Ohh sweet summer budding.
Oh the redemption of everlasting friendships.
Today was good. No not good…verging on amazing. In a bittersweet sort of way.
Things can change in just one day. Battered friendships can be bettered in just a moment.
I’m in a very Amyleeness mood right now. So glad…so glad. Best friends isn’t all that hard to say, in the end.
So um. Ya. I guess Amy reads my xanga and I had like no idea so I guess
I won’t write it in full detail…but chyeah. Today was goodness.
So we went down to the tree. For what I’m pretty sure was the first
time all year…and probably the last. Everything was symbolic. Even
the fact that we didn’t go to the tree all year. But my god. It was soo
beautiful once we got down there. Like nothing could touch us there.
It’s so easy to talk down there. And to just listen. And look. So glad
that Amy and I have a special place…will always have a special place.
And even more symbolic but the tree was nearly coming out of the ground
and it’s roots were like coming out of the ground. But we didn’t even
spend much time there…we went over down by where her and Mat and I
used to make clay sculptures out of the mud over there in what seemed
like years and years ago…and sat on a little isolated rock in the
middle of stoney brook…the cool water rushing around us and the sun
shining through the trees…the soft diamonds collecting by the banks
and talked. And finally talked. And finally delved into honesty. And
finally made amends. I mean even at the time it didn’t seem like an
amazing talk…but looking back now…it was soo good. So important. I
really love Amy…I mean really her. Underneath the covers and the
laughs and the many faces…I mean just her core and her soul…she
really is a sweetheart there. And we really are binded by some
unspeakable force…a different relationship that can’t really ever be
destroyed. And we sat there…back to back…that’s probably the only
way I would have gotten through it…and apologized and explained and
were honest. There was no need for fakeness or for happy smiles…it
wasn’t brutal…and true…I didn’t say EVERYTHING I felt…but it was
enough. And we sat there…skipping rocks and I felt like children…I
felt stript of our high school selves at last…and that was pure and
that was blissful…but at the same time it was actually mature. I
honestly think this Campbell affair was truly just a big mistake. A big
old unwindable mess. A catastrophic mess. But like we said…there
wasn’t really any other way it could have gone. In some strange way it
seems to make sense…it seems to have been the right thing. Not right.
But true. I only wish we could have been honest with each other. I wish
she had been honest to begin with and I wish I had been a better friend
and able to see how she was feeling. Alas…in the end…it’s not
really anyone’s fault…and it’s just about over now. And we can look
back and laugh. And this really was the way it had to be. In some
twisted and deranged reality…this is the way life played out.
One of the first things she said was “when have I ever said I’m too
busy for you” and I was like wtf shit. She reads my xanga. Uhhh.
Confused. I really didn’t think she did. But it’s okay because I reread
what I wrote…and I didn’t really write anything bad. Just the truth.
Anyway. We basically talked about everything and it was really…really
healthy and cleansing and really really important for me to be able to
let go of this year. I am so glad I did this. I just feel like a part
of the missing puzzle has been put back into place. One of the most
important bridges is rebuilt. And there was never really anything all
that wrong…sure I’ll always have issues with her…but she’s my
little Amy…and she will always be. I guess I could just keep rambling
on and on about how good and redeeming this was…but I feel like I’ll
just be redundant and sketchily sappy. The final point is…twas good.
Alot of things got sorted out. And I love my Amy. And I LOVE the tree.
The tree solves everything. And I love that eternal agelessness of the
woods. And hiking around barefoot with Amy for hours on end. ❤
Everything just felt……right. Finally.
We saw a snake! Haha. Anyway.
Anywho. Um. Then we went up to dinner. Sigh. I’m going to
miss…well…Hun. I…well. I’m not ready to give it up…right…now.
Soon I will be. But not right now.
Mark had to go to a proctor meeting. Yay. But I can just feel…things
are getting better…not great…but better. Furlong was studying like
a cuteman. He’s cute. Royce and Paige are awesome hahaha.
Then after dinner all of these borders were playing jumprope or double
dutch or whatever…sigh. It was actually a beautiful moment. Lying
right next to the Hun crest thing…on the ground…as they were
setting up for graduation…watching these lovely people all play
jumprope…laughing and giggling…Amy so happy…the sun sweetly
setting and the border guys playing volleyball in the far off
distance…everything seemed so harmonious and perfect…and
beautiful…and I just layed in the sweet grass and watched the
moment…trying to soak it all up…and letting thoughts flood and
empty my mind…I’m sure they were confused why I wasn’t playing with
them…but I was just so tired and so basking in the moment. The sweet
final moment of this year. And it really seemed like the end of the
year. It really seemed like summer. And everything was in full bliss.
Finally and truly…things seemed in place. It was really a beautiful,
everlasting moment. And I didn’t exactly know how to part with this
school…this year…this piece of my heart. But the time will come.
One final week of beauty. Then on with my life.
Came home. Bubble teaed. And of course ERICA CRAWFORD IS LIKE LIFE.
Soooo. Today. Ummmm. Very very strange. Math first. Not doing well..but
gonna miss that class like a mother. Then free. Went up to lunch with
chrsitina…talked…she be cute…then went to Ohm and felt strange
and unknowing what to say…but I felt like it was important. Sigh. 3
days with her left….ever. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even
think. Then english was crapzor. Activities was like obscenity and
those tables are OBSCENE. Chem was…nice. LUNCH WAS LIKE CRAZY WTFZOR.
haha I’m fairly certain the last ANGST ridden lunch I will ever endure.
because I won’t allow it ever again. Heh. It was fun for a
year…but um. Never again. I’m sorry. Like. WTF. Hahahha. He’s sooo
funny. We implemented our c-word conversation……………….not a
good idea ahahhahahah. ha ha.
rest of school was nice. last period was adv scene raping. ill write
about that later. then after school…haha high school is funy.
So glad. So good. So good for my personal self. So good for her, I
think. And so good for our friendship. Exactly what I wanted…needed.
If I could just have that same releasing talk with Campbell…Then I
think I could just close my eyes and leap out of this 13 story window
of a burning building that I’ve gotten myself chained to and take
flight…or just freefall straight into summer bliss. And that’s what I
need more than anything. I can’t keep analysing the choices and getting
engulfed in my own flames. I just need to make peace and fly free.
We walked on the beach beside that old hotel
They’re tearing it down now
But it’s just as well
I haven’t shown you everything
So stay with me baby
I’ve got plans for you
This is the time to remember
Cause it will not last forever
These are the days
To hold on to
Cause we won’t
Although we’ll want to
This is the time
But time is gonna change
You’ve given me the best of you
And now I need the rest of you
Did you know that before you came into my life
It was some kind of miracle that I survived
Some day we will both look back
And have to laugh
We lived through a lifetime
And the aftermath
Sometimes it’s so easy
To let a day
Slip on by
Without even seeing each other at all
But this is the time you’ll turn back and so will I
And those will be the days you can never recall
And so we embrace again
Behind the dunes
This beach is cold
On winter afternoons
But holding you close is like holding the summer sun
I’m warm from the memory of days to come
This is the time to remember
Cause it will not last forever