Watch it it’s fucking hilarious.

So. I think I can sufficiently call this weekend…insane.

So obscene. Relationships and emotions went from high to low to high to
low in a frenzy over the course of three days. Things changed so much.
And I am utterly exhausted. Not a moment of rest.

And above it all….through everything….I don’t regret any of it.

Friday was the most obscene day of my life. I can’t write about it on
here…but I might write a protected entry for Mat. Ugh. School was
INTENSE. Um. I remember last period Erica and I’s sketch fest….wooot
I LOVE YOU….And then um…rehearsal was hot…and then hanging with
Bob and um….then Jeremy came over to the house…and ahahaha I go
outside and I hear all these voices and I look over the fence and
there’s like 50 people practically in my backyard…sketchy crew
party……so then we had to majorly hide Jeremy in the bushes…hahaha
it was quality. Then we walked into Princeton……………..twas a
good night.

Saturday was like UGH. So mudluscious. Let’s see. Lysistrata rehearsal
at like 10…ugh…was fine…then had to leave early and sprint over
to the ballet school to go to Coppelia rehearsal (which I still haven’t
told Ms. Ohm I’m in…I’m scared to) and literally. Omg. It was sooo
fucking intesne. Because if it was an Act rehearsal then its
nervewracking and intense but I get to sit alot…and if it was a
private rehearsal then that’s better for learning but really
exhausting…but it was like freaking BOTH. We had to do it in front of
Mary Pat and it was horrible
so we got yelled at majorly for like an hour for beinga 
disappointment to the school and then sent to intense private
rehearsal. So then we ran it over and over and over and over. At least
I know the dance now. That’s good. But I was freaking on pointe for 4
hours. I thought I was going to keel over. And of course rehearsal ran
over too. Then we sprinted to Communiversity and I walked around for a
little bit…and got the SEXY earrings fromt he same place I went last
year…and basically what I’ve been looking forward too all year. This
year I got even more itnense onces…I got like typewriter keys, dog
tags, beatles stamps and keys…you have to see them to believe them.
Dmitri and Emlyn were being sketchy. Then we sprinted to Founder’s Fest.

Founder’s Fest was……………..good…..I mean it wasn’t amazing.
And it wasn’t like last year…but honestly nothing has been like last
year…so it was fine. Riley was awesome. Um. Erica is seriously my
HERO. OMG. What a freaking generous and humble and forgiving person. I
was like blown away by what she said…and the fact that she
like…well ya. She’s basically a god. Just the fact that she would
apologize…even though she didn’t need to…was just like so amazing.
Heh. If only my other friends were anything like that. Ha. We took an
awesome walk down the walk and it made me feel soo much better. I don’t
really remember what we all did…played wallball…played SKETCHY
frisbee…ran around and ate…and…ya. Campbell all of the sudden out
of nowhere was like “Ya I heard you guys got fucked up last night”
jfkeajfkaje. I don’t even feel like writing about that right now. Meh.
Mark got dunked. That was…….nice.

Wow. Um. Let me see…Kiala is amazing…JON AND AMANDA ARE MY FUCKING
HEROS FOR SINGING LIGHT MY CANDLE…but I’m sure no one got it…but it
was still so gutsy and awesome and Jon was so good…the NURSE
sang…..RILEY was like crying and so adorable…Break dancers were
ghetto…Arta was really GOOD…Gilroy’s song was sketchy…and WILL IS MY FUCKING HERO AND HIS HARMONICA PLEASES ME SOOOO MUCH. Omg. That could have satisfied me for hours on end. I still think Will got jipped.

Then um. i don’t know. We didn’t feel like going to the movie. So we
had a ghetto TREE AXE SKETCH SESSION. WOOOOOT. Erica Jeremy Emlyn and I
tried to go into the boiler room…but it was locked….so we like
erged in the dark…and it was sketchy…and then ummm…amy was really
pissing me off….oh grumble grumble…and then we wandered around and
showed Emlyn hun…and then Erica had to leave…and then um Jeremy and
Emlyn and I wandered around the dark hallways and all sat in the girl’s
bathroom and talked. Hahaha quality. And then ummmmm. Another big thing
that I don’t have time to write about but….

Jeremy and Emlyn broke up.
Ya. That seriously broke my fucking heart. Jeremy took me outside
during the movie and told me and I seriously gave him like a 20 minute
long hug…and when we pulled apart he was like crying. I love that boy
to the end of the earth.

Basically the world is falling apart.

Ugh. Then Emlyn decided to go home…at like 10:30…but I stayed….at
the deserted hun school…and jeremy and sam and i had the most amazing
thingness ever…SEIROUSLY. We sat on a park bench for like an hour and
we fucking CALLED THE GOVERNOR. IT WAS AMAZING. We left a message on
Rush Holt’s answering machine….complaining about gay rights and money
for the arts and ending the war. hahaha it was soo amazing. We got the
nu,mber from information. Ugh. So then we fucking CALLED THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES. We could only get the white house answering
machine but it was still SO quality. So in sam’s like recent calls and
in our phonebooks its like “The President” hahahaahah. Wow. Then of
course we called John Smith in Boise Idaho, that was fun too.

Then Jeremy left and Sam and I went up to Poe cuz it was cold but as we
were walking we saw this clump of sketchy looking people…and I really
didn’t want to go over but sam did…I really thought they were like
sketchy juniors…but we were like drawn to them…and then we didnt
figure out it was the boarder guys until we were like 4 feet away. But
haha ya. There was like sketchy boarder guys and Amy and Alix…after a
while sam left. I don’t really know what happened. Campbell and ben got
in a baby house and haha it was…intense…and we talked about
campbell’s thighs. Oh baby. Then randomly I guess they decided to walk
down the mall…so me and amy and katelyn and her random friend and
kerr and ben and campbell and furlong and i dont even remember now
walked all down the mall…freezing cold and under the stars…and it
was sketchy. I don’t know. I guess it was sort of cute though. but
cambpell was being a flipping lunatic like usual. Ben is a quality kid
though. Kerr is fucking SKETCHY as hell. Then Ben and Amy and I spun
around in circles for a bit and looked at the stars and that was cute.
Overall I guess it was cute. And like pitch black. And then we all went
into the Gazebo and umm…the boys were like molesting Katelyn’s friend
and I felt bad for her heh….and out of the blue campbell randomly
brought up the friday night thing in front of evreyone and I was like
wtf. Go kill urself. And then all the boys were talking about how much
of a druggie campbell is…and I honestly don’t believe it. That’s
bullshit. Anyway. After a while I guess we left…at like midnight. And
I went into the dorms…and then went home. Ugh. Sketchy night. Sketchy

Oh boy. There’s sooo much to say about that day. Ugh.

Oh and my aunt knows. Need to write about that.

Ok Melissa’s like…mad at me for her not being able to reach me this
weekend cuz my phone was freakin stolen…um…what does she want from

Ok so that was just Saturday. Then today was QUALITY. UGH. What a
freakin weekend. Today we went into the city to see SWEENEY TODD for my
birthday….omg so ughliscious. We left at like 10 and got back at like
9. So it was swell. Um. THIS RANDOM MAN walked up to me and gave me a
flower. hahaha that was beautiful. We went to lunch at Ollies. Then the
show was at 2….and it was UTTERLY FUCKING AMAZING. OMG.
Like…CHYEAH. And we had like absolutely perfect seats…just me and
em went…and wow. The staging was incredible…so theatrical…the set
was so stark…and with hardly no props…it was SO intense
nonetheless. I oculd write about it for hours…


There were 10 people in the cast and they all played an
instrument…like…while they were onstage and singing and acting so
they were the orchestra too…it was fucking AMAZING. AND PATTI LUPONE
WAS IN IT. It was basically one of the most amazing things I’ve ever
seen. Really creepy…but mostly demonic…not really scary…and
nothing explicit…but very intense. And it was sooo Sondheim. Amazing
lyrically. Basically the whole thing was breathtaking.


Emlyn was REALLY sketchy and went through all the aisles easter
egg hunting and seriously got a stack of like 40 programs…and then
this lady handed us a 24 pack…so it was like WTF. Emlyn with this
MOUND of Sweeney Todd programs. SKETCHY GIRL. And then Emlyn and I
stood at the stage door for like an hour and got everyone’s autograph
except for Sweeney Todd’s…but WE GOT PATTI LUPONE’S AUTOGRAPH.
Ugggggh. Wow.

Then Emlyn and I wandered around for a few hours…getting AMAZING
popcorn. And buying those like little posters on the streets that I’ve
always wanted to get…and basically…it was a swell day. I ate soo
much shit. It’s all good. We went to Sbarro’s for dinner. Then we went

Yay for broadway!

Can I just say…that that was my

20th Broadway Show

WOOT. That’s fucking unbelievable. I’m very proud of that fact.
I’m so lucky. Most people don’t get to see one. And I know that I
genuinely would love to pour my life into this career. I simply love
it. All of it. Every aspect.

So then we came home. Mmm. Read Without You…and desperate hosuewives
was quality. Now it’s midnight and I have another obscenely busy day

No. No. Life doesn’t slow down. And my heart is bursting at the seams to say so many things. But my soul will slacken.

Wow. Oh. Fucking wow. Life.

Oh life.

Soooo much has happened these few days…I wouldn’t even have the faintest idea how to express it all.

Today was basically…..amazing. A bit insane. But ya. I’m taking life as it comes these days.

Hahaha Campbell and Ben and Kerr skipping down the mall in darkness was definately a satisfying image. Hahahaa.

Oh and I called the President of the United States.

And have I mentioned that I LOVE ERICA CRAWFORD.

Ummmm. Ya. I know I’m never going to remember all of this shit…but I
don’t feel like writing it all out tonight…I feel like sleeping for
the next 3 weeks. Ugh.

I can’t believe we’ve hit the end of the year.

I can’t believe I’m replaying your face in my head over and over again.

I can’t believe what I did last night.

I can’t believe I’m alive.

I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

Sooooooo. Today was a good day.

Um. History test first…was easy…Then math…Holy shit I had no
fucking clue what I was doing on math. I seriously think that was the
worst quiz I have ever taken in my entire life. I’m not kidding. Then
acitivities…I just like cried. And then um. I don’t remember what
happened during activities like at all. AH. Connor and me and sam
plotted our SKETCHY FRIDAY NIGHT HAPPENEINGS….and I talked to Jeremy
and he said he wanted to too… then we were probably all
talking loudly about tihngs we haha….really shouldn’t have
been….then chem was boring as hell…then lunch was um…fine…HAHA.
Jordan Browning was there and I basically wanted to tear out her
entrails with a spork. um ya……..then french hahaha i skipped cuz i
went to donati because…ya…and i wont get into that…and then AH
WAS THE GREATEST PERIOD OF MY LIFE Hahahaah…erica and i went out and
tlaked on the grass and basically it was the greatest time ever. Just.
Ever. We’re like the same FREAKING PERSON. I LOVE YOU DARLING.
Seriously I felt really good talking to her…even though I was just
like going on and on about just complete random shit. And then
hahahahah CUMMINGS! And poetic juices from cip and cip being a poetic

Then after school was………… Finished a french quiz.

And then rehearsal basically dominated. AHAHAHA. IT WAS JUST AMAZING.
Beucase like ohm wasn’t here and we were doing an excerise where u
repeat everything the person says…so basically it was just Lysistrata
mayhem and people just saying the absolute most random shit…and all
of us like spazzing and dancing…and ya. I was like hyserical with
laughter. Omg something realllly funny happened but now I don’t
remember it. Shucks. We were done fairly early. Joe is a hot director.

And then after rehearsal…ummm….”talked” to Rob for a bit…he said
I was looking sexy or like a sexpot or something like that and I was
like ahhhhh there’s my Robbie back. And then randomly Jen Jacobs came
over to us and talked to us for like an hour…and then everyone left
and it was just me and jen talking…and I don’t know…it was
good…she’s actually really nice…a freaking social butterfly…but
it’s ok. And then I made a big mistake…ahhhhhh…so bad haha….and
said something i shouldnt have…and jen was seriously FLIPPING out and
calling random ppl to tell them and was like breaking into carter to
tell the boarder girls. Hahaha oh shit. That be bad. But so then jen
and i went into carter and we hung out in mia’s room with kiala and
margretta and taylor and all of them and it was good…but i honestly
felt really awkward once i got in there…becasue i was just sort of
like…..ya….and so then i left……anddd….I don’t remember. I had
dinner with Riley hahaha. And then ugh. This is such a long day.

I’ll write quickly. Um. Then I uh…hung out with Riley for a
while…and YOU JIN. And then. Um. Amy and then hahaha she wanted to go
up to get food and then the cafeteria was closed and I was supposed to
meet her up there and then apparently she begged mr. stevenson to give
her food so i come out and she’s like driving in a car with some
sketchy man and i realize it’s pops and i like leap into the car. haha
it was funnya t the time. riley was pretty confused.

It was the fucking chamber music concert. Last year…this day….things were sooo different. So differnet.

So then amy and i were down at campbell’s house and pops made amy
dinner…and it was….very strange…and so we ate and sat there for
like 45 minutes and then campbll came home and was seriously like What.
The. Fuck. hahaha i don’t blame him. But then he seemed pretty
upset…but he told us what happened about how he was sick and we tried
to comfort him or whatever…so i guess it was actually okay…and then
amy gave him a big hug and i was going to and i realized i couldnt. i
just oculdnt make myself haha. so then the three of us talked for like
an hour about just……crap…and it was actually good…i actually
feel like campbell and i are getting on the right foot again. I like
this direction. Still have no idea whether or not he likes amy. just.
no fucking clue what goes through his mind. but it definately seemed
like he wanted to be with us…so that was good…whtether is was amy
or me…either way twas good.

then we went up to the school…and i wanted to be with my mark…so we
went into study hall…and then basically i was up at study hall with
mark and katelyn and carla for an hour…haha i have no life. haha i
seriously need a home. i was there till 9. but it was SOO fucking
hilarious. omg. and royce talking about spengler’s penis and it was the
grossest thing evr…but somehow sooo funny. hahaha. wow. i love them.
and um. so ya. that was actually really good time…im glad i was up
there…even though i felt weird…it was soo funny.

This with Mark and I are very strange. Hmph. Love him though.

Then I came home and watched the office….YESSS. Sooo good.

And then Emlyn and I had a very nice long open
converstaion…about….um…tomorrow…and I’ma ctually realllllly
glad I did…I mean I wasn’t sure whether or not to get her in on
it…but I’m really glad that I did. And I’m okay with how she feels
about it all…and I’m so glad she doesn’t feel uncomfortable or
pressured. I’m glad we’re on the same page. I’m glad we’ll be safe
tomorrow. And I’m fucking glad that we’re gonna be BEASTS.

And now I should go to sleep. Really.

I GET TO DO A SOLO. can i hear a WOOT WOOT. Now I have to pick a song.

Oh. Quotes of the day…fo sho. They were both really funny at the time haha…not so sure anymore…

Connor: You’re like a ferret on crack

Mark: Carla you remind me of a neutered dog

Oh life. Oh please don’t sink me down again.

I don’t think I’m in love with him again. But I really do love him. Always will.

I’ll just pray for justice and love.

I don’t know why exactly I feel like posting this picture…but I just
love it and I feel like it…this is from Amy’s Sweet 16 last week…


In the flesh.

Ok basically these people complete me.

Wow. This sorrow is utterly incomprehensible. I feel right back there.
Plunged right back into the icy water. Drowning. Can’t. Breathe. Throat
is closing up. I feel completely torn apart from the inside…my
stomach churning and boiling…my heart seared and sliced…and my mind
completely set apart from my body altogether. My soul is playing chess
with fate. I have no where to turn to. I feel all parts of my past
weighing down upon me. And I don’t even know where this is coming
from…all at once in one complete wave…all of my pain came rushing
back…my medicine is biting down hard and chuckling. I really have no
where to turn. All at once I’m seeing…I am still in love with you.
Completely in love with you. You only bring me fire. Scorching and
blazing. And I can’t even breathe. With or without you…my lungs are
restricted. And my father does not love me. And I am alone. And I have
dug myself the most vastly dark and encompassing hole. And I have
ruined myself and plucked out each and every one of my stitches. I’m
right back there. Checkmate.

Oh fuck.

You have no idea what this means.

So I’m going to go read some poetry and plot my death.

Oh no, I’m not over dramatic. Trust me.

Ughity ughity fat fugly slut.

Uh. Today was…………………..nice.

Except that now I’m thoroughly depressed.

Day of Silence. Ugh.

It actually wasn’t that hard…

Twas actually good. The silence was lovely in some aspects. Saved me from saying the dumb things that I normally end up saying.

I sucked at it though. Ha.

First I had double math…which was soo long…Ugh…but I didn’t ahve
to talk…er…didn’t get to talk…but omg I fucking don’t understand
what we’re going…but no one does so it’s ok. And then I had free. The
silence almost helped…because I was forced to just do my
homework…so that was…..good….Then at activities I actually went
and talked to Hindle about choir…and MEH. i don’t feel like writing.
sucked. and then that took about 20 minutes…and then I got back and
furlong and campbell were being sketchy and harassing me about being
silent. Um. Ya. And then I had chem…which was easy to not speak in
and I ate 3 bagels and had like an entire thing of cream cheese.
Everyone was like wtf. Then lunch…was one of the better ones I’ve had
in a while…I had to run around to I was late-ish so I walked up with
Camps and Bob….and that was good…but I still couldn’t talk…and
then at lunch um….I don’t know. Sketchiness. Furlong and Campbell
were just being really sketchy…and talking about having a
threesome…….and then OMG WTF. Campbell randomly brought up the Kerr
thing. Wtf. I almost felt like he did it just because he knew I
oculdn’t talk. Freak. What a spaz. I don’t know how it made me
feel….but it definately made me feel something….And campbell’s
always so weird whenever he talks about it…issues man. But other then
that…I don’t know. I basically think I sucked at the not talking
thing. Then when I was leaving Furlong and Bob like raped my foot and
then campbell like slammed me into the wall with a chair. Losers. I
could tell amy was annoyed.  Ugh. Life is so strange.

Then french was weird because she didnt really know I was being
silent…so it was just like I looked like I was retarded…and then
english was funny…cuz kristin and i were partners and we both cudnt
talk so we wrote upside down to each other. then history was sketch.
ness. chyeah.

Then. ….after school haha Charlie bought us stuff. And Jeremy gave me
a fucking KICK ASS massage. Connor raped me. And then I went to
rehearsal. Uggghhhh. So ghettoliscious. Ok but REARAJRELA. I left for
like 3 minutes cuz I had to run around and find my stolen shit and
theatjela…this is a bad story to tell. But then my mom called and we
literally were yelling at each other for an hour. I’m sooo sick of
these calls. It was all about chior. MEH ill write about it some other
time. But basically I missed my part and it totally wasnt my
fault…but it sucked because then ohm was mad at me and shit and meh
and was like MEH YOU SUCK. but seirously yo. and then i kept leaving
the stage cuz i had so much shit to do and i ran down to the gym to
talk to lisa and UGH she was so nice and said that I could do a solo
and shit and shes basically a god and then I ran back up and tried on
costumes and shit and then back to the stage and then……………ya.
Party. The play rocks. Aaaand….then there was like an hour of
ntoes…or like…Ms Ohm and joe talking…hahaha joe is the best ass.
director ever….he writes his like own notes hahahaha. freak. i swear
he’s the new dan reiss. i swear. aahhh there was so much funny stuff



Haha i guess you just had to be there. there’s a bit of tension in the
cast hahaha. i love how its all towards evan and will. sweet. I LOVE

And then ok completely out of the blue melissa’s l ike “are you coming”
ajfkejalf. ok this is a long stupid story too but basically melissa is
INSANE and was like mad at me for absolutely nothing and I was
basiccally justl ike uhhh…you’re on crack.

Then sam and i hung out till dinner. AK! Walked down the mall….I’M
SORRY MAT!But I made sure we stopped before we got to the stone. I’m
glad Sam and I are getting close again…it be beasty.

Then dinner. Mark never showed up. Riley raped me. I love her. And then
choir. AH. Such crap. SUCH CRAP. Sam and i were 20 minutes late as
usual and took a 30 minute break…saa-weet. and um. AHAHAHA. MY CELL
PHONE WENT OFF IN THE MIDDLE and everyone was like wtf is wrong with u.
im such a loser.

So uh….

I pretty much gave up the one thing I was ever slightly okay at. Dance.
The one thing I’m really passionate about I SUCK at. Acting. And the
one thing I need to be able to do what I want to do…I can’t do. Sing.

EVER. That’s just a fucking fact. Dead serious. I’m not looking for
sympathy here. I’m just coming to terms with reality.

Sorry random spaz. Then I walked around with tucker and he wanted me to
go to his house but i really didnt want to ffjkeajfa….ya….and then
tucker told me that they were gonna be gone for at least 7 months of
the summer and i was like BOO FUCKER. that sorta sucks. Then i got
bubble tea…came home.And seirously got really depressed for no reason.


It can only be used on Tucker. hahahaha.

The news about the summer was pretty much shit to my ears.

So I pretty much though I was getting on the right track…falling for
the right guy finally…and moving past the pain of
him…but…I…well…I guess that shit about the summer got me upset
or something…I have no idea..but when I got in the car with my
mom…I was seriously upset about something…and I really really
didn’t feel like talking…and she kept asking me what was wrong and it
was pissing me off soo much I just started flipping out at her…and
she kept asking about Mark and being like “Does this have something to
do with Mark? Did Mark do something? Did he break up with you?” And I
was just like “Shut up it has nothing to do with Mark”…but seirously
in my mind I honestly wanted to SCREAM “NO! I DON’T LIKE MARK! I HAVE
WILL” And that fucking scared me. That scared me half to death. Becuase
I realized it was true. Something in my gut told me it was true. It was
so strange though…beacuse I had so genuinely been able to start lying
to myself so easily and denying feelings…and somehow my subconscious
was literally screaming the truth at me…for the first time in
practically a month…it just hit me right over the head. And I was
like oh. Fucking. Shit. I’m still fucking in love with you. Oh shit.

So I turned on The Spill Canvas for the first time in over a month and
watched as all my true feelings came flooding back after a long period
of drought. It didn’t actually feel good. It felt like the plague
reentering my sanctuary.

So basically I’m seeing that there are only two choices at this point. It has left me with this. Honestly.

1. I get him. I win him. And by some miracle we’re going out by the end
of the year. But first of all that is NEVER going to happen. And second
of all that is only going to happen if he completely changes who he
is…which…is…also not ever going to happen. And him changing
himself sort of defeats the point of wanting him.

2. I give him up. I mean completely. I mean I completely let go of him.
Move on with my life. Or at least get to a rational point where I want
to give him up…and am ready to start a relationship with someone new
over the summer.

Because basically…there is no way I will be a victim to him over the
summer…especially if I know now that he’s going to be gone all
summer. Then he’ll just be another cruel crucifix like Dan Reiss…and
I refuse to put myself through that again…especially with his face on
the cereal box…and I really want to have a relationship this summer.
Preferably with someone new…but if I get him…then obviously him.

I just so desperately want him. I’m either leaping. Or I’m drowning.

At this point. I’ll fuck it all and start jumping again.

Over and over again until he or I sees the truth.

I can’t keep dreaming. And falling.


Oh dear.

I think Connor Bowman is a bad influence.

So glad Sam and I feel the same way about all of this. It’s nice to experience it with someone. Ughhh.

I was a little annoyed when I read Erica’s xanga…but mostly I
guess…sad…that she feels that way. But I’m fine about it
now…there’s absolutely no reason why she should be sorry about
writing that because she has a right to get shit off her chest. I do it

Dance34S: haha u know what u remind me of
Dance34S: have u ever watched sex and the city?
Dance34S: your samantha and i’m kerry
AnInnocentBanjo: hahaha reallly?
AnInnocentBanjo: lol im a sex maniac?
Dance34S: haha u SO are

Thanks Sarah. Thanks. I didn’t even say anything sexual! I guess I just give off that vibe….psh.

A few secrets that for some reason I feel like getting off my chest…

I’m sick and tired of the people who complain about how they’re
“failing.” You know what…I’ve kept this to myself because I’m fucking
embarassed about it…but I’m fucking failing out of the school. They’re withholding my fucking contract. I’m dead serious so you all can shut up.

I’m sick and tired of the people who complain about being “poor.” You
go to the fucking Hun School of Princeton…I’m sorry. But you just
simply cannot say that. I am in no way “poor”…but my father has
literally took ALL of our money and shut us off…trying to starve us
out…we can’t fucking afford groceries…we have to move to a tiny
apartment because we can no longer afford a house and I haven’t been
able to buy new clothes for 2 years. And I most likely can’t go back to
Hun because my father refuses to pay for it. No I’m not “poor”…but
you’ve got
it a fuck of a lot better than me.

I’m sick and tired of the people who complain about their parents “not
loving them.” You know what…I’m not even going to get into this
one…it’s almost too painful for me to write…but my father does not
love me. And I know that. So just leave me alone

I’m sick and tired of the people who complain that their lives are “so
hard” and that say “oh I’m so complex.” Just. Get over yourself.

And no. None of you have the right to judge me. Sorry.

Look look I knowww I shouldn’t say or feel these things…because
obviously I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about…and tons of
people have so much shit going on in their life…and because people
have a right to say whatever the hell they want to say…and if they
feel like complaining then that’s fine. But it just bothers me…it
gets under my skin…mostly because it makes me realize that I really
DO have these problems…and in some twisted way they’re almost rubbing
it into me without even thinking about it. I’m sorry. I’m sure those
things apply to everyone I know…and I’m not saying anyone in
particular at all…I just feel shitty about myself.

Oh shit at some point I have to write about how I feel about the day of silence. Meh. Too much to do.


What’s the one thing that make guys extremely hot? Um. Pants. And. Sex.
What is the best color of eyes to look into? I love blue eyes. Ya. I suck. I don’t really know any guy with green eyes actually…but I’m sure those would be sick too
Does it matter if the guy’s a jock or not? I hate jocks. I like the muscles. But I hate…ya.
Have you ever fallen so hard you were afraid if you were gonna get back up again? Are you kidding? Every moment of my life.
Do you get all jittery when you’re near a guy? Sometimes………..
Do you flirt like crazy? Haha I’m a whore. Complete whore.
What’s the best way to let a guy know you like him? Um. I don’t. Want them to know.
How to you present yourself in front of guys? Like a shitfaced monkey prostitute.
Do you have the courage to ask a guy out? No? No. Past history says no.
What’s the most romantic thing a guy has done to you? Erm. Rape me. Meh. Rob did some pretty awesome things.
Have you ever just wanted a moment alone with someone you had a crush on? Um…duh?
Does anyone inspire you to write? Hahahahaa. What a question.
Have you ever expressed your love for someone in a public place? Ohhh hell ya.
About how many crushes have you had so far? Um. I don’t really crush.
What are the worst traits a guy can have if you have a crush on him? Being a crapman.
+++N0W F0R THE BiG Q+++
Who are you currently crushing on? Micheal Gidding.

That was utter crap. Sorry this has been such a completely sketchy and
random entry. It was retarded and scattered. But. Uh. Ya. I’m going now.

Ohh ya. Ok. Monday. Um. Free first. Rapidly studied for English ugh.
Then the english quiz. Then history…is sketchy and retarded…sam and
i are hot. then um….hahahaha class meetings…basically….reminding
of the fact that our grade SUCKS…haha. I was so proud of Matt…his
speech was cute. And um. Then chem was crap…we had double and we did
a sketchy lab that took forever and amy and me and dan are intense
partners…then we like sprinted up for lunch and stuffed ourselves
with crack and then I had french and then uh double math. Meh. Mondays
are tough. Math was fine. Um. I don’t rmemeber after school but I feel
like something happened worth mentioning. I feel like alot happened
today…I just don’t remember it. Ya this was the day that it was
randomly thundering and crap and then was sunny. Spaz. Sam and I were a
bit late to rehearsal…cuz we were raping people…and then
uhh…rehearsal was INTENSE. ughh. I’m getting more and mroe
comfortable with each rehearsal. And um. HOLY SHIT. We got props. And
Joe got a pony thing….and seriously…he was FUCKING HILARIOUS. Like
Dan Reiss quality. It was amazingggg. I wanted to rape him. Sam and I
slept for a bit on stage haha. And then they basically told me that I
get to pick out my own costume….SCORE. Ugghhh. And um. Then AHHH. I

Sam and I went outside and Lauren L and Rob and Matt Byrne were all
sitting around talking so we joined them and they were like “playing a
game” meaning they were just asking serious questions…and so we join
in…and the questions are “What is the thing you most regret?” and Rob
and I just sort of avoided eye contact ….and it was sooo
awkward…and then they asked “If you could go back and change one
thing, what would it be?” and I seriously had to stop myself from
exploding…I was bottling it allll up…and at that point Rob and I
just started staring at each other…the wind blowing through our hair
and the sun setting…and ughh….there was sooo much I wanted to say.
So much that I could never say. At least not there. I think he knows
though. I know he knows. They asked a bunch more questions like “Who do
you miss most” and shit…and I was just…I don’t know…on the verge
of exploding from the inside out…onthe verge of wanting to leap up
and give rob a huge hug…and on the verge of being seriously
depressed….whatever it was….that 10 minute encounter seriously took
all the wind out of me…when my mom pulled up I could hardly walk to
the car…I was just completely emotionally drained. I can’t even
explain. No words.

Then I got home and did like 43249832 errands that have been in the
back of my mind forever. Got my costume from the store and ran around
buying shit. I was on the phone with Best Buy for like an hour and half
trying to get my camera back…because I can’t live without my
baby….and then I spent the entire rest of the night on Jackie’s
present…it was actually a fuck of a lot harder than it looked…took
me forever…Haha I was up late…but I eventually got it done and I
felt realyl good about it. I’ve decided that I’m a complete freak when
it comes to presents. I go a little overboard. I just love giving them.
I’ll write about what I gave her later…….I be tired.

Choir sucks.

So much mroe to write later. Sooo much more to do. Ak. So much on my mind.

I feel…….

I know I’m strange…but I’ve been thinking about sex for some reason
today…it was on my mind (haha like it’s usually not…psh)….and I
simply realized that I have the same philosophy that I’ve had since I
first learned about sex. Maybe it’s because I was integrated into sex
at such an early age…having 3 teenage brothers…or maybe it’s just
because this is the way I am…I’m just a very sexual person…but no
matter what it is…I think I have a very strange view on sex. I always
think I’m very strange about this whole ordeal. But I’m probably not. I
have no idea what I am…I’m rather inconsistent…yet altogether woven
of one thread…It’s funny how I place such a HUGE importance on my
first kiss…it had to be perfect and romantic and…well…ya…the
list goes on…but when it comes to losing my virginity…I’m just sort
of…nonchalant…I don’t know. And I don’t really know if that’s a
likable quality in a girl for guys…but I honestly don’t care either
way…it’s just how I feel. I’m actually quite the opposite from
wanting to play to men’s desires…I would definately never lose my
virginity solely becuase the guy wants me to. That’s just suppression.
And I’ll do it for me. I guess all I’m saying is it’s not going to take
that much for me to want to do it for me. As I’ve grown up I’ve gained
more respect for the subject…I mean when I was younger (and we’re
only talking like a year ago or so) I really honestly did not give a
damn about losing my virginity…I just didn’t place all that much
importance on it…I just mean that I was willing to do it with anyone
anywere…I mean as long as I loved them. I’m perfectly aware that all
these things could change drastically at any point in time…and I
could suddenly cherish my virginity…but at this point…I don’t know.
And I really don’t want to sound easy. I’m not trying to come off that
way at all. Actually I never tell guys this…for precisely that
reason…the only guys I’ve ever told is Jeremy…who is basically my
brother..and Rob…when we were going out…and I think it was actually
very healthy to be open about it…but either way…Guys already use me
too much…I feel like if they knew it then they would completely and
utterly use me…so I don’t know why I’m writing it on my xanga…It
was just on my mind and I felt like getting it off my chest. Besides
only girls read this thing anyway. I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying
to say…and I’m not trying to be cocky and alienate myself by acting
like no one else feels this way…I know alot of other people do…but
I just don’t want to scare people off either. I’m not saying I’m a
whore at all…but I almost…want to do it…I don’t know why…I
really actually do want to lose it before I’m married…and I have some
strange feeling that I will before High School Graduation…I feel like
the only reason I haven’t already was because I’ve never been in the
situation where I’m close enough to a boyfriend that I really love. I
just see it as a way of getting more intimate with my lover…I mean
hell…if I die tomorrow and I never get a chance to share in that
aspect of life…well…I would regret it…so I want to do it
for…love…in an almost No Day But Today way. I mean there’s tons of
reasons…and even almost vaguely for experimentation purposes as
well…but I know thats a shit reason to have sex. I don’t know. I
guess I just don’t have a problem with it…and I sort of want to do
it…like this summer…but I know I just want a real boyfriend…and
not necessarily just…MEH. I think I’m just saying I would like the
oppurtunity…the magical and romantic oppurtunity…and not just sex.
I have no idea what I’m saying and I’m starting to make no sense
whatsoever. And obviously none of this is new…but I just felt like
clearing my mind. Oh and sorry for all the disclaimers.

random strange thing I found on some random person’s xanga…I liked it
though…so I feltl ike posting it…don’t worry I didn’t do the
fonts…I don’t have that much time. Some of it’s hard to read…sorry?

What I want my man to be:

nice and bad boy

A boy who has shaggy hair and lets me play with it.

He’ll tell me we’re like Corey and Topanga.

He’ll give me his favorite sweatshirt.


He’ll call me at 3am and ask me
i’m doing.

He’ll tell me he couldn’t fall asleep because he was thinking about me, and he needed to hear my voice

He’ll text me every morning before school saying “Have a great day babe I love you!”.

And he always whispers something sweet in my ear.
He’ll take me to a concert to see his favorite band.

And he wont get embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his friends.

When I cry he’ll tell me I’m too beautiful to and he’ll kiss every tear.

He’ll always make me feel better because he knows the perfect things to say to me.

All of his friends will know we’re in love because he’ll talk about me to them.

He’ll stay up with me all night when im sick.

When we’re walking together he’ll stop and pick up a flower and put it behind my ear.

He’ll love everything about me and tell me that I’m perfect.

We always end up laughing aboutt silly fights.

We wont get mad for making fun of each other because we crack up at every bit of it.

Even if we’re a million years old, butterflies will still go crazy inside of me …

Everytime he kisses me.

He’ll tell me he’d die without me.

He’ll surprise me by bringing me over my favorite food when I’m having a bad day.

He would think I was beautiful if I dressed so crappy it was classy.

he wouldnt be scared to cry in front of me
 –and would hold me when i cry ..

he’ll introduce me to his friends as the coolest girl he’s ever met.

We would have contests of how far we could spit our gum, or how far we could jump off a swing.

He’ll take walks with me in the snow, and we’ll catch

TsnowflakesT on our tongues

He would grab my waist and kiss my neck.

And we’d always take pictures in photo booths.

He’ll let me go places with his mom.

We would play tag and not care whos watching.  
We’d kiss in the rain.

And when I hear him speak, I’ll fall in love  all over again.

I want a boy who can argue over stupid things with me,

and than go totally soft when I got sad and apologize.


I want someone who would lay with me outside under the stars.

Someone who will squirt me with water guns in the house

When we kissed our hips would be pressed together.

I want someone to be there no matter what … always and forever

Oooo lala. I’m at hun right now. Woot. Let’s see. I’m bnored so I feel like writing. Here goes….


Today I was late to Math…and then the rest of the period was
boring mehness. Then um. I had free. And I gave Jackie her obscenee
present and um….talked….I don’t know. Then English….was boring
and sucky and crap. Then during activities…………uhh there was hun
tv which was crap but super’s speech was sooo funny. Haha. And then
there was some runnig around and crap. Then chem…i got to make up my
test and shit. And thennnn…..lunch…was actually quite good I
suppose. I walked up with the boys and down with the boys and ahh….it
just feels so right. I felt like friends again. And that was good.
During lunch we were…..fine…I don’t know. That group is very very
strange. Hmph. Then I went to the “nurse” and was like 15 minutes late
to French and then history was boring as hell. Then I talked to furlong
for a bit and now it’s last period and Lauren be bored.


After that….uhhhhhhhhh……..I don’t remember the rest of the
period…running around…ganking books from the library…bush. Then
after schoolnessness….connor raped me…and then
rehearsalll…ughhh…kicked so much ass…….basically we’re supposed
to be like Monty Python-esque comedy. Oh. I get it now. I’m starting to
get the hang of this whole comedy thing…its sooo much fun. Hah. I
still suck though. And ugh Jen did all of the chorus today and was
actually realllly good…haha….and of course evreyone else
rocked…missy didn’t know what she was doing….and then UGH we had
our first notes for this show. AK. That made me happy. And I got a ntoe
too. Dress run through friday…HOW ON EARTH IS THIS GOING SO FUCKING
FAST. AHHH. I feel like we’re all getting theatre senioritus now that
Ohm’s leaving. Meh. But no. This show is going to kick ass. As long as
Will doesn’t literally die.

Then we were done by like 4:30…and hahaa Sam and I went up to Poe
and watched TV until 5…and then I went home…got bubble tea…and
spent the night doing various crap that I’ve been meaning to do for a
while. I still am not getting anywhere. I can’t find a freakin camp for
the summer. Meh. I signed up for the SAT II…which was good…but most
of the other stuff didn’t get resolved…bamboozle is still up in the
air. Sugh sugh.

OH! My aunt gave me tickets to Sweeny Todd for my 16th Birthday! WOOOT. THAT’LL BE MY FUCKING 20TH BROADWAY MUSICAL. uggghhh.

Actually I’m pretty jfekal with my mom. Haha she sucks. She just
sucks. As soon as I got in the car she starts spazzing and is like
“Don’t tell her I told you but mwahahaha aunt cheryl got you something
AWESOME for your birthday” and was like spazzming and telling me
evreytihng and ruining the surprise and just being crap…and got my
hopes up for something like AMAZING…i thought she got me like…Dan
Reiss…or something. And then I was actually disappointed when I got
the sweeny todd. But I know that’s only because I was all excited…but
now that I think about it now…it’s pretty kick ass. Woot. I really
need to see it. And we’re going this sunday. Just me and em. Sweet.

And Love Monkey was on tonight. Score.

Melissa keeps coming up to me and telling me she’s gonna go back to
Monty and I have no idea what to say. I’ll write about that later.

AND OH. For only the greatest person ALIVE:





She put put the collage I made of her
and a thing that carla and mark made her up on the bulletin board…so
basically it was jackie is awesome day. WOOT. I LOVE YOU JACK!

AAKK! Tomorrow is day of silence…SWEET. UGH. Should be…interesting. I’m excited.

GoDownFighting2: lifes a garden
GoDownFighting2: dig it

lol who says that?


Did I drive you

I know what you’ll say,

You say, “Oh, sing one we know,”

But I promise you this,

I’ll always look out for you,

That’s what I’ll do.

I say “oh,”, I say “oh.”

My heart is yours,

It’s you that I hold on to,

That’s what I do,

And I know I was wrong,

But I won’t let you down,

(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will…)

I say “oh,” I
cry “oh.”

Yeah I saw

Yeah I saw sparks,

And I saw sparks,

Yeah I saw sparks,

Sing it out.