Holy. Fucking. Shit. My entire life is going to change. My entire life.
This will be a moment I will always remember. My entire life is going
to change.

I have not the slightest idea
what to think. My mind is going insane…I’m on the verge of every
possible emotion concievable…and I’m pretty sure I’m being extremely
selfish…just thinking about how this is going to effect my life. I
feel like I’ve been hit by a bus…Is she serious? Is this real? I have
NO idea what to think.

I nearly feel like crying…just shock I suppose.

And I was just getting my abstracted feet to scrape the ground again.

Is this really happening?

Life is so surreal.

Give me something to hold onto…I might blow away in this hurricane.

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Omg. I just saw The Woman In White and it was amazingggg. Ugh ugh. I loved it. Amazing. It was so creepy and eerie and beautiful and haunting and sexified. Andrew Lloyd Webber is definately a beast.

The set…well…there wasn’t one. They just had these huge moving
white round screens that they cast pictures on…computer
animation…which was soo creative and new…and I kind of missed a
set…but it was soooo cool still.

So it hasn’t even come out on broadway officially yet…I just saw the
preview…it was only the 3rd performance….EEK. I feel totally
special. It’s definately going to be a hit. Then we stood by the stage
door and got like 5 autographs…of all the main characters too. It was
awesome.

Woot.

So ya. Lauren had a totally hot ass weekend. Let’s see…


Friday
– Eeek. I skipped class and it turned out to be a big ugly mess.
Ugh. Haha then I went dress shopping with Amy and we got an intenesly
hot dress.


Saturday
– Ugh. Class in the morning with Youske-bitch…and half way
through I asked to sit down cause I was feeling sick and she got all
bitchy and was like FINE. She has issues. Then hahahaahahahaha
rehearsal started off with her “making an annoucement” and being like
“This is absolutely horrendous. Horrendous horrendous. This is
appalling but I have to switch Lauren back to peppermint because stupid
Caroline says the costume won’t fit. I think this is disgraceful that a
costume should dictate my casting…and she doesn’t deserve the role,
but we have to do this horrendous thing” AHAHAHA. BITCH. loser. whore.
slut. i WIN I WIN I WIN. teehee. It was so funny. She’s patheticccc.
But then I felt really bad because Erin looked sad. Bah. I feel bad.
Anyway…rehearsal was long and boring and insane and boo. I’m so
officially sick of Bonbon….But we got let out an hour early…WOOOOT.

So I went home and got ready…oooo baby.

Then Sam’s party pretty much kicked ass. No seriously…I officially LOVE
dances. They just rock. Probably because I go a little INSANE. Hahahah.
I was seriously so high. It was insane. The seniors thought I was
drunk. O man. Lol Caroline and Jon and the Alex’s are amazing. I love
them. And Jeremy is the love of my LIFE. Except for the fact that
Campbell and Rob and Bob spent half the time watching the football game
(loooosers) and Sam spent most of her time with her “other”
friends…it was pretty hot. All the people that thought they were
“toooo cool” for the party sat outside in the hall and emoed themselves
to death. I’m so sick of it. We were all pretty much like….fuck you
we’re gonna dance. I don’t know why they thought they were cool cuz it
was pretty sad. And I understand that Sam had other friends. Bah. But
hmm….highlights:

-Garrr! That stupid “Sam Quiz” I knew allll the answers to and I forgot to turn it in. Haha stupid.
-Connor is the hottest dancer…ever.
The pimp hat is god.
Caroline is a beast.
-Jeremy is 7-OH-FOH
-Hahahahahaha when they played Defying Gravity I went insaneee. I
literally sprinted from the bathroom and shoved some people over so I
could leap onto a chair and make a diva of myself. Haha it was so
sad.Then I sang from ontop of the chair until they had to kick me off.
A few people were going crazy with me…and then the rest were all
like…wtf is this song? haha. it was beasty. and I was screaming my
lungs out. I went back on the chair for the end even though I wasn’t
supposed to. It was sweet. I love looking like a jackass.
-Omg. In Collide….ugh. Jeremy and I kept “colliding” and then the
last time we totally backflipped and fell flat on our backs. Ahahah. It
hurt but it was totally awesome. I loved it. Campbell got quite the
laugh. Jerk.
-Haha during Build Me Up Buttercup I randomly ran on the dance floor and started dancing all by myself…it was awesome.
-I was dancing dirty. It was awesome. Sam’s parents think I’m a slut though. Haha.
-I love grabbing men by their ties.
-Alex is a beast.

Can’t remember much now. I’ll put pics up later. ❤

Sunday– Woke up early for dress
rehearsal at 9:30….ARGH. Haha it was fun though. I really love Anne
Frank…but…healthily! That’s improvement…I mean I’m really gonna
miss it…but I’m not so desperately attached to it that it’s my
life…which is definatelyyy progress. Melissa was like an hour
late…ugh. So we did like nothing for a while. Awwww Molly is soo cool
she made us all little purses with our initials on them to put our
jewelry in. EEK. And I got my jewelry today which, according to Ms.
Ohm, completes your character. Wow. I really have learned so much from
all of this. It’s been such a wonderful blessing.

So rehearsal went well. Um…I don’t remember much. Teehee. Last scene
was sad…yay. Hahah Lucy brought me the cake through the W.C. which
definately made my day. And boo we forgot our lines in the cake scene.
Heh. Good job. Then we were gonna have a party but I had to leave.
Tear. I got a cupcake anyway though. *Sigh*

I cannot believe we open Thursday. Unbelievable.

Then we literally sprinted to the train and I have NO idea how on earth
we got to the theatre on time…but somehow we did. And ya…we saw the
Woman in White and it was AMAZING. Eeek.

Yup. I love NYC. Massively. We got dinner a scarf from a street vendor
and tickets to the Radio City Music Hall show for Christmas
day…which…should be interesting…and got back to NJ in time to see
Desperate Housewives.

Awesome weekend.

Hell week begins……….now. *Excited*

Considering I’m going to be insane with…Anne Frank…not sure I’ll be
able to write alot this week. Tear. I hope the play’s amazing though.

Teehee. Halloween’s tomorrow. How on EARTH did it get here so fast?
I’ve had NO time to prepare anything. Sad. I just died my hair
blonde…I don’t think it worked…But I guess I’m being Glinda for
trick-or-treating…and I guess I’ll go as Maureen tomorrow. Woot. I
love being a Broadway junkie. Hip hip hooray.

I love theatre.

Start with 100%, and take away 1%
for everything you’ve done/that’s happened to you on this list. Put the number
you are left with in the subject line EXAMPLE… if you did ONE thing you would
put 99%

Haha I only bolded and italiced and stuffed ones that
were……..important….or…funny…its not that…if you know
me…you’d…um ya. lol

Smoked.
Drank alcohol.
Cried when someone died.
Been drunk.
Had sex
Been to a concert.
Given a handjob/gotten a handjob.
Given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob.
Been verbally sexually harassed.
Verbally sexually harassed somebody.
Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
Laughed so hard something came out of your nose.
Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Been to prom
Cried at school.
Gotten lost in a WalMart or a department store.
Went streaking.- awww good times. haha.
Given a lap dance.
Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.
Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
Slept over at someone of the opposite sex’s house.
Kissed a stranger.
Hugged a stranger.
Went scuba diving.
Driven a car
Gotten an xray
Hit by a car.
Had a party.
Done drugs.
Played strip poker.
Got paid to strip for someone.
Ran away from home.
Broken a bone.
Eaten sushi.
Bought porn.
Watched porn.
Made porn
Had a crush on someone of the same sex.
Been in love.
Frenched kissed.
Laughed so hard you cried.
Cried yourself to sleep?
Laughed yourself to sleep.
Stabbed yourself.
Shot a gun.
Trash talked someone and then acted like their
best friend the next day. -Who in high school doesn’t do this?

Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
Watched an animal die.
Watched a person die.
Had sex and/or messed around somewhere with atleast 1
person present.

Pranked somebody.
Put somebody in the hospital.
Snuck into someone’s room and/or your own room after
being out.

Kissed somebody of the same sex.
Dressed punk.
Dressed goth.
Dressed preppy.
Been to a motocross race.
Avoided somebody.- um….doesn’t everyone?
Been stalked.

Stalked someone.
Met a celebrity.
Played an instrument.
Ridden a horse.
Cut yourself.
Bungee jumped.
Ding dong ditched somebody.
Been to a wild party.
Got caught stealing something.
Kicked a guy in the balls.
Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
Went out with your friend’s crush.
Got arrested.
Been pregnant.
Babysat.
Been to another country.
Started your house on fire.
Had an encounter with a ghost.
Donated your hair to cancer patients.
Been asked out by someone that you never though you’d
to be asked out by.

Cried over a member of the opposite sex. -*sigh*
Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months.
Sat on your ass all day.
Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
Had a job.
Gotten cut from a sports team.
Been called a whore.

Danced like a whore.- everyday.
Been mistaken for a celebrity.
Been in a car accident.
Been told you have beautiful eyes.
Been told you have beautiful hair.
Raped somebody.
Danced in the rain.
Been rejected.
Walked out of a restaurant without paying.
Punched someone/slapped someone in the face

13%

Ok how the fuck is that possible? There’s no way.


So I totally feel like the worst person alive right now. Today…was…not even a day. And it’s all because. I’m worthless. Are you reading this Ms. Donati? I’m worthless.

And dumb. And irresponsible.

I’m going to play practice right now…haha even though I skipped the rest of school…I’ll write when I get back. Ugh. Why?

***********************************************

Alright so this week is officially horrible. What
is wrong with me? Seriously. I really think there’s something wrong
with me…like I’m clinically depressed or something. I just can’t
handle…life…lately. And I have to go to family therapy tomorrow.
How did all of this happen? And I’m dropping out of honors
History…and I…just. Wish. I could be…who I thought I was.

So I guess I’m in trouble. I…can’t…do anything right. I was “sick”
yesterday…and for once…I actually wanted to go to school…for Anne
Frank and everything. It’s really weird. I’d rather go to school just
so I could go to play practice then sleep all day. I’m way too devoted.
Anyway…I ended up sleeping all day and then sneaking into play
practice anyway. Hahaha. I’m such a rebel. So then today I wasn’t
feeling that well…but I went to school….but I completely didn’t
study for chemistry and I thought I was going to fail…so I went to
math…and then I asked to go to the nurse before the test was handed
out…and I went…and…er….took my time…and I didn’t really want
to go home…I just didn’t want to take the test. Ugh. So then the
nurse called my mom and told her to get me…even though I didn’t say
to…so then when my mom got there I told her I didn’t want to go home.
But fejafjake/ This is so hard to explain. But I was already signed out
at the dean…so I guess I was like “not really there”…but I really
didn’t want to miss play practice and stuff…but I kinda just wanted
to go home and sleep….my mom wanted me to go home too. So then I was
all bleked up. I had no idea what to do. So then I decided to stay I
guess…I’m not really sure what I was thinking. So I hung
around….and went to English and skipped the assembly…but it was
weird…because I was supposed to be there…but not. But then I
started feeling bad cuz if Treichel had seen me he would have been
really upset…and I didn’t know why I was hanging around school
anyway…so then I called her again and she came and got me…and she
said I could go to play practice after…I’m such a loser….

So then I went home and slept for an hour and a half….but then mom
came home all upset and was saying the school called and that I was in
alot of trouble. Ugh. I probably should have just done what I…should
have done…either gone to begin with or stayed there…but I suck. So
now I went to some classes and not others…so they think I’m just
skipping…and then they got really mad because my mom told them she
was taking me into play practice and they said that wasnt allowed and
they got really pissed about it…so I didn’t end gooing to play
practice…which sucked…and now cuz of all this shit the school
thinks I’m having
all these “problems” and that I need to talk to someone. I don’t need
to talk to anyone. And they’re gonna have to talk to Mr. Ohm…and then
maybe I can’t come back next year if I…ya. Whatever. There’s so much
shit I have to deal with. I hate it. So then my mom and I yelled at
each other for an hour or so about what a loser I am…and then I slept
for like 4 hours.

What the fuck am I doing with my life? Why can’t I just…behave? It’s been like a month. Get over yourself.

Ugh. But then Bryan came over and studied Chem with me…which was
actually really fun…and I’m glad I did because I needed to actually
study for once. And Bryan is…so adorable. I love him. Wow. I actually
studied for a really long time. And watched Gilmore Girls…yay. So
then I guess that was good. Now I have a bunch of work to still
do…and what happened to my god damn social life? I really need
to………….FUCK SOMEONE.

I’m so behind in ALL of my classes. I need to……..die.

And I’m realllllly pissed about not being able to go to play practice.
I’ve got like 5 rehearsals left…and its the ONLY thing I really care
about…grrrr. I could have fucking gone if I had just stuck those 2
periods out. I’m such a loser. I really wish I could have gone. Fuck.

I’m sick of people always apologizing…I’m sick of “I know you’re
going through a hard time so I’ll…” I’m sick of making excuses…why
can’t I just handle life? Why can’t I…

And I REALLY don’t want to switch out of history…It’s not my choice
though. Stupid mother. I really believe I can pull my grade up.
Apparently no one else has any faith in me.

I really need some time off from life.

WOULD YOU RATHER
1) pierce your nose or tongue? hmmm nose
2) be serious or be funny? ugh. i guess……funny
3) drink whole or skim milk? dot dot dot…skim?

* . . . A R E Y O U . . .*
4) simple or complicated? complicated…bitch.

* . . . D O Y O U P R E F E R . . . *
5) flowers or angels? i dont see the
corellation…but…hmmmm…angels? flowers? who knows.

6) grey or gray? both
7) color or black-and-white photos? color for sexy
pictures…but black and white for intense ones

8) lust or love? ugh…what is even the context? haha
this questions are so vague…i guess….love

9) sunrise or sunset? depends. wow. this thing sucks.
i guess……sunset.

10) M&Ms or Skittles? mmmmm…
11) rap or rock? rock. definately rock. i hate rap.
12) staying up late or waking up early? ARGH! Staying
up late! duh.

13) TV or radio? TV. cuz….the radio sucks
sometimes.

14) water or soda? well…………….what kind of
soda? water i guess

15) eating apples or oranges? uhhhh apples?

* . . . A N S W E R T R U T H F U L L Y . . . *
16) Do you have a crush? fuck yes.
17) Who is it? haha nice try.

* . . . D O Y O U P R E F E R . . . *
18) being hot or cold? hot
19) taller members of the opposite sex? i guess
so…but ive never been weird about that

20) sun or moon? awww….sun cuz its..sexy…but the
moon for MAT.

21) emeralds or rubies? emeralds…thats my
um…birth…stone…w/e haha

22) left or right? in……………what? right?
23) having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 BEST
FRIEND. by far.

24) sun or rain? UGH. THESE QUESTIONS ARE TOO HARD.
this is harder than nuse. god. sun is hot. but rain is hot too. i love them
both.

25) vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?
vanilla. phew. finally i got one right.

26) boys or girls? WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? boys.
girls are bitches.

27) beans or carrots? um. your face.
28) low fat or fat free? uh….fat.

* . . . M I S C E L L A N E O U S . . . *
29) What is your biggest fear in the world? life.
30) Kids or no kids? mmm kids.
31) Cat or dog? both…having sex.
32) Half empty or half full? half full.
33) Mustard or ketchup? ketchup…o baby
34) Hard cover books or soft cover books? um…what?
35) Newspaper or magazine? magazine…
36) Sandals or sneakers? sandals…because they’re
hot

37) Wonder or amazement? wonder…
38) Red car or white car? red…cuz thats sexy.
39) Happy and poor or sad and rich? HAPPY AND POOR.
duh.

40) Singing or dancing? doing both…while having
sex. but seriously…probably dancing.

41) Hugging or kissing? both
42) Corduroy or plain? on….what
43) Happy or sad? haha what kind of a question is
that? happy.

44) Purple or green? purple for…mat…green for
elphaba.

45) Blondes or brunettes? REDHEADS. duhhh.

* . . . A B O U T Y O U . . . *
What time is it? 11:07
Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday
cake? 15

Pets? 2 dogs a cat…and a……..giraffe.
Height? 5’9″…ish?
eye color? sexified green
hair color? bleky blondish blah
Piercing(s)? 18

* . . . W H A T D O Y O U W A N T . . . *
Do you want to get married? o baby. ya.
Where do you want to live? in ur mom
How many kids do you want? a few.
What kind of job do you want? a sexpot

*. . . W H I C H I S B E T T E R . . . *
2 doors or 4 (on a car) : wtf? 4…so u can have more
sex

Coffee or ice cream? ice cream
Shampoo or conditioner?
conditioner…cuz…its…nice

Bridges or tunnels? uh. bridges?
One pillow or two? uh. no comment

* . . . W O R D A S S O C I A T I O N . . . *
(first thing that comes to mind)
Rock? SEX
Green? ELPHABAAAA
Crying? everyday. actually…that reminds me of the
time i broke down with campbell for some reason

peanut? panthers.
Roses? love
Summer? SEXXX
Winter? beautiful snow and being sick and cold

. . . F A V O R I T E S . . . *
Salad dressing? ceaser or blue cheese haha
Color of socks? rainbow……….?
Toothpaste? white…toothpaste…
Food? YOUR FACE.
Alcoholic drink? um. the one im drinking right now.
Non-alcoholic drink? shirley temple hahaha.
Cartoon Character? MEI! DUHHHH. haha no….um. uh.
asuka. hm. thats a hard one.

. . R A N D O M Q U E S T I O N S . . . *
When was your last hospital check-in? when i was
pregnant.

where do you see yourself in 10 years? in prison.
have you been convicted of a crime? ………….maybe……..
What do you do most often when you are bored? stare
at the computer…or frolic

Are you open minded? um. what?
Can you be in love with two people at the same time?
No.

Wow I thought this was gonna be fun. IT SUCKED ASS
AND THE QUESTIONS ARE TOO DAMN HARD. hahaha.


Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But….because I knew you…I have been changed…For. Good.

God I feel like such a failure.
Looks like I’m going to have to switch out of Evan’s class because I’m
failing. I’m really disappointed in myself…I thought I could handle
all honors. I really don’t want to switch…just because now I’ll feel
like I let myself down…but my mom is making me. I mean I guess it’s
probably a better choice, considering I hate Evans and I hate history
and I hate that class…but god. I really feel like I’m letting the
reputation down. If it weren’t for that god damn reputation. I guess
this is better this way…but I really wish I had put more effort in in
the beginning…or rather…any effort.

But then I guess my mom’s right. My brothers did take all honors and
ace them all…but they really had NO social life. And no
extracurriculars. I’m trying to do all honors, the play, hun dance,
PBS, the nutcracker, choir…and have a social life. Which would have
been so impressive if I had pulled it off. I guess I’m just not that
impressive. I mean I don’t want to be like Richard…and I’m not like
Richard…Richard spent ALLLL his time studying. Seriously. All of it.
But I really wish I could have been like Bryan. Bryan is truly gifted.
Truly. He has some…thing. He never did ANY work and aced all his
classes…which is how I used to be…but I lost it.

Oh well. Fuck being smart.

I’m in desperate need of a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Wow this is so bad. I seriously don’t care about work. I don’t want to
learn. I have no motivation whatsoever. I think I’m going to die of
maleducation.

At least I can have sex with Kerr.