“The cradle rocks above an
abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief
crack of light between two eternities of darkness.”

 – Vladimir Nabokov

I don’t know. I thought it was a cool quote.

Sigh. Today was intense. Let me see……..math…oh so much fun. i
really love that class. um. then driver’s ed…and i was falling asleep
obscenely…and aaaahaha the whole class was about DUI’s…and my dad
got a DUI…and nehlig was just going on and on about how “They’re
criminals…and they get arrested, handcuffed, and put behind bars like
everyother common criminal…” and for some reason…i was just
laughing my head off. i think the whole class was like wtf.
then….english. whoa. english happened? i dont recall. boring. cip
sucks. activities…i dont remember at all. chem…bleh. bleh-y. then
lunch was fairly interesting…furlong was randomly like saying i loved
campbell…because i was apparently being “mean” and…i dont
know…its a long story i guess. but it was strange. camps was flipping
out at first randomly…but then he calmed down. i duno. i dont
remember. i think he was saying he hated me or something or…i dont
know. french was boring and in the comp lab again. and i dont even know
what i did that period. then i had history which was an easy quiz and
then sitting around…and for some reason…i was overtaken with memory
of SMP and i burst into laughter in the middle of the quiz…cuz
campbell was sitting right there…remembering…er…that night with
kerr….and ahahaha. and after that. and i was laughing so hard to
myself. i think im seriously insane. and then we were writing about the
panic of 1870 or something…and i…without thinking…wrote Panic! of
1870 on my notes…and taht made me burst into laughter too. Mmm. Good
stuff. Then last period was really funny. Me and amy and jackie hung
out…and i randomly without thinking said something really stupid and
jackie had a huge laughing fit for like 12 minutes straight. it was a
good day for laughing. then we hit up bush’s room. then we used piel’s
water machine to make hot chocolate and attempted to hide in camps
locker. twas a good period.

then after school……campbell was randomly being really nice…and
actually talking to me…and randomly saying he’s going to godspell.
strange strange man. i guess you had to be there. then i got a classic
and amazing massage from jmo. and raped connor. and hung around for a
bit. and then at 3:30….i……ACTUALLY went to rehearsal. amazing. im
really glad i went…even though it was like a waste of time since they
just did a cue to cue…i’m really really regretting now…that i
didn’t really partake in it…i chose not to be involved…and im
really regretting that now. and at least wishing i could have been in
it. i knew it would happen if i came back. oh well. the show opens in 2
days…which is absolutely absurd. and i havent even seen it through
once. shocking. it was fun though. jackie gets to stand on the
booth…which…im not gonna lie…is pretty wicked awesome.

then i went and hung out with bob and rob and steph…and for some
reason……..actually…touched rob. ok i know that sounds
weird…especially coming from me…but it was the first time in 5
months or more that i had voluntarily and knowingly touched him…i
mean he came up and was like fighting over the tie thing…and like
holding his tie out for me to feel it…and normally i would have…but
it was like rob…so i sort of ignored it…and then he’s like “feel
right here”….and i did. see wow. i sound so retarded dont i? but if
you only knew how far we’ve come…things are getting SO much better
now. and i really like the way its ending too. because neither one of
us has the power either. that was always the problem. neither one of us
has suddenly “decided to talk to the other”…and relinquished the
other…but we’ve both slowly forgiven each other. sweet.

then i had dinner with mark and bob. it was awesome. except when bob
left…my natural habit was to say “i love you”…but i suddenly
halfway thru realized it wasnt a good thing to say…so i tried to make
it into some strange word….so it came out like “i lovtuberblontewugh
you” hahaha it was so funny. im awful. then mark and i had fun. teehee.
we did his laundry together…which im not gonna lie…was so much fun.
mark and i have just SO much fun together. its absurd. haha. it was
awkward though…cuz i was like sorting through his boxers. mmm good
stuff. but i got to put the XTREME tide in. yesss. and then he crushed
me cuz i was making fun of him. and then we went and hung around and
went to poe. and we randomly ran into camps twice…an dit was
weird…cuz we totally werent stalking him…just randomly running into
him…..and kerr. whatever. campbell had a totally weird moment in poe
when i was asking everyone if they loved me and camps is like “I’m not
gonna lie…………….I don’t hate you.” Weirdest thing ever. The
boy is unstable.

Then Mark and I went down to the school and hung out…hahaha we went
in the elevator and talked for like an hour. so much fun. and we were
like lying onthe floor of the elevator on top of each other. so cute. i
love the boy. so much. then um. i guess i went home. at like 8. and um.
i guess. didnt really do anything. i dont know.

I’m such a waste of sperm.

I didn’t get ANY work done today.

The boy is so fucking cute. We’re teetering. It’ll be so worth the wait if we ever take the plunge.

Tomorrow is Wednesday…and. Well. We all know what that means….

Random crap survey…then off to bed.


tallest: bob. hands down.
shortest: christina? i dont know. oh. melissa. definately that one.
funniest: hmmm.
no one’s that funny haha. everyone cracks me up though. jeremy is
hilarious. actually…id probably say lucy obus wins. alix is pretty
funny too.

most boring: um. i can think of a few…
bitchiest: heh. you dont want me to say it aloud.
hottest: oh definately……..jackie.
most trustworthy: hm. maybe jackie. or like…um. mat? sudoben. in general.
loudest: hm. me? …….cant think…jmo sometimes actually. cant…think…of…someone…good. like…jess nixon or something.
quietest: hm. sara? i know i can think of someone.
saddest: saddest? in what sense? like most emo? i dont know…maybe melissa.
craziest: what a question. um. no idea how to answer that.
stupidest: haha bowman or something like that
blondest: kristin.
most caring: hmmm. good one. mat? emlyn…
most uncaring: campbell.
someone to just act stupid around: markkk. or jmo. i adore them. plus like…jackie.
sluttiest: heh. me. or…christina…or leg.
poserish: um. everyone? i can think of someone…but i dont want to say it either
laziest: ok definately me. but other than that…it’d go to jackie and mark.
most athletic: um. duno. i go to hun.
most poetic: hmm. ERICA! whom i ADORE.
bestest singer: ooo. SARAH. sarah. and um. jenn jacobs. or. basically anyone that kicks ass and is in godspell.
who will die alone: campbell.
who will die a virgin: kerr. kerr.
loneliest: mmm. not sure.
least favorite: cant say…i dont know…theres a few people…maybe…steph.
your most unlike: hmmmm. bowman?
your most like:  emlyn. 
scariest: haha. actually melissa doesn’t scare me. maybe bob. ahaha. or just rob.

Holy SHIT. I have sooo fucking much to write.

Sooo much.

Um wow.


Not exaggerating…probably will go down in history as one of the
greatest trips ever…slash greatest weekends ever. Simply. Amazing.

Um. Just. Wow.

I honestly don’t remember it all now…but Emlyn and I wrote most of
the good stuff down on the plane ride home…so when she’s awake
tomorrow I’ll go get that from her.

Today was……..very interesting. The morning was utterly
excruciating. Our plane was at like midnight and then we got in at like
7:30 (cuz of the time difference) and then we went to school. My god.
So painful. And Emlyn and I got a total of 45 minutes or less of sleep
on the plane becuase…we just couldn’t sleep. And we were next to this
amazing Jamaican. So we just sat and talked through the wee hours of
the night. Heh. So basically I hadn’t slept in like 36 hours…and
mom’s like ya you have to go to school….and I was just like…No.
Way. No. Freaking. Way. But for some reason…after much yelling and
arguing on the car ride home from Philly…I ended up going…and
somehow…I guess I used up my energy reserve…beucase once I actually
got to school…I was just like overflowing with energy and vivacious
life…I was so high on life…Basically the day hadn’t ended…and it
was like one long continuation of the most amazing weekend ever…and
so I was just bouncing around…and once I got around evreyone else…I
realized how AMAZING everyhitng was…and how most people probably
won’t even believe all that we did. I’m sure of it. It’s ok.

So we got in late…and I went to like 20 minutes of history and just
sat there not thinking about anything…and then…Hun TV…and then in
activities…I ran around and hugged everyone and splurted out about 50
different stories at one time completely incoherantly. Good. Then I had
chem…and we did titrations….and I was with some hot junior
guy…cuz I had no other partner…and it was fun…he was nice…and I
won on the titrations…maybe cuz…I had already done it before. Hmph.
And then…hahahaha I broke 2 beakers. Yesss. Classic Lauren. It was
brilliant. I knew it was going to happen sometime. It was so classic
though…when you watch it fall and you know its going to break…and
you can’t do anything. Hm. And it didn’t even break…it like
shattered…and then I was just lke aaah im sorry…and I was standing
there helpless…and then the other one rolled off and broke.
Shattered. Very very smooth. Made my day. Then um…Ran up to
lunch…and I guess it went well. God. Lunch is like. Hmph. I don’t
even know what it is. Whatever. But Campbell was being fairly
nice…there was one moment where he was staring at me and I forgot to
breath…but other than that it was normal-ish…except that Melissa
wanted him to slap her…and he wouldn’t…which I didn’t exactly
understand. What a strange, complex man.

Then french we were in the computer lab…and there was tons of crap
drama about Amy…and I’m not gonna lie…I was pretty worried. I don’t
know. Everything’s so…hmph. I don’t know. I was mainly confused…but
also really worried…so then eventually Allegra pulled up my xanga and
started reading it..and I was like um. Don’t read that. Please close
it. Stop. And she’s just like Whatever. You suck. I was like writihing
withnerves and I’ml ike aaaah stop reading. And ya. Eventually she
picked up the fact that I like him. Hmph. Which…incase you haven’t
been alive for any of Allegra Smith’s existence….that is just about
the worst thing imaginable.
Seriously. That’s just about my death sentance. I mean…I
suppose……………maybe there’s a slight sad chance that…He
already reads my xanga…and in that case..I’m also screwed…but
either way…I’m just about fucked. Then I was getting really paranoid
that she was gonna go run and tell him…so I like. Ugh. I just suck.
Basically…I’m completley fucked.

Then I went to Math and was all flipping out about the fact that
Allegra knows…and no one even knew who I was talking about…but they
all knew that Allegra knew who I liked…and they were just like ya.
You’re so fucked. So fucked. I was just talking to Jackie about
it…and like Cat was listening in randomly…so that’s probably
bad…cuz she’ll tell Allegra…and then it somehow became the entire
class overhearing and being like wow. Lauren. You’re fucked. And Davis
didn’t show up for a half an hour…so we just hung out in the beasty
math room. Fun. Then we had an AMAZING math class. But then
again…they always are…so it’s all good. Best quotes:

“GETCHA SELF A BOOK SOCK” – Jmo…ahahaha. That was seirously so
aamzing. I was so proud of Jeremy too…cuz everyone…especially
Davis…was like dying of laughter. He’s so come out of his shell.
Amazing kid.

“A cop of coffee” – You Jin. Amazing.

Seriously Allegra…if you’re reading this…which…I don’t know why
you would be…please…Please. For my sake…please….do the right
thing. Don’t make me hate you. And just……..I don’t know…

I really should close down my xanga. It causes so many problems. But
it’s just such a good outlet for me…and I don’t know………..who

I can’t think right now…but there’s alot I want to say. I’ll think of it tomorrow or something.

Hm. Interesting day. Very interesting.

I just left rehearsal….Yes. I’m on xanga…at Hun…FINALLY. The damn bitches unblocked it. Thank god. Victory is mine.

So anyway…I went to rehearsal at like 4…and just sat for a bit
and watched like 10 minutes of them dancing…and then Lisa had to
leave…so everyone is walking around waiting to sing…and Lisa comes
up to me and starts talking to me about my personal life…like real
personal…and everyone around is just like…”trying not to
listen”…but sort of gaping. It really warmed my heart though…having
a teacher I can talk to like that…Lisa’s like my 2nd mother…and Ms.
Ohm is my 3rd. She feels more like an old friend than a…Lisa. So she
talked to me about…what’s been going on…and it made me feel
good…just because she so deeply understands…because she’s going
through the same thing…and she’s so genuine and honest…and really
seems to want to help me. And does help me. What fascinates me
most…is that she completely understands that I’m having a horrible
time….and she only knows about the father thing. Which is
really….interesting…because for once it’s really not belittled…so
many times I brush it off as part of my past…and she was talking like
that’s what I’m dealing with. And I suppose…just because I’m not
dealing with it doesn’t mean it’s not effecting me…that probably
means that it’s effecting me more….just sitting in my cerebrum eating
away at me. So we talked about that…and then she goes “Ya. People
tend to act out when these things happen. I heard people do all sorts
of things. Like skip class. Like I heard one person decided to skip
Driver’s Ed because they didn’t like Mr. Nehlig”…UGH. How does she
know about that? And why? I asked her…and she said that “That’s all
the teachers talk about these days…and that the board elected me to
come talk to you about it all…to help you” Eh. That made me feel more
like a labrat that anything else…butit’s still alright. So all the
teachers think I’m acting out because I’m angry. Hmph. Well
maybe…subconsciously…I am. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. So
then she talked to me about my DC…and I don’t know…it felt
good to talk to her I guess..I suppose the whole school really thinks
I’m messed up. oh well. You made me this way. I guess I don’t really
remember much else…she gave me advice on getting a therapist…and I
thanked her and then she had to leave. Meanwhile the whole cast is
sitting there on stage staring at the two of us trying very hard not to
listen…I felt like a particularly pathetic labrat at that point. Very
tender. Everyone looks at me as if I’m going to blow up in a
second…or as if I have some huge secret…or as if I’m just about to
snap…as if they’ve witnessed something they shouldn’t have. Maybe
they’re all right. They have no idea, do they? It actually made me sad
though..like I’ve said before…whenever I talk to adults about
anything serious I always end up tearing up…don’t know why. So after
she left I just sort of sat there in the audience and watched the cast
tearfully…wondering how the hell I got myself into this mess. Then I
left. I couldn’t stand to watch them.

Now I suppose I’m alone in the lab….Oh shibby I wrote alot about that…not-so-important talk…wow.

Ya. So now it’s like 1…and Ihave just sooo much to say…but I know
that my mom can and will wake up at any random moment and decapitate
me…so…I guess I’ll just say that…today was…fine. The boy
was…fine. Sort of sweet. Sort of crap. Sort of a headache. Bob
was…really really awkward at first…then got better…but there was
still a fuck of alot of tension. School was fine. Whatever. Then after
school was fine…Hung out with Rob for a bit. Yes. Rob. We’re really
fine now. Shocking. Me and Allegra and Bowman randomly went down to
Campbell’s. And…then there was more harassment and Jeremy touching
and Amy talking and then had dinner with Mark and Amy…and. Twas fun.
Then Mark and Furlong and I hung out outside of Poe for like an
hour…Furlong put my “emo” gloves and cellphone in his pants and made
me get them…but there were all these teachers around so it was really
awkward because he was like raping me. Good stuff. For the record…men
at hun have ISSUES. Then I came home and beasted some more.

Still being harassed at great length by this one:

midgetrunner5: i need ur sex

And more where that came from…

And very very very good things from Bob:

Runwithscissorz6: ok listen, the awkwardness between us today was
bugging me, so i just wanna say that im perfectly ok and that i agree
that we should just be friends

Then we talked…and I feel very good about it now.

And Jackie is of course, my hero:

lessthanjackie2: please pause whatever you are doing so i can mock you

So I suppose I’m going to LAS VEGAS tomorrow. Ugh. I guess I’m
excited…but I haven’t even given it the slightest thought…so much
going on…and I’m going to miss soo much this weekend….even Mark’s
here! Hmph. Tear. Oh well. Next weekend. I’ll drug eevryone and force
them to hang out with me. But ya…Las Vegas will be fun. It better.
Rar. I suppose I won’t be able to write for a while…anyway.

Lauren needs sleep.

Lauren needs him. ♥

Out Tonight
You’re “Out Tonight.”  You just want to
go out and have a good time.  Unfortunately a
lot of it has to do with getting away from
your crappy life.  Poor thing…

What RENT song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Love is so beautiful when you let go. I still have shivers running down
my spine. It can be so beautiful. Fear needs no purpose and love
lingers on fallen gazes and iron-clad chins.

Wow. Today was intense. A long. Intense. Day. My life is absolutely
absurd…and sees no sign of stopping anywhere in the near future. My

Let’s see….let’s see…Math was fun…was partners with Jmo for a
game (duh) and we BEASTED. and drew obscene pictures on the board. Then
I had dumb dumb driver’s ed. Nehlig yelled at me and told me I was
gonna fail….great. Then I tried hard not to fall asleep. Then
activities I worked and ran around…and then someone *cough* Sam…was
silly enough to give me Rent. Give me Rent? Why would you do such a
thing. You know what that does to me. ALAS. I was sent running and
jumping through the hallways singing at the top of my lungs. Well of
course. I’m such a diva. Aaaah we also had a kick as Panic! Party…me
and Erica. Twas hot. My Panic! shirt and ghetto belt greatly pleased me
today. Then Chem was boring. Lunch was strange…but…fine…I guess.
Campbell and I talked…he seemed troubled though…was really upset
about losing his soccer game…and then mentioned that he has “personal
shit.” Ya ok Camps. I actually then went down early to “work”…and
left Melissa. I was proud. Then….French was boring and worthless.
Then. Um. English….haha was fun of course…because we had our
intense reading again…and I was Caliban again…and I got to say a
bunch of kick ass lines and it was quite quite fun. Everyone got to be
drunk. Dude there was something funny but I don’t remember now. OH YA!
hHAHAHA. I got to say “Let me see your weason” or something like
that…and Choi’s like “That’s not appropriate”…and Cip got mad.
HAHAHA. Oh and I was partners with Orleans and he went on for ages
about how he got so drunk this weekend on the forensics trip and
watched midget porn and I’m like oh. Good. I love how he goes “I know
you would have liked it.” Mmmm thanks. History was boring but the boy
was cute in a tight white see-through shirt. So he was fairly nice
today…and then randomly…like spazzed when I saw him in the hall.
That was the last of him. I rented out. And I ran around. And Jeremy
gave me his famous massage. Amazing fingers I tell you. And

Ya. Something happened. I’ll write about it tomorrow. I’m too lazy now. But ya basically……Bob asked me out. AK! Wtf. Amazing story though. I’ll write it down later. It was so soap opera though.

Then I wandered around for a bit spazzing and talking to Amy and
Allegra (who laughed for about 20 minutes straight at me) and then
finally hung out with Jeremy for a while….who gave me the most
amazing massage again…only it was just the two of us…alone…in the
hall…and all the sudden we just stopped talking…and he kept
massaging…and it was this intense…erm. Ya. It was awkward…but ya.
I loved it. Then we went up to dinner and ate alone together because
all the boarder guys were sitting with Kerr and I didn’t feel like
being with him.

Then I finally went up to Camps and was like humba we need to talk. It
was intense. And it’s a long story….I Sudobened it….but it ended up
being quite the interesting night.

Then I hung out with Mark for an hour…randomly at the school…we had
so much fun. We always have so much fun…he’s like the only person in
the world that I can just laugh with for hours over absolutely nothing
and talk about the most random junk….other than Jmo. But me nd Mark
are still much different from Jmo. Anyway. I love him and adore him. It
was fun. We took lotss of worthless pictures.

Then I went to Campbells…..rather interesting…….Let’s just
say…….Riley called me bubba. That’s about all I remember now. I had
alot to say though…it’s a shame I never really could.

Highlights from tonight’s lovely and spur of the moment Sudoben:

mkuor08: you’re stupid
lessthanjackie2: tell me when i can meddle
mkuor08: he’s stupid
lessthanjackie2: cause im like a horse locked up in the starting gate about to run out
lessthanjackie2: but is being restrainted
lessthanjackie2: LET THE GATES DOWN LAUREN
lessthanjackie2: LET THEM DOWN
mkuor08: therefore, you guys are perfect together- until you both mess it up

lessthanjackie2: JACKIE! at the disco
lessthanjackie2: or reel big mark

lessthanjackie2: you cant hold a relationship lasting longer than a mentos

mkuor08: your life is too tv
mkuor08: can i tivo it?



Soooo hot. I ran around trying to get it..we had to go to 3 different
places cuz it was sold out everywhere…we finally got it…and I
spazzed. Then I came home. I watched it. I raped it. I harassed it.
That’s basically all I did all night.


So let’s find a bar

So dark we forget who we are

And all the
scars from the nevers and maybes


Soo. Other than that…my day…was fairly…daily.
Nothing really special. Just a day. Alot of work. Alot of lack of
wildness. Campbell was stuck in Maryland…which basically meant…the
day was worthless. Melissa wasn’t here either. It was okay…um. Hm.
Math…nothing…Driver’s Ed…boring as hell…English…hahaha
english was slightly amusing because we acted it out again and I was
Caliban and had these amazing lines and at the end I had to sing…and
I actually did…it was beautful…and Choir did all of his lines as a
drunken Scot. Sweet. Then activities I actually worked…wicked. With
Bob hanging over my shoulder…but nonetheless…working. Chem. Gr. I
want back in my old chem class. *Tear* Lunch was bleky…worked a bit.
French….Shaffer is a heroin addict! She randomly gave us a huge test
without telling us…and seirously…I wasn’t the only one….the
ENTIRE class was like wtf bitch…we don’t know anything go kill
yourself. Ya. Fun period. I just bullshitted my test like ervyone else.
Mm. History was and is boring. Then I had to make up a math test last
period…which was interesting because Davis wasn’t there…and just
trusted me to take it without cheating…and I did….but I had a work
detail at 3…and I didn’t finish…and I should have an hour and a
half..since it’s double period thing…so…..I left…went to my work
detail…came back…and finished. But I swear I didn’t look at
anything or talk to anyone…so I guess that’s not cheating. Better
than the Dean raping me for not going to the work detail. It was funny
though…because the lights went off twice while I was taking the
test…the motion sensor thing….you’d only understand if you were in
my math class. But ya. Good stuff. I’ll have to tell them about it
tomorrow. Then I wandered around and hung out with…people…for a
bit…and realized I was bored and lazy and didn’t feel like staying
for dinner…so I left at 5.

Teehee. My work detail was amazing…as always…I went up
there…late…swept for a few minutes…I didn’t even really mind
it…it sort of cleared my head…then the guy came over and was like
“Hey why are you even here anyway?” And I was just like “Oh for
violating the dresscode or something like that” and the guy goes “Man,
that’s bullshit…get out of here…I’ll finish for you…The things
they send you down here for are absurd” ….I laughed all the way back
down to the school. It cracked me up. How truly
absurd the administration really is. And how sweet the work detail guys
always are. So ya…it was all of 10 minutes. And I suppose that
officially concludes this absurd chapter of my soap opera life on my
“Rebellious Nature.” Twas a good ride. We should do it more often. Get
DC’s and flip out the Dean and get everyone thinking I’m some sort of a
mass murderer for a day. It’s swell. You should try it sometime.

Ya. I really don’t mind work details. I wouldn’t say they’re fun…but
sweeping for 15 minutes here and there for being a “rebel” isn’t all
that bad. Sort of makes you feel angsty and teenage.

Ahahaha. My phone randomly disappeared and then sam called it to find
it…and someone picked up…and was like..ya…it’s in the
theatre…which was the weirdest thing ever…because…I NEVER went in
the theatre today……..strange. strange. anyway. i didn’t have the
nerve to interrupt rehearsal and retrieve it…which was really quite
silly…but I don’t know. So I guess I left it there. It’s
sad…Godspell had a costume run through today…I guess the show is in
2 weeks…absolutely incredible how fast the time went by…and how
little of a part I played in it’s production. I missed everything. My
one true passion…the one thing I love…I didn’t even…Hm. I don’t
know. I stood inthe theatre today so Ms. Ohm wouldn’t see me and just
listened…I don’t know why I didn’t want anyone to see me…I guess I
really feel rejected now…i don’t know what’s pushing me away from the
theatre…because as I stood there…even for just a second…and had
that sawdusty stage scent fill my head…and heard that loud cackle of
Ms. Ohm’s…and felt the energy from the performers…from my
friends…I just remembered…why I belong there. I love it. And
yet…I’m pulling myself away. What is it? Is it just filling me with
feelings of failure being there? I don’t know. I love just being
involved in a production…so it isn’t that…but it’s definately
unhealthy. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m just being a bitter diva. It
isn’t that at all. I think I’m just…really…having a rough time. And
suffocating myself. More self infliction. Subconcious. I’m going to try
to go to rehearsals again. Try to salvage what’s left of my favorite
part of the theatre year. *Sigh* Time. Goes. By. So. Fast.

It’s funny…because I’m sure most people would consider RENT COMING
OUT ON DVD and having a work detail at least some sort of a special
day…but to me…nothing surprises me anymore. My life is just too
absurd. Did that make any sense? No. It made sense in my head…

So. A day. Just a day. Greatly looking forward to seeing my baby
tomorrow. Ya…It’s been almost a week now. Sillyface needs to get out
of Maryland. I need to figure out my Hun Review stuff.

So um. Ya. For the record…….RENT = LIFE.

Seriously. This is beautiful. I can fucking watch it whenever I
want. UGH. I was like orgasming all over my couch. And crying. And
spasming. And I can do that…all the time! Woot. Definately having a
rent party next next weekend…and forcing lots of dumbbells to watch
it violently. And they will like it. I’ll enjoy watching all 3 HOURS of
bonus features someday. Fuck ya. I always forget how godly it is…and
then I watch it…and just drool all over everything. I want to fucking
die of AIDS.

Oh ya! I forgot to write that I fucking wore a Mimi outfit to
school today to celebrate….ughhh…but it wasn’t too asburd taht
everyone was like wtf…just like hooker boots, skin tight pants,
studded belt…ghetto fabulous jewelry..you know…the like. It was
fan-fucking-tastic. My favorite part of the day was how Jon and
Caroline ran around the halls shoving the DVD in everyone’s faces. I
nearly climaxed.

J’adore Rent.

“Life’s too short babe,

Time is flying…

I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.

No day but today.

So wow. What a weekend. What a good weekend. It was utterly…good. Four great days with great friends…little complications…and not much stress.

have to say…I’m somehow glad that Campbell wasn’t involved…it was
just pure friendship…and pure fun…no Campbell insanity.

suppose I didn’t accomplish all I wanted to…I wanted to write alot
and think alot and…actually work…but oh well…I always want to do
that…and it never happens. So I might as well accept the fact that
I’m damn lazy and give up already.

Where has all the time gone?

appears to me that I haven’t written in…ages…I mean…my accounts
of the past week have been rather weak…I wrote practically
everyday…but they’re all really scattered unfinished entries…so
read them…but they sort of stop halfway through…since I’ve been
really busy this week….but don’t blame me if they make no sense. I’m
only the storyteller.

So here….a week in review….or…more…

Sunday, February 12- AMAZING. Stalked Campbell. Did I write about this day? I don’t remember…Amazing day. Weird day. Very weird.

Monday, February 13-
Jeremy + Emlyn + Ren = Lots of sex on couch for many hours. It was so
fun…and relaxing…er…I don’t know. Jmo/Emlyn are so cute. We went
playing in Marquand Park…climbed some hills…made a snowman with an
erection (whatever happened to innocence?)…and then watched like 4
hours of The Office all curled up together on the couch wearing pajamas
(yes. even jeremy. in MY pajamas)…it was quite the adorable snowday.
Much love.

Tuesday, February 14- Valentine’s
day. I think I wrote about this day a fair amount. Campbell was an ass.
Jeremy was AMAZING. Emlyn got a kick ass valentine. Twas another lonely
year…but I love Valentine’s day nonetheless

Wednesday, February 15-
Another day from hell. I don’t understand why my life can’t slow down.
I got a DC. Grrr. It was insane. Absolutely insane. Basically…for
being a rebel. I guess it’s a long story…I would say I don’t want to
go into it right now..but I don’t really see when I’ll be telling the
story again…I don’t know…maybe I’ll get around to it. On the
whole…horrible day. Horrible. But at the same time………..Campbell
was uber cute/nice. Worthy of speaking to me. Hmph. Life is absurd.
Alack! I randomly skipped choir. I forgot about that.

Thursday, February 16- Eh.
A day. I got my punishment…which was basically just like you
suck…”Disciplinary warning” and a work detail. Not bad. But
everything about the situation still sucks majorly. Hmph. I don’t
remember much about the day anymore…other than…ya. Nothing.
Campbell was really cute during the day I guess. AHAHAHA. Jeremy beat
me in our English essay which was actually REALLY hilarious at the
time. I guess you had to be there…and I can’t explain it without
sounding really conceited…but Jmo and I were cracking up. I remember
after school…being ditched by Godspell…running around
violently…raping Connor and Jeremy…Camps ignoring me…dinner with
Mark or something. Oh ya! I remember…me and Mark had a deep and
meaningful lovely talk at the “Kerr incident” spot…for like an
hour…it was really cute. I love the man. He’s the best nookin alive.
I came home…and completely randomly…went to sleep at like 10…it
was so freaking weird. *Shudder*

Friday, February 17- Haha.
Ya. Did absolutely nothing during the day. I don’t really remember it
now. But then the night was fucking AMAZING. We went to Market Fair and
just. Ugh. We saw Date Movie…which was HORRIBLE. But then after
that…we harassed random people for like 3 hours straight. Fucking
beautiful. I already wrote about it…but it was just….amazing. We
met Morris….which was just…lovely.

Saturday, February 18- Um.
Intense day. Ballet in the morning. And then to Jackie’s…It was so
fun. So fun. I don’t know…we didn’t really do anything…and it
wasn’t wild or anything…but just really relaxing fun with old
friends. And friends that have forgiven each other. Finally. Me, Amy,
Jackie, and Kristin…and then Bob and Rob came. Ya. Rob. We found and
watched the infamous “America’s Next Top Model” tape that we made last
New Year’s Eve…it was hilarious…and shocking how much has
changed…I suppose the biggest difference was just Cat…and how she’s
just like…not…friends…with us….anymore. I don’t know. It’s her
choice…whatever. It was funny though. Emlyn approved. Then we ate and
stuff…and then we watched 10 Things I Hate About You…which I hadn’t
seen before…and Bob complained the whole way through…haha it was
okay though. Then we um…OH MAN! Strange Days at Blake Holsey High and
Zenon. We are way cool. Then we all sat in Jackie’s hippie
room…burned inscents (i cant spell)…played jenga…and watched the
slideshow of us on Jackie’s ocmputer with Flogging Molly in the
backgroud….and remembered fond memories. All at the same time. The
slideshow part was probably the cutest part…just because it..was so
sweet…just watching all these pictures of the good old days…and all
the people…and laughs…no one to impress…just memories…it
silently mended ties between all of us…remembering who we used to
be…I think especially between Rob and I. We really do have a past.
And a future. It’s amazing how easy things can be. If you let them. It
was amazing how easy things used to be. That. That night was easy. And
it reminded me of better days. And of hope. Then we played this amazing
“Friends” game…which was absolutely hilarous……because it was SOO
awkward…because all of the questions were like “Would you ever break
up with your girlfriend over the phone?” And Rob was like “God. Have
some backbone…at least do it in person…that’s just weak.” And I’m
sitting here and I’m just like….uhhhhhh. Wtf. I’m sitting right here.
Hahaah. The whole game was basically like that. It was good
though…because we were both fully aware of the other person…and
what we were saying…and we were almost finally able to say the things
we’ve needed to say for so long. It was funny too because I don’t
remember…there was some question about babysitters…and I somehow
sickly implied that I had given my brothers a blowjob…and Rob nearly
had a heartattack…it was amazing. And then there was a question like
“Have your friends ever thought your boyfriend was ugly” like for
Jackie…and Bob was sitting right there…and we…er. Ya. Long story.
Anyway. I’m rambling. The point was it was fun. Good times. So we all
left very satisfied. It was just a good night.

Then Amy slept
over…which she hadn’t done in a long time…and it turned out
surprisingly well…me and emlyn and amy all got along very well. No
more bad blood. Good, if any. We baked a cake. Ya. Literally. It was
really good too. We just had a cute kitchen party. We played hot silly
music, cooked….and danced around crazily at 1 in the morning. Very
cute. Then we planned on watching a movie or something…and got to
talking…..and then after a while…looked at the clock…and realized
we’d been talking for like 3 straight hours. I don’t even know what we
talked about…everything. It was good. Amy brought up alot of old
memories of Campbell…which forced me to relive alot of things I had
been forgetting about…it seemed a little ploy-ish on her
part…haha…but it’s ok…I understand….and it’s alright that I’ve
remembered that side of Campbell. I can live with all of him. I guess
we eventually got to sleep.

Only sad thing was I missed Sudoben. THOSE FUCKERS. Diediedie!

Sunday, February 19-
Amy and I woke up at like 12 and watched KICK ASS oldie game
shows…like Double Dare 2000….ooooh ya….for like 2 hours. Then she
went home…and I wandered around for a bit again. Then we went to
Market Fair and had another fucking KICK ASS time. Ughhh. It was the
weirdest group I could have thought of…but it ended up alright. I
think I already wrote about this too. So. I’ll leave it at taht. Mars
was randomly there again…for like no reason…and still high. Wow. My
favorite quote of his is: “I need mad space, yo”…hahaha. But
definately the quote of the night would be: Don’t lie to me. Ahaa. Good
times. So ya. Another kick ass night.

Monday, February 20-
What a strange day it was. Woke up late…wandered around. Did
nothing…sat about..and then went to Quaker Bridge with Jmo and
Emlyn…haha it was hot. I bought an intense belt…and awesome gloves
that say hate on one hand and love on the other…because they made me
think of Campbell. We spent like our entire time in Hot Topic. Ya. Good
stuff. I got a wicked Panic! shirt. So ya. I’m definately turning into
Jackie. I was gonna buy like 18 different band shirts…but I seriously
have like no money. Oh well. Then we went to Chevy’s…haha it was so
weird…it was like me, my aunt, my mom, emlyn, and jeremy…eating
dinner……..weirdest group ever. it was like jeremy was meeting the
parents or something. I don’t know. Jeremy’s like my brother now.
Anyway…we had fun…talked about crew. *Gags* Erm. Then I got home at
like 8…sat on the computer some more…and then watched some beasty
Ice Dancing for a while…which was really cool. Now it’s like 1…and
I really should go to bed.

So yes. Good weekend.

I guess that’s where all the time went……

Alack! We’re going to VEGAS this weekend. That should be fun. Woot.



UGHHH. I must watch it over and over and over and over and over again.
And spaz. I think I’m gonna wear a Mimi outfit to school tomorrow. Fuck

Hm. I suppose that concludes said week of delight. On to a new sexy week. I hope this one brings new fiestas. I need Bowman.

Ya. Let’s see…the boy is…everclear. I don’t know. I don’t know
anything about him. I have a feeling we won’t still be in limbo by the
end of the year…I just have a feeling…I won’t let it be…but other
than that…I see no light in the near future. Just more plodding and
sudden darts of fever. The boy has no backbone. But I suppose I don’t
either, using that logic. So then I suppose it’s not about that.
Trouble is…I don’t even know what it’s about…I don’t know why we’re
not moving forward…but alas….maybe we are. He’s such a tangled
web…and I’m not sure where it is to start to try unraveling. I don’t
feel like we’re digging ourselves any deeper….yet we really aren’t
headed towards paradise anytime soon. We’re just stuck in the dead
center of a horrible drought. I don’t really blame anyone. But. For the
most part…I know what I want. I know how I feel. I know it when I
look into his eyes. Apart from his realm of beauty…I tend to lose
myself in his viscious nature…and pull away…but in those divine
moments of hazey, tender blue gazes…yes. I know how I feel. Which is
the only anchor in this insanity we’ve delved into. Maybe I’m the only
one who sees it…who dives into the cool, fresh depths of his
meandering soul…but if I’m alone…it simply leaves more room for me
in his heart. He’s taken up residence in a particularly desperate part
of my heart…and nothing but his own steady gaze can shake himself
from that spot. Wherever we go from this point…his diluted love will
savagely inhabit my soul and beat away at my foggy definitions with
rushing tides …foaming creamily at the tips and swaying violently
with his callow emotions…scraping our twisted logistics from the
realm of possiblity. Until we’re left sitting cold in the dark and
bitter night…contorted into a pleading monument of hormonal
innocence…a testament to teenage love. A barrage of our seditious and
heinous tension. A catipult of our distinct and magnified hatred. A
creation of our gentle, pure love. Simply. Love.

Give me rain. I’ll wash away your impurities until you’re standing alone in my arms. Forever.

UGH. Another KICK FUCKING ASS night. Market Fair = Teenage lovin.

Seriously. Life is amazing hahaha. How the FUCK did we meet up with all
those people again? It’s destiny…or just….unbelievably sad lives.
It was a reunion of the beautiful friday night.

Wow. Um.

So I guess….um…it was seriously the most ABSURD group of people I
could think of…let’s think…I remember there were 11….me, jackie,
emlyn, amy, kristin, jess, christina, lauren l…and then bob, furlong,
and connor bowman……random, eh? Ya. I thought so too. It turned out
really well though…it was such a big group…that we just sort of
spaced out into a bunch of different people….it was cool though.

Alirght I fucking hate my mom. I guess I won’t be able to
write…again. I’m soooo behind. Ugh. Whatever. Goodnight. I guess. I
don’t know. I’ll write later.

-Maris! Randomly…showing up…..again. WTF?
-BORIS! Randomly…showing up…
-Catherine and Ashley being there again randomly
-Bob’s amazing cake
-Emlyn’s OBSCENE comment
-Furlong’s pictures and cookie and milk
-Hotttt sex books
-Randomly sittingi n the middle of market fair
-Connor’s kick ass piggy back ride
-Sketchyyyyy black man that was like recording our ocnversation
-Killing TGIF
-Mars…just….so hot.
-Hahaha Mars said Melissa was insane
-Mars randomly laughing for like 10 minutes straight.

kiktheflip: if kerr stopped being my friend for no reason i would be like ok watever and just live life like it always had been

This man makes my life worth living.

This picture makes me smile. So much.

I know I look sketchy…but Mark looks so adorable. We look so happy.

mkuor08: i hate you
mkuor08: you took everything that was good and sacred at matren inc and gave it to mark

Mmm. Good day today. Don’t know why…but ’tis a good day. Everything
seems to be heading somewhere towards being on track again. I have to
push myself…and I have to keep picking myself up…but at least I can
find my footing sometimes. It’s been a long rough journey…and I want
to keep trecking through. I’m going to.

Yesterday was really….really. Good. I
mean nothing excellent or out of the ordinary…which I suppose…for
me…is intrinsically….good. These days I really needed
yesterday…to just…relax…feel comfortable with friends…and feel
like I genuinely care about them. It was sweet.

I went to ballet in the morning…which was good since I haven’t been
going much…then I came home and uh…fumbled around for a bit…and
then went to Jackie’s at like 3 or 4…and we listened to Spill Canvas
on the way there…which basically means…goood stuff.

So Jackie’s was basically awesome. Just because…there was no
stress…and not even any insanity…just gentle old friends hanging
out…almost like the old days…except for Emlyn…it was an old group
of friends…me and jackie and amy and kristin and then bob and rob
came…which I was actually vaguely worried about……..the whole rob

Rob was excellent. Things between us are just about as good as they could be. I mean…perfect.
Perfect for the point of my life I’m at right now. He’s so…he’s such
a…he really is quite complex. We both are. But we’re handling
everything right so well. Finally. Finally we’re at complete peace with
each other…obviously…nothing will ever be the same…but we’re
mending slowly…healthily…and steadily. I think it has something do
to with our impending love lives…that have made us both realize that
we’re both over each other and both at new points in our lives…points
that can incorporate each other….again. It’s just such a harmonious
balance right now…no one pushing the other…but slowly melting
back…simply and elegantly…neither one denying anything…but also
not holding any grudges or haunting the other…I think we’re both at
peace with…everything…and silently…we’ve forgiven each other
magnificently…we don’t even need to say anything at this point. There
are painful moments…twinges of time when I go “Oh shit. I’m sitting
next to my ex-boyfriend”…but then the agony eases…and I realize the
effortless flow of time…and where we are now. And I know we have a
future. Now if only I could get Campbell to catch on…



I feel sooo high.

Let me see if I can remember it all…or….any of it rather….wow. Just. wow.

-Hahaha emlyn and melissa and i sneaking into that random store like spies and running around in the dark
-MARIS! Omg. Ughhhh. We met this random kid who looked like Ashton
Kutcher and was really hot…and reallly high….and ugh. I raped him.
I got his number and everything. It was so much fun. I really liked
him…he was like 16 and knew Andrew Philhower…haha good stuff. I
found him water too. What a weirdo.
“No, but I can give you the number of the bum that lives in my bathroom”
-High 8th graders
-Really really funny high kids…..aahaha that kid that didnt know what grade he was in….he was amazing.
-Random canadians playing squash
-Random asians…yesss. Sam…he was intense
-Random groups of sketchy people Melissa knows
-Joseph…and his random posse that we met…he was a hottie..and he randomly whipped out his rolling papers
-Ashley and Catherine
-Felix! Random mexican that gave us his number
-Mexicans that made me dance for bacon! I fucking earned my bacon
-Random man that fucking started MASTURBATING in the middle of the foodcourt. Dead serious. Right next to me…and I’m like wtf are you doing…and he just keeps doing it
-Hahahaha getting money from some random kid and then having emlyn come up and give me money
-Jeremy pretending to be gay and rolling up his shirt
-AHAHA. Date Movie is the worst movie everrrr
-Rob and Cat! On a date! BWAHAHA
-OMG BORIS! UGH. We got in a fight with this random kid BORIS and his
posse and we raced him and ugghhhh we kicked his ass sooo hard

lessthanjackie2: why does this happen to you?
lessthanjackie2: seriously?
lessthanjackie2: when you walk down the street…does every preverted guy end up near you with their pants down to their ankles?

Pretty much…Pretty. Fucking. Much.

Fucking. Amazing. Night.