Ohhhh darling.

Ohh sweet summer budding.

Oh the redemption of everlasting friendships.

Today was good. No not good…verging on amazing. In a bittersweet sort of way.

Things can change in just one day. Battered friendships can be bettered in just a moment.

I’m in a very Amyleeness mood right now. So glad…so glad. Best friends isn’t all that hard to say, in the end.

So um. Ya. I guess Amy reads my xanga and I had like no idea so I guess
I won’t write it in full detail…but chyeah. Today was goodness.

So we went down to the tree. For what I’m pretty sure was the first
time all year…and probably the last. Everything was symbolic. Even
the fact that we didn’t go to the tree all year. But my god. It was soo
beautiful once we got down there. Like nothing could touch us there.
It’s so easy to talk down there. And to just listen. And look. So glad
that Amy and I have a special place…will always have a special place.
And even more symbolic but the tree was nearly coming out of the ground
and it’s roots were like coming out of the ground. But we didn’t even
spend much time there…we went over down by where her and Mat and I
used to make clay sculptures out of the mud over there in what seemed
like years and years ago…and sat on a little isolated rock in the
middle of stoney brook…the cool water rushing around us and the sun
shining through the trees…the soft diamonds collecting by the banks
and talked. And finally talked. And finally delved into honesty. And
finally made amends. I mean even at the time it didn’t seem like an
amazing talk…but looking back now…it was soo good. So important. I
really love Amy…I mean really her. Underneath the covers and the
laughs and the many faces…I mean just her core and her soul…she
really is a sweetheart there. And we really are binded by some
unspeakable force…a different relationship that can’t really ever be
destroyed. And we sat there…back to back…that’s probably the only
way I would have gotten through it…and apologized and explained and
were honest. There was no need for fakeness or for happy smiles…it
wasn’t brutal…and true…I didn’t say EVERYTHING I felt…but it was
enough. And we sat there…skipping rocks and I felt like children…I
felt stript of our high school selves at last…and that was pure and
that was blissful…but at the same time it was actually mature. I
honestly think this Campbell affair was truly just a big mistake. A big
old unwindable mess. A catastrophic mess. But like we said…there
wasn’t really any other way it could have gone. In some strange way it
seems to make sense…it seems to have been the right thing. Not right.
But true. I only wish we could have been honest with each other. I wish
she had been honest to begin with and I wish I had been a better friend
and able to see how she was feeling. Alas…in the end…it’s not
really anyone’s fault…and it’s just about over now. And we can look
back and laugh. And this really was the way it had to be. In some
twisted and deranged reality…this is the way life played out.

One of the first things she said was “when have I ever said I’m too
busy for you” and I was like wtf shit. She reads my xanga. Uhhh.
Confused. I really didn’t think she did. But it’s okay because I reread
what I wrote…and I didn’t really write anything bad. Just the truth.

Anyway. We basically talked about everything and it was really…really
healthy and cleansing and really really important for me to be able to
let go of this year. I am so glad I did this. I just feel like a part
of the missing puzzle has been put back into place. One of the most
important bridges is rebuilt. And there was never really anything all
that wrong…sure I’ll always have issues with her…but she’s my
little Amy…and she will always be. I guess I could just keep rambling
on and on about how good and redeeming this was…but I feel like I’ll
just be redundant and sketchily sappy. The final point is…twas good.
Alot of things got sorted out. And I love my Amy. And I LOVE the tree.
The tree solves everything. And I love that eternal agelessness of the
woods. And hiking around barefoot with Amy for hours on end. ❤

Everything just felt……right. Finally.

We saw a snake! Haha. Anyway.

Anywho. Um. Then we went up to dinner. Sigh. I’m going to
miss…well…Hun. I…well. I’m not ready to give it up…right…now.
Soon I will be. But not right now.

Mark had to go to a proctor meeting. Yay. But I can just feel…things
are getting better…not great…but better. Furlong was studying like
a cuteman. He’s cute. Royce and Paige are awesome hahaha.

Then after dinner all of these borders were playing jumprope or double
dutch or whatever…sigh. It was actually a beautiful moment. Lying
right next to the Hun crest thing…on the ground…as they were
setting up for graduation…watching these lovely people all play
jumprope…laughing and giggling…Amy so happy…the sun sweetly
setting and the border guys playing volleyball in the far off
distance…everything seemed so harmonious and perfect…and
beautiful…and I just layed in the sweet grass and watched the
moment…trying to soak it all up…and letting thoughts flood and
empty my mind…I’m sure they were confused why I wasn’t playing with
them…but I was just so tired and so basking in the moment. The sweet
final moment of this year. And it really seemed like the end of the
year. It really seemed like summer. And everything was in full bliss.
Finally and truly…things seemed in place. It was really a beautiful,
everlasting moment. And I didn’t exactly know how to part with this
school…this year…this piece of my heart. But the time will come.
One final week of beauty. Then on with my life.

Came home. Bubble teaed. And of course ERICA CRAWFORD IS LIKE LIFE.


Soooo. Today. Ummmm. Very very strange. Math first. Not doing well..but
gonna miss that class like a mother. Then free. Went up to lunch with
chrsitina…talked…she be cute…then went to Ohm and felt strange
and unknowing what to say…but I felt like it was important. Sigh. 3
days with her left….ever. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even
think. Then english was crapzor. Activities was like obscenity and
those tables are OBSCENE. Chem was…nice. LUNCH WAS LIKE CRAZY WTFZOR.
haha I’m fairly certain the last ANGST ridden lunch I will ever endure.
because I won’t allow it ever again. Heh. It was fun for  a
year…but um. Never again. I’m sorry. Like. WTF. Hahahha. He’s sooo
funny. We implemented our c-word conversation……………….not a
good idea ahahhahahah. ha ha.

rest of school was nice. last period was adv scene raping. ill write
about that later. then after school…haha high school is funy.

Anyway….

The talk…was…

So glad. So good. So good for my personal self. So good for her, I
think. And so good for our friendship. Exactly what I wanted…needed.
If I could just have that same releasing talk with Campbell…Then I
think I could just close my eyes and leap out of this 13 story window
of a burning building that I’ve gotten myself chained to and take
flight…or just freefall straight into summer bliss. And that’s what I
need more than anything. I can’t keep analysing the choices and getting
engulfed in my own flames. I just need to make peace and fly free.


We walked on the beach beside that old hotel



They’re tearing it down now



But it’s just as well



I haven’t shown you everything



So stay with me baby



I’ve got plans for you




This is the time to remember



Cause it will not last forever



These are the days



To hold on to



Cause we won’t



Although we’ll want to



This is the time



But
time is gonna change


You’ve given me the best of you



And now I need the rest of you




Did you know that before you came into my life



It was some kind of miracle that I survived



Some day we will both look back



And have to laugh



We lived through a lifetime



And the aftermath



Sometimes it’s so easy


To let a day



Slip on by



Without even seeing each other at all



But this is the time you’ll turn back and so will I



And those will be the days you can never recall




And so we embrace again



Behind the dunes



This beach is cold



On winter afternoons



But holding you close is like holding the summer sun



I’m warm from the memory of days to come






This is the time to remember



Cause it will not last forever


Ahhh the sweet feeling of chlorine in your hair, water in your ears, sun on your skin and summer in your heart.


I see hope and joy and bliss in the near future.
Here I come summer ’06.

So life continues to stab me and berate me.

Boy does it feel like summer.

Feeling helpless again. I just wish so many things.

Real quickly…summary of the weekend:

Friday: Um. Strangeness in a
box. I remember crying over Mark. Alot. Like in school. In front of
him. Which was slightly strange slightly embarassing. And I was crying
over Ohm too. Basically everything that’s wrong in my life. Bryan
picked me and Jmo up andwe went to my house and blahed around for an
hour…then got hahaha lost going to Miles’ house and drove INTO the
hun athletic fields hahaha awesome. Then we hung out at Miles’ house
for a bit which was awesome….every single time I’m with that man I
always think “My god I love this kid…why don’t I spend more time with
him?” And I never do. I need to beast up his house more often because
it’s KICK ASS. There was 6 of us there but I don’t remember who it was.
We played dodgeball in his gym and it really made me miss the good old
days…which I’m not entirely sure what those are…but I guess better
days. Then haha hahahah me and emlyn and connor and miles went in his
basement once everyone else left and played dead or alive 4 and HAHA i
completely dominated…i was undefeated to EVERYONE like 12 times over
and i had never played before. it was so funny. Then went home and
devised the AWESOME plan which was to take Jeremy over to our house and
get him drunk while watching High School Musical…which was actually a
dumb idea…and didn’t work out since I was HORRIBLY suspicious and a
bad liar to my mom and she caught on and then fucking sat outside in
the car outside the house HAHA it was so sketchy. anyway. we abducted
jmo from the movies and came home and watched high school musical.
emlyn was being a hoe with dmitri but i wont get into that. jeremy
surprisingly liked it! fuck ya and then we danced around and sang for a
while. and then watched yo momma till like midnight. then jmo went
home. love him. then emlyn and i were beasts

Saturday: Basically the first
saturday I could sleep in alll year. Um. Slept in till 3. Then wandered
around I guess. Hhahahaah. Then went on a sketchy date with Kyle
Bremer. Yaaaa. Really don’t want to get into it. Heh. Sooo sketchy. Wow
ya. I didn’t think it was going to be…but I guess it was like a
“first date”…sooo strange. I don’t even know what we talked about.
But it was scurry. He picked me up in his sexy car and we drove around
like maniacs…went to Thomas Sweet for ice cream…and sat on a
parkbench and talked…whcih was sketchily romantic…if only it
weren’t with Kyle. Wow. I have no idea what I got myself into. NO IDEA.
I don’t really know……………………..at all.
Then I came home and was sketchy. I…plotted the beastly Boiler Room
2…which nevre really got started because I got a fucking
INTERVENTION. Ya. Ya. Dead serious. Freaking intervention by Sudoben.
Which was one of the sketchiest things ever. I was basically scared out
of my mind. They outnumbered me so easily. And ah. I’ll have to write
about it sometime…but I don’t know. I guess they were just being
overdramatic…but at the same time…I guess I’m really NOT who I was
at all. They were saying I was going to “drink myself to death” but I
mean come on. I don’t know. It was flattering that they cared so
much…but at the same time. I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I felt
a tiny bit scared of myself. Who I’ve become.
Then Emlyn and I beasted and made a fucking SMORES cake which is AWESOME. Ate it and watched awesome TV. ❤

Sunday: Slept till 3 again.
Then I have no idea. Honestly have no idea hahaaha.
Strange…ya…………um. It’ll come to me eventually. Anyway. Went
to X-Men at like 10 with Melissa and Amy and it ROCKED HARDCORE RAWR
CHYEAH BITCH. Ugh. Soooo sexual. Wolverine was like UGH and jean raped
him hardcore. Then i dont know. I guess I don’t remember this day at
all.

Monday: Really really felt like
summer. Woke up at 11 and somehow actually worked. Strange I know.
Jackie and Lauren were being really ewird and I was like rjeakj. Then
WENT TO NASSAU FOR THE FIRST TIME ALL YEAR. YAYYY. We were really
expecting it to be like massive gangsterness now…but it actually
looks alot the same…just a nicer pool. So it was awesome to be back
there. SO weird though. NO IDEA how it’s this time alraedy. NO IDEA.
Anyway. Emlyn and Bry and I had a cute time though…played neevr have
i ever and I think Bryan is scared now…but twas good. ❤ Then went
to Latella’s at like 6 haha for only like 2 hours but it was good
anyway…I guess. Just sort of sat there and hung out…I felt a little
weird when I first got there…but I guess it was okay. Christina is
cute. And then ummm came home and my mom was a hoebag. But…ya. Life
is so so strange.

So fairly uneventful and relaxing weekend. Meh. Duno. Meh. Life is…Mow. Meh.

So this is it. Finally. Wholly. Unbelievably. Embarking on the last
week of sophmore year. How did I get here already? Is it finally or
suddenly? Is a blessing? Or is it a constant turning point? Everything
is in constant motion and I am just a final wheel. This is the final
cog. Here we go. This is so important. I won’t let a second slip by.
This is so important. Every fragile moment…I can never
reproduce…recreate…and I will spend the entire summer replaying in
my head or regretting or fantasizing about if I don’t just fucking
live. Right. Fucking. Now. Put everything on the line and FUCKING FALL
ALREADY. The whole year has been leading up to this. Now burn the
bridges and build the bridges and do whatever you have to do to finally
fucking let fucking go. And live.

Everything about life is shocking. Everything. The vastness of the
human mind is incomprehensible. And the coinciding and the complexities
of the interactions. I just can’t fathom hardly anything. Apart from
hope.

Mind fire ignites me.

This one’s for sam…Favorite line ever:

rtxt3

Poetry is a subjective place for an author to inscribe and exist in
their entire reality in a split second of conciousness. Merely a world
of release into individual abyss.

Today was retarded. Today was swell.

School was school. School was meh.

After school I like totally spazmed.

Amy came over after school and we watched like 3 hours of awesome Made
and got along really well. The film festival was BEYOND pleasing. SOO
satisfying. Just like an hour of Joe’s face. I’m not gonna lie. I am in
love with Joe Carugati. O. M. Gee. Then came home and cried and
screamed and yelled with my mother for like 3 straight hours and wanted
to fucking die. Then consoled Erica. I didn’t know what to say though.
I felt bad. Now it’s like 2 and I can’t get to sleep. Mmm.

1. How do you like 10th grade?
I didn’t. By far the worst year of my life. Most tumultuous year of my life.

2. Did you like the beggining or end better?
Not sure…aspects of both were good and bad…I guess the beginning…before the waterfall.

3. Do you like anyone?

I did…but no…I don’t really now. wow..can’t believe that…seriously lol

4. What’s your most missed memory of this year?
Nothing. Perhaps. All the glorified moments of lovers past…

5. Did you keep the same friends?

Oh what a question.

6. Did you do any sports?

HA. Sports.

7. Do you feel 10th grade was good or bad?

Bad. Bad. Bad. Good. Bad.

8. Are you gonna miss this year?

Aspects. Ideas of it. No.

9. Do you have a job?

Being a whore.

10. Who are the friends that stuck by your side since middle school?
Them…and them…and Bob. Basically Bob.

11. Who are your best friends as of now?
I don’t know.

12. who can you trust the most?

Not exactly anyone…

13. Do you have a “best friend”?
Nah. I guess Mat. I guess Emlyn. I guess your mom.

14. Did you have a “best friend”?
Confused….

15. What’s your most accomplished goal this year?
A few things. All of my performances. Surviving. Expanding. Developing. And fighting. And breathing.

16. How do you feel about the year ending?
Vastly stretched out on a table

17. Did any close friends move this year?
Everyone’s always moving.

18. What are your plans for the summer?
Sex. Driving around at midnight in stolen cars. Hair in the wind. Sun
on the skin. The streets of Princeton. The rivers of England. The
forests of Moutain Lake. Taking pictures at dawn. Dancing naked in the
rain. Singing until my lungs bleed. Acting like a kid and living like a
maniac.

19. Was there alot of drama this year?
Drama? Did I hear drama? NEVER. *Note sarcasm*

20. Do you think next year will have less drama?
Anything would be less than this year.

21. Do you like your high school?
Aspects. Realites…no.

22. Did you like your teachers?
Love Ohm. Love Davis. Hate the rest.

23. Did you do well this year?
Drowned. Abominably.

24. Do you regret anything you did this year?
Ha. Anything? How about everything?

25. What did you like most about 10th grade?
The sex, drugs and rock and roll.

26. What did you hate most about 10th grade?
The sex, drugs and fucking borders.

27. Is high school different then you expected?
Heh. So far from what I expected. Not even funny.

28. What do you think about myspace?
I think it lost it’s virginity to a prostitute and it’s dirty. Time sucker. But so damn addictive.

29. Are you in “the crowd”?
I’m in the “Hicks”

30. Are you prep, goth, scene, skater, emo, etc.?
I am a label.

31. What’s your favorite class?
Math kicks ass. Yo.

32. Whats your least favorite class?
Heh. Like everything else.

33. Were you in the school plays?
Was I in the school plays? I live for the school plays.

34. Are you ready for college?
College…ready…………………no.

35. What is going to be the best thing about college?
It’s not highschool.

36. Do you hope for guys in the future?
Hope. Hope is everywhere.

The Ten Commandments of Sophmore Year and Beyond.

What all the mistakes, betrayl, lies and tears have taught us.

Thou shalt not drink with Connor Bowman. It’s simply not a wise idea.

Thou shalt not miss or mess up an audition. And then not appreciate what little part you have. Every part is beautiful.

Thou shalt not take anything for granted. No day but today.

Thou shalt not skip class. Tis a fundamental. Don’t be a rebel either.
Actually…rebel. But don’t let the school know you’re doing it.

Thou shalt not trust high school boys. Don’t rely on them too much
either. But don’t catagorize them as “inherantly evil” either.

Thou shalt not break hearts. Hurt boys leads to angry boys leads to violence.

Thou shalt not accept “border guys” as anything other than sketchy.
Avoid being caught in strange hallways with them late at night.

Thou shalt not run to (literally run to) thy lover’s house everytime
you’re feeling desperate. Don’t show him that weakness. And don’t show
up uninvited. It’s never a good idea with bipolar men. Oh and incase
you ever try it, don’t show up and hide under his table on his back
porch either.

Thou shalt not talk shit.


Thou shalt not be a whore.

Thou shalt covet thy true friends.

Thou shalt not regret thou’s failed relationships and pureness of the heart.

Thou shalt not use “huff” as a common word in your vocabulary. Word to the wise: it can be misinterpreted.

Thou shalt not condemn thy neighbors sport. If you haven’t tried
it…don’t judge it. Even if you have tried it…respect it nonetheless.

Thou shalt not waste vast amounts of time on thy devil’s worship: myspace…or simply AIM or xanga and not. do. any. work.

Thou shalt procrastinate. But at a healthy level.

Thou shalt not believe that you can weasel your way out of everything. At some point the line thins out and you cross it easily.

Thou shalt not abuse the word “sociopath.”

Thou shalt accept thine strangers and outcasts and not judge those that
present obstacles. You never know what they have in store.
Namely…Melissa Kay.

Thou shalt not fall for thine’s best friend. Tis stupid and pointless.

Thou shalt not give thine teacher’s attitude. Or piss Cip into insanity so you get kicked out of class daily.

Thou shalt covet thine work details.

Thou shalt not let Rent get the better of you. But praise it. Oh praise it.

Well today was quite interesting. Quite intense.

Um. Chyeah.

Sam is right. This year really has been soo important.

Lost You Jin’s calculator. Lots of drama. Yearbooks given out. First
one in the grade to get mine…same as last year. Let’s make it a
fucking tradition. Caroline writing about me in her senior page and
putting a picture of us! Which made me SO happy. Spasms of obscene
energy. Spasms of emo. Typical. Freaking out turning yearbook assembly
and screaming random things. Evans breaking pen and splattering ink all
over the gym. POE HOEING with Erica. Omg most awkward conversation
ever. And attacking Mark’s voicemail. Melissa yelling at her mom for no reason. The awesomeness of Caroline
Kehoe. VARSITY THEATRE party. Hijacking Logan’s car. Raping Whitt and
Joe. Watching Sienfeld and Xmen with the theatre kids in the SAC. SAC
party. Waiting for the dumb sports awards to be done. Kyle being
sketchy and driving me around. Having an absolutely HORRIBLE time with
Ben and Campbell and Mark. Jackie Evans sucking. Life sucking. Crying. Bubble tea. Ranting to Erica and
praising Mat. Mat’s awesome birthday gift. Now just needing to go slice myself in two.

I feel bad for causing this whole drama about Mark and then talking to
Erica about it because I feel like I’m rubbing shit in her face…and
tainting her image and fjekaljreaa….but I just can’t help how I feel
about him. So ok I’ll shut up now.

I can’t even imagine this year without the Campbell factor. What would it have been like?