And so it seems to me (despite the 5 hour time difference), that I find
myself once again in the mysterious gap in time which accompanies a new
year. I’m not exactly sure how to feel, or with what sort of attitude
I’m supposed to be reminsicing about the year…nevertheless…I find
myself rapidly and uncontrollably approaching some vague sense of
end….being thrust violently at the throne of fate. I’m not exactly
sure what I’ve got to look forward to…but at this moment in time…it
appears to be something much more beautifully profound then this hole
I’ve dug…and I seem positive that there’s something swimminig in the
great beyond for me to hold onto…because I am not going down with
this ship.

                      the  best feeling
the  world  is

be  a  million`

                      miles away     &
be   able  to

his eyes

2005: My Shortest Survey Yet

1. Where were you when the year began?::  At Jackie’s having a beasty time
2. What were you doing at the time?:: Probably flouncing around wearing only a stuffed animal and harassing Jeremy
3. Were you praying for Dick Clark?:: That’s…a secret.
4. Did you make any resolutions?:: I actually don’t remember. Must not have been that great then.
5. When did you fall asleep?:: Like 6 haha. I was the last one to fall asleep…we were watchign Gilmore Girls. Teehee.
6. Who was the first person you talked to?:: The…girls.
7. Did you throw confetti?:: No but we thoroughly harassed each other sketchily.
8. Did you kiss someone into the year?:: Hm? Ya I kissed….Bob.
9. Were there any other party-type things involved?:: Of course. We were wild. And America’s Next Top Models. Mmmm.

10. What’s one of your best memories of 2005?:: Hmmm….wow. When Mat came up…crazy things with Emyln…and Dan…all of Dan.
11. Name something really exciting that happened:: Dan.
Erm…wow alot…so much I hardly remember anymore…met Ethan
Steiffel!!! Ughhhh…Saw Wicked. Now that was hot. Wow. SO much
happened this year.

12. Who were your best friends?:: Mat. (Duh) Emlyn. (UGH) Sarah. (Teehee) Amy. (Woot) Sam. (Eeek)…and other sketchy people
13. If you were in school at the time, what was your favorite class?:: English is my favorite subject…except ermm…last year’s Math class was really beasty…
14. Make any new friends?:: Yup. A bunch of sexy people.
15. Fall in love?:: Oh dear.
16. Did any firsts happen in 2005?:: First every second isn’t it? Well that made sense in my head.

17. What’s one of your worst memories from 2005?:: O dear. Stuff. Bad…stuff. Sketchiness…alot of stuff.
18. Name something really awful that happened:: Erm……..Duno. Allegra? Me dad. Junk.
19. Did you lose any friends?:: Ya…sniffle…actually…Sarah’s sort of……drifting into the abyss. *Tear* Definately lost Rob. Oh wow I forgot about that.
20. Any teachers have it out for you?:: YES.
UGH. Like…every single one on the planet. I thought O’B did…but he
just turned out to be an awesome little man trapped in a Colonel’s body.

21. Lose a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: Meh. Ya. That slut.
22. Do you have any regrets?:: Eh.
23. Anything you need to apologize for?:: Ya. But…well…long story. It’s him that needs to apologize. Wow. I can’t believe the year is over…I guess I’m glad.

24. Who was your favorite American Idol contestant?:: Um. Are you dumb? Who cares
25. Did you watch that dancing American Idol spin-off?:: Um…… Go away.
26. Did any of your favorites win an Oscar?:: Um. I don’t remember the Oscars
27. What was the best movie of 2005?:: Erm. Rent?
28. Best new TV show?:: The Office…UGHLISCIOUS.
29. Any TV specials that were good?:: Uh. No. Except for the one about Dan Radcliffe.
30. What’s your favorite song from 2005?:: Are you seriously asking me a question about pop music? *Scoffs* You are a horrible man. I refuse to answer this quesion.
31. How about your favorite new band?:: Ok now that is just cruel. Go away.

32. If you said “yes” to the resolutions question…how did that work out?:: Erm. Go away?
33. Win any awards?:: YES. The sexy whore award.
34. Accomplish anything else that you find important?:: Ya. But I wouldn’t be able to put it into words even if I wanted to…
35. Learn any major life lessons?:: Men are sexy. And…Rob is a whore.

36. Sum 2005 up in a few words:: Cruel. Demanding. Winding. Torturous. Beautiful.
37. Will 2006 be as good?:: It will be better. Count on it.
38. Will Dick Clark still be able to host on the big night?:: I’ll be in England. Bitch.
39. Will you watch if he isn’t?:: I…want him.
40. Will there be anymore “We Love You, Dick” signs?:: Um. Of course I love dick. *Snicker*

That was sort of a crap survey.

{IN 2005……..} (Bold That Apply In 2005)

I Got A Cellphone
(Yay spiffy abuse)

I Made New Friends
I Moved

I Went To A New School

Visited Another Country
(I’m in England right now…)

Fell In Love

Fell Out Of Love

Snuck Out

Had A Resolution That I Kept

Had A Resolution I Didn’t Keep

Made Some Mistakes

Made A New Xanga

Made A Myspace
Got A New E-mail Address

Liked Someone

Got A New Look

Got A New Attitude

Got a New Look On Life (Wow these are all silly)
Lost Weight
Got Taller
(I hope not)
Had Kids

Got Married

Lost Friends

Lost Family

Learned An Instrument
Got Intouch With Old Friends

Gained Weight

Dropped Out Of School

Got Good Grades

Got In Fights

Got Sick

Sang Infront Of A Crowd

Dated Around
Got Dumpped

Discovered A New Band

Got Addicted To A Drug

Got Addicted To A TV Show

Discovered A New Show

Got Depressed

Got Introuble With The Law

Went To Jail

Got Pissed At Friends

2005 Was A Good Year
(It was good…but tough.)

2005 Was An Ok Year

Um. That was…….nice.


A truly unbeliable amount to write…


Today was amazing.

I don’t really want to go back…

But I seriously want Daniel Radcliffe. I neeeed Danny.

UGHHHH. *Moans*

This is the reason I live.


Mwa hahaaaa….I’m on Emlyn’s computer…

I’d love to write a whole bunch of crap…but it appears to me that Dad
is in on to where we are…and if that’s true…then that’s quite bad…so
I’ll just keep it simple…

I’m really sick…I’ve been throwing up all day…which is really sad
and horrible timing since I wasted my entire first day lying in bed. It
sucked hard.

RickSuchenski: I love you and it hurts me that you lie to me

RickSuchenski: I don’t want to play this game any longer.  I love
you and want to be in your life.  It is not asking alot to have
you call once/week as you promised me when I bought you the phone
Spice Merkvits: wanna play monopoly?

So much to write…but Merry Christmas seems to be the only thing I can
get out of this weary mind…and I don’t even feel like it’s a merry
Christmas. With a fuck of alot of luck and severe head banging on my
part…the Emlyn Video should finally be
finished by morning. I’m pretty pissed off because I’m still up at 4 in
the morning on…and I haven’t gotten it done…when it
was finished 3 hours ago and the dumb computer just decided to spazz on
me and make me redo half of it. Shit fucker. So ya. What a night.

I leave for NYC tomorrow to go to England the next day…and I’m so
excited…I just wish I had time to write. I wish I had time for alot
of things…looks as though I’ll have none though. Oh well. I better
get to sleep so Santa can give me presents. Teehee.

Merry Christmas.

The Christmas Survey

What’s your favorite thing about Christmas?: Ummm. the fact that it’s christmas. everything is so jolly
Why?: cuz………its….jolly.
Do you enjoy sipping hot chocolate by the fire?: teehee yup.
Do you celebrate Hannakuh as well as Christmas?: no….but jews rock out loud.
What smiley best represents yourself at Christmas time?:
Do you get lots of presents?: haha ok this year…no joke i seriously have 2 presents. its sort of sad. but its ok.
Who do you get the most from?: well i guess my mom now.
your relatives come over?: the resetarits (emlyn) always come up after
christmas..but this year…we’re going there…MWA HA HA.
If so… what relatives?: ok. you really need to get with the flow.
Do you like eating Christmas cookies?: ya man…and my mom makes a shitload of them. ugh.
you think that Christmas isn’t Christmas without snow?: i would love
snow on christmas…but it doesn’t normally happen….sniff.
Do you believe in Santa Clause?: uhhh. duh.
Do you or your parents leave out cookies & milk for Santa?: i dont think so….
Do you leave food for the reindeer? maybe we used to….
Do you write letters to Santa telling him what you want?: uhhh cha.
Do you normally get everything that you ask for?: Hmmm. Sometimes…

What has been your ultimate Christmas present?: Actually….probably going to England.
Why?: cuz Emlyn’s there!
What year was the best Christmas?: Every christmas I had with a family.
If Christmas was on a Sunday… would you go to church?: ….no?
Do you go to musicals?: Musicals? I’m confused…
Do you go to church things around Christmas?: Heh…not really….
Do you exchange gifts with your friends?: I tried haha
Do you usually wear red & green over the holiday seasons?: I guess sometimes…but uhhh…maybe?
When does your family open presents?: Different everytime sort of…this year is so messed up.
you get real Christmas trees or fake Christmas trees?: Depends…haha
we used to have a christmas in every single room…seriously. it was

Does your family decorate the house?: We used to be intense..but not really anymore.
Do you decorate your room?: Used to….
Do you say “Merry Christmas” a lot during the Christmas season?: Joyous Kwanza! Solemn Ramadan.
Do you listen to 93.9 during the season?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh….no
Do you listen to Christmas music period?: Do you?
Do you like Christmas music?: It’s beasty.
Do you like going to the mall during the Christmas season?: erm….sure?
Do you give your family presents?: you bet.
Do you have a stocking?: heck yes.
And last but not least… DO YOU LIKE CHRISTMAS???: yes. but I’m really not looking forward to it this year….

It looks as though I’ll never get to see him……….

My AOL Messenger Life:

What’s your screenname?: aninnocentbanjo

How long have you been on AIM?: 6th grade. but hahaha. so many…erm. long story.

What version of AIM do you have?: the…nice one?

How much contacts do you have?: buddies? *checks* 361. ew.

How contacts you have that are girls?: a….few.

How much contacts you have that are boys?: were you high when you wrote these questions? they dont make sense.

Do you have families using AIM?: families?
well my dad is REALLY sketchy and has IM and sketchifies me on it…so
does bryan…and dan….ok i guess we’re sort of a sketchy family.

Does your friends at school have AIM?: no i really think you were high when u wrote this.

Do you talk into a conversation?: wtf? yes?

How much people was in a conversation usually?: are you from canada or something?

What’s the largest amount of people that’s in a conversation that you’ve been in?: ooo you mean chatroom. um. i guess….a bunch. ive had some pretty sketchy chatrooms…believe me.

How much times are you online?: always…except when my comp randomly spazzes and orgasms

When you’re online, do you talk to everyone who’s online?: not….everyone….

When you’re online, do you talk to specific people online?: hahaha these questions are so dumb

Do you use emoticons?: not really…

What’s your font color?: greeeeeen. it’s wicked.

What’s your text’s font?: dont remember…but its spiffy.

Do you have those special sounds effects thing?: nope…but i totally wanted to have some les info be the…oh nvm.

Do you LOVE AIM? i dont love it…but im addicted to it. very sadly. i cant really live without it. its rather sad.

My Xanga Life:

What is your username?: aninnocentbanjo. how original.

How long have you created it?: oooo they tell you! i checked and it said 539…i think like a year and a half…

Are you on Normal Xanga or Premium Xanga?: normal…but it gives me premium anyway…sweeet.

How much people you subscribed to?: a whole bunch. there was a time when everyone had a xanga…tear. the empire has fallen.

How much people subscribed to you?: no idea.

Do you subscribe back to the people who subscribed to you?: um…do you?

Do you subscribe to a site (surveys, music, icons, etc)?: just the sketchy survey site

What do you write about in your posts?: i write…good…stuff…about….sex

Do you write about personal stuff in a public post or a protoected post?: i actually write it in public…i dont really care what people read. no one reads it anyway.

Do you have a protected posts list?: yes. it includes all of one
person: Mat. Duh. but my protected posts arent all that juicy…so its
ok…its mostly stuff that…..well…w/e. i have alot more private
posts than protected ones…sometimes i just…ya well. im shutting up

Do you comment back to people who commented at your posts?: yup.
like always. its…strange. except i comment on my xanga…and ive
realized im pretty much the only one who does this…besides like
caroline…but it makes more sense…otherwise you get all
confused…and mostly its just because its just a habit from
livejournal because mat and i always used to have insane comment
wars…hard to explain. but everyone thinks im weird when i comment
back on mine. face it bitch.

Do you comment about what they wrote in the post or what they wrote in their comment for your post?: mostly on their post.

Do you have a pretty layout for your xanga?: its intense. i liked
it cuz it was sexy and the colors are hot and stuff…and sorta
sad….but then jon told me it’s a britney spears song and i was like
AK!! MUST! RID! but uh. i never got around to it…and no one would
know its a britney song unless they knew britney so…its all good. we
keep on the DL…shhh. i tried changing the layout in september for the
new year…and i just couldn’t handle it. it doesnt feel right doing
anything else…ive gotten far too attached to this one. pathetic.

Do you have a music playlist on your xanga?: no…they
always give me a headache and make me want to slap the person…because
im always listening to music…and then i go to read someones xanga and
theres like two songs playing and i cant read what they’re saying and i
feel like whacking them. good explanation right? ya. heh.

Do you have icons on your xanga?: icons? i have an avatar….i should change it sometime too…

Do you have a site on xanga? If yes, what is it and where is it?: um. what are you talking about.

1. What did you do last night?
raped children. oh no wait. sam and christina came over and we beasted it up. it was intense. we made a slutty movie. yesss.

2. Who was the last person you called?
probably……mat? or amy. nah prolly sam.

3. What does the 5th text on your phone say?
my phone is dead. i dont feel like fixing it.

4. When was the last time you thought about sex?
right now. bitch.

5. When was the last time you got hurt, physically or emotionally?

6. When was the last time you cried?
haha actually like 10 minutes ago when i reread what rob wrote in my yearbook. sniff. im such a loser.

7. When was the last time you lost something?
i lose something like every 3 seconds. no seirously…its like a perpetual losing talent of mine. it’s impressive.

8. What are you listening to right now?
panic at the disco. ya. its intense.

9. What are you eating right now?
your face.

10. What bothers you the most about the opposite sex?

11. What is the thing you look for in the opposite sex?
a vagina.

12. What was the first thing a guy/girl bought for you?
first? what? uhhhh. what? confused…………

13. Do you date more than one person at once?

14. What was the last movie you watched?
not sure actually…probably Narnia

15. What was the last tv program you watched?
some crap ass thing on MTV

16. What do you want for your bday?

17. What are you doing tonight?
raping more kids.

18. When will be the next vacation/holiday?
erm…right now.

19. How do you feel right now?
i feel swell.

20. Who do you think will take this next?
your mom.

What’s your favorite town?
um. pussytown. no actually i love ptown. and NYC. but thats a city.

I can’t wait to/till….?

Whats the best insult you’ve ever heard or said?
nothing that campbell or rob has ever said.

Who got you to join myspace?
me. bitch.

What’s the last thing you said outloud?
bryan you are a slut.

What is the last thing/person you spent over $100 on?
ummmmmmmmmmmm. heh. actually probably sam’s bday present.

What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?
myspace or xanga

Go into your text message log on your phone…what does the last message say?
dude. we’ve been over this

Do you have an air freshener in your car?
i have no car you idiot.

Do you have plants in your room?

If you could drink anything right this second, what would be?

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
ya. alot.

Last alcohlic beverage?
hahahahaahahahahahahahahahaa. gin and cognac and merlot and irish creme
and some random crap nameless thing…all mixed together. no joke. it
was so horrible. amazing.

If someone you hated died, would you laugh and spit on their grave?
as much as i’ve probably said yes…i would never. i would cry. however…i would get a week off school.

Do you exercise as much as you should?
hmmm. yes…but i havent been going to class as much as i should….so no. but normally yes.

Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
hm. not sure. depends.

Recent time you were really upset?
erm…last night.

Admit something about yourself:
I’m a slut.

Ya so definately…good stuff. It’s like 3 and I’ve spent the past 3
hours staring into the TV screen watching Guitar Hero…which is
basically Guitar DDR. It’s like the coolest thing ever. Sometimes it
pays to have ultra nerdy brothers and then an uber nerdy best friend
who is also rich. Gingo bought 2 Guitar Heroes…so we had two
guitars…It’s a pretty beasty game. But I sorta sat around staring at
the screen watching the colors fly by and got up to check the time to
go back to AIM and I was like AK its 3. Ya. Well…story of my life. I
love that feeling of absence of time that seems to accompany break…it
reminds me of such bittersweet hours spent with my brothers at 5 in the

It looks as though the infamous Hun Xanga has been updated for the new
year…and mwa ha ha I’m the first one with my hands on it. It’s
spiffy…and at this point severly narrowing down who writes it…I’d
guess a senior now…favorite part would definately be:

26.) You are constantly losing your backpack and are late to
class because you are busy frantically searching for it. Oddly enough,
you usually learn that Dean  “misplaced” it.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking alot about that…”man”…recent love
interest…A part of me is sometimes feeling that maybe Aunt Cheryl is
right…maybe I am at the point in my life where I’m just ready to just
settle down already and have a real relationship…that I need
something to fall back on…but…strange and inconsistent as it is for
me…I’m often still feeling repulsed by the idea of a boyfriend. It’s
completely inexplicable and irrational…but I just sometimes get
surges of individuality…feminism perhaps…I really do like being
alone. It’s not the hassle I’m worried about…because I think I need
something to be passionate about…passion that I can control…but
maybe it’s fear…maybe just because the candidate presents so many
disarming futures. It’s so lovely and easy for me to wallow in these
idyllic fantasies…but I must stop myself and pull back…because I
know that will lead me precisely back down the path I must never dare
to return to…and it’s horrible for the vague idea of a relationship
to be formulating in my mind…but I can’t help it. I’m a romantic and
I’m Lauren. First and foremost I dream. Then I think. But I can’t let
myself get attached to the abyss again…perfection is too plausible to
conceptualize. It’s obviously not nothing…the tension between us
could destroy a small city. But I won’t let myself give in. Perhaps it
really is the fear…just because it’s “him.”
Because there are so many variables…and not even the fear of getting
my heartbroken…but ruining a friendship…for once I cross that
there is no turning back. Shatter the past and let go of everything I
know…in hope of a transitory moment of sheer beauty. It’s a point of
no return…and it’s just a
question of whether or not it’s worth the leap. And of course the romantic inside me swells up and wants to
immediately dash off the edge and forget worries and
possibilities…and so do I. But I won’t let myself be a victim again.
And I won’t let myself be a ragdoll. And I certainly won’t let myself
be played around with by him. Not by him. I won’t be controlled by men.
If there’s anything that’s hardened me throughout this past year…it’s
that. I’d rather be alone than in submission.

With him it’s not just cherry blossoms and sweet melodies ringing in my
ears…it’s truth…it’s raw and it’s harsh and it’s teetering on the
edge of pure beauty. I wish I could just thrive in simplicity. The
complexity of the situation is running me into the wall. I wish I could
love and live and breath in one swift motion…It was so easy for me to
love Dan Reiss…because there was no fear of striking out…merely
because there was no hope of winning. And I thrived on the sheer idea
that it was and would be forever, all in my mind…and it was perfect.
Exactly what I needed. At the time it was manifested perfection. I
didn’t need it…or even him…just a cracked picture in my shaking
hand and
a dream to cling to. But the idea of dependance on “him” is so utterly
frightening to me. So for now I’ll just sit in the idle
disarray…transition on the wheel of fire and dwell on apotheosis. I’m
not waiting for him…but waiting for my own heart…to find it’s
prey…latch on…and never let go. I want the fierce and looming
future…but I can’t
get carried away. The truth is…beyond everything…is that my heart
is not, in fact, ready to leap without a question…and that naturally
spurns my doubt. I’m not in love with him. I want to bathe in his
blazing eyes and sulk in his golden locks. It’s not merely
sexuality…it’s a carnal desire but fueled by an immaculate and divine
bond rather than passion. And yet I know…that when I do finally fall
in love with him…that it will be blissfully and torturously real and
biting…and all the more frightening. I feel majestically and
intuitively drawn to
him…but suffocated. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever
experienced…and it’s hanging by a single shining thread…and the
part I hate most is that it’s in his hands entirely to snap. I despise
control…handing my fate to a man with no compassion…effortlessly
weaving me into his contorted web. I would say
it’s the mystery that draws me on…but I can’t let myself say
that…because this time…I know him. I know him all too well. And I
remain frightened. Then it may be because I know him…that I’m afraid
I’ll just be another milestone. I won’t be a leech on his arm and I
won’t be his pawn. I may be a memory once it’s faded…but I refuse to
be a number…Just as much as I refuse to be a trophy. I will be his and
I will be mine. I’ll be a scar. I’ll be a picture kept under his
mattress. But I will be mine. And nothing else. I’m frightened of being
“one of them.”
I’m frightened of crashing and burning and being scattered with ashes.
I’m frightened of nothing at all. I’m frightened of him. I’m frightened
of me. But then…beyond all…I’m frightened what will happen if I
never find out. If I never leap and simply watch these fiery looks
spark and fade to dust.

As for now I’ll just sit at the bottom of this black hole in wonder.

Simplicity feeds perfection…I’d rather spike the punch.

But boy, I swear the stars are feuding in his eyes.

Basically….last night was the greatest slash funniest slash cutest
night of our adolescence…hands down. I know that I will never forget
it. I know. I’ll always look back and remember how absurdly silly we

Emlyn and I are the dumbest girls on the face of the earth.

GODO Forever.

Wow. I’m not sure if I want to write it here…because I’m not sure who
my audience is…plus I just don’t want to write about how utterly
silly we were…besides…no one would believe me anyway. But…those 4 hours pretty much captured the essence of
our stupidity.

We stayed up till like 2 and Emlyn had to wake up at 4 for her flight. Brilliant.

Favorite quote of the night: “We are sitting in a closet…and we are COOL!”

It was pretty much…”So this one time…at my friend’s beach house…Let’s just say…she had more than I did.”

We totally didn’t get caught either. Apart from the fact that it was
much more mature than any of the other little plans we’ve concocted
through the years…it was just like the old days…making trouble and
going along with the absurd things Emlyn decides to do. It’s different
from anything else…I’m definately not
the sidekick…but I have to say…I never would have never done half
the things I’ve done in my lifetime if it weren’t for Emlyn…not that
she pressures me into anything ever…but we sort of egg each other on.
Once we’re actually doing it though…I’m always the bigger risk taker.

But I’m so glad I experienced it with her first. We will always have that foggy memory together.

We’re rebels. Hahaha.

I love Emlyn Resetarits with all my heart.

And I am so lucky to have had her with me all this time.

I didn’t really realize this until this morning…when I crawled
out of bed (at 2 in the afternoon mind you) and went downstairs and was
suddenly overtaken with an immense feeling of emptiness just
remembering that Emlyn was gone. She’s gone back to England…of course
I’ll see her in a few days…but I miss her already. She always leaves
at the end of the holiday and I’m always heartbroken…but this time I
really felt like I wouldn’t be able to go on if I she didn’t come back.
She’s such a support. I can see these three years ending up very well.
It’s what I dreamed of my entire childhood…of course it’s very
different when it actually happens…but it might just be exactly what
I need.

Things are starting to come together.

I’ve been waiting so long to say that. Of course…it’s only a tiny
piece of the puzzle that fits…but at least it’s something to stand on.


That’s like amazing.

Oh em gee. It was like the beastiest thing ever.


Seriously. Monty Python as a fucking broadway musical is like UGHTASTIC. Like UGH in a box smothered with cum and beastyness and butter.

Emlyn and I were literally ugh-ing in our seats. It was so intense.

Hmmmm. Interesting survey:

+ Basics +
Are you emotional : Um. I’m human. So yes. But I guess sometime’s I’m a little over emotional…I like emotions. They make me feel alive.
Do songs make you cry? Haha ya alot do. But only certain ones. For…reasons.
What about movies :: Yup…certain
movies…doesn’t everyone answer yes to these questions? Heh. I’m such
a sucker for The Notebook…I always cry. And Grave of The
Fireflies…when I saw it when I was like…8….I was in a crying
comma for like 3 hours. It was so sad.

What emotion do you usually feel :: ….Lauren emotion? I like experiencing all emotions. I duno.

+ Sadness +
What does it take to make you cry your heart out :: Heh.
I actually do cry alot. I mean not like dumb highschoolers that start
crying when their hair straitener breaks…but I guess I have alot of
reason to cry..and I actually love
crying. I know I’m weird..but like I said…it makes me feel alive.
It’s not that anything will make me cry…but I do cry my heart out
alot. Teehee.

How many times have you done that :: Lots. I know I suck…but it’s normally about guys. I know. I know. I suck.
Where do you cry :: I duno. Everywhere. I don’t really like crying in public places though…I have to say the only time that I’ve broken down in public in this entire
mess these past few years was with Campbell…which is totally
strange…but I just broke down this one day for NO apparent reason.
Too much of everything. But Campbell was really sweet so it’s ok. I
hardly ever cry in school and I hardly ever cry with my friends
around…This past year has been tough though. But probably all of my
family has seen me cry…alot. The first time Christina (Rich’s wife)
saw me cry was at “The Dinner” when my mom told us for the first
time…I just remember…we all sat there continuing to eat and
pretending to be fine…but I just had tears streaming down my
face…completely silent and completely focused on eating…but tears
readily falling. From that point on I didn’t care if Christina saw me
cry or not.

Do you hate crying :: Not at all. I love it. Heh. I’m demented I know.
Do you like it when others cry :: Not really. Highschoolers cry
way too much for no reason and for attention and it sort of drives me
crazy. And my mom literally cries every single day…and I know
I’m really heartless…but I don’t have any pity anymore. I can’t take
it anymore. I’ll never forget the way she cried the first month after
he left though…Like her heart was being sliced out with a rusty
knife. It was horrible. Horrible. Everyday.
But….I’m not gonna lie…I love it when guys cry. Cutest thing…on earth. I remember when Dan would cry in WSS…and I’d be like UGH UGH.
Do you think tears make eyes look pretty :: Erm….not sure?
Who looks good when they cry :: I don’t. Um. Ya I pretty much don’t know anyone…other than Reiss. He looked pretty sexy when he cried.
How else do you express sadness :: Writing. Sometimes dancing. Mostly writing.
Are you sad all the time :: I try not to be. I never used to be.

+ Anger +
What does it take to make you mad :: Hm. Quite a few things. But it’s mostly silly things that people don’t understand. Most people have quirks like that.
What do you do when you’re angry :: Uhhhh.
Shoot people? Yell at people. Write. Whack things haha. Most of the
time I seriously want to strangle my mom when I’m angry at her.

How short is your temper :: Um….not? That short? ….Duno.
How long does it take you to calm down :: Not that long. But sometimes a while.
Do you freak out when others are angry :: Freak out? Uhh…no. I guess not. Maybe.
Has anyone ever recommended anger management to you :: Nope.
What’s the worst thing someone’s done to make you mad :: The
Rob thing. Probably alot of things my Dad has done. My mom GAAA. Like
everything she does when she’s angry. GRRR. Oh man those boys broke my
camera after WSS and I was ready to eat them. And dumb little
highschoolers that piss me off.

Do you anger people :: Of course. A little too much sometimes.

+ Joy +
How often are you happy :: I seriously used to be the happiest child on earth. …Used to be.
What makes you happy :: Teehee.
Alot of things. I guess I don’t show my happy optimistic side as much
anymore…but I always will have the little girl inside of me.

What do you do when you’re happy :: Laugh. Bounce around. Giggle. Skip. Dance like a crazy woman. Alot of silly things. I’m pretty obscene.
How optimistic are you :: Complete optimist.
Do happy people make you mad :: Hahahahhaha ya. Well not mad. But they get pretty annoying after a while. (Y is the answer above crossed out?…Confused.)
What’s the worst thing someone can do while they’re happy :: Worst thing? Uhhh. Huh?
Ever been so happy you were dying to tell everyone :: Haha yes. And I most likely did. I probably got on a chair and screamed it. Ya. I’m silly.
Ever been so happy you cried :: Ya. Oh baby.
Do you smile a lot :: Heck
yes. It’s what I’m known for…haha no really…I got held back in
level 4 at ballet because I “smiled too much” WTF! Haha ya…I have a
habit of smiling. …It’s not as easy anymore though…

Kiss people a lot:: I duno.
Who really makes you happy :: Matty. Hm. Alot of people…sometimes. Dan Reiss. Really does. Jeremy most of the time.
Do you like doing things for people when you’re happy :: Yup.

+ Fear +
What do you do when you’re scared :: Hide in a trash can. Hahaha Conor Choi. No um. I do…things?
What scares you :: A few things. I never tell people……
Do you like scaring people :: HAHAHA. Not in the way you’re imagining…but I’m sure that Emlyn and I have scared half of the States.
Do you like the thrill of being frightened :: Ya. Love the thrill of danger too. Ugh ugh.
Does fear accompany anger in your case :: Not…really?
Ever been so scared you couldn’t breathe :: Um. Maybe?
How often do you panic :: Panic!
At The Disco! (playing right now…sorry) Uh. I don’t really panic. I’m
not really paranoid. And I’m not Christina Eberhardt.

What’s the one thing that scared you more than anything else EVER :: So
many things. So many things with my Dad. So many things with my Mom.
The Rob thing. Notice a pattern in these answers? I can’t really think
right now. But I’m sure there’s something.

What do you do to calm your nerves :: Hm. Breathe? Maybe the hair twirling thing I do. Maybe that’s just a comfort habit.
Do rollercoasters scare you :: I heart rollercoasters.

+ The strongest emotion +
What song never fails to get your strongest emotions going :: Yesterday. Erm. Alot of songs. Komm, Susser Todd? There’s so many. Oh alot of Dashboard songs. Defying Gravity.
Movie :: Strongest emotion? So many movies. So many.
Commericial :: Uhh…your face.
Person :: Mat. Dan Reiss. Camps. Rob. Allegra. Steph. Amy + Sam sometimes. Jordan Browning. Ms. Ohm. Ms. Youskevitch. Sarah. DAD. (All completely different emotions btw)
Thing :: Thing? Uh. A vibrator? Heh. Rob’s hat.
Sight :: The Nutcracker set. Fireworks. That…boy.
Sound :: Panic! At the Disco right now is really sexy. The sound of…an…orgasm.
Food :: Wtf is with these questions?
Thing you’re looking forward to/want :: Christmas…not the day…just the season I guess. ENGLAND.

+ What do you do +
When the emotion suck :: Write…haven’t we been over this?
When the emotion rocks :: Rape people.
When there’s no emotion :: Stare into the abyss.

+ Would you rather +
Never feel again :: NO.
Feel loneliness or anger for the rest of your life :: Mm. Loneliness. I hate being angry. It’s easy to wallow in sorrow.
Be happy forever and never experience bad times :: No. I want to be complete.
Cause misery :: Cause misery? Um. No.
Feel misery :: Ya I’d rather feel misery.
Be alone :: I love being alone.
Be with everyone you know :: I might die if I was with everyone I know.

+ Who +
Cheers you up more than anyone else :: Um. Mat. Emlyn. Jmo.
Angers you more than anyone else :: Used to be Steph. Used to be Allegra. Now it’s seriously my closest friends.
Scares you more than anyone else :: Rob. Dad.
Makes you think about your emotions more than anyone else :: Backman. And Reiss did.
Makes you really care about how they feel and what they think :: Hm. Mat of course. I guess Backman.