I concede defeat.
This life has bent me to the point of breaking.
Today was another shipwreck. I don’t see what I’m supposed to do. I
don’t see what I’ve done to deserve this…any of this…I’m trying so
hard to keep my head above water…and everytime I try to take a
breath…water fills my lungs and I find myself being pushed farther
and farther into the icy depths below. Life was never fair. But I just
want to survive.
Does fate want me to drown?
I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I just couldn’t. So I sat there
motionless for a while…dreading the soft hum of highschool
hallways…and tried desperately to dissolve into my blankets. Didn’t
work. But now that my mom knows everything…she understood…I mean
there wasn’t exactly anyway for me to go to chemistry…so I just sort
of slept in for a bit. I’m finding honesty is key. We made an
appointment to go to Ms. Donati at 9…hoping that there was some vague
way that she would be able to help me out of this mess.
So I went to Ms. Donati…lucky the door to chem was
closed…and…talked about everything…if it can even be called
talking. I was mostly reprimanded for once again not telling her who it
was. I know. No. I don’t know. I don’t know anything…I have not the
slightest idea what to do in this situation. I feel inclined to say
nothing…but only for his preservation it seems…perhaps a bit of my
own self preservation…but not my own healing. All the adults I talk
to seem to think it’s absolutely the only choice. That I have to. And
they seem to think I’m weak if I don’t. All the kids I talk to seem to
think that I’m making the right choice. That I’m being “strong” for not
telling on him. Strong? Strong for not standing up for myself? I don’t
know anything anymore. I feel like a ragdoll at this point. I have
respect for myself and dignity…but my self image seems to have
plummeted from all the abuse. I’ve lost all sight of myself. Ms. Donati
talked about the academics for all of 3 minutes. And just said “Ya you
should move to regular”…and then went back to berating me about Kerr.
She didn’t even remember the story…what I had told her last
time…which didn’t really make me feel like she cared…at all. I
really just didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m so sick of it. I
came to her for help. For her to help me stay in honors chem. Help me.
Not hinder me.
I left feeling even worse…and with no sense of direction at all…I
hate therapists. So then I had some free time…considering I’ve sort
of given up on driver’s ed. I don’t really remember what happened
during that time…Other than Campbell was an ass…Bob was a nice
man…and Rob should be shot.
During activities I had my wicked GSA meeting…in which I absconded
with like half the bagels and got yelled at. Ya. There’s the good old
Lauren. Hahahaha it was so funny because Bowman came just for the
bagels…and then fell asleep during the meeting and we threw bagel at
him. Sweet. I still love GSA. It kicks ass. I got a sweet diversity
livestrong and a sticker. Cause…you know…I’m….diverse. Jon was
there…which definately made my day.
English is just funny at this point. Not stressful anymore…just
dumb…except the new seating arrangement sort of forces me to look at
Campbell. Hmph. Not my fault. Cip is seriously the most obscene teacher
I’ve ever had. Haha yesterday was funny because Bob got all angry about
his exam and was about to tear Cip apart from the inside out. Ya it
made me chuckle. It amazes me how dumb people are though. Oo. Man. Alix
was giving this explanation of something in a poem…and I’m not gonna
lie…it was seriously the most awkward moment of my life. Heh. That
Lunch was awfully strange. Campbell and I got in a strange
arguement…I don’t…understand…him…anymore. He was saying that I
bring all this upon myself and that I’m victimizing myself…and that
he’s merely retaliating from the abuse. Obviously he doesn’t get it. At
least he’s trying. I guess that’s a good step. It was just really
strange…because he was more upset than angry…like he really wanted
to say something to me…but he didn’t exactly know how to put it into
words…eventually he just back tracked into “I hate you.” Whatever.
Next time…bring notecards. Then at lunch things were inbearably
awkward between us…and I really should have just left…and made a
point…but no…I don’t have that strength anymore…to walk
away…No. I just sat there until everyone left and it was just me and
Bob and Camps again. Whatever. Maybe I do bring it upon myself…what
can I do…I want to be around him. Tensions lessened…and we
distantly talked…they randomly played some Billy Joel…and the only
really strange thing…was when Campbell randomly brought up Panic! At
The Disco. Hmph. I think the boy’s stalking me. Oh well. Scurry.
So….then I…..left. Strange. Our relationship is so frayed.
French was…uh. Whatever. Nothing happened.
History was….strange. Again. Campbell was mopey and emo…and I was
almost laughing at him…he deserves to feel that way. I was trying to
draw him…but he wouldn’t stay still…so whatever. I don’t like
I had free last…and I did absolutely nothing…went to the
bookstore…talked with Amy…and wandered in circles. Mmmm good time.
After school was silly. I didn’t really do anything. Steph completely
broke into a crying fit because she couldn’t go in a party bus to
cotillion…and I was just like wow. You’re…pathetic. It was funny
though…because Erica and I didn’t know what was wrong….so we kept
like slyly walking back and forth and hiding…to figure out what was
going on. Bob and Rob were comforting her. Hmph.
Finally I went and talked to Mrs. Keefer. That’s what just ruined my
day. I went to her…and she was flat out mean to me…she said I
needed to switch into regular and I just said “Do I have to?” And she
was like yes you have absolutely no say in this, the choice has been
made…and then she was being really weird…and I told her the
truth…which is what I was supposed to do…I was just like…Well I
understand that Mr. Treichel gave me a second chance, and right when I
got it, something really bad happened to me and I couldn’t concentrate
on my work. Thats all I said. And then went off for 20 minutes about
how I had no choice and how this was the right thing for me and how I
have “shaky foundations” and how I can’t handle all of this and that I
have to mend myself before I can go back to schoolwork. And then she’s
like don’t even think about sitting there and complaining because I
don’t want to hear whiners…you are a child and I am telling you what
to do with your life. You better listen. I was like fuck you. I was
seriously really pissed. And I just wanted to cry. There’s so many
things…I don’t want to write them here…becuase…well…for a
variety of reasons. But I was so mad. She was downright mean to me.
Then she went onto scheduling me…and turns out there’s no way for me
to switch into regular unless she changes around my entire schedule and
moves everything and I have to go into Raiford’s class. I’m sorry. But
I’m not going into Raiford’s
class. Ever. Again. I refuse. And so she’s like…”So I’ll move you
into Raiford’s class, is that alright?” and before I could even open my
mouth she goes “Oh wait, what am I thinking, it’s not like what you say
has any weight, it’s not going to matter what you say anyway, so why
was I even asking you? I’m not giong to listen to it.” I don’t
understand what was wrong with her. I refuse to do this. I’m not going
to continue to be walked all over be everyone in my life. I’m staying
in this class no matter what anyone says. It’s not a matter of
pride…and I don’t care about the people in this class…but I want to
be in that class. It’s so degrading to have to go through all of this.
I’m not failing and he has no
right to kick me out of class with no warning. I’m passing. And even
so…I shouldn’t have to fight for my life in a class the whole
year…that doesn’t make any sense…I placed into this class and I’d
rather fail in it than do well in regular. I don’t know what’s wrong
with me…or why I’m being so irrational…but I’ve had enough of
people telling me what to do with my life and I’ve had enough damage to
my image already. I feel horrible about myself if I got moved out of
honors history and honors chem. This is not what education is about. I
don’t see…why if I want to be in this class…why if I’m begging to
stay in…they have the right to kick me out. They can’t do this to a
student…he didn’t even give me any warning…he didn’t come to me and
try to help me…he just kicks me out the day I get back from midterms.
They say I don’t care…but wouldn’t I be showing less “care” if I
wanted to move out? I’m begging to stay in…shouldn’t that be some
sign of the fact that I want to take this course? I just want to stick
it out. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling like a failure. Whatever.
At this point…I don’t even really want to go back to that class…I
just don’t want to move down to regular…but there is no way you are
moving me into Raiford’s class. Why should this effect my history? This
is not fair. It was the first time I’ve ever really felt like I hated the school.
I sort of stomped out of Mrs. Keefer’s office after she gave me my
“revised” fucked up schedule which I am in no way going to follow…and
called my mom rather upset to talk to her about it. Ugh. My mom at
least felt bad. Then when I hung up it was somehow 4:15…and I was
supposed to go to rehearsal…I just didn’t really feel like it…at
all. Bob happened to be there so we sat and talked about it all for an
hour or so…he really is becoming sucha good friend. He was nice and
helpful about it all…but really had no real advice…Somehow I ended
up telling him all about Rob…and I think he was really too stunned to
have any real thoughts about it. Either way…despite…whatever…Bob
is quite the good shoulder to lean on. I was nearly on the verge of
tears the whole time too. I don’t know how he puts up with it.
By the time Bob left it was like 5:15 and I saw Kerry….which…I
don’t know why she didn’t leave with Bob but whatever…And we randomly
went down to the “game.” Heh. It was funny. We went down and sat alone
on the bleachers and watched the team warm up…and then left right as
the game was starting. Mmm good job. Dinner was fun because I sat with
Marky again. I love that man. Alot. We just…laugh…….alot. He’s
getting to be quite the great friend too. I think the nurse thinks I’m
like stalking him because I go with him to get his meds like everyday.
Heh. Then we sat in the highschool and talked until my mom got there.
My mom told me about how her lawyers read my xanga and how if my dad
finds it then he could get full custody of me…which…didn’t…make
much sense…but…whatever. I was in the car for quite a bit picking
up Emlyn. Then came home and sat around lazily…and I found my
CDs…so I ripped those onto my computer and oh oh…what now?
Songs on iTunes count: 3133. Ohhhhhhh what now bitch.
And I still ahve a huge stack of CDs to rip. Ugh. I’m sooo putting
Panic! At the Disco in the car tomorrow. Ohhh baby. And some Spill
Canvas. I think my mom will be scared.
It’s nearly 1…I know I should go to bed.
So I suppose this is the end of January. This looks like a horrible
beginning to the year. I don’t think I can handle another heartbreaking
year. I know this all supposed to be “strengthening my character”…But
I’ve had enough at this point. I just want to let myself fall and find
myself soaring. I’ve got chains holding me down to this decrepeit
earth. What a year it’s been. February. Maybe February holds hope.
That’s just about the only thought that will keep me alive.
Perhaps the reason the ice is thinning is because we’ve both moved on
with our lives…and that…that fact hurts me more than anything.
And you, my darling…must continue to mold my grazed, brainwashed
vision with the passionate shocks of lightning that shoot from your
blue oasis…each fiery jolt that escapes with a justified blink…that
fragment and border my foggy manifestation. Otherwise I might slip.
Each gaze slices me in two…but without it I might disappear into vast
abyss…it’s the only thing that keeps me whole.
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
How can you not love poetry?
Tomorrow has hope. With each blink.
I’m not blind yet.