me. The world is gone. I loved every second
of it. And right before my eyes…it’s all over. And one by one the
pieces of my heart collapse. Once again…my love ripped from my heart
so effortlessly.

So many thoughts and feelings are flooding
and plaguing my mind…I can’t even make sense of them all. I don’t
know what I’m feeling right now or why…

But I regret not just
writing everything out last night…I had all this emotion and I
decided to wait until today when I could just spill it all out…but
now I’ve woken up with hardly no emotion or grievances for this
situation. I feel at peace. Which in someways is very good…in some
ways…I feel like I’m just bottling it up. I wish I had stayed up last
night and reveled in the magic of that day. That day will always be
immortal. I wish I had stretched it.

I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I suppse I should just start to chronicle this incredible journey.

It
seems I’ve been entirely disconnected from the world for a good week.
It’s funny coming downstairs today and seeing all this stuff I had
never seen bfore. I was totally in full on performing mode for the past
4 days. Ugh. And now it’s back to reality.

Aw now I’m pissed
because the hun website had a whole page about Lysistrata that I was
going to copy and paste but now they took it down because it’s too late
and it’s over. Now I’m sad again.

I don’t care. I don’t care about anything else other than Lysistrata and just clinging to this moment forever.

Here
we go. It must have all started on Thursday. I was so excited. As
usual. It was an intense day. School was fine. Whatever. I don’t care
anymore. I got my shirt. I don’t really remember any other classes.
Talked to camps and bob while melissa braided my hair activities
period. that was sketchy. I don’t remember lunch. Or anything else
about the schoolday for that matter. It just doesn’t matter to me
anymore.

After school we did notes and a speedthrough. As much
as it was terribly boring and tiring…I didn’t want to let it pass
because I knew it was my last rehearsal…ever.

Then sam and I
went in Lucy’s car with Jen to Wawa. Woot. That was fun haha. I love
being in Junior’s cars. They’re so much fun.

Then we came
back…and I literally spent 2 and a half hours in the theatre with
Ohm. So glad I did now. It was so much more important than any dumb
running around with friends. It meant so much more. We just talked and
talked. Jen was there too. And Ms. Ohm’s old student…he stopped in
and talked to us…apparently he was the “First Dan Reiss”. Heh. He
knew my brother…so taht was cute. Haha apparently then he got in an
accident with Katie after the show and he told her that he was like in
love with Jen. Hahahaha. And oh. Really funny Melissa Kay story. Ha! So
apparently at Hoagie Haven the guys were talking behind the counter in
spanish and Carla could translate it cuz she’s fluent in spanish…and
they were like “She’s really pretty but she’s too short” and the other
guy said “No, she’s JUST the right height”…….ahhhhhh ahahahaha.

Hmm.

Then we got ready for opening night…eee….squeal!

Haha the braids totally RUINED my hair and my hair literally exploded…It was like the size of a watermelon. It was soo funny.

Ok.
This is going to take a lifetime to write about the magic of this
night…And I don’t think there’s anyway that I can really truly
capture it. In that moment…I swear…we were infinite.

We all got ready…the excitement electric and fiery through us…and
all got onstage and warmed up…and then Ms. Ohm began to speak…and
we were all fine for a while…until suddenly Jen started sniffing to
herself. Damn Jen. Then it was basically a rapid spiral down from
there. I think I was possibly the first one to start after Jen. After
Ms. Ohm finished talking she said something like “You’re going to have
to learn this by yourself because you’re going to be alone next year”
and suddenly the walls broke. She stopped speaking but no one moved.
Everyone just sat on stage silently. And slowly in an onslaught of pure
emotion and inner chaos swept over the cast. We left for a moment and
then found ourselves climbing back onto the stage…unable to do
anything withourselves…completely unable to tear ourselves away from
the set. And one by one…as if preplanned…we slowly and gracefully
made our way up to Ms. Ohm to get our traditional card that says stuff
about how much she loves us. It was like waiting for death to creep out
of your cells. And it was brittle and intense and subtle and
relinquishing. And soon everyone was crying. Everyone. In their own
way…silently…covertly…openly…loudly…tearfully…and this
immense and unbounded sorrow was all at once beautifull coupled with an
intense and unbreakable bond between us all…all founded in this great
love for this incredible woman…and this magnificent love for theatre.
It was truly a magical, irreplacable moment. Full of emotion and
redemption.

For a few infinite moments we all just sat on the stage crying
together…everyone…even the boys…letting reality wash over us and
drinking in the soft grace of the moment. Then finally somehow it was
my turn…after nearly everyone else had already gotten their card and
left…I walked gently up to this eternal woman and tried to fight off
the onslaught of tears. She means so much to me. So much. She handed me
my card and gave me the huge warm hug…I knew so many things were
packed into that hug…and it wasn’t just a teacher to a student…she
held me there dearly…eminating her love and wisdom into me…and I
suddenly couldn’t even breathe I was crying so much…I was facing Joe
and the boys and trying to look at the ground but I ended up with my
arm outstretched reading the card infront of my while hugging
her…which just made me even more upset. I tried to pull away…and
managed to get out “You’re just gonna make me cry more” And her soft
response was simply “Sometimes that’s just exactly what you need to
do.” And the vast expanses of her heart and her love and her soul just
washed over me…and in that embrace…nothing else mattered in the
world. I wanted so badly to let go…because I thought I would fall
over crying…but she held me there…and I knew…she
knows….everything. Everything about me. And I love her.

After some hazey infinite moments we glided apart and I shuffled out of
the theatre, stuffing sobs back down my throat until I got
outside…desperate for some place to run to…some place to sob alone.

MUST MUST MUST FINISH THIS LATER. my god. this is the longest entry EVER.

IN THE RAIN.

OFFICE

I
can’t get these moments back. Never again. And I so desperately want
to. Need to. Go back…for just a second. To feel that again.

I can’t believe this show is over. I just can’t. I can’t believe everything is over. I’ve loved it so much.

I love. And nfoejfklea.

Friday, May 12, 2006-

Ok ok. Um. Friday was an INTENSE day. I don’t really remember the day.
But I DO remember the afterschool. Because I fucking hugged Campbell. I
really should write about this I really should but I don’t exactly feel
like it. Let’s say goal number two is checked off and pleasing. Sigh.

Then there was an awesome grass party watching people play volleyball,
jeremy massaging me, and tanning on the mall…so beautiful and lovely.
I enjoyed.

Then ran around…went through the awesome theatre archives of Hun
which gave me chills…looking at the plays from like 1914. It’s
incredible to think about that.

I wanted to hang out with Ms. Ohm so badly but she was sleeping in the
theatre so I didn’t want to disturb her. But I kept running in and out
to see what she was doing and she was confused.

Then we were gonna go to Contes with the cast but we didnt have a ride
so me and meliss hung out for a whlie…she wanted to go to Campbells
but I told her it wasn’t a good idea…I’m glad we didn’t go. Then
finally we went to Contes and everyone was just about to leave so I had
to have dinner with Melissa and her mom…er…….okay. Strange. Very
strange. She was bordering on being very rude…Melissa’s mom…talking
about her like private family life and asking me if my mother was
dating. Anyway. It was very strange. I was glad it was fairly short.

Well.
So then I guess was the Friday show. I guess it went well. Alot of my
friends were there that show I believe. I don’t particularly remember
anything. Twas an amazing experience as always.

Ok. So yesterday.

Saturday, May 13, 2006
AKA…Most insane day of my ENTIRE life.I never even thought I could
actually pull it off. I don’t even know how to describe how badass it
was without coming off really….ya. Well I can’t even fathom how
insane it was. And even writing it out…couldn’t explain how absurd it
was.

I was in Trenton at 8 in the morning for dress rehearsal
for Coppelia. A show that, might I add, I had NO idea what I was doing.
I was totally not in the mood to do the show because I wanted to just
wallow around in Lysistrataness. But I did it. And I’m glad I did. I
brought a pillow and slept in our dressing room through class. Our
dresing room basically kicks ass. It’s actually really cool. And it’s
just for the 5’s. So we feel all special. Well so I got ready and put
on the pounds of stage makeup and then we hung out for a while until it
was time. I don’t exactly know what we did…ran around like
maniacs…then we got dressed at the end of Act 2…put our pointe
shoes on…ughh. Then dress rehearsal. Somehow…out of nowhere…I
suddenly knew the dance…so it was like….woot! After dress rehearsal
we had lunch…twas fun…sat with the girls. Can I just say…that I
had like the best cast possible. Becasue it was all like the nice
younger 5s…that are so sweet and funny and awesome and are not the
dumb cliquey ones…like every single one of them was great…and we
all got along awesome…and I even made some new friends. So that
basically rocked. It had been a while since I really felt accepted by
the ballet girls. Lunch was so funny…my mom just brought like a
truckload of food. Ohh baby.

I knew they were going to…but
they made me take off my nail polish and my bracelet…er…my blue
ribbon that was tied around my wrist…for I suppose over a month. It
fianlly came off. I didn’t even really know what it represented
anymore…just my relationship with him…and I guess it was time for
it to come anyway…but I suppose it ended the way it did in reality
to…nonchalant and anticlimactic…but as they cut it off me…I felt
some strange sinew in my heart snap. I don’t even know what all of this
means.

And then I played poker with JOE GREY. Kira Nichols 9
year old son…um ya. He just came over to me and asked me to
play…and I thought it was pretty damn kick ass that I was playing
cards with the Principal of NYCB’s son. It was awesome. I felt pretty
powerful. He’s a cool kid too. Then uhh. The show finally. Did the same
thing as before…makeup…sleeping…dressing… running
around…pointe shoeing…and talking….and then finally it was time
to dance.

I sort of just checked all of my fears at the wings and decided to fuck it all and just dance.

I
hadn’t danced on pointe in like a year and a half. I hadn’t danced at
all in a year. AND. I had never performed on pointe…ever. So I was
fucking nervous. Plus it’s in the freaking Trenton War Memorial on this
huge stage with like 500 people watching and I was basically the only
one who didn’t know the dance. But somehow…I just put on a huge smile
and ran out there and did what I love to do. And I did it.

Being
up there is such a thrill. Such a joy. I feel truly and wholly alive.
And somehow I did the entire dance without messing up and it felt soooo
good. It felt so good to just nail it. I was smiling so hugely. I felt
so satisfied. It was amazing.

Oh and did I mention the costumes were GORGEOUS.

And I performed on pointe! Eeek. So basically that was awesome. We went backstage and partied.

Then
I got to stand in the wings and watch Niall and Emily Byrne be
completely gorgeous together. I’m not gonna lie…I was so utterly
proud of Niall. To be the lead in this ballet. So proud. So amazing how
far he’s come. I wasn’t sad at all or anything to see how much he’s
grown up…we’ve grown up…just sincerely proud. I stood there with
the biggest smile on my face and watched him be utterly fantastic. It
was thrilling. I love him. I really do.

Then we all ran on for
that completely absurd finale everyone skipping around in insanity and
then came on for final bow…and the curtain came down. It was a
thrilling experience. To stand in front of all those people. Once
again. I wasn’t as thoroughly sad to see this one go…I wasn’t that
devoted to it…but it was still an incredible experience.

Then
we all got out of our costumes for the last time…took more
pictures…and said goodbye. I doubt that I’ll see them again until
next year…and aw I love them. So that was cute. I basically got to
spend the entire day with them…from 8 in the morning to 5 in the
evening. It was sooo tiring. It would have been a tiring and sad and
intense day no matter what…but oh no…

Then call for
Lysistrata was at 6:30. So we said our goodbyes…raced to the
car…and raced back into Princeton…had to entirely let go of
Coppelia during that carride and completely switch mindsets to get
ready to do the last show of Lysistrata. Insane.

So we got into
Princeton at like 5:45 and got bubble tea…sprinted home…showered
obscenely…and then rushed to Hun. Everyone was like already there. I
told Ms. Ohm that I had already been to another show and she was like
wtf.

Then I got ready for my last Ms. Ohm show ever. What a
statement. It was actually quite intense. I wasn’t really upset
then…I guess it hadn’t hit me…but it was very intense. It’s been
such an emotional ride.

Haha I got ready pretty quickly and then
me and Joe and Royce had an awesome Anne Frank sketch session for like
a half an hour where we just like relived every freakin moment of it
and said all the inside jokes again…it was sooo funny. I was like
dying of laughter the whole time. Boy we really did have a good time
then didn’t we. It made me so happy to remember all that stuff. And we
were like the only ones there that were in Anne Frank at that time so I
felt special to have a bond with Joe and Royce…it rocked.

Then
there were scattered tears and then an onset of lots of
crying…followed by me hating Christina for always making me cry and
then some people like Jen and Christina disappearing to cry. I went and
cried with them a bit too. The reality of it all…well I don’t even
think it’s set in even now…but the sorrow was all too real. There was
lots of hugs and trying to stop crying.

Then we went on stage
and did our last warm up…AJ with his obscene “Girl let me see that
butt” warm up, red leather yellow leather, etc etc…and haha a random
exercise with 2 lines and imitations that I made a total fool of myself
in because I totally went with the wrong person. Ha.

Then there
was more running around and crying. At like 7:45…Dan came…and we
did Princess Pat…uggh…for the last time. And Dan was leading
it…so it was soo…ugh. I loved it.

Then…the last
squeeze…ever. My god. I don’t even know how I got through it. I
wanted to capture that moment forever. Ugh. I started crying because
Jen and Christina were crying…and I was sobbing through the whole
squeeze. Dan did the squeeze too. Ms. Ohm said some words…saying she
was proud of us. I didn’t get alot of the words though…I was crying
too much. I was next to Christina. I’m glad. I’m so glad Christina and
I went through all of this…no matter what…Christina and I will
always have an unbreakable bond from all of this. Then Ms. Ohm gave her
last “note” ever. She said “Tell the story”…and honestly…it made me
cry so much. Mostly because…that’s the first note I ever remember
getting. I remember in Into the Woods…she said it so much. And it was
when I first fell in love with her…and for some unknown reason…that
line really. Really stuck with me. I think perhaps because I didn’t
quite undersatnd it at the time…what it really meant. The first and
last note I ever recieved. And then of course…now we must Tell the
story…of…all of this. Those words mean…so much to me. I can’t
even verbalize. But I will undoubtably never forget them or ever stop
“Telling the story”

Then there was an onslaught of crying and
forcing makeup onto the face and attempting to get into comedy mode. It
was very difficult. We walked into the audience tear stained and puffy
eyes…and the three of us sat down in the back row…and Melissa all
inconsiderately was like “Ew. Are you still crying?” and of course I
wasn’t really..but that set me off…and I had to walk out of the
theatre quickly because I was crying…it was fjkeajrfea. I came back
in a few minutes later and Dan Reiss was sitting with us…so I went
and sat with him…but me and sam were crying and I’m sure that wasn’t
really the greatest environment for him…I’m sure he felt awkward…so
he left after like 10 minutes. It was still great to be with him again.

Jen
told us in the bathroom about how Dan and Micheala broke
up…apparently she broke up with him because he’s a bad boyfriend. I
have no problem believing that. I don’t know how it makes me feel…but
I guess I saw it coming all along.

And then they played the song
for us “I Won’t Forget You” and I started crying again…and then we
had to get to places for the last time. Sigh.

The music I love
came on for the last time and I watched it all replay around
me…amazed at how far we’d come…and trying so desperately to soak
every last bit of it up…and without sobbing completely. Finally I was
smiling again. And I walked up on that stage for the last time.

I
didn’t cry much during the show…just sat in the wings and watched
each and every line be said for the very last time…then disappear
into the abyss forever. The play falling apart at my ankles. It was
brilliant for a last time. Being up there with those people it just an
utter blessing. I tried to bathe in it as I was on stage. The glory and
the happiness and the truth.

By the time we got on there for
the last scene I was sad…but I danced with them all for the last
time…happy and jolly…then Christina and I stood in the wings and
watched the lights go out of Kara’s brilliant face…and I felt an
intense pain in my chest…I felt as if a piece of me was being torn
out slowly as the lights dimmed…and Christina and I stood and cried
for a good long while before sprinting backstage into the bathroom.

Everyone
was really happy about the show…but still sad. There was definately a
gloomy aura. We got dressed and walked out for the first time…and
then went to strike the stage…thats when the tears started coming in
torrents, and I’m pretty sure we all cried throughout the entire
strike.

 

 

Slowly but surely we
desecrated the beautiful set we had watched been built around us…and
now…quite literally…we tore it apart with our bare
hands…screwdrivers to get the wood off of the stage and then carting
it out in big pieces out in the night to the shed to store it again. We
all worked together and it only took about 45 minutes to get everything
cleared off. Sometimes we would just have to stop and stand and
cry…but we made it eventually. We all took pictures in front of the
slowly diminishing set…and then finally wiped the stage clear. Joe
vacuumed haha and I got some pretty kick ass pictures of him sweeping.

 

After the strike was
done we didn’t quite know what to do with ourselves…everything was
over…everything we had worked so tirelessly to create…was broken
and irreplaceably dissolved. No one could bring themselves to leave…but
there was nothing else for us here apart from sawdust, ruble and tears.
We all sort of stood and sat awkwardly around the couch in the back
around Ms. Ohm’s feet and cried together…clutching pillows and averting
eyes…until we had no where to go but away. But we couldn’t leave each
other…so we decided to go out to dinner. The sorrow that was absorbed
in the theatre in that moment I doubt will ever fade. A black and
fearless omen was scratching at all of our hearts. Yet it felt so warm
and encouraging to all be together…to all be bonded by this one
love…love of Lysistrata…love of theatre…and most of all…love of Ms.
Ohm. As we all sat crying together…I knew…nothing would ever be the
same…nothing…and that this unbreakable bond between all of us would be
eternal and all encompassing…we were immortal in that moment.

 

Even Joe cried, and
that really pulled at my heart. Then slowly one by one we were forced
out of the theatre…it was so late and everyone had to get home…and they
had to literally drag us out…looking over our shoulders and trying to
get the last goodbye in. We all hugged Ms. Ohm…I hugged her a lot…and
then finally took our last steps out of that mess of a theatre. Joe was
sad but he couldn’t come to dinner with us…so he hugged Christina and
then hugged me…and we all made our ways separately.

 

As I piled into
Margretta’s big car, I could still feel the tears stinging and watched
them fall elegantly as we drove away from that enchanted place. As we
drove away hastily I was still crying profusely….but silently…just
immense sadness and pain driving through me. Slowly the tears subsided
and I was left with a feeling of great freedom as we sped down the
highway with Margretta yelling wilding and my mother having not the
slightest clue where I was. Then I began smiling.

 

Katie was driving
like a madman. My god. It was quite the joyride. Margretta, Soloman,
Evan, Sam…why did i write these names im so confused

So now it’s monday
the 22nd and im finishing this entry and i really don’t remember much
anymore hhaha. Well. We went to Chevy’s…FUCK YA. So ghetto. And they
sat us in the bar becasue we’re beasts and Margretta was like raping
some man and being a slut and then lucy and I shared our food together
and had an awesome cute talk…she learned all about my lovely life and
I learned about hers…she told me that she doesn’t ahev the guts to
pursue theathre. Wa. I love her. And um. We partied like rockstars and
it basically kicked ass and I love them all. Um I don’t remember
anything amazing other than Margretta being a complete hoe.

Then I went in Logan’s car with sam and carla and paige and margretta
and soloman and evan i think and we went to SHOPRITE fuck ya…at like
midnight…to get mother’s day presents for our mothers haha…and it
so rocked. we were ghetto. and logan wore his boxers over his pants.

Then we sped back to Hun blasting the theatre kids music…which is
basically Queen and You Spin Me Right Round and it made me so
exuberantely happy. By this point I had sort of calmed down from being
hysterical about the whole thing and was just trying to savor every
last sweet moment of this journey. Finally we pulled in…ran around
for a last time…and then I finally and bittersweetly walked back to
the car…and drove away from all the beautiful memory of the
night…the day…the show…and Hun theatre as I know it.

I have so much to do in the next few weeks…I sort of have
to wallow in this despair for today…and then move on with my life.
That’s precisely the part that kills me.

I just can’t even
fathom that this is all over. All of these intense feelings. I remember
the first time we ever heard of it…I remember all of the
excitement…and all of the hype…and how the idea of it completely
thrilled me…well it was all that. It lived up to everything I could
have imagined…and more. This journey in particular was probably one
of the most flawless and brilliant. With an incredible cast that I
adore, so. so many laughs, the plot I was born to be a part of, a
perfect and exciting role, the beautiful spring weather…and the
director of a lifetime. I’ll never forget this experience. Every moment
of it was pure bliss. Utter joy enclosed in a cherry blossom. As
immortal as the laughter that resounds in that theatre. And the tears
that stained the old carpet and moth eaten seats.

I planned on
coming home and just writing and writing about Ms. Ohm and crying and
crying. But I found I moreso had to get over Lysistrata…and that Ms.
Ohm was going to be here for three more weeks. But even so…to imagine
that this is my last ever Ms. Ohm play…that it’s all coming to an
end….brings incomprehensible sorrow. It’s just…it will never be the
same.

I never thought this moment would come. I prayed this moment would never come.

Now the tears will fall forever.

I
know I’m going to have to move on….it tears me apart…I have so much
I have to do now. So much to worry about for the rest of the year. Just
cry today.

We soo better have a cast party. I still have at
least 2 more times to cry…the last day of school and Ohm’s party.
Plus hopefully a cast party.

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