Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole.

Lalala. Today was so ARGH. I’m so
finally accepting that this year is gonna SUCK. UGH. WOOT WOOT.
Well…The saddest part is…I don’t have time to write on xanga
anymore. But have no fear! I will find a way…arrrgh. *Sigh*…I
actually have a ton of work. BOOO. *Shuffles off sadly*

I’LL BE BACK. (hopefully)

Someone‘s making me smile again…And it’s almost enough to make me think…Dot dot dot.

And someone else is making me smile…but even more secretly…and even more unexpectedly…a sweet secret. But dangerous.

I’m still sitting here. Trapped in this elevator…

Help me up. I might fly.


Why the fuck do I hate school so much?

Here’s to the longest day yet…with the
biggest shitload of homework I’ve ever seen in my life…and spending
my ONLY free time talking to Amy on the phone for 2 hours. Yesss. I’m

Ugh. I’m gonna need to make another huge entry.

Teehee…Mr. Hindle is amazing: “If you have to stuff something really
big into a small hole….you just have to push realllly hard”….Um.
Ya. Please never speak again. Thanks.

Argh. AJ: “I can’t hold you because my hands are clammy”…ahahaha. Not
even sure anymore why we all thought that was so funny. Even the
Ohmster was cracking up. Teehee.

Today was possibly the most insane day of my life…and tomorrow is
gonna be like 4382902x as bad. No joke. I seriously think I have a
problem…because I NEVER do work. It’s obscene.

And it looks to me like I chose the right days to be sick…everyyyone was sick Monday and Tuesday…how intense.


Rob’s not very good at consoling. Huff.

It all returns to nothing.

Holy shit I had moodswings today like none other.

I need to go inject myself with “Why yes, of course I care about school” heroin.


I feel like I’m back home. I’m sorry…I was just having too much old
xanga layout withdrawl…it made me sad…YAY. I feel all warm and cozy
now writing on this old thing…woooot.

Ok. I think I have some serious issues if I’m this obsessed with my xanga…ugh. Whatever. It could be worse…

So the doctor tells me that I’ve got a bad case of “Too lazy to go to
school.” It should clear up by tomorrow…I thought it was
strange…because I only missed 2 days of school and everyone was
flipping out like I had malaria or something…I needed sleep. I’m sooo
not making it through this year. Ugh.

Well. I realllly should not be left home all day with photoshop. It’s
not healthy…Well here’s what I accomplished…they’re all really


I’m so not prepared…for anything. *Cry*

But I figure…that since I’ve now had 2 days of completely wasting
vast amounts of time…maybe I’ll actually start getting things done
tomorrow. Not exactly sure what kind of logic that is…but it works
for me.

I officially…need a life. Ugh. And I officially…don’t like people.
And I don’t like being a sophmore. And seniors bother me. And juniors
are sketchy. And freshman are such annoying little sluts. And I really
want to be in college. My friends are lousy. And selfish. And too judgemental. And…I am offffficially being stalked by at
least 24…people…ish type objects. And I HATE
Paul. Not only for leaving me here…but just the fact that he’s an
ass. Ya. It’s a fuck of alot easier for me to let go of him if I
disillusion myself. So in my mind right now…He’s a dumb fucking
drunk. And I’m through with him.

There. Now hopefully I can heal.

Don’t even try to fit me into a mold. Because I don’t fit. I never
have. Never will. No one was ever born to fit in. I was born to stand
out. Now all I do is sit alone.

Too bad I can’t ever face reality. I’ll sit in this elevator…staring
at my pitiful reflection…until somebody comes to get me.

Until I’m needed.

Huff. First sick day of the year…or rather…first day I was able to
con my mom into thinking I was sick. I’ve really got faking sick down
to an artform. It’s beautiful. Mostly I started freaking out yesterday
because I had too much work to do…which was sad since it’s only the
3rd week of school. I typically work best under pressure…but when
there’s too much insane pressure I just give up all together and get
nothing done. Ya so I caved…and stayed home “sick.” I’m really a
failure. It was good though…because I got to sleep all day…and I
really needed it. But I doubt I’m going to be able to handle the whole
year if I’m already being worthless. *Sigh*

Then…*gasp*…I was bored sitting around…so I actually read Catcher
in the Rye…which I have to say…must have been the first book I’ve
actually read for school…in years. Haha. It’s so sad. I didn’t even
buy most of the books last year. *Sigh*…well that’s my only other
talent, besides faking sick…not reading the books for school. I think
even I had the time to read, I wouldn’t…just so as not to break my
record…the funny thing was…Mr. O’Brien fully knew that I never
read…and didn’t care…he just let me sit there and doodle and never
call on me as long as I submitted random crap to the hun review. Mr.
Canuli was just deranged. Teehee…either way…Now I’m sitting around.
Hmmm……..I might as well go make myself useful…

Dot dot dot.

I always thought the phrase was rather overused and cliche…but
really…I would rather be hated for what I am then liked for what I’m

I will not sit down and shut up. I’m not changing myself for anyone. I
am not just a player in your game. I will not secede to your code of
social conduct. I am an individual. Take me or leave me. So what if I
don’t fit in the box? Who says I need to fit it…or want to fit in? I
will not become a clone. I don’t give a damn what you think of me. I
will not sit still.

I love causing trouble.

I’m stubborn as hell.


-Seeing Carissa in TGIF
-Morgan Arons in the Victorias Secret
-EMS hats
-Barnes and Noble sexxxx books
-TGIF…lighting everything on fire
-Spilling my drink all over Erica and screaming
-Snorting smoke….ah
-Under the table…AH.
-Squirting people at other table and making them leave
-Liting the thing on fire…
-Running from the security guard…kyle being a terrible person
-Hiding in the tree with a match…
-Massive lesbian…erm
-The fondling.

-fire fire fire fire
-too much food.
-excuse me ma’am
-lauren’s not allowed to talk to anyone ever.
-ohh stars!
-Jeremy…raping us all….WOOOOT.
-Christina and I making porn movies all night…woot
-Roasting marshmellows…
-llama love…
-aaaaand. SEX.

I love my friends
most of the time.

Especially when we’re on


that’s….opi-yum. <2 – my attempt to be a rebel

Just for this moment………
Life is


I’m having such an awful time at school. I’m really not having a good
year…I’m such a failure…It’s just because now I have all the
teachers that are obsessed with my brothers…and they all expect so
much of me…and I feel like I have to live up to these obscene…UGH.
The year started off first period with me walking into Treichel’s class
and the first thing he told the class was: Richard Suchenski was God.
Bryan was God #2. Let’s see if Lauren is God #3…Not funny. How the
fuck am I supposed to fill those shoes? Well I can’t. They both got
1600s on their SATs and go to Princeton. Bryan was the first and only
person at Hun to ever skip a grade. He should have graduated last year.
Richard was so…godly that once he took all the courses he could by
Junior year…he wrote a thousand page textbook and tought a class on
Philosophy and Ethics Senior year. Who does that? That’s beyond
overachieving. That’s Einstein and Ms. Ohm on LSD together. Eeek.

This is the first time I’m really disappointed in Hun. *Sigh*

Well. At least I’m in Anne Frank…that should be fun…teehee. MEEEEP.
The cast is fun and I don’t have that big of a part so I won’t be
massively steaming with nerves and fumes…woot. Yay. Ahahha Royce and Joe are hilarious. O baby.

Hmmmm…Well so today really sucked. As in…more than every other day
has sucked…I didn’t do…any work. And…erm…that wasn’t good…I
couldn’t pull it off like I used to…*Sigh* I can’t handle this idea
of “actually working.” Oh well. I…don’t have the time or the mind to
write everything out…so I’ll summarize…everything…well. Advisors
was hot…English was sketchy…Video…*sigh*…it was my last video
class. Then…French was ARGH TERRIBLE. Uh. Skipping the rest of the
day…ahaha…Campbell and Bob and Rob and I were reading anorexia
brochures in Chemistry instead of doing our work…it was intense…and
according to it…Everyone you’ve ever met is anorexic. SCORE. That’s
always a good sign…EEK. Then after school I stole the baby bottles we
were supposed to be filling with coins for community service and stole
someone’s random gatorade and filled it with it…hehe and wandered
around sucking on a baby bottle for an hour…I loved the stares. Alex
Latella spent 45 minutes staring intently at my sucking. It was
intense. Ahahaha Then Caroline and I called Dan Reiss….woooot. Haha I
didn’t say anything though. I love Caroline x48 with a remainder of 8
now. It was obscene. He officially has the most retarded
voicemail…I’ve ever heard. And he has the strangest voice on the
phone…teehee…like Warren. Dow. Wittle Warwen. *smiles to
self*…even so…calling Dan was like…*mouth falls open…falls
back…thud…breaks head open on concrete*

I left early…and got sick. Boo. So I didn’t go to ballet…and
then…didn’t do anything…I slept and watched Will and Grace. Another
wasted Friday night. Bah. I need a life. Well it wasn’t my fault this

So I’ve realized I need to write everyday…otherwise I never get
around to writing about that day…and then I feel like there’s
something I’ve forgotten…I feel…dirty…haha. It’s really
strange…I think I’m obsessive compulsive about writing. I feel like
I’ve got something stuck in the back of my brain if I don’t…and I
can’t stand it. The only problem is…I never have time to write
anymore. Huff.

I need to switch this layout again.

This year really better start picking up…or else I’m gonna have to
start writing more massively emo entries…and I know we don’t want
that. Teehee. *Attempts to smile*…there’s just no one to smile at
anymore. I don’t feel any drive…motivation…or any reason to
care…about school…or anything else. I’m not suicidal in the slightest
I just wish I had some inspiration…some real reason to live. The work
is hard…there’s nothing fun about school…even though school isn’t
about fun…It’s more I’m just not happy. And I guess happiness is
something I was always used to…I have a feeling that it’s just
finally kicking in..I’m really afraid that that’s it. That I buried the
pain so well…and now it’s coming back to haunt me. It’s been exactly
a year. I guess it’s true that I didn’t really deal with it…I just
dug a hole and covered over the tombstone with the words “Dan
Reiss”…because it didn’t hurt as much to lose Dan as it did
Dad…Because naturally I didn’t have the same emotional attachment to
him…but I tried to make up for that by spray painting ideals of
“love” all over it. I attempted to replace my real loss with something
that seemed to me so much more tangible…but really all the more
fabricated. Lack of love for my father was replaced with an intense
love for someone who was easy to create. Dan was just the
foundation…a shell from which I could derive something that resembled
hope…an attempt to resurrect a memory that was less painful. We
remember things the way that is most beautiful or convenient. What fits
most easily into this blueprint of our idealistic lives.

Woops. Tangent.

I was saying that…The people no longer carry any weight…once I shed
the need to belong in what is “socially acceptable”…I lost the desire
to…belong at all…to care. I no longer care what people think of
me…and thus…no longer care about…people…about the social
circles…about fulfilling society’s measures of what is acceptable.
It’s an independance I’ve chosen…but at the same time…a distance
from humanity. Haha I feel so Elphaba these days. I don’t care about
the people…not that I don’t love my friends…and have friends…but
I feel no great attachment to the society…

Ugh. I need sleep.

Alright. I have officially had enough. No more tears. It’s been exactly
one year since…the…cold sweeped in…and I’m moving on with my
life. So. To mark this
new life…I’m getting rid of the old xanga…*tear*…I’ve had it for
like…10 months…the longest I’ve ever had needs to go. And
I’m replacing it (temporarily)
with a hopeful one…*cheers*

Here goes.


Hmmmmm…what do I think of this layout…hmmm dot dot dot…

Ok. So I changed that one…I didn’t like it…I changed it like 18
times…this is the one I like the best…I guess…I just can’t figure
out how to make the stuff on the left not be…that…stuff. Ek. Here’s
the links to the others I was gonna do…Pick one.


For the first time since school started…I actually had a good day. WOOT.

I feel like I’ve finally made it.