Ok SERIOUSLY. TODAY = ONE OF THE CRAZIEST/WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

I thought it was supposed to get easier! WHAT THE FUCK DOES FATE WANT OUT OF ME.

I don’t understand.

Ok so it’s sort of a long story and I don’t exactly feel like writing
everything out…but basically this morning was ABSOLUTELY absurd. My
mom and I got into this HUGE fight for like an hour and it absolutely
horrible…and then finally she refused to take me to school…and I
was just like “Fine I’ll just walk to school!” and she was like “Fine!”
And I was like “FINE!” And she didn’t actually think I would do
it…and I guess I sort of thought she would come after me…….but
she never did…So I just set off and walked…carrying like 4
obscenely heavy bags…and it took me an hour. It was absolutely
absurd. I had to take a break because it was soo painful and I knew Amy
had a free so I called her and was like…umm guess where I am…at the
bus stop…it was such a What the fuck morning. And I was walking with
EVERY intention of once I got there calling my mom and telling her to
come get me. I was only going just to prove her wrong. But I was
sick…and I was tired…and I was carrying like 4 realllly heavy bags
so I just wanted to go home. But then once I got there…she wouldn’t
pick up her phone…so then I’m like what the fuck do I do…because I
had missed my first two periods…and I had no idea how to just like
walk into math and be like…hey. I walked here. And I had no idea what
to say to the dean…so I could just sit there for a while..but if
anyone saw me…I would be in soo much trouble. I’m already on like
massive probation. So I’m just like ahhh what the fuck. I saw Erica.
That made me feel better…but I still had no idea what to do. So then
I just decided to go to Ms. Ohm and finally talk to her……that was
an interesting idea……….

I had been wanting to apologize to her for not really doing Godspell
for a long time…but I never really had the courage to say it…and so
I walked into the theatre…and Royce and Elisa and Jen were already in
there talking to her…so I just sort of stood there awkwardly for a
bit…and then finally we were alone…and I suddenly realized how I
had no idea what to say…or what even I was there for…so I just sort
of said some awkward “Hi”‘s for a bit…and then looked around…and
then asked about Lysistrata auditions…which we both already knew I
knew about…and then I just sort of stared around aimlessly some
more…at that point I suddenly didn’t know why I was there…but knew
I should be……..she broke the silence first “This isn’t really why
you’re here is it…” I replied….”No…not really…but I don’t
really know why I am either”…then she just stared at me for a bit
with those penetrating eyes…and gave me that incredibly wise look of
hers…and I just sort of looked helplessly up at her…then she said
“How are you……honestly” Me: “I don’t really know….” Then she sort
of looked me down some more…I love that power of hers…but I hate it
at the same time…it feels like I’m standing naked right in front of
her…like she can see straight into my soul…

Being my advisor…Ms. Ohm must know everything that’s going on…or at
least most of it…and probably more than is even true…so she finally
adressed it. I don’t exactly remember the words…but the conversation
developed into a sort of Ms. Ohm sweetly and confidentially ranting at
me for a bit…but not exactly angrily…more just purely concerned and
wise…like a great warm mother. It was heartwarming…but the things
she was saying were actually rather upsetting. And…I’ve said it
before…and I’ll say it again…I have this strange thing about me
that I absolutely HATE. Hate. Whenever I talk to teachers really
seriously…I don’t know why…but I always end up tearing…always.
Plus I was already just really really upset by everything that had
happened that morning…so I just sort of stood there….my eyes
brimming with tears…listening to this woman that I so dearly love and
adore tell me how to deal with my life. It wasn’t exactly the picture I
had painted in my mind…but I’m almost glad it happened. There was one
point where she said “It’s not alright. And it’s never going to be
alright. You’re going to have to carry this weight…and these
memories…forever. And you need to accept that” and I was
just…speechless and swimming in tears…trying desperately to fight
them off. So desperately. I just nodded silently and tried to smile
without making my lips quiver. At one point she said “You need to help
this…because I can see….Lauren’s avoiding the smile. And I so miss
that smile. But at the same time…you tend to put a smile over
everything and not really face them…and I think you really need to
grieve right now.” I completely hated the fact that I felt like some
demented, troubled girl…because when she met me I was so happy. I had
always wished she would always see that side of me. Then she was
telling me how I needed to go to therapy with Ms. Sommer’s…she’s been
telling me that for like 6 months…and she said…will you promise me
you’ll go? and I just sort of nodded….and then asked her where she
was…and she said that she wanted to take me there. So Ms. Ohm walked
me to Ms. Sommer’s…and at that point…I finally thought I would be
able to bring myself to apologize…but I realized I didn’t exactly
know how to formulate words or even speak properly…So as we were
walking down the hall I sort of tried to pour a jumble of words out of
myself…and realized that they got caught in my throat…I was all
choked up…and only a few came out…with much gestulation and an
onslaught of tears…finally…mixed with a cracking voice I sort of
mumbled “Just…..so you know…….the whole…Godspell thing…it.
It…really had nothing…….I mean…I would have..come…I just…”
And I realized I couldn’t get anything more out. At that point she
stopped walking and turned around to face me and for one of the first times I really felt like
she knew exactly what I was thinking…she didn’t smile or try to
comfort me…instead….she just looked at me…paused….and didn’t
even say “I know”…or…”I understand” but I knew…with every bone in my body…that she
completely “understood” and “knew” everything…..and then…for the first time…my
eyes completely watering with tears…and us both completely aware of
it…said “You came here today…and I don’t think you even know
why…but you came to me…and I think that means alot”….At that
infinite point…for some reason…everything changed…suddenly…we
were no longer a student and teacher…she was suddenly a deeply
cherished mother. So then….trailing behind her and wiping away
tears…we got to Ms. Sommer’s room…found out she wasn’t there…and
then I thanked her greatly…and we parted.

It was about 20 minutes of being far too vulnerable than I think I
would have liked. But I almost felt like something inside of me that I
had been bottling up was finally free.

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things she needs to know. …Maybe it’s beyond words….

I’m not exactly sure that’s ever what I would have wanted. But there
was something so intimate about that encounter…nothing can
compare….but I felt like a complete fool for crying infront of her. I
suppose that had to happen…I just hate the blubbering, incomplete
mess I’ve turned into. So then I made it to the bathroom and finally
could really cry…and just then my phone finally rang…and my
mother…in complete hysterics is flipping out “WHERE ARE YOU?!”
…”Um…I’m at school mom…”….”I’m coming to get you! I’m not done
with you! I have to yell at you some more…tell me where you are”
…..”Um…mom…can you leave me alone please”….Then there was some
more incoherant screaming and I saw my mom pull up in front of the
circle and I yelled at her…hung up…and then sprinted to the deans
office to check in…I told them basically the truth and then fled to
math class….when I walked by the benches everyone said that the had
seen my mom and that she was roving around the school completely pissed
trying to track me down. Ok so basically my mom is absolutely NUTS. I
must have scared everyone there because I just like stormed off and
then fled into math class…hiding from my mother. Mmm. I just walked
in…15 minutes left in the double period class…handed Davis an
unexcused note…glared at everyone and said “Don’t ask. Please.”

So ya. Pretty much the most absurd morning ever. And my mother is INSANE. Absolutely insane.

I realllly wanted to go home at that point…but I in no way shape or
form was going to talk to my mother…so my only choice was to just
make it through the day. Ugh.

I don’t remember activities. There was a bake sale. I don’t remember
chem. Lunch I’m sure was CRAP…and I’m actually surprised I didn’t
tell them that I walked to school…I think by that time I was back on
my feet…but at like activities I was soo miserable. I don’t remember
what happened at lunch either. Crap people. Oh and Campbell said
something really mean to melissa cuz he’s a crap man. Then french was
more crap. I was surprised what an okay mood I was in considering the
morning I had had. I mean I guess the story doesn’t really demonstrate
how I was feeling….but just imagine…it was absolutely horrendous.
Then I doodled random crap in driver’s ed and we had a total of 7
people blatantly asleep….and neihlig didnt even notice. Loser. Then
english was crap like usual. Jeremy and I are making cip a meatloaf
cake for her birthday. Bitch.

Then after school was just like…random wandering and harassing.
Nothing I remember that was beastly. Except that the crap man kept like
being really suspiscious and creepy. It was so gorgeous out and a bunch
of us sat in the grass and talked. That made me smile. ❤

Then I got home and read Without You in the grass because…ya…it was
so nice out. Aw. Then umm….raped emlyn…literally…and didn’t quite
know what to do with myself. Bubble tea took like 4 hours. And then
Emlyn and I sat and watched my screensaver picture slideshow for
literally an HOUR and played this game where you make fun of the next
picture coming up and then see what it is…most of the time we
sucked…but it was so addicting. I wasted soo much time. Then I was
planning on writing my paper from 8 to 9 but I went to go lie down and
ended up falling asleep. Go me. Then I watched the Office: BRILLIANT.
And then this crap TV thing because I think I had given up on the
paper…and then I went upstairs and decided maybe I could write
it…so I started to try…and it was seriously CRAP. And I was like
ahhh wtf am I doing. I sooo should have started this earlier. So now
it’s like midnight and I’ve just decided I’ll have to make up some
excuse tomorrow. BLEH. Whatever. Basically I suck.

So basically………….life sucks.

Crapday. I suck.

MEH.

So this is this amazing thing that Julia gave me or something…and
it’s slightly…silly…but just like so…UGH. I don’t know who wrote
it…but…it made me sad…I think…so definately read it…it be
sweet. Especially with how bad my life sucks right now…read!

Ode to the Nice Girls

This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.

I’ve read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are
overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours
fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions
because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the
girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play
mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for
a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who
understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re
interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and
worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because
somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this
time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh
loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat
boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their
attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who
have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and
fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the
girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite
words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time
heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are
just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are
seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that
it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls
who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of
catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather
not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their
weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case
race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a
comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn
from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still
willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left
sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone
understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and
time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to
watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the
girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too
pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a
relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t
because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship;
this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and
touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never
real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into
their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not
ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down;
this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to
believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t
want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and
their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first
place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable
and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home
alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning
a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little
too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for
the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally
having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it
was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or
his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held
him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the
right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d
realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you
realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next
morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends”
comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended;
this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom
choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs
you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve
reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and
loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all
felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night
the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy
bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have
endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something;
this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something
was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have
ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too
little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the
girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been
conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine
that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate
them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them;
who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next
conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls,
girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent
and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want
to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to
keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these
genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and
intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give
her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive
a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal,
intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you
that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth
her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend,
would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them
of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and
wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or
would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her
again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and
search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find?
Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But
you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone
genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your
anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your
father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to
have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable
as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you
pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover;
sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut
shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes
you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing – – we might say we
like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our
friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me.
Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I’ll
have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast.
See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only
see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those
advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking
for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent,
three things we’re willing to extend – – but in return, we’re looking
for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem
willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race
they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the
easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with
water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice
girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping
against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you
want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that
race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the
concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we
still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate
we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some
chocolate?)

Sometimes the nice girl gets sick of waiting

Oh dear. God.

“Nobody said it was easy…
No one ever said it would be so hard”

That’s about how this withdrawl is feeling. I just. Don’t know how to keep on walking with a broken heart.

Plus the fact that it is absolutely unbearable to be around him…I
can’t even look him in the eyes…I can’t look at him at all…it’s
just a viscious jabbing feeling all across my heart…my heart is on
fire and a thousand tiny knives are plunging deeply into it.

Why did it have to end like this? Why did any of this have to happen. And it just keeps getting worse and worse.

So bathe in the glory Amy. You win.

But it doesn’t cure this heartache and unceasing agony.

I wish I could say I’m better without him…and that I’m finally
feeling free…but probably…if I had just been able to make this
decision and let go in silence…I would have felt really liberated and
good about myself. But then all of this had to happen…all of this
horribly embarrassing and painful truth coming out. And there’s nothing
to even hide behind. He knows everything. And even more
probably…probably lies that dumb high schooler bad friends have made
up to make themselves look better. Without thinking about how it’s
destroyed my poor heart. I just wish I could…….

None of this is fair.

Honesty never helped us before…when I so longed for it…so why did it finally have to show itself decrepit now?

Why couldn’t I have just layed about in my sweet misery? Wafting deceptive smells of love.

Love truly blinds. Truly blinds. And corrodes.

UGH. So. Today. Really sort of sucked for the most part….pretty damn
miserable most of the time…Er…only when I was with him…but other
than that…hmmm

Double math first….so tired..and long…but fine…cuz I got to leave
for a bit cuz I haven’t taken a test yet…otherwise…it was pretty
beasty…then drivers ed…was naturally painfully boring…and i got
so bored that i made one of my obscene drawings on my hand…and it
basically represented how my heart was feeling….absolutely falling
apart. Then i dont remember activities…just random crap
peopling….and then chem was…haha good cuz we had a sub and so i
just like left…good stuff. then lunch was SO sketchy. ok i dont
actually remember what we talked about during lunch…but hahahahaa
melissa and i had THE funniest moment ever. ahaha. cant write about it
though. but then i dont know…i was feeling okay about melissa…and
then all of the sudden out of nowhere she’s like “RA lauren and amy are
always talking about you blah blah blah they’re always talking about u”
to campbell….and im just like wtf. seirously…wtf. that’s not even
true…cuz i dont even talk to melissa. WTF. loserhoebag. so that was
kind of gay….and amy was really pissed. mmm. then i skipped the first
half of french class to go to donati…so i cud get out it…and it was
actually a rather upsetting visit……she talked to me about my
academics…and how im not getting asked back to the school next
year…i was like……..waaaaaaaaa. i dont know. too tired to write
about it right now. then the rest of french was amazing…but i really
had no idea what was going on…and then she was just like asking
random questions in french…and i guess i thought i knew what i was
talking about…but i really was WAY off….cuz i answered one of them
“Because he’s gay?” and she justl ike stared at me like wtf is wrong
with u. ahahha it was soooo funny. AH. THEN ENGLISH WAS SO HORRIBLE.
hahahaa. ahhh now i remember what activities was….it was me and the
other tree axe fo yo moufers beating up on the LOSER laurne kristin and
christina that wanted to be a group of 3…we’re like um. no. im sorry.
you suck. so then we’re in cips class finally deciding the groups and
the two groups of us are like fighting back and forth about like raaa
we should be the group of 3 for like 15 minutes…and then all of the
sudden warren conor and bruce are like hey we should be the group of
three….and cip is like OKAY! they’re the group of three….i think
jeremy and i had like a thorough uprising…i was seriously
complainging about it the entire rest of the period….what a hoebag. i
guess u had to be there…it was hard to explain…and then jeremy and
i were so busy being pissed that we didnt get to pick our canto…so we
have to do some CRAP one and we have to go first….and we really
wanted the fortune tellers with MICHEAL SCOTT. dont question. inside
joke. but ummm. ya. cip sort of sucks woman’s ass. OHH. and then aafter
all of jmo and i’s talking…cip split us up…sweet. OHHH AND WE
WANTED TO POPCORN CIP. but we never had the nerve. shucks. then history
sucked as usual. and um. ya. seriously. i was like convulsing and like
feverish…just having to be in the same room with him. waaaaaaaaa.
this sucks so much. i cant handle him knowing. heh.

I don’t remember what happened after school. Random raping of random people. Sweet.

Then I actually went to dance…AH. the first one of the spring season.
Amazing. And it was amazing that I went…Because I like…never
actually do…and it was sooo funny slash cute because it was kristin
and sara’s first day ever dancing and they were just like…about to
kill themselves. aww. love them. anyway….nothing really
happened…except that i HATE HATE jordan browning. and…theres not
that many people doing it this season………and….ya. i basically
SUCK now. because i havent danced in a whileee.

then i hung out with lauren latella for a bit…who i never talk
to…so that was good…and then umm…JEREMY RETURNED ughhh…and i
raped him for a bit…and then we went up to dinner after i gave him a
tour of the girl’s bathroom.

ok at dinner…seriously….mark was like…….dying. it was seriously
one of the cutest slash saddest things i had ever seen in my life…i
wanted to just like lie him down on a couch and hug him for like 14
hours straight. waaaaa. my marky.

so dinner was absolutely HILARIOUS. i think i literally fell off my
chair at one point…it was just so amazing…….sam just kept talking
about the blowjob comment and i demonstrated blowing…hahaha it was
just….brilliant.

Then I actually went to choir. Gasp. Mmm……Sooooo boring. And I told
mark he should leave beacuse he looked so sick…and then he did…and
then i was like AK! why did i send my mark away?  But it was
amazing because then sam and i took literally a 30 minute bathroom
break and went to poe and watched tv. hahahah. brilliant. but ya. at
least i went to choir.

And then I went down to the school to get my books thinking amy had
probably left…and i turn the corner to the benches……and none
other than amy and campbell are sitting there…hmph. i was just
totally not expecting or wanting to see campbell at all. so i was like
bleh. and…as expected….twas very awkward…and obvious that they
had just been talking about me.  egh. life sucks. i dont
know……..and then….well. i guess i dont want to write about it
here…too sketchy already. so ya. it ended up being just like awkward
and sketchy and embarassing bleh bleh.

Then they both left me…and I ended up being there till like
9…because my mom forgot about me…but i had not the slightest
inkling to want to go to campbell’s house…heh. so i wandered around
with josh raiffe…and im not gonna lie…the kid is SKETCHY. aahhh and
then i talked through a glass window to ben and mark and royce who were
in study hall…and then mark sneaked out of study hall to talk to
me…aahhhh that beast. ❤

Then I got home…and…..talked to amy for a bit. Was a rather loaded
conversation…and again…I don’t think i should write about it on
here…but…ya…..meh.

Then I rambled to Emlyn for a while…….meh.

So then out of NOWHERE….i assumed campbell would just like never
speak to me…campbell ims me…and is being sketchy…and im like
wtf  and so then…me and emlyn were like ahhh…and then i just
decided….spur of the moment…that…….I might as well just buck up
and face this…and just be truly honest…because god knows I’ve never
actually tried that in a relationship…and especially not in campbell
and i’s relationship…and it might just be a breath of fresh
air…might lift the tension and allow this horror to pass
sooner…besides…we both already know how I feel and that we both
know we know…so we might as well just face it. So I finally just sort
of tried to confront him about it…but i sort of sucked….

AnInnocentBanjo: so…um…………..whats…with u
WellUMissed1229: what do u mean?
AnInnocentBanjo: well i duno…things are…strange…
AnInnocentBanjo: and we both know it
WellUMissed1229: ya
WellUMissed1229: im trying to make it less weird
AnInnocentBanjo: ?
WellUMissed1229: by being more chill about ur annoyingness

it was an okay conversation until he said that last line…i was like
WHAT THE FUCK. it honestly made NO SENSE whatsoever. emlyn and i were
like WHAT THE FUCK. then he basically never explained himself and just
left. way to go. SO campbell. so not getting anywhere again…and i
remembered again why i decided to give him up in the first
place…becuase he SUCKS at being a human being. No matter how hard I
try…I have to face the fact that I will never be able to get through
to him.

Maybe if I wear my heart on my sleeve…he might notice how it bleeds
for him. Maybe he’ll shed some compassion. Or maybe he’ll just laugh.
Either way…I’m not sure I care anymore. I’ve lost touch of my
emotions. I just don’t care anymore.

Naturally there’s a speck of flickering hope deep within me
somewhere…but I’m learning to extinguish it with every glance at
reality. Until one day…I may be able to see with eyes unclouded
again.

So Mark sent me just about the greatest text message ever today…It’s
a picture of him doing the heart thing with your fingers and then it
says:

“Lauren im sorry i was acting weird today cause of the asthma. But i
love you and u kno how they say a picture is worth a thousand
words…well i hope this picture conveys my point.”

Ok it seriously made my heart melt…into like two pieces. You have to see it.

Maybe I just need that in my life. Maybe I just need Mark in my life. Something stable. Somethine healthy.

EgotistklManiac: if u were here id give u lots of hugs
EgotistklManiac: lots and lots

Ok some boarders are cool.

This truly is ridiculously painful…I feel like I’m dragging his
memory on a chain and ball behind me…trying so desperately to fight
it off…trying so desperately to want to fight it off.

I do want to fight it off. I do.

When will my life breath fresh air? When can I ever just slow down…Just stop all of this insanity.

So here’s a random song that probably would have been more appropriate
before all of this horrendous mess…but some still applies now.

I think I’ve already lost you

I think you’re already gone

I think I’m finally scared now

You think I’m weak – but I think you’re wrong

I think you’re already leaving

Feels like your hand is on the door

I thought this place was an empire

But now I’m relaxed – I can’t be sure



I think you’re so mean – I think we should try

I think I could need – this in my life

I think I’m just scared – I think too much

I know this is wrong, it’s a problem, I’m dealing



I bet you’re hard to get over

I bet the room just won’t shine

I bet my hands I can stay here

I bet you need – more than you mind



I think you’re so mean – I think we should try

I think I could need – this in my life

I think I’m just scared – do I talk too much?

I know this is wrong, it’s a problem, I’m dealing



If you’re gone – maybe it’s time to go home

There’s an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you’re gone – baby you need to come home

Cuz there’s a little bit of something me

In everything in you


Ahhh….sigh. Is this called surviving?

So. Back to school. Nothing much loaded in that statement…except for
a great load of emotional baggage and a crapload of work…plus…quite
a bit of frustration…after two weeks of solitude and peace…right
thrust back into…High School. Ak. High school….meaning…High
school drama…high school work…high school teachers…and most of
all…High Schoolers. Ew.

Whatever. Only two more months. I just have to keep thinking of that.

Hmm…Today…was nothing amazing…I suppose…but rather upsetting in
some ways…Math first was hot…as usual…Davis being a beast…I
think we talked about my brother’s amazing Gold Davis song. Ughh.
Driver’s Ed was painfully boring as usual. English…ah…such crap.
The day went by so slowly. Then activities I had ike 50 things to do
but I ended up not being able to do any of them. I tried to avoid the
sketchy man. Chem……boring still…then
lunch…was…interesting………Ok I was seriously feeling sick to my
stomach thinking about having to sit with him at lunch…and when I got
up there I seriously thought I was gonna like kill myself…It was like
unbearable for me…I don’t know why…just…awkward and
embarassing…bleh. But then I told some beasty stories and it got
better. Meh. French was crap. History was sketchy…spengler makes
me…scurred. Ahahah there was one point where spengler was talking
about death and he said “culminate” and sam and i like burst into
hysterics…and then spengler was like you tihnk death is funny? and we
just kept laughing. im sure the class thinks we’re unstable. probably
because we are. mmm so then…i had last free…and i um….went to the
dean to get yelled at for ABSOLUTELY nothing…then wandered around the
middle school with amy…and im sure we did other stuff but i dont
remember now…….then randomly campbell walked out and talked to us
and i had to like stare at the ground ferociously to not like shrivel
up and hurt myself. mmm. this is quite fun.

then i…actually went to sectionals…for what…I’m pretty sure was
the first time all year..see I’m trying this new
thing…called….doing what you’re supposed to do…I’m thinking maybe
it’ll help with the whole getting my life back thing. So anyway…in
choir we’re singing beautiful AND breakaway…wtf…since when are we a
pop group? sketchy.

Then there was random hanging around and raping of miles and
such…then i actually went home on time…I don’t know what this
is…I feel like I actually have a life. Heh. Maybe I’m finally on the
right track…..

So I went shopping…wegmans…good stuff like that….got a fuckload
of food…and then emlyn and i went into princeton…got bubble tea (of
course)….shopped…and then went into J Crew to buy a new collared
shirt for me since I have seriously like 2. And ya…it reminded me
again why I hate preps. Heh. I was like about to throw up in that store
hahaha. And it was so damn expensive. Ak. So atrocious. Preps cannot be
considered humans. I mean like……emo kids are cooler than them. Ya.
So it was not a good experience. But I got a new shirt…mmm. Oh
course…it’s a man’s shirt…because…I’m a man. Mmm.

Then I came home and had a huge ass Sudoben. Ahhh. Lovely. Sooo
wonderful. Love you sexpots. Seriously…good stuff. Thanks. Except I
always end up exhausting Jackie. Heh. Sorry.

And I still have soooo much to say. I could just explode any second.

And ahhh it looks like we’re going to the concert on friday…and then
seeing Sarah in Cats on saturday…ughh…must rape Mark somewhere in
there too. So ya. It should be a nice weekend.

Mmm…I never wrote about yesterday…well…nothing really
happened…just sucky people and crap school. AHH. MOST AMAZING PART OF
THE DAY. WAS WHEN I SAW JEREMY. I was like sprinting to get to school
so I oculd see my baby before the bell rang…and so I like ran downthe
hall to the benches and I was like WHERE IS JEREMY MANTELL…Then I
turned around and we were both like screaming for 4 minutes. Pretty
sure we scared everyone. Haha thats ok. I HAD MY JEREMY. FINALLY. I was
like spasming and orgasming all over the floor. UGHHH. I MISSED HIM SO
MUCH. He’s seriously…….my……..soulmate. ❤ ❤
#<<#3<3<#<#<3##<#<#3 Then we hugged for about
16 minutes. And then we had to like count the minutes until we saw each
other next. Waaaaa I love my baby so much. So hot.

Then in Math class: TTTF. I was
telling Jeremy how I was TTTF: Too tired to function…but then of
course…it can also mean: Too tight to fuck. Mmmm. Good stuff.

And ahhhh at the end of the day….Jmo gave me my presents…and they
are BEASTS. He got me these actually AWESOME sunglasses…a chicken gum
dispenser thing thats like godly…and hahha the same thong mark got me
in green hahaha only like 4 sizes too big…amazing job jeremy. you
rate. and he’s dividing the condoms 5 for emlyn, 4 for me and 3 for
julia. Quality. Sooo quality. Then my day consisted of this:

Went home….slept. Woke up at 6. Called Jeremy. Talked for like an hour. Went back to sleep. Woke up this morning.

Good day.

OH!! hahahaha and my horrible phonecall to campbell…which was soooo
embarassing…because i TOTALLY did not mean to call him at
all…seriously…i genuinely thought that I was dialing jeremy’s
number…honestly..and then campbell picked up and im like WTF. mmm ya.
not a good idea lauren. kudos. haha.

So I mean I guess…school isn’t horrible…but not exactly where I
want to be right now…but it’s alright…I can make it. I’ve got Jmo,
Mark and Bob…and that’s really all I need to survive.

I’ll write about the seirousness of the situation tomorrow. TTTF tonight. Hahaha.

Soooo. Let’s here it for tomorrow being the first day in what….3 months? without a humpday wednesday. Feels good to be free.

And so. Alas. Finally…and truly…spring break comes to a close.

So I didn’t accomplish all I set out to do…but I actually did
most of it…and more than I thought…and then even more that I never
would have imagined in my wildest dreams. Mostly I didn’t do enough
writing…but it’s alright…Naturally…at this moment I’m regretting
and thinking of all the things I could have and should have done…but
there will be more time…some other time. On the whole…this was
probably one of the best breaks I’ve ever had…because I literally did
nothing the entire time…had alot of time to
simply…well…relax…calm down…think…and rejuvenate…in many
different ways. I think…no matter what I did or didn’t do…it
definately helped me…and no matter what else I say…it will help me
to get through the rest of this aboninable year.

So. Spring Break was amazing. And I am incredibly thankful for it. One
of the most enriching times of my life. And allowed for some true
development. Yet…despite everything…for some reason…I’m not
really dreading going back to school…because the we only have two
months left…and then it’s finally summer…shocking but true…how
fast time flies…and the last two months of school are always the
best. And go by incredibly fast…I want to hold onto every moment it
presents…and then be rid of this horrible year. And I am so looking
forward to Lysistrata…so yes. Bring it on.

All in all…probably one of the most shocking but important
decisions of it all…and actually not expected…and I don’t know
exactly what provoked it…perhaps just time away to clear the
fog…..is that………..I’ve made
the choice to let go…of him…I’ll let myself go…I’ve made the
choice to move on with my life. Maybe not give up on him…but just let
go of the dream. Maybe that validates the fact that I
never really loved him at all…or maybe just proves that I contrive my
love…create it…bandage it up and paint over the ugly parts…or
maybe is just an act of great will power to overcome to bonds of love.
At this point…I’m feeling rather independant as an individual…and
I’m starting to believe that I never really loved him at all. I
discovered an incredible parallel between him and my father that just
might explain everything…yet I’d like to not rely on overly
characteristic, cliche analytical “he represents my
father”…however…it really is quite prominant…and despite what I
say…my relationship with my father will resonate and carry with me in
all my relationships with men until I can come to terms with him. Which
I quite intend to do.

Maybe one day I’ll finally get around to writing all that’s on my
chest…and all that’s been freed from me. Because today….and this
entire break…I purged so much from myself…that now I can truly
start over. It feels incredible..to be starting over…but I’ll wear my
past around my neck…like a noose…but never let it get the best of
me. I thought for a while that I should reject my past and attempt to
live anew…but I musn’t forget the things that have brought me
here…or regret the choices I’ve made…but merely accept them..grieve
for them…and move on with my ever changing life. Change is what I
must accept. And do. Of course nothing will ever be the same. Of
course. But this moment in time is fragmented…and I can only forge
through with dignity and hope. And it seems I’ve written these words a
thousand times…but they hold a new meaning to me.

Most of all…I will break free of him. Finally. And truly. And justly.
Reclaim my identity. I will no longer let myself be consumed and
shackled…I will not be a slave and I will not be a victim. And the
truth was all I was running from…and clinging to…the
desperation…and the duality of man…was so addictive. Surely…it
will be difficult to quit…and the withdrawl will be painful and
unceasing…but I suppose in the end…love never really dies…merely
fades and loses it’s voice…straining for power…but crushed by the
sinews of the heart…the heart that has begun to beat on it’s own
again.

This is what I must do…and for the first time in a very long time…I
feel like I’m on the right path. Like I’ve finally done something
right…and that now…I can truly be free. Freedom is what I need.
Liberation.

I am an individual. I am a woman. I am a human. I am an individual.

He too, was a mirage…like all the rest. When is love ever real?
He
was a carcass and shell for me to dwell on my own
insufficiencies…unable to accept the truth…and the ideals…the
painful reality of misogynistic men. The men in my life. He was
juxtsupposed into the hole in my heart…the one my father left gaping
open…that I never let heal…the one already filled and left by
another…this one…this one was merely more malignant. For my own
burden of fire. Because I didn’t know how to correlate the man I once
knew…and the man I know now. The father that my heart longs for…and
the father that left me standing in the doorway one grey morning…that
abandoned me savagely. The man that died was never really gone…And
the boy was
merely a cataclysmic combination of all the vast emblems…all the
hopes and dreams I lingered upon…all the reality I buried…all the
pain I endured… …a perfect muse for my own self destruction…for
all the pain I felt…and all the rejection I had endured…and all the
ways I had no idea how to approach this healing process. Instead…I
stood at the firing line and let myself be abused…the way my father
used to abuse me. Dan Reiss was an attempt to hold onto the ideals of
men…to channel my repulsion and anger at men into some hopeful
redemption. Of mankind. Of my father. And once I was able to let go of
that…I tried to comprehend the complexities of reality…of the past
and present tense…with him…He reflected the distorted man that I
had no idea how to reconciliate in my heart. All in one desperate and
innately corroded little boy. The
determination to change him…to win him…was coupled with an innate
fear of abandonment…once again. And the need to deny reality.
He was a second chance for my father to stay with me…and if I could just conquer him…I could conquer my father. I failed.


Maybe this is just what I want to hear. Maybe it’s always just what I
want to hear. But at least I feel like my soul is back in my body…and
for that…for this new air in my lungs…I am willing to feed the
fire…and push away from the darkness.

How did I get tangled up in you.

How did it take me this long? This long to see him for what he really is: Not ever going to be what I want him to be. What I need
him to be. And it’s not just now. And it’s not just me. He’s merely
incompatible…at this moment…with anyone. Too fogged by his own
complexities and unwilling to dig himself out. All I can do is help
him…but moreso…I need to help myself…and I tried. I tried so
desperately. I did everything I could…my hands pale and
bloodstained…from gripping onto him so tightly…hoping he would
fabricate in front of me. My ears shallow and deaf…tired of waiting
to hear the truth. My eyes gauged out onto the floor and my heart
strewn about his living room. I wore my heart on my sleeve and he
simply spit on it and drowned it in rubbing alchohol. I tried. I tried
so hard to help him. And he only sucks the life
from me. And I. I want to live. I need to survive. And in order to…I
need to remove the needle. Pull out the syringes and the arrow driven
straight through my heart…I can peel myself off of the fish hook that
holds me suspended ten feet in the air. He was the weight on my
shoulders…all this time mingled with my incapacities and
mistakes…drowning me in a puddle of my own blood. Always drowning. He
was pushing me down…drowning me. I was always
drowning with him…where did I ever think it was going to get me? The
bottom of the ocean is never a good place for a sunset. And in this
drought…the rain doesn’t hit bottom until you can fly. I’m biting
these chains off…and even it breaks all of my teeth…I will no
longer play the fool.

I set myself on fire. To feel a fleeting blaze of truth. I was
only left charred. With harsh reality falling mercilessly around me. And not laughing…not laughing at all…at how
blind I was to ever have lit the fuse.

The scars will always resonate.

And I’m sick of sitting and waiting in the rain for you to come out of
your house to meet me. I’m drenched…I’m cold…and I’m sick of this.
So sick of you. So sick of us.

You never intended on coming out either way…So I’ll just walk away.
And I swear…I swear I’ll never look back. Never look back into those
torturous…deceptive eyes. Not until they too…are swimming in tears.
But as for now…not a single glance back.

Just blink. And let myself fall. I’ll find my footing by myself this time.

My life is in perpetual motion.

But now I face the grasp of the wind…a thousand voices billowing in
the biting cold rush of wind…the dimensions of the walls that bind
me…the ground and the gravel that shackles me to the mortal
earth…and the sinews of the trees that beckon me to return to the
forest of my past…I walk through them all. Fierce and scarred…but
this time…with the sun sneaking out of the clouds. It’s spring. And I
am reborn. And finally…finally…

Free.

Um. Seriously. Seriously.

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

*Spasms*

Ummm. Well let’s see…it’s my last night of spring break…so I feel
like I should partaaay hard….but I also have gotten like no sleep
whatsoever…anytime. So. I think I’ll go to bed…and maybe…I don’t
know…find some time tomorrow. Not that there will ever be enough
time. Sigh. And um…I just can’t beleive spring break is over….ohhh
sigh. Amazing day though…So much to say. Such a longg day. And
um…..also….WHAT THE FUCK.

Ok I had to wake up at like…8:30 or something absurd like
that…and I went to sleep at like 6:30…so um. Ya. You can do the
math. Basically….I’m brilliant. No idea how I got through this entire
day. It’s beyond me.

So then Amy showed up and I was like aaahh pretty unprepared and went
to the train station…and met up with Mark and
Jackie…YAY!..And…like expected…it was a tad awkward for the very
beginning…considering everything that had happened…but it was
alright…they’re like my best friends…so it was fine. So then we had
to wait a while for the train so we played some awesome cards…and it
was beasty swell. Amy and I dominated.

Then on the train we played some more cards and ugh Mark and I like
slept on each other..cuz we were so tired…and…um. Ya. Talking and
such.

Then basically we got to NYC and were like…ummm….wtf are we doing
here…and so we’re just like umm whatever. Let’s just…go…do stuff.

Awww. Tear. It’s my last day…essentially…and I really wanted to
wake up early…ish…enough…to not be a bum. Oh well. But
actually…I suppose it’s good that I got alot of sleep…because I
won’t really be able to for a while…

Shit oh well.

So now begins the utter disappointment of Spring Break. I already had
too little time…and I was planning on spending all my time today
making up for all of it and getting in all I wanted to finish
doing……….But to my surprise…I woke up…walked through my
door…and saw none other than Melissa Kay standing on my stairwell
looking up at me. I seriously went WHAT THE FUCK. She just completely
randomly showed up at my house without telling me and was like oh hi!
Hahah. WTF. Now I know how Campbell feels. And it sucks. So then we
just sort of…blubbed around…cuz basically…I had no idea what she
was doing here or why she was here…..and I didn’t want to be rude or
anything…but I was sort of like…ummm…Melissa…what are you doing
here……and she was just like…oh my dad was in town so I felt like
visiting. “Visiting.” If only that’s what it was. Psh. I kept thinking
she would eventually go away or leave if I gave enough clues…but
no…she fully intended on spending the entire day with me because she
assumed I had nothing better to do. Um. Excuse me…I have a life. No
no it’s ok. I’m really being rather harsh…it turned out to be a
fairly fun day…just…not what I wanted…or when I wanted it. I
guess any other time wouldn’t have been that bad. At least the day
wasn’t a complete waste…actually….there were some AMAZINGGG times
yo.

Well so we met up with Emlyn after a while…after a while of Melissa
and I wandering around beastily and getting sufficient bubble tea. Then
the three of us had beasty times. Went to the library…got 3 copies of
Lysistrata…ohhhh ya. Good stuff good stuff. AMAZING PLAY. I’M sooooo
fucking excited.

Ok. Amazing time #1:

KILT MAN! Ok seriously. Coolest
man I’ve ever met. Sooooo amazing. KILT WEEK IS SAVED. So we’re walking
down the street towards Hoagie Haven…and all the sudden I see this
man on the other side of the street….full in clad in a classic KILT.
So…naturally…I can’t contain myself and I just SCREAM: YESSSSSSSSSS. UGGGGGHHHH. Being
my strange weird self just hoping to scare him off…and instead…we
meet him at the end of the street…and end up talking to each
other…for seriously….an hour…or more. Twas BRILLIANT. He’s an
AMAZING man. His name is John. He was with his brother. Named John.
He’s from Alaska. He was 24…and looking at Princeton to go there for
Graduate School as an Art Major. He formed Alaska’s first and only
Fraternity. And he was a BEAST. He reminded me alot of Richard. Very smart. And we got into a seriously
intellectual conversation…the whole hour we talked about Art…and
how it’s defined…etc etc. And of course Melissa was being a sketchy
little Melissa…and kept acting like she knew everything about art and
crap…and hahahaha the man actually said “You really shouldn’t ever
elevate yourself to thinking you’re superior to anyone” hahah. Ughhh.
So hot. But then Melissa berated him for having hickies on his neck.
Which was an AMAZING conversation…and he’s like “Well…when you get
older…and you get in the heat of the moment…biting is good” He said
he met up with an old high  school friend…ahaha. Wow. Oh and he
makes rabbit art. He was VERY cool. Best part…ever.

Me: So…why are you wearing a kilt?

John: “Because you never see a good kilt anymore. Because the world
needs kilts. Kilts are the best. I think if there were more kilts in
the world…the world would be a much better place. Kilts are just the
essence of goodness. And they’re damn sexy.”

Me: So do you normally wear kilts?

John: Oh yeah. All the time. I’m thinking about just forgetting about pants altogether. Go with kilts.

Me: Just because you can?

John: Just because I can.

Me: Amazing. You just made my kilt week. It’s kilt week this week you know. (Ok so I fudged the truth a little)

John: Ah yay! That makes me feel good about myself.  It was so
sad…I went to NYC and I was shocked. I was like…WHERE ARE ALL THE
KILTS? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO. It’s really a shame.

BRILLIANT MAN. BRILLIANT. He can be my God anytime. Oh and there was
something else he said that was amazing…I don’t remember anymore…..

Amazing time #2:

We stood in the like…little entrance way of CVS….and acted out
Lysistrata for the random people entering and leaving the
story…because…….that’s an awesome thing to do. YESS. UGH. So
amazing. So many people were scared.

Amazing time #3:

We went into this random church to try to “donate to them” which really
meant…we needed a letter saying we could get free bagels so that we
could steal some more from innocent restaurants in the town…(long
story)…and we walked in…and…firstly we’re creeped out after just
watching the Exorcism of Emily Rose…and plus I’m just confused why
we’re in the sketchy looking church…and of course I think there’s no
one in there…so we walk straight down the thing…and I’m just
completely mouthing off…cursing off to no end…and being like aaah I
hate Jesus What the fuck yo….and then we get up and stand at the
altar..and we hear a voice “Please get away from the holy altar”…and
we turn to the side and there’s the priest sitting in a chair praying
and staring at us…haha…the whole time. Quite quite bad. We
literally fled the premises.

Amazing time #4:

Aaah we were interviewed by these random PHS kids about religion and
they filmed it..and of course…Melissa went off on this amazing
tyrade…and Emlyn said some cool stuff…..and then I stood in the
middle and just sort of nodded and was like “Yup. I agree”…”Me too.”
Haha. Brilliant.

Amazing time #5:

UGH. I SAW THE FUCKING SLAMMAN. MANNN. In Panera. UGH. And we went over
and talked to them and sat with them for a while…man…that boy
really is hot. And now I finally found out what his name is. Carlo.
mmm. This is such a sexy relationship. So hot. Then Melissa (Junior
sketchy one) and Griffin showed up…who are apparently friends with
them…and I fled because it was a tad sketchy and awkward.

Amazing time #6:

The three of us sitting up in a tree in palmer square being sexy and
then like 4 different officers yelling at us to get off public
property. Hahaha. Good work. That’s actually how we found Emlyn. We’re
looking for her..she tells us she’s near Tereasea’s and then we turn
around and she’s sitting up in a tree. Hahaha. Good one Emlyn.

Amazing time #7:

Really really sketchy 7 year old that came up to us and was harassing us and inviting us over to her house. She was a beast.

Mmm. That’s all I remember. I don’t actually think we really went into
any store. I guess it was actually pretty amazing. But anyway…then
Melissa left because….she did. And we had only like an hour until the
show so we decided to just hang out till then…and so we went to
Hoagie Haven and then got more bubble tea. Haha woot. Then Bryan took
like 45 minutes getting there so we had to yell at him.

Then we went to Pippin at PHS. It was……..um…..intense? The show
itself seemed potentially very interesting…but the production was
just so……soo…High school. So high school. It’s ok
though…because Niall was amazing.
Let me just say…I LOVE THAT BOY. Seriously. He was fantastic. He made
the show. He was the lead…not Pippin…but the sleek
sexy…narrator…type….lead…and UGH. So amazing. I was sooo proud
of him. Watching him grow up is one of the most amazing processes I’ve
ever seen. The fact that he’s gay sort of broke my heart…but it’s
alright…he’ll always be my Niall. Doug and Mary were there at the
show…which was quite adorable. And omg. Niall’s bio was AMAZING. All
normal and elegant…and then the very last line: And lastly, and most
importantly, I thank Brenden Lend for having such firm buns and thighs.
AAAH. Emlyn and I like died of laughter. Ohhh and the sex scene was so
brilliant. In the end…I’m very glad I went to see it…Niall is soo
going to Broadway. I’m so proud…And I’m glad I finally saw
Pippin…what kind of a theatre kid am I if I don’t even know Pippin?
So ya. Then at the end of the show I saw his mom and she gave me a
hug…and honestly…Niall and I have the strangest relationship ever.
I don’t want to get into it…but…ya.

OH. Omg. Like 2 minutes into the show there was this really soft sweet
song…and right in the middle of it…Emlyn’s phone goes off SOOO
loudly…and everyone was like WHAT THE FUCK. And she couldn’t find
it…so it just played the entire way through…it was sooo bad. Ah.
And then it was upsetting because we got there like 20 minutes early
but we didnt feel like going in so we sat outside and ate our
sandwiches…and when we were done…the doors were almost
closing…and it was completely filled….so we had to sit in the very
very last row way in the back. We just felt really dumb. Heh.

Hm. Then came home…and I don’t remember………seriously. Watched
the end of Return of the King with Bry and Friedman…aaaaaaaaah they
have an OBSCENE amount of credits for that movie. Hahaha. And then
Friedman sang us GOLD DAVIS. Yessss. And then Bryan and him got into
the SKETCHIEST ass fucking fight ever. It was so scary. And then we
just watched random stuff…haha the Girl Next Door…and then Quest
for Camelot…and I practically finished my journal. SOO close. Then
Emlyn and I did our GODO…cuz we’re sketchy like that.

Now I should SEIROUSLY go to bed. I’m soo screwed. I’m going to NYC
tomorrow…at like 8. And it’s 4:50. Crap. Mmmm. Oh ya and I got into a
fight with Amy and Jackie about that crap…grr. Don’t feel like
writing about it again. Whatever. People just suck. Suck.

So. I guess it’s time to say a thing or two.

I have to say…that it’s time…for me to begin to
accept…reflect…and heal. I’ve been rejecting all forms of
communications with my past…and it’s only been weighing more heavily
upon me…until I’m suffocated…without anywhere to turn.

I really had better resolve some things before they continue to grow
and fester and torture within me. The truth is…I don’t deal with
things. I don’t know how to. I shield, cloud and mask a great deal of
issues in my life…yet they linger…haunting and grey…and feeding
upon my every emotion…draining me of life. So at least…if I state
some facts…and keep them abreast in my mind…refrain from denying
pain…then the pain will begin to subside with time and acceptance.
For now…that’s all I can do. And it’s what I need to do. I can’t
humble myself to accepting the help of a therapist…and if I continue
in this way…I’ll end up tearing myself open with a rugged knife and a
bottle of memories.

I suppose. I should start inwards…work my way out. Examine what it is that I am at this point…

I am. A daughter. I am. Torn. Abandoned. Hurt. Decieved. Alone.
Violated. Unwanted. Loved. Desperate. Juvenile. Older. Hopeful. I am. A
child. A dancer. An actress. A student. A writer. A romantic.
Fundamentally and above all else…I am. Alive. Never once in my life…or
since this terrible ordeal have I ever doubted my determination to keep
living…sense of purpose…nor questioned my existence. There remains no single shred of
suicidal nature in my body. The optimism helps with survival.

I am a child. Very much so a bubbling little girl. A terrified, quaking
individual. Full of wonder and indignant dreams and hopes. And very
much afraid of abandonement. Well I was abandoned. The period of growth
between letting go of childhood and accepting maturation was a crucial
part of my life…yet I’m sure I still house a great deal of fear and
insecurity within me…and still a great deal of innocent fascination
with the world. However…I’m not entirely sure if this is truly how I
feel…or whether I’m just recapitulating all that pshycology seems to
want us to believe is typical…normal…and abnormal in the same.
Perhaps I refute that. Maybe I’m not sure. All I know…is that
somewhere…whether I acknowledge her or not…a child Lauren is still
very much alive.

So then I am a budding teenager. Youthful and brimming with angst. Forlorn. Rebellious. And aching to break free.

innate

My father stems the vast majority of my scars and
battlewounds…inflicting woe for years upon years. He bullied
me…denied me…and deceived me…all of us. Even in childhood he
ignored me…was gone for a great amount of the time…but not long
enough that I could detach myself from him…he was very much my
father…and I very much idolized him and admired him…loved him…yet
I did recieve the same nuture. With time…and abuse…he slowly and
steadily lost my respect…to the point at which he exhausted my
respect and adoration…and he was merely a man…a caretaker…but no
longer a father. He was not characteristically cold…yet unforgiving
and fierce…raging battles and taking out his anger on us. I’m sure I
paint a much harsher image of him in mind at times…because it’s much
easier to accept such treatment from a tainted image rather than a
sheer complex father. Yet it cannot truly be said that he’s
complex…he shows a great deal of natural human complexities…yet he
seems deep seated in Perhaps, on the surface he appears to be a
ruthless, black hearted womanizer…when truthfully, beneath it
all…he’s really an insecure little boy without fulfillment. Maybe I’m
done with analysation and suppositions. Maybe…All in all…the truth
is…my father…is dead.
He is not only gone from my life…but gone from the universe. To deal
and in some twisted way..grieve…I disguised many aspects and memories
of my father in certain lights…whether harsher to soothe or sweeter
to agonize…yet in the end…I think the fact is such…my father is
actually…despite many things…human. At some point or another…he
cared…cared about our family…and life…and the pursuit of a full
and lush life…rather self-centered and with a strange display of
manners…but essentially good…and he was terrified of age…and in
seeing life’s true character….fled. I suppose he’s merely just a weak
man. Weak and rotten. So he made a crucial mistake. Or rather…series
of mistakes. No no. What am I saying…this doesn’t seem to make sense.
None of this seems to make sense. Here I am again…trying to
guise…explain…or give reason to some unjustified…cruel act
of….nature…fate…God…who knows. Maybe he just lost his mind.
Maybe he never had a heart. I just can’t seem to reconcile to the man I
thought I knew…and the man I knew now. Not with any sort of natural
and logical meaning. Perhaps…in this matter…at this time…there is
no answer…and there doesn’t need to be. For my own self preservation
and healing…perhaps it’s not necessary to understand his
motives…but more so…my rationale…my emotions…and how this has,
and continues to effect me. In the end…my father showed himself to
care nothing for family and imprinted a growing and bloody scar on my
flesh. I resent it for him greatly. And yet…I don’t hate him. Of all
my desperate emotions cast around thoughout this experience…I have
yet to feel or express any great anger for him. For months even, after
he left, I…while I did not deny sadness and despair…refused to face
him…in any real light…I refused to admit to him my great
sorrow…disappointment…and utter horror in him. Practically fear.
This period of denial seemed deranged, yet fully comprehensible…and
naturally…I grew out of it eventually…but only when my father’s
actions directly effected me…and I was personally being attacked.

ANGER.

So um. How do I put this?…..It’s 7:32…and I…..haven’t gone to bed
yet…um ya. This is just a tad demented. And I’ve never quite been in
this predicament…so I honestly don’t really know what to do with
myself…I know I need sleep…But I just can’t sleep at this
point…and it’s not like I’m trying to stay up all night…I was just
merely staying up late doing…Laurenly things…and then the sun
started rising…and then rose…and now I can’t go to sleep…and I
sort of feel like I should just start my day right now…but then I
know I’ll sorely be paying for it later. Oh what to do. This is so
spring break. Although I have to say, this is a first. I don’t even
know what this is. This is a potential problem. Potentially…quite
cool.

Maybe I’ll try to take a shower and then try to go to sleep again. The
other problem is I know if I get to sleep then I might not wake up till
like 5…and then I’d just be really nocturnally fucked. And school is
in like 5 days…so maybe I should just get a move on with my day. Oh
dear oh dear.

I blame Bryan. And Mat. Always Mat.

So now it’s 11…and I suppose this really was a faulty plan…because
as much as this is the earliest I’ve been awake all break…this sleep
pattern has rendered me entirely worthless…to the point where I’m
just a blubbering blob right now…getting a total of 3 hours of sleep
tonight. I could go back to sleep…but mostly…I don’t want to sleep
through another sunny day. So I suppose I’ll just wait hopefully until
my mind comes back into focus.

For now…I need to update on the past few days. Hm hm hm.

Tuesday- Ugh. Was a BEAST. I
seriously woke up at 4. Hahaha. And then just got up and got ready for
Jon’s party…then my mom got home at like 5 and we went to Barnes and
Noble to get Jon’s present…which was actually a beast…I got him
Anthony Rapp’s book, a Slytherin wristband, the Les Info box set and
Rent Workshop CDs, Moo Moo brownie bars and a really really
inappropriate card haha…that Mark actually bought. So ya. Good stuff.
Then got to Jon’s party like a half an hour late and missed the
surprise. Shucks. So ya. Then the party pretty much ROCKED ASS. Wooooo.
Basically there was uhh…like an hour of random dance party…wooot.
Oh and I was dressed like a TOTAL slut. We had to dress like
cowboys…so I was like cowboy hooker. Ohh baby. And me and Caroline
just beasted. And then we watched Rent and totally orgasmed and spasmed
and sang and danced and screamed each song….me and Jon and Sam and
Caroline were being obscene. Soo much fun. Such good renting. Then
there was amazing cakes from Amanda and sexy present opening…and then
more random dance partying….yay! So um ya. I think that was about it.
Ruddy brilliant though. I heart Jonny. Then Caroline drove me home and
she’s just about the cutest girl on earth. Teehee. Much love. Ok then I
really don’t remember what I did that night…but I know that I went
home at 6 in the morning. I
watched something on TV but I don’t remember what…and then Bry and I
watched stuff…and then I stayed up and started to read Without
You…I thought I should go to bed when I saw the sun coming up…haha.
And then I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep…and suddenly the
alarm went off….for when I normally have to get up at like
6:30…hahaha it was soo funny. So unhealthy though. But still amazing.

Wednesday- Ah. Lovely. I think
I got up at like…3…which wasn’t all that bad considering I went to
bed at 6:30…and then randomly started watching the Laramie Project
cuz it was on HBO….and haha of course by this time Emlyn was already
home from school…so me and Em and Bry watched it…and it was intense. Pretty
hot. Then…Uh. Ya. I don’t remember. Haha I made a slideshow of
pictures as my screensaver to be cool like Jackie…and that actually
took a while haha. It was a very spring break thing to do though. Ok so
then I……..really don’t remember anything else. But UGH. I know that
I was direly craving bubble tea….and dinner was just about to
start…so I made Bryan drive me into town to get some…but he made me
buy both of them…whatever. So we get into town and Bryan, being the
genius that he is, is like “Oh there’s another place in town to get
bubble tea…we should check that out”…So…we were like what the
hell, let’s branch out and try a different one…so we go to Tomo
Sushi…and order 2 bubble teas…wait there for the ten minutes and
pay…and get out…….taste them….and…I mean…they were
fine…just not Tiger Noodles. Not quality. I’m sorry. They were just
not up to par. So I proceed to beat Bryan. And then he’s like…hey why
don’t we just go to Tiger Noodle too…haha so I’m like ya! What the
hell. So then this was like the most AMAZING thing ever…Ok. I walk
into Tiger Noodles, holding a freaking bubble tea in my head…and
order 2 more bubble teas…and then after a while the guy’s
like…”Hey, is that a bubble tea you have? I’m confused…Where did
you get that? What’s going on? You be stealin bubble tea?” Me:
“Uh…no…it’s a…long story” Him: “Ya it better be a long story…so
what…you got 3 bubble tea now? You need that many?” Me: “Ohhh ya.”
Hahahaha brilliant.

So then we got home…and I believe the rest of the night was devoted
to Harry Potter. We still hadn’t watched the DVD yet…so first we
watched that…and then we went on that crap Extra Features disk…and
did literally EVREYTHING on it….watched all of the crap…it was so
amazing. It was okay…because it was fun…and cuz I had been wanting
to do it anyway…but I think on whole…we spent 6 hours in total on
the DVD. Hahaha. Ok seriously…the deleted scenes are freakin AMAZING.
There’s one where everyone sings…and Emlyn and I were like
convulsing…and then there’s one from the Yule Ball…and Harry walks
by a carriage…and it’s like rocking back and forth and the windows
are all steamed up…and theres like people giggling in it…it was
BRILLIANT. Hahah.Emyln and I like died. Ok Mat. You must watch all the
special features…you will fall EVEN more in love with Danny…if it’s
possible.

And then was like the MOST amazing thing ever. I guess after that I sat
around and watched stuff on TV and then Bryan came back and we watched
some classic Magical Project S…and by the time that was over it was
like 2:30…and I was actually hoping to go to sleep…so as to get
back on a normal sleep program…but no. No. Bryan’s like hey wanna
come to my dorm room….and I’m just like…eh. What the hell…when
else do I get to go to a college dorm at 3 in the morning. So uggh…at
3 in the morning we snuck out of the house and drove to his
dorm….went to Wawa and were like ugh. We need some Chef Boyardee. We
were livin spring break up. So classic. And so we bought it and the guy
was being really sketchy and thought we were going out…and
then…considering it’s like 3:30 in Princeton…there was no one on
the roads….so we just ran around in the middle of the streets like
madmen for a while…and Bryan drove around swerving and hitting things
and driving like a crazy man. Then we went into Forbes and used the
kitchen to cook our Chef Boyardee, and since we didn’t have any
forks…ate it with two straws…like chopsticks. It was brilliant. And
Bryan sucked his ravioli through the straw. Hahaa. Then we went to his
room and I read him the beginning 6th book…because we’re just that
ghetto. And then at like 4…I thought he was gonna take me home…but
he refused…so I was like ARGH. So then I just ended up sleeping on
his dorm room bed for like an hour and 15 minutes…so then at like
5:30 he finally took me home…and the sun was starting to rise
haha…and at that point…I mean I guess I was tired…but then I
tried to get in bed…and Bryan went off talking about…I have no
idea…and just kept talking for like an hour and then finally I shoved
him out haha…and then by that time…it was like 6:30…and I
tried…and tried…but I just really couldn’t sleep. Then I didn’t
know…I didn’t exactly know what to do with myself…cuz the sun was
blatantly coming up…and it was just plain light out…and I couldn’t
sleep…and I felt like just getting up and watch the sunrise…because
I’m never up that early anyway…so I did. And wrote a whole bunch of
poetry and watched the sunrise. So that was pretty cool. But then at
that point it was like 7:15…and I was like hey, Emlyn’s getting up
for school…haha…so I went and hung out with her…and for some
reason…Aunt Cheryl seemed…upset with me…that I had stayed up so
late…I guess she should be. Hmph. But so then…by the time Emlyn
went to school…I really just had no idea what to do with
myself…because it’s like 7:30…and completely light out…and I’m
not tired…and I can’t get to sleep…but I’m fucked if I don’t…and
I have no reason to pull an all nighter…but um. Ya. I think I already
wrote this. So anyway…I just decided to take a shower and see what I
felt like…so I did…and still wasn’t tired…so I sat in bed and
read for a bit…and then finally at like 8:30…I FINALLY managed to
go to sleep. Mmmm. I got up at like 10:30. And by that time I was
actually tired. Just mentally not there. But I was actually up before
noon, which was impressive…so I just went with it. Ate breakfast
and…er…wrote on here. Now it’s noon and I don’t really know what to
do with my day. I suppose I might walk into town. Hmmm. La dee da.
Interesting day. Very interesting.