I concede defeat.

This life has bent me to the point of breaking.

Today was another shipwreck. I don’t see what I’m supposed to do. I
don’t see what I’ve done to deserve this…any of this…I’m trying so
hard to keep my head above water…and everytime I try to take a
breath…water fills my lungs and I find myself being pushed farther
and farther into the icy depths below. Life was never fair. But I just
want to survive.

Does fate want me to drown?

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I just couldn’t. So I sat there
motionless for a while…dreading the soft hum of highschool
hallways…and tried desperately to dissolve into my blankets. Didn’t
work. But now that my mom knows everything…she understood…I mean
there wasn’t exactly anyway for me to go to chemistry…so I just sort
of slept in for a bit. I’m finding honesty is key. We made an
appointment to go to Ms. Donati at 9…hoping that there was some vague
way that she would be able to help me out of this mess.

So I went to Ms. Donati…lucky the door to chem was
closed…and…talked about everything…if it can even be called
talking. I was mostly reprimanded for once again not telling her who it
was. I know. No. I don’t know. I don’t know anything…I have not the
slightest idea what to do in this situation. I feel inclined to say
nothing…but only for his preservation it seems…perhaps a bit of my
own self preservation…but not my own healing. All the adults I talk
to seem to think it’s absolutely the only choice. That I have to. And
they seem to think I’m weak if I don’t. All the kids I talk to seem to
think that I’m making the right choice. That I’m being “strong” for not
telling on him. Strong? Strong for not standing up for myself? I don’t
know anything anymore. I feel like a ragdoll at this point. I have
respect for myself and dignity…but my self image seems to have
plummeted from all the abuse. I’ve lost all sight of myself. Ms. Donati
talked about the academics for all of 3 minutes. And just said “Ya you
should move to regular”…and then went back to berating me about Kerr.
She didn’t even remember the story…what I had told her last
time…which didn’t really make me feel like she cared…at all. I
really just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m so sick of it. I
came to her for help. For her to help me stay in honors chem. Help me.
Not hinder me.

I left feeling even worse…and with no sense of direction at all…I
hate therapists. So then I had some free time…considering I’ve sort
of given up on driver’s ed. I don’t really remember what happened
during that time…Other than Campbell was an ass…Bob was a nice
man…and Rob should be shot.

During activities I had my wicked GSA meeting…in which I absconded
with like half the bagels and got yelled at. Ya. There’s the good old
Lauren. Hahahaha it was so funny because Bowman came just for the
bagels…and then fell asleep during the meeting and we threw bagel at
him. Sweet. I still love GSA. It kicks ass. I got a sweet diversity
livestrong and a sticker. Cause…you know…I’m….diverse. Jon was
there…which definately made my day.

English is just funny at this point. Not stressful anymore…just
dumb…except the new seating arrangement sort of forces me to look at
Campbell. Hmph. Not my fault. Cip is seriously the most obscene teacher
I’ve ever had. Haha yesterday was funny because Bob got all angry about
his exam and was about to tear Cip apart from the inside out. Ya it
made me chuckle. It amazes me how dumb people are though. Oo. Man. Alix
was giving this explanation of something in a poem…and I’m not gonna
lie…it was seriously the most awkward moment of my life. Heh. That

Lunch was awfully strange. Campbell and I got in a strange
arguement…I don’t…understand…him…anymore. He was saying that I
bring all this upon myself and that I’m victimizing myself…and that
he’s merely retaliating from the abuse. Obviously he doesn’t get it. At
least he’s trying. I guess that’s a good step. It was just really
strange…because he was more upset than angry…like he really wanted
to say something to me…but he didn’t exactly know how to put it into
words…eventually he just back tracked into “I hate you.” Whatever.
Next time…bring notecards. Then at lunch things were inbearably
awkward between us…and I really should have just left…and made a
point…but no…I don’t have that strength anymore…to walk
away…No. I just sat there until everyone left and it was just me and
Bob and Camps again. Whatever. Maybe I do bring it upon myself…what
can I do…I want to be around him. Tensions lessened…and we
distantly talked…they randomly played some Billy Joel…and the only
really strange thing…was when Campbell randomly brought up Panic! At
The Disco. Hmph. I think the boy’s stalking me. Oh well. Scurry.
So….then I…..left. Strange. Our relationship is so frayed.

French was…uh. Whatever. Nothing happened.

History was….strange. Again. Campbell was mopey and emo…and I was
almost laughing at him…he deserves to feel that way. I was trying to
draw him…but he wouldn’t stay still…so whatever. I don’t like

I had free last…and I did absolutely nothing…went to the
bookstore…talked with Amy…and wandered in circles. Mmmm good time.

After school was silly. I didn’t really do anything. Steph completely
broke into a crying fit because she couldn’t go in a party bus to
cotillion…and I was just like wow. You’re…pathetic. It was funny
though…because Erica and I didn’t know what was wrong….so we kept
like slyly walking back and forth and hiding…to figure out what was
going on. Bob and Rob were comforting her. Hmph.

Finally I went and talked to Mrs. Keefer. That’s what just ruined my
day. I went to her…and she was flat out mean to me…she said I
needed to switch into regular and I just said “Do I have to?” And she
was like yes you have absolutely no say in this, the choice has been
made…and then she was being really weird…and I told her the
truth…which is what I was supposed to do…I was just like…Well I
understand that Mr. Treichel gave me a second chance, and right when I
got it, something really bad happened to me and I couldn’t concentrate
on my work. Thats all I said. And then went off for 20 minutes about
how I had no choice and how this was the right thing for me and how I
have “shaky foundations” and how I can’t handle all of this and that I
have to mend myself before I can go back to schoolwork. And then she’s
like don’t even think about sitting there and complaining because I
don’t want to hear whiners…you are a child and I am telling you what
to do with your life. You better listen. I was like fuck you. I was
seriously really pissed. And I just wanted to cry. There’s so many
things…I don’t want to write them here…becuase…well…for a
variety of reasons. But I was so mad. She was downright mean to me.
Then she went onto scheduling me…and turns out there’s no way for me
to switch into regular unless she changes around my entire schedule and
moves everything and I have to go into Raiford’s class. I’m sorry. But
I’m not going into Raiford’s
class. Ever. Again. I refuse. And so she’s like…”So I’ll move you
into Raiford’s class, is that alright?” and before I could even open my
mouth she goes “Oh wait, what am I thinking, it’s not like what you say
has any weight, it’s not going to matter what you say anyway, so why
was I even asking you? I’m not giong to listen to it.” I don’t
understand what was wrong with her. I refuse to do this. I’m not going
to continue to be walked all over be everyone in my life. I’m staying
in this class no matter what anyone says. It’s not a matter of
pride…and I don’t care about the people in this class…but I want to
be in that class. It’s so degrading to have to go through all of this.
I’m not failing and he has no
right to kick me out of class with no warning. I’m passing. And even
so…I shouldn’t have to fight for my life in a class the whole
year…that doesn’t make any sense…I placed into this class and I’d
rather fail in it than do well in regular. I don’t know what’s wrong
with me…or why I’m being so irrational…but I’ve had enough of
people telling me what to do with my life and I’ve had enough damage to
my image already. I feel horrible about myself if I got moved out of
honors history and honors chem. This is not what education is about. I
don’t see…why if I want to be in this class…why if I’m begging to
stay in…they have the right to kick me out. They can’t do this to a
student…he didn’t even give me any warning…he didn’t come to me and
try to help me…he just kicks me out the day I get back from midterms.
They say I don’t care…but wouldn’t I be showing less “care” if I
wanted to move out? I’m begging to stay in…shouldn’t that be some
sign of the fact that I want to take this course? I just want to stick
it out. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling like a failure. Whatever.
At this point…I don’t even really want to go back to that class…I
just don’t want to move down to regular…but there is no way you are
moving me into Raiford’s class. Why should this effect my history? This
is not fair. It was the first time I’ve ever really felt like I hated the school.

I sort of stomped out of Mrs. Keefer’s office after she gave me my
“revised” fucked up schedule which I am in no way going to follow…and
called my mom rather upset to talk to her about it. Ugh. My mom at
least felt bad. Then when I hung up it was somehow 4:15…and I was
supposed to go to rehearsal…I just didn’t really feel like it…at
all. Bob happened to be there so we sat and talked about it all for an
hour or so…he really is becoming sucha good friend. He was nice and
helpful about it all…but really had no real advice…Somehow I ended
up telling him all about Rob…and I think he was really too stunned to
have any real thoughts about it. Either way…despite…whatever…Bob
is quite the good shoulder to lean on. I was nearly on the verge of
tears the whole time too. I don’t know how he puts up with it.

By the time Bob left it was like 5:15 and I saw Kerry….which…I
don’t know why she didn’t leave with Bob but whatever…And we randomly
went down to the “game.” Heh. It was funny. We went down and sat alone
on the bleachers and watched the team warm up…and then left right as
the game was starting. Mmm good job. Dinner was fun because I sat with
Marky again. I love that man. Alot. We just…laugh…….alot. He’s
getting to be quite the great friend too. I think the nurse thinks I’m
like stalking him because I go with him to get his meds like everyday.
Heh. Then we sat in the highschool and talked until my mom got there.

My mom told me about how her lawyers read my xanga and how if my dad
finds it then he could get full custody of me…which…didn’t…make
much sense…but…whatever. I was in the car for quite a bit picking
up Emlyn. Then came home and sat around lazily…and I found my
CDs…so I ripped those onto my computer and oh oh…what now?

Songs on iTunes count: 3133. Ohhhhhhh what now bitch.

And I still ahve a huge stack of CDs to rip. Ugh. I’m sooo putting
Panic! At the Disco in the car tomorrow. Ohhh baby. And some Spill
Canvas. I think my mom will be scared.

It’s nearly 1…I know I should go to bed.

So I suppose this is the end of January. This looks like a horrible
beginning to the year. I don’t think I can handle another heartbreaking
year. I know this all supposed to be “strengthening my character”…But
I’ve had enough at this point. I just want to let myself fall and find
myself soaring. I’ve got chains holding me down to this decrepeit
earth. What a year it’s been. February. Maybe February holds hope.
That’s just about the only thought that will keep me alive.

Perhaps the reason the ice is thinning is because we’ve both moved on
with our lives…and that…that fact hurts me more than anything.

And you, my darling…must continue to mold my grazed, brainwashed
vision with the passionate shocks of lightning that shoot from your
blue oasis…each fiery jolt that escapes with a justified blink…that
fragment and border my foggy manifestation. Otherwise I might slip.
Each gaze slices me in two…but without it I might disappear into vast
abyss…it’s the only thing that keeps me whole.

  laugh, leaning back in my arms

for life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

How can you not love poetry?

Tomorrow has hope. With each blink.

I’m not blind yet.

was basically horrible. Again. Another delve into the depression that’s
lurking around the corner. I put on quite the huge grin…and didn’t
let alot of thing bother me…but I was smothering the reality as hard
as I could. I’m just basically a failure. It seems like I can’t get
anything right…anything. I feel talentless, dumb, unwanted…and
tangled up in this web that I myself can only conceptualize…so no one
can help me out.

Campbell. Make a fucking decision already. Honestly. I don’t have the
time for this anymore…I don’t have the energy…the power…or the
passion to just sit in this hole any longer. I won’t be your doll…and
I won’t be a marionette. I’m not yours…and I won’t be until you
commit yourself. To anything. Do you not get it? I’m not going to sit
here and let you berate me anymore. It’s not that I’m letting you abuse
me…and it’s not that you’re not trying…no matter what you say…or
don’t say…it’s your mindset that needs changing…we can never go
back to the way we were. Ever. So let go of that fact. And you can
either go backwards…or forwards. Either let me go and let down your
guard…and we can have a distant friendship…or just remove your
barriers and lose your fear….and do something. What do you want? What do you feel? I don’t think you have any idea. So stop preaching your self righteousness to me.
Because I know exactly what I want…but I’m not going to sit and wait
for you…and I’m not dependant on you…and if you keep pushing me
away…then fine…I’ll just walk away. I know it’s instinct…and I
know you don’t know how to face your feelings…but moreover…I don’t
think you know what your feelings are. And if you do…and you’re still
toying with me…then you are one twisted individual. But if you stop
pushing me away…on so many levels…open yourself to me…to the idea
of us…and to a future without fear or regret…then I’ll be waiting
for you…with open arms. But untill then…I’m done playing this game.
Guess what? You didn’t win.

“I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game…”

Defying Gravity solves everything.

The Does’
Does he like you back;; Er…
Does he love you back;; Er….
Does he think you’re beautiful;; Uhh….no
Does he have pictures of you in his locker;; Um. Well duh.
Does he write notes to you;; Notes? Like…suicide notes…ya.
Does he talk to you on the phone;; He….has…..

The Do’s
Do you love him;; Cha. ………I think.
Do you wanna marry him;; O man.
Do you wanna have kids with him;; Haha I have since like 8th grade.
Do you think you guys will date forever;; Actually…no…..but I’d very much like to think that
Do you think you guys will break up;; Yes. And it will be incredibly awkward between us. But I try not to be too cynical….
Do you ever think about him the way he thinks about you;; What? Ya………….? What?

The Is’
Is he cute;; A dot cute.
Is he hott;; Er….only
sometimes…actually…I only find him hot when he’s being repulsive
and manly and distant. I’m strange. Otherwise he’s just adorable.

Is he amazing;; Er….sometimes.
Is he in love with you;; Er…no.
Is he just a crush;; I guess not.
Is he nice to your friends;; Heh. Nicer than he is to me.

The Are’s
Are you dating;; No. He’s an ass.
Are you in love with him;; Er…….yes
Are you just crushing;; Haven’t we asked this like 8 times?
Are you always thinking of him;; Yes.
Are you always thinking of you being with him;; Er….yes.
Are you really wanting him;; Psh. Duh.

The Has’
Has he met your parents;; Haha ya…and I think they hate him. I love his parents though
Has he hugged you yet;; Cha
Has he kissed you yet;; Er…
Has he held hands with you;; …..Maybe?
Has he cuddled with you;; Er……………
Has he snuggled with you;; Um.

That was quite crap.

So. Today was………good.

Haha. We actually had a whole lot of fun.

I was awoken today by Amy ringing the doorbell…at like 9:30…and
then Melissa came…and we left for the dinky at like 10…the three of
us actually got along really
well. The train ride in was really funny…we talked about
sociopaths…and Campbell is definately one…then we got once we got
to penn station…my mom just left us…and the three of us were free
in NYC. Mwahaha. Such a horrible idea hahah. It seemed that I actually
knew my way around the best…which was comforting…it was cool to be
alone in NYC actually…and I really loved it. It didn’t even seem
weird at all. After about a block though…we realized we had no idea
where the fuck we were. We sort of wandered around for a bit…and
spent 3 and a half hours sort of…aimlessly and pathetically walking
and “shopping”…AKA…looking at old women’s clothing and laughing.
Seriously. We went to the all time crappiest stores known to man…and
just made fun of the horrible and expensive clothes. It was good
stuff….Erm…I don’t really remember anything now…let’s

-Daffy’s! Hahahaha worst store ever. And we got like trapped in there
and we had no idea how to get out…and were like writhing at the
horror of the clothes
-Hmmm…spent a while in H&M…and dressed up like slutty cowgirls….
-CAO! Er…I think that’s how you spell it…Something against
obesity…we made it up since we were having to walk up so many stairs
-Melissa singing Vindicated over and over again and us having to slap her
-Making fun of Melissa’s songs…hahahah.
-Melissa’s obscene need to pee…and the dumb store that wouldn’t let
us use their bathroom…so melissa was like sitting on the floor in pain
-AAAH. My amazing quest to buy something in 5 minutes…which turned
into sprinting through the mall pushing people over…in search of
something…and then chucking a hat on the floor and sprinting back
outside…only to completely make it in time…wooot. LESS than five
was absolutely amazing. My mom’s like ya I’ll come pick you up…look
for me I’ll be in a white stretch limo…and im like wtf. it was the
most random thing ever…but she was there on business…so Giselle got
a limo. Ugh. It was sooo much fun. Because we totally did the amazingly
cliche like…climbing out the top…and riding around in a limo in
NYC…it was lightly raining too…it was so much fun. So cute. It was exhilerating.
-Melissa randomly deciding to go and look at the communist china display…which was actually really disturbing. Hmph.
-Me randomly buying a mafia keychain…cuz I was determined to buy something…woot.

Hmmm…we took the train back…with krispy kremes and auntie
anne’s…and then came back to my house and totally watched Babylon
5…it was amazing…I think amy and missy were a tad scared.
Hmmm……then I don’t really remember the rest of the night…I
actually started like randomly cleaning stuff…it was so strange.
And…talked to people…yup. That was my lovely day.

Eeeek! Here are some amazing pictures of the limo ride…ugh ugggh:

O dear. That’s intense.

Wooo. There’s some cool cats right there.

I love Melissa’s face…what a hottie…and why am I smiling in all these pictures? Hmph.

Aw. How cute. That was beasty.

Hmmm…you can’t really see any of them…that’s ok…I’ll put them on webshots eventually. Woot.

I was planning on writing quite a bit this weekend…thinking quite a
bit…and ultimately dealing with “everything.” Turns out I never quite
found the time…and I’ve realized that coming to terms with all of
this may not happen over night…but now that I have embarked on the
journey…the path seems to be thinning. Coping with all of this was
never easy…but the burden seems to be lessening from my shoulders…I
suppose I just never really knew where to start. I need to start over
now. It’s the only way…and a new semester promises new beginnings.
New possibilities. And the healing of old scars. I can’t forget the
past…and I won’t move on…but I’ll begin to move forward. I know
that somewhere in me…I have the motivation to succeed in school…I
just need to apply myself…and hopefully I can begin to piece together
that train wreck. My relationships will mend themselves once I learn to
mend myself…my character…my spirit…my faith…and regain my
footing. I’ve learned…at this point…there’s no turning back. Things
will never be the same…but at this point…I can only embrace that
fact. I’m not the same…and neither is anything else in my life…but
everything is transitory. Nothing will ever be the same…I can never
go back to the way things were…and I can only face that fact
alone…but with hope. The past will never falter. The more I turn my
back on the reality of my family…the more it hurts me…but the ride
is almost over…and soon I may accept this fate. I can only go up from
here. If I were to keep my head to the ground…I would only end up
falling flat on my face……again. And I’m bruised enough as it is. I
need redemption. I need hope. I need rebirth.

Here we go again. I face tomorrow with open eyes and tearless goodbyes. Rebirth.

I leave with a lovely Bab 5 quote….

“To live on as we have is to leave behind joy, and love, and companionship,
because we know it to be transitory, of the moment. We know it will turn
to ash. Only those, whose lives are brief can imagine that love …
is eternal. … You should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the
greatest gift your race has ever received.”

Jeez….when did I become such a social……ass? This was my one
weekend with absolutely nothing to do…and I spent the entire thing
stressing over…I don’t know…”social outings.” Too many friends. I
don’t even know why I’m trying to balance them all….last night I
literally had like 18 different plans with different friends…and I
had to weasel my way out of each one…which just ends up pissing them
off…and ultimately…I didn’t even end up doing anything…I blew off
everyone…and attempted to appease 4 different people in one
night…by going to Christina’s for like two hours…coming
home…talking to Jackie and Mat for like an hour…and then spending
the rest of the night with Emlyn. I felt bad…because none of them got
proper attention…I really should just stick with one person at a
time. I don’t even know what I’m saying…But I feel like my entire
purpose has been solely rested on my friends and “social life”….which
is not what I want at all. I wish I could just sit at home and not feel
guilty. I mean that’s what I want to do…I like being alone…I’m not
completely dependant on other people…but lately I’m just trying too
balance too many people. And I really only want to spend time with
one…with….him………My mind is all over the place. Why can’t I just spend time
with the people that I care about? And that care about me? Hmph. I’m
getting far too ensconsed in high school. And it’s not even making me
happy…so why am I trying?

Today was….nice….? Ballet in the morning…another huge fight with
my mom…Carol’s class was nice…the sketchy old man came up to me and
was like “You’re so tall now! I reconize the face but the body is
amazing”…and I’m like…wtf…I’ve never talked to you in my
life…but it’s ok….cuz that man is my hero. Then Emlyn and I went to
lunch at the cafe…ohh baby…and…then shopping at
McCaffreys…then….er….came home. I was attacked by like 50
people…and ended up just going on a rather long bike ride…it was
cool….Cute and emo…I sat on a bench in Marquand Park for like an
hour and thought…and then swung on the swings for an hour and
thought…it was massively artsy and zen…I loved it. Thinking is
always good…I came to quite a few spiritual conclusions…but I
really don’t remember them now…Then I came home
and….er…………Ok I really have no idea what I did. Melted into
my couch…became ensconsed in food. Melissa’s party sorta failed…and
then so did Sam’s….again tonight I had like 54 plans…and I just
abandoned them all…er…UGH! We watched the Strange Days at Blake
Holsey High finale…which is seriously the greatest show ever. Ever.
Ever. I want Josie…and uhh…just sorta ate stuff…then Sudobened
for a while…had an AMAZING talk with Mark…and……….threw things
at the screen when Dane Cook hosted snl. So ya.

It looks like tomorrow I’m gonna go into NYC with Amy and
Melissa…which on the one hand is really exciting…since I’ve never
really gone to NYC alone and stuff…but I don’t know…after making
plans…bleh. I guess I just don’t really feel like it…who knows.
Could be fun…if I didn’t go I’d probably end up staring at the
computer for hours…going to Godspell rehearsal…stalking
Campbell…and essentially feeling craptastic. Tomorrow could be
fun…we’ll see. I sort of just want to be with my baby………bleh.
Gonna have to blow some more people off tomorrow….ugh.

Oh right….what else happened this weekend…..I went to Amy’s house
on….thursday night…and we watched the Exorcism of Emily
Rose…scariest movie ever. Haha. Well it was actually a pretty good
movie…I really respected alot of their choices…and I liked the fact
that it was more about belief that “demons”….so ya it was cool….but
was like obscenely scary…it was me and melissa and amy and sam and
jeremy…and i was like holding onto Jmo for dear life. The poor baby
had to bike home in the dark after the movie. Not cool. Jmo and I had
some pretty ghetto ping ponging though. Then me and melissa and sam
slept over…it was actually really cute and fun…we watched some
ghetto ass Strange Days at Blake Holsey High (duh)…and random crap tv
till like 3…and then ran around and talked until like 4 or
whatever…it was actually quite cute…cuz the four of us all slept in
one bed…and I was like right in the middle…and things with Amy were
so tattered and frayed…but as we were falling asleep…she put on
straylight run on…and in the dark…lying next to each
other…Melissa rested her head on my left shoulder…and Amy rested
her head on my right shoulder…my pain on my one side…and my past on
the other…and they forged some beautiful harmonious bond. And I let
the music and memories wash over me…nearly on the verge of
tears…and I just knew somehow…that everything was going to be
okay…in some chasm of time…that everything was gone…everything
has changed…but everything will be okay. It was quite peaceful. Then
I fell into a beautiful sleep…

In the morning melissa sang obscene songs…and the two of us made the
absolute SCARIEST pancake ever. It was just one huge pancake…with
like wheat it in. Run in fear. Mmmmm…eventually I went home…went to
lunch with Emlyn at Ichiban…and…uhhh…I don’t remember the rest of
the night….did I already write about that? Probably. This weekend has
been so strange. Not very satisfying…I could never completely deject
myself from society so that I could relax and rejuvenate…and at the
same time I couldn’t really party at all either…whatever. All I know
is after this weekend…it’s going to be an insane month of obscene
partying. Hmph. I should really rest. I should really not go tomorrow.
That would be better.

Waaaa. Thinking about it now…I don’t really want to go tomorrow. Ugh. I suck.

Midterms seem so long ago now…but this weekend feels like such an
abyss. I guess it’s hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I’m
halfway through Sophmore year…but I suppose it’s comforting…what a
horrible year it’s been…but the time seems to have just slipped
through my fingers with no line to divide where it began and where it
ends. The past and present tense meld in my mind. I suppose I’m ready
to begin again. But I never stopped. I’ve never even taken a breath
this year. I need so badly to breathe. To relinquish sweet air. But no.
I just feel suffocated and rushed. Time smites me. I don’t even know
the remedy…

Hmph. I need resolution. And I need revelation. I need a new start.

Let’s see…….the past few days have been interesting….I went to
sleep at like……8 on wednesday…which is like obscene for me…and
ended up getting something like 18 hours of sleep. I told you I had a
midterm hangover. So ya. Thursday was officially my lazy worthless
day…of sleeping all day…watching TV…and staring at the computer
screen…sweet. Then the night got sort of icky…erm…ya.

My mom and I got into one of those horrible-rip-your-hair-out-I-want-to-beat-you-over-the-head

fights…er…ya. It was bad. I finally used my wild card to save my
life…it was probably the best time to whip out the flat out best
excuse I’ve ever had…”I was raped.” Ya. The truth came
out…finally…but only because I genuinely thought she was about to
kill me. Or rather…I was about to kill her…I was screaming my lungs
out…and I actually slapped her…she pulled over the side of the road
and I was just completely trapped…so I finally let the truth out. It
obviously got me out of trouble…but then raised more trouble. It was
about as hard as I expected to bring myself to say it outloud to
her…and sort of shameful and embarassing…It was naturally painful
to relive it again…and resurfaced alot of things that I’ve realized I
haven’t yet begun to deal with…I vaguely sugar coated the story by
immediately aggrandizing the following Campbell event in my mind…and
to everyone else…so as not to face the actual reality of the true
central story. How does one begin to even deal with something like
that? I always cheat. Campbell really is nothing compared to the
physcological dammage that must have been placed on me through all this
abuse…Somehow the name got out
too…and now she’s like forcing me to tell the school…she wants him
to get kicked out…which is precisely why I didn’t want to tell
her…But it’s strange…why do I want to protect him? Why am I protecting those that hurt me? And
moreover…why do I let all these guys keep abusing me…

Yes. I can agree with the fact that I’m obviously a little
sadistic…but I think beyond that…there must be something
more…I’ve never had a particularly strong or respectful male role
model in my life…and perhaps I somehow associated the way my father
acts with something typical…my parents relationship was so tattered
and abusive…even since I was a child…and has obviously erupted in
the past year…maybe that’s all I can reconcile in my mind as being
true…tainted and impure…painful…love…perhaps that’s why I so
desperately cling to ideals of a romantic and perfect love. To
harmonize. And yet…I always find myself leeching onto those that only
hurt me…and cutting away at myself…but never letting go. My mind
has been infected and deranged
into submitting myself to this male dominated lifestyle…which is so
absurd…because I’m just about the biggest feminist in the world…at
least…in my mind. Something’s backfired…nothing about me has ever
or will ever be consistent…but it’s alright…because I despise the
idea of one irrevocable entity. That only feeds hypocrisy. I prefer a
complex and transmutable lifeform. Therefore…contradictions don’t
exist…and I am neither…merely me. I exist in my full form…and
everything corresponds to one another. Either way…it doesn’t help me
unravel the complex idea that seems to have been burned into my mind in
which men can walk all over me with no retribution. Why do I feed on
the pain that Campbell throws my way? Maybe it’s a form of self
infliction…but I respect myself. Maybe it’s all too subconscious for
me…Maybe I need help.

So ya. My mom was obviously shocked and appaulled…I can’t say that
I’m really glad that I told her…but at least she’ll finally leave me
alone for a while…I knew she knew something was going on…and at
least she knows the truth now. Oh well. Everything had to come out
sooner or later. I just wish she didn’t know who it was…or even what
happened…I feel like she’s looking at me differently now…well
obviously she is…but I hate it. I hate the scrutinizing looks
everyone gives me now…as if they know something I don’t…piss off.
But I’m sure she’ll push me to get him kicked out…And that’s really
the last thing I want…I…I don’t even know why…maybe…well.
There’s alot of guilt on my part permeating through in this
situation…maybe somewhere deep and dark inside of
me….something…feels like maybe it was partially my
fault……….but then I blink and that feeling goes away. But I don’t
think I would be able to live with myself if…..if……I just wish it
would go away.

At least now it’s all in the open. I can tell you though…there was alot of tears in that car.

I feel bad though…I said some pretty mean things…like she was a
horrible mother and I hated her and that I wanted to live with dad
rather than her…the truth is…beyond everything…I know that she
really does love me…even if she’s the only parent that does…I can’t
abandon her…no matter what…at least for her sake. She’s too

I hate reliving it. It’s haunting enough….even when I try to push it
out of my mind…when I attempt to salvage the memory…it just burns.

Reality blows.

Anyway…I have…ballet soon….maybe tonight I’ll go out and rape
some kids. I’ll have to write about last night later…I’m tired of
staring at the monitor.

And there are some things I’ll never understand

Why the country
needs a God

And a woman needs a man

-Jack’s Mannequin-

Wow. I’m crying so much right now. I don’t even know what to say…or
think. Or feel. It seems I never do…Amy called me crying…and I was
confused…but she confronted me about xanga…eventually I started
crying too…because everything she was saying made the reality of the
situation so real…but that was one of the hardest phone calls of my
life…just because I had no idea what to say…or how to speak. She
seemed so selfless…helpless and vulnerable…I had no idea what to
do. All I can say is….I’m
sorry. I’m sorry that so much has come between us…and I’m sorry that
our friendship always seems to be so rocky. I’m sorry about what life
has thrown at us over and over again…and I’m sorry that we’ve had so
much trouble over coming it. I’m sorry that we’re both so judgemental
and that at this point…I really have no idea what to do to mend this.
But on the phone…she just seemed so genuine and helpless…and I felt
immediately so guilty for everything…for ever doubting her…for ever
being paranoid. For ever once not clinging to that bond with all I
have. I don’t even know what I’m sorry for…but I can’t even collect
my thoughts…or stop these tears from falling….everything used to be
so easy…and when I realize how strong our friendship really is…and
how far we’ve really come…and how far we’ve truly fallen…is when my
heart truly breaks. I genuinely feel heartbroken. I can’t take back
what I said…and I won’t…because I’m not going to be a coward…but
right now I just wish I could do anything in the world to fix this. I
wish I could think of some soothing words to tell her…but I can’t. I
can’t even think why I am or was ever mad at her…I hate that my life
has taken me here. I wish she was that honest all the time…maybe then
I could…I don’t know…I don’t know anything…I regret so much at
this point. And I miss even more…a time when what we had was easy and
true and strong. Now I just feel like we’re salvaging what’s left…and
I don’t even know where we went astray. Placing the blame is no longer
important…and while people keep reminding me that she was not the
greatest friend to me…it doesn’t lift the burden I feel…and despite
whoever’s fault it was or is…I’m mainly just heartbroken that we ever
got to this point to begin with…that our friendship fell apart so
easily and that…well…where am I? I don’t know about honesty or
trust at this point…I don’t care…I just want it back the way it
was. I feel so awful for hurting her
feelings…and I feel so awful that I have no where to go from this
point…I know deeply and truly that I wish I could fix our
friendship…but I just don’t know what to say…other than I am so
genuinely sorry….I never thought people could ever get between
us…but I feel like Emlyn and Melissa have…jealousy was never a good
thing. And horrible for us. I just wish…I just wish I could tell her
how much she really means to me…how strong our bond will always
be…despite what I say…despite what I do…and despite our
fear…I’m closer to her than anyone at hun…and I don’t know why we
could never admit it….I will always love her. With a love different
from anyone else. My little Amy. She’s changed my world…my life…my
eyes…and everything I see…I owe to her. I know this isn’t the end
of us…it never will be…but I can’t rid this unmistakable feeling of
horror and shame from my body. I fear so much that this would break us
in two…but I doubt it will. We can make it through anything. I never
meant to hurt her…and I feel
catastrphically horrible about ever doing it…ever writing things or
even feeling things…I don’t know what I was thinking…or why. She
doesn’t have to defend herself. I understand. Being best friends with
me must be so difficult…I’ve got so much baggage…and I respect her
greatly for it…and she is…truly…my best friend…I just don’t
know how to express it. We never do..we always push each other
away…not a fear of intimacy…but the idea of giving oneself wholly
to the other is so tainted in our minds…and so many variables…so
much rejection. We’ve been terribly afraid. I wish the boundaries would
just disappear. I know
now…that she’s
right about Campbell…and I see now…that she really just
cared…I’ve just been so scarred and beaten and hurt and victimized
this year…I couldn’t trust anyone. Maybe it’s better this way…out
in the open…so that we can face the real issues…and not just cheat
over the boundaries and walls we’ve built to keep each other out. I
can’t stop crying…and I can’t stop feeling horrible…we’ve both dug
such a big hole…I wish none of this had happened…and I wish we
could start over. Above all else….

I’m sorry.

My life never ends does it? Never.

This too, shall pass.


Another amazing day.

Er…Final exam…math…would have actually been really easy if I had
studied at all…or known anything…just alot of formulas to memorize
and things…and I completely lost my math binder. Oh well. I made it

So I was out by 10…uggggh. Uhh…I went to lunch with Jackie and
Byrnes and Steph and…christina and lauren? i dont really remember
now…and we had a nice longg lunch..and then went back…and watched
The Sweetest Thing in some random room. Errr…it was fun. I guess
somehow that took up 2 hours…I think there was alot of wandering and

By that time…all the other exams had gotten out…I assumed I
wouldn’t see Campbell for like…all weekend…because I missed
him…and then suddenly…he was there. He’s always there. He actually
looked really upset though…on the verge of tears…I wanted to hug
him again. Somehow I got him to walk into princeton with us
*squee*…And suddenly there was like this huge mob of people
going…we accumulated people as we walked…it was rather amusing

The walk in was quite cute. There was this huge mass of sketchy
highschoolers…all cute friends…walking on the side of the
road…being obscene. Like hmm lemmie see…me, christina, lauren,
jess, erica, amy, byrnes, miles, bob, campbell, rob (wtf), bowman…I
don’t remember them all…I walked alot with Connor…but I basically
talked to everyone except…..Amy…er. She was being sooo strange.
Obnoxious and kept being like “Ya she’s so annoying” and I was like
ugh. Whatever. She’s…Amy.

Once we got there we went to Panera and like the clingy amy group of
like jess and erica and amy and lauren just completely
disappeared…which was strange…but they were being a little odd and
cliquey…so I was like whatever. Haha it’s amazing. We walked in with
12 people and walked back with 5…it was obscene. Halfway through
lunch miles and byrnes had to walk back for wrestling practice….then
all the sudden connor went out to go smoke a cigarette and
then…er…….never came back. Haha what an amazing kid.

Uhhh…then that group sort of disappeared again…and it was just me
and bob and campbell and rob and
christina….strange…..and…we….wandered for like an hour? I don’t
really know…I remember we went to the record exchange…and uhh got
nothing…went to foot locker…and campbell got a cute
sweatshirt…which amy then proceeded to call gay later…and
er…mostly went men’s clothes shopping…which was…nice? Went to
starbucks…went to morning glory too…got some kick ass pictures of
rob climbing up walls in back alleys…ohhhh ya.

Actually……it was quite a breakthrough. Quite beautiful.
Because…Rob and I were totally……getting………….along. It was
by far the most we’ve interacted in 4 months. Which is sad…but
hopeful. It’s not a matter of forgiveness….I think we’ve both
forgiven each other…but there was just too much to mend. Maybe we can
just start over now. The truth is…despite everything…I really miss him. Obviously
parts of him annoy the hell out of me…but it really has taken a huge
toll on me…him disappearing from my life…It was comforting
though….his behavior today…This winter can’t last much longer…I
really want him back.

I guess then we walked back…and it was cute…at this point…I don’t
really remember what happened…other than the fact that camps was
undeniably cute. There were some moments where he does these little
things…and I’m just like. Ugh. I want you. Now. Then we went to my
house for a little bit…which was rather random…sat around…ate
food…and played Guitar Hero! woooot. Teehee. Erm….ya…Rob was
being really nice………….strange…boy. Then my mom called and was
pissed cuz she’s a hoe…and everyone left. Wooot. Cute.

So now I’m grounded…cuz I suck….but only for tonight…it’s ok…I
need lots of time to sleep. I have a massive midterm hangover. Maybe
I’ll write some…or Sudoben some…

…Walking beside him is like being caught naked in a rainstorm…and everything around me is so clear and beautiful….


Things with Amy look headed for a rocky crash…but I really don’t know
if I can handle that right now…so maybe I’ll just pray for a sudden
veer off course.

Yeah. I still love you. Not a knight. Or a prince. Or a savior. But
you. Just little old you…immature…deformed…misled…with no
honesty…no defining characteristics…a devotion to no one other than
himself…a tattered and deranged mind…and a huge,
gaping…vulnerable and beautiful heart that I want so badly to take
from you.

Horrible exam. Great day.

I love him.

You scored as Histronic.
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention
seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often
interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use
grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant
praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order
to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and
relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often





















Personality Disorder Quiz
created with QuizFarm.com

Well that’s…lovely….To…know…

You scored as Punk. Okay!





Emo Kid
















What Highschool Clique Do You Belong To?
created with QuizFarm.com


Punk? Hahahaha wtf? Er….according to campbell I’m a hippie…that was an obscene quiz.

Well duh. Of course I should be studying for my OBSCENE chem exam I
will FAIL tomorrow. But no. Crap and worthless surveys are much better.

[ [ [ The Shower Survey ] ] ]

1] Do you sing in the shower? Well duh. But not as much as you’d think…My bathroom echoes.
2] How about dance? AH!
I used to…until I kept slipping and falling and dying…now I don’t.
But I used to have a totally wicked shower radio…I think that’s what
spurned the pole dancing thing….Ugh. Gooood memories.

3] Did you lie on those past two questions? Uhhh…no?
4] What takes you the longest in the shower? Being…..in…the shower.
5] Do you shave in the shower? Teehee. Yup.
6] If so, what color is your razor? Uhhh…blue. These are obscene questions.
7] Do you have a shower bug (shower radio)? Dude. We’ve been over this. It broke.
8] What kind of shaving cream do you use? Crapman stuff.
9] What about shampoo? Oooh! That beasty red crap
10] Conditioner? Oooo that Aussie stuff.
11] How often do you shower? Everyday….(AHAAHAAAA once a week AHAAHA that man is amazing)
12] You lied there too, didn’t you? Uhhh….no?
13] Oh come on, you know you did! Well duh.
14] Have you ever had lice? Nope.
15] Did you know lice like clean heads? Erm….ya
16] Now how often do you shower? You’re an ass.
17] Can I believe you now? Bitch.
18] Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower? Don’t….recall….
19] How long are you in the shower normally? A………some…minutes?
20] Whats the order of things you do in the shower? You don’t want to know. My mind is tainted from Rob.
21] Are you normally awake when you are in the shower? No. I typically sleep through my showers….
22] How many towels do you use? 5. Sometimes 6 if I’m feeling lucky.
23] Do you use a clean towel every time? No. I like rodent infested ones.
24] Are you sure? Positive.
25] Do you feel disturbed right now? I feel wet.
26] Good. Please go away.
27] Do you always shower alone? Never. I cannot recall the last time I was alone in the shower….
28] Did you loose your virginity in the shower? Well of course.
29] Have you ever showered at school? Er…..
30] When was the last time you showered? Like. 2 minutes ago.
31] Do you even take showers? Haha. No.
32] Whats better– showers or baths? Baths…all like….2 a year.
33] Are you getting sick of me? Of course not. Bitch.
34] How many times have you lied in this survey? 92.
35] Are you going to go take a shower now? Duh.

That was obscene.

A girly survey: 

When did you first have your period? Um…ew. Awkward…….Ok actually I was pretty young…like 6th grade or something…
Did you freak out when the above happened? AH!
Amazing story…when I got it…there was a man in the bathroom fixing
the plumbing…and I was like…uh. leave. and he didnt understand
why…and i was like flipping out and he didnt understand…he just
kept banging on the pipes. awkward.

First boyfriend/girlfriend (yes I did just say girlfriend)? Er. Technically…Kindergarden…everyone knows the story about my whoring bus rides…it’s legend.
First kiss? Ask Mat.
Current best guy friend? Erm. Jmo biotch. He is my soulmate.
What make-ups do you use? Good….ones
Who’s your current crush/boyfriend/girlfriend? Backman.
Favorite nailpolish color? Er. Duno. I actually liked having black. Hmph.
Most sexual experience? Er……………*blinks*
Who would you tell about your sexual experiences? My er….Mat? Erm. My…friends.
Make up on now? Ugh.
Your current cell phone and the ringtone you’re using: My sexy cell phone…it’s back! Wooot. No day but today is the ring. Duh.
Ever acted like a tomboy? I love men.
Hottest actor? Daniel Radcliffe. Hands down. *Orgasms*
Most awesome spot to hang out with the girls? Spot? Er. Emlyn’s bed.
Sexiest Man in Your life? You…don’t…want…to know….
What did you think of this survey? It was crap.

:: random stuff ::

bold anything that applies to you-
i have a summer birthday
my favorite website is myspace.com (ew. xangstas represent)
i go online 24/7 (it’s actually quite sad.)

i have more then one best friend (and some people cant handle that. *cough*)
i am in high school
i wear contacts, but i have glasses (worst. vision. ever.)
my favorite sport in soccer
i have been dumped before (pshaw)
i love to read
i have a summer job
i am a friendly person
i have moved more then once (like 6 times)

i live in the united states
my favorite color is pink
i am a cheerleader (ew)
i take acting lessons (not lessons…but…i….theatre)
i have an agent (secret agent)
i am wearing jeans right now
my bed time is 10:30 or later (or rather…never)
i love watched tv, i do it all the time (hm?)
i wish i was a princess
i watched high school musical on disney channel
my last name is early in the alphabet
i have known one of my friends since i was a toddler (my darling emlyn!)
i get a lot of homework each night (never. do. it.)
i am a responsible person (ha!)
i got a C in once class this year
my birthday is coming up soon
i go to sleepaway camp in the summer (pshaw)
i love chocolate more then vanilla
i prefer thongs to briefs
i wear designer clothes *runs away from creepy designer girls*
i love juicy couture (ew)
i can’t live without my cell phone(…can…and have.)
MTV is my favorite channel
i love twirling my hair (AH! THIS ONE IS AMAZING. i dont love it. but it’s an obscene habit)
my favorite season is winter

i love going to the zoo (ugh! with emlyn in the elephant ugggh)
i have an older sister
i hate soda
i am reading a really bad book right now

Ok. Mat wants to know about “Campsy”…so here goes. Let’s see. Came in
today…ignoring me…whatever…being a bitch. Said all of two words
after the english exam and then disappeared….Randomly came back after
like an hour or whatever (We had 3 hours between exams) and sat in the
hall with me…listened to music…looked emo and cute…and “studied.”
I on the other hand, was overcome with stress, nerves and
obscenity…and was therefore inspired to prance around the hallway
making a complete fool of myself. Someone gave me Rent. Bad idea. I
hadn’t listened to it in like 3 months…so when I started listening to
it I went into complete freakoid drama diva…it was…….amusing?
Slash pathetic and scurry. Sometimes I really just can’t contain
myself. So…there’s a hall full of people studying…and I’m so
overcome with intensity…that I just get up and start dancing wildly.
Ya. That’s Lauren for ya. Emlyn would have been proud. Once I got to
Take Me or Leave Me…I was just like stomping down the hall in dance
fever. I guess it helped my nerves. I don’t know. I sort of regretted
later though, after I had calmed down…because I think I scared
Campbell a bit. Oh well. If he wants me…he’s got to have all of me.

Oo! Oooh! Best part of that obscene 2 hours spent sitting in the
middle of the hallway…was definately the point once a few of the
girls had left and it was like 5 or 6 people there…including me and
Campbell…and everyone had finally calmed down and it was quiet…and
I randomly had my phone…and I remembered you could play music…and
so I put on Wonderwall….UGH. I didn’t even realize how beasty it was
for the situation. Oh boy. So then it’s just like this silence…except
for Wonderwall playing…and it’s just like…

By now you should’ve somehow

Realized what you gotta do

I don’t believe that anybody

Feels the way I do about you now

There are many things that I would

Like to say to you

I don’t know how

Because maybe

You’re gonna be the one who saves me

And after all

You’re my wonderwall

And it was just like UGHGGGHHLISCIOUS tension man. I couldn’t have said it better myself. UGH.

So ya. Erm. Then after my obscene dancing and being
strange…Campbell moved…and I was sad…and then after a while he
left…and my heart was just melting as he walked away. It was rather

I was sad all throughout my french exam because I never got to see
him again…I know I’m really pathetic. But that boy just confuses me
so much…mangles my heart and wields so much damn power. And just
laughs in my face when I’m drowning. I hate him for it. Because I can’t
stop loving him.

And he knows it all too. He knows everything. Then again…I do the
same to him. Oh. What a viscious cycle to two of us have gotten
ourselves into. Viscious. Malicious.

I never saw him again after the french exam. He got out alot earlier
than me I guess. At that point I was just really fed up with him again.
Why can’t he just commit to being one entity?

I was planning on going home…but Bob convinced me to stay and go to dinner. Hmph.

Even at dinner he was still being a bitch…sat the whole time with
his back to me…and Bob and I sat at our own table…until Mark
joined. Oh boy do I love my Marky. I’ve decided he’s just about the
coolest person ever. I don’t know what it is…but our relationship is
just amazing…we laugh about the dumbest things and
then…dont….stop…laughing. Ever. Anyway…so randomly in the
middle of a conversation…Campbell just whips around and responds to
something I’d said…it was like wtf is wrong with you stalker.

So somehow…we all ended up having the most amazing
conversation…Me mark furlong campbell and bob…were all talking
about what having co-ed rooming would be like. It was intense. And
finally Campbell was being nice. Ugh. Why do I put up with it? I’ve
decided that Mark would definately be the best roomie. I don’t know how
or when it happened…but I really love that border group of
guys…er…minus….Kerr….but they’re just like brothers to
me…er…rather…like…sex fuck brothers…but. You know…it’s all
the same…Either way…I love them. Especially…that one………

Then he was being all cute and making me go to this weird history
review…but I actually didn’t feel like going…and my mom was already
coming…so I just went home…but he was being uber cute at that
time…walking with me and making me wait while he
peed….hahahaha…ok maybe that’s not cute…but he’s just an adorable
boy. He’s probably the only boy that can genuinely make me just want to
cuddle him like a little teddy bear and hold him…the wittle boy…and
at the same time…be this manly sexpot that I just want to jump and
rape. The whole skitsiphrinia thing has it’s upsides…I actually sort
of painfully like when he’s an ass…of course I love when he’s cute
more…but they balance each other out…and are so vastly
different…heh…it spices things up.

I’m sooo sadistic aren’t I? Ya. I really am. So sadistic.

Er…I guess…that’s about…it…for today. Hmm.

I really just want exams to be over…er…correction…exams are
fun. Er. I don’t know what I’m saying…Midterm week is actually sorta
fun. Lots of free time with lots of sketchy high schoolers all packed
into one hallway reeking havoc on the poor hun school and causing quite
the ruckus is really quite funny…but other than that…taking the
exams and studying for them sorta blows. Can’t wait for Wednesday…I’m
going to flee from the school and sprint to Brokeback Mountain.

Hm. English was like obscenely easy. Which was good. Then I wasted
an hour…Christina and I explaining every detail of middle school to
Erica…which was funny beucase all the people we were talking about
kept popping up random places. Good stuff. Then…there was the lovely
2 hours in the testosterone infested hallway…and the french exam.
Which sorta raped me…just because it was so long…I mean it was
actually fairly easy…or at least understandable…but there was just
so much crap…I sort of bullshitted it. OMG! I forgot to say! UGGGH.
Ok. so we had to write two essays…and one of them was basically
just…make up a fairytale. I had to write like 3 pages but I had all
of like 5 minutes to write it…so it was like 4 sentances. Ok. This
was my story:

It was like…There was a girl named Emlyn, who was very sad because
she had 4 eyes and 1 arm. No one liked her and no one wanted her. No
one would marry her. She cried all day and all night. Then one day a
farmboy showed up and was intrigued by her. Emlyn was so happy that her
extra two eyes fell off. Suddenly she was beautiful. The man liked her
and eventually asked her to marry him. She was so happy that her other
arm grew back. And then there was like 5 sentances going on and on
about how in love they were and how they planned their wedding and how
she was beautiful now and happy and crap. And then it’s like…The
couple got married in a pretty church and was dancing their wedding
dance when all of the sudden…there was a sudden flood and the man
died. Now Emlyn is back to crying all day and all night.

IT WAS THE GREATEST STORY EVER. Shaffer is going to be like wtf??? I was jacked up on opium. I’m blaming opium.

Ugggh and then there were all these vocab words and we had to write
a sentance for them…and seriously…the words included….to wound,
to hit, to beat, to kill, to swear, and coward. Wtf. At the time I was
really pissed off and annoyed…so my sentances were:

Campbell swore to be nice.

Campbell is a coward.
She will wound Campbell.
She will hit Campbell.
She will beat Campbell.
She killed Campbell.

It was so amazing. Shaffer’s gonna be really scared of me…and like who the fuck is this campbell?

mkuor08: aha!
mkuor08: Campsy needs a Mat
mkuor08: because he hasn’t figured out his feelings
mkuor08: duh!

Darling. Everyone needs a Mat.

Like Test Tube Jackie!!! Ugggh.

Oh shibby. Long entry = No studying. Bitch. Ok. Well….I’m gonna fail Chem…so ya…might as well fail horribly. Ugh.

On to studying………er….Banging my head with the chem textbook and trying not kill myself.

Oh boy do I despise my mother. Wow. Just die in a corner. She makes me so angry.

I could melt forever…drowning in his eyes…

Rent is my hero. Read this and tell me if it’s not word for word Campbell and I at this
moment…Campbell as Roger…afraid to jump…afraid to confess his
feelings…and constantly pushing me away…and me..Mimi…just
thrusting myself at him despite everything…it’s insane.


Who Do You Think You Are?

Barging In On Me And My Guitar

Little Girl – Hey

The Door Is That Way

You Better Go You Know

The Fire’s Out Anyway

Take Your Powder – Take Your Candle

Your Sweet Whisper

I Just Can’t Handle

Well Take Your Hair In The Moonlight

Your Brown Eyes – Goodbye, Goodnight

I Should Tell You I Should Tell You

I Should Tell You I Should —

Another Time – Another Place

Out Temperature Would Climb

There’d Be A Long Embrace

We’d Do Another Dance

It’d Be Another Play

Looking For Romance

Come Back Another Day

Another Day


The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn

The Pain Will Ease
If I Can Learn

There Is No Future

There Is No Past

I Live This Moment

As My Last

There’s Only Us

There’s Only This

Forget Regret

Or Life Is Yours To Miss

No Other Road

No Other Way

No Day But Today


Excuse Me If I’m Off Track

But If You’re So Wise

Then Tell Me – Why Do You Need


Take Your Needle

Take Your Fancy Prayer

And Don’t Forget

Get The Moonlight Out Of Your Hair

Long Ago – You Might’ve Lit Up My Heart

But The Fire’s Dead – Ain’t Never Ever

Gonna Start

Another Time – Another Place

The Words Would Only Rhyme

We’d Be In Outer Space

It’d be Another Song

We’d Sing Another Way

You Wanna Prove Me Wrong?

Come Back Another Day

Another Day


There’s Only Yes

Only Tonight

We Must Let Go

To Know What’s Right

No Other Course

No Other Way

No Day But Today

MIMI & OTHERS (At the same time)  

I Can’t

Control Your


I Trust My
She Doesn’t See


Who Say’s That

My Only
There’s A Soul?

Is Just –

Just Let Me Be

There’s Only Now

There’s Only Here

Give In To Love

Or Live In Fear

No Other Path

No Other Way

No Day But Today


No Day But Today

No Day But Today

Strange that every word is capitalized…but ya. Take that bitch.

Ok I honestly haven’t shut off my computer in over three fucking
weeks…so I’m gonna attempt to close all of the 44 IM windows I have
open…no joke. And then part with my beautiful chatroom. UGH.