Apparently Xanga premium has decided to give itself to me for free.

WOOT.

Apart
from that…nothing too traumatic to report. Except for the fact that
Lauren has suddenly been inspired to write…my entire summer…down.
For free. (This would be the point were all my intense stalkers cheer
and celebrate…Fe: *Cheers*…Everyone else: *looks around blankly and
assumes Lauren is being full of herself…again*)….apart from the
stalkers…and local posse…no one should really care…I just need to
clear my head of a few cobwebs…well…I guess here goes…from the
beginning…this may take a while…so bear with me as I update
profusely over the next few days. WOOT. And trust me. I don’t remember
nearly half the things that happened…at all. I just remember the
framework.

Let’s just say…that this truly was the worst summer…ever. Not because it was intensely depressing…but

Hmmmmmmm….*ponders back longingly in a daze…mist forms and clears*

I suppose it all started…or at least…summer winds began drifting in and intoxicating me…


Holy shit. There is exactly one minute of August left in this entry.

That’s flippin amazing.

I’ve just had a sudden burst of emotion…of memories. I really fucking don’t know what I fucking want.

HOLY SHIT. MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP ALREADY. LET ME BE FREE.

Unleash me. Take the chains off…because I can’t escape…you. Or…the……..past.

When will it start getting easier again? When will it ever get easier?

I so thought…I could…………fly.

….And I’ve just discovered…my wings are broken……again. And here
I am. Stuck to the ground. Stuck to you. Stuck to your memory.

WHOA? What’s with….When did all of the sudden I get…

PREMIUM XANGA?

OOOLALA.

THIS IS FUN.




I wonder how long this

premium xanga thing will last?




Just came to say…Goodbye love.

Ugh Ugh. Cary Shields is so fucking hotttt. Ugh.

O dear. I just saw Niall. Holy shit I’ve known that boy since I was six
years old. Ha. That boy has had more hair changes than anyone I
know…in my entire life. I’m not sure why…but seeing him brought
tears to my eyes…he was driving in his car home from and I was
walking to the car…he said “Hey”…so did I. And that’s it. Funny how
life works. The relationships…the bonds…mean nothing. My life…all
those things that mattered so much…ceased to carry weight. Niall is
truly…a part of me. I suppose he was my first crush…ever. I guess
I’ve liked him for…9 years. Who knows what now…we see each other
every so often. He was the first friend I made at Princeton Ballet
School…So…So long ago. And we were so close…and I have so many
fond memories of that boy. We were best friends for a while there…and
I never stopped believing we’d end up
together. Ha. He’s probably gay. But I guess…things fall apart. I’ve
had enough of this. We’ve grown up side by side together…silent best
friends. It simply bothers me how the two joined souls can part so
easily…I see him everyday at the school…but. But. He apparently
asks my mom how I am when he comes into the
store…but I don’t even…know him anymore. Funny. Everything changes.
I guess…time just makes me sad. Looking back. Looking forward. I
judge my progression in life by him. Just a silent development…I
guess we’ve both watched each other grow up…I don’t know if I could
stand him graduating and going off to college…He’ll be going in
what…a year? Why do I always fall for older guys? Shit. I really miss
that boy. I miss everything about him. I really think he was my first
love…looking back. What did I do? I should have…oh well. Now I
would be happy with just being friends…But I can’t
even…reach…out. Ugh. His face will haunt me…forever. Where do I
get these grand ideas to fill my head with? I can’t stand watching him
grow up…because I know…reflected in him…I see myself…growing
up. And this time it’s real.

Everything…in…my life. Is…so. Clear. And foggy. Blurry…around the edges.

I’m so silly. I’ve always been so silly.

At this moment in time…My emotions are drifting away from my body
steadily…I no longer feel like a human being…An intense compilation
of emotions mixed with an extreme lack of emotions mold me into a
nothingness of existence…Fully intact…but floating somewhere in the
abyss…no destination. And no sense of time. No past. No future. I
simply am. At this moment…nothing and everything is clear.

So I write. The desperate need to write has been growing on me for some
time…and as I realize I have not actually documented my life since
mid June…I have come to accept the fact that…as I see it…the
summer is gone. In many ways…It went
undocumented…unimportant…nothing is sacred anymore. The moments
disappeared into the winds…flickering in and out…like a
candle…until at once…all extinguished. So therefore I will not
attempt to document the entirety of my summer…for I think the fact
that I did not…helped me to let go of the essence of time.

Writing is simply the channeling of a mind into a connection of words
that bind an emotion together…I just wish I could focus enough to
write. Now that I actually have the time…I can’t seem to put my mind
to it.

What the fuck?

I JUST woke up. I’ve never slept in this late in my life…I
mean…with a normal night’s sleep…I didn’t stay up late…and I woke
up at 6:45…Seriously….what the fuck?

I woke up today and didn’t know where I was….

Emlyn’s gone.

Dan’s gone.

Paul’s gone.

Summer’s over.

I’m still looking for her…I want her to be sitting at the kitchen
table reading when I go downstairs…but she’s not. She fucking moved
to England.

Where am I going?

Today feels like fall…and I’m dreading it.

Let me be free.

ARGH. My world is ending. Rather..my world has ended.

Ugh. I’ll write tomorrow…just got back from Rent….mmmm…….sex.

Holy shit thats a long cast listing. Boo.

Heh. I finally get to start my summer now…*rolls eyes*…Party.

There are moments in life that knock me completely senseless…that
numb me to the core as I watch the details that define my world swirl
into oblivion. This is one of them.

I’ve never seen anyone be rendered so utterly
helpless…childlike…and terrified…yet soothingly strong in my
life. Especially not her.

At this moment…I’m not sure what to make of life…A blur of
emotions. A puzzle with the pieces all facing down. I don’t know where
to go. Or what to feel. Someone tell me what to feel. This life has
shaken me so…I’ve lost my sense of direction. I’ve lost my sense of
humanity. It’s moments like these…where I feel genuinly
alive…genuinly helpless…and ultimately in awe of the fate of my
life. The tide that swept in that quite literally washed everything
away as I dangled above, flipped on my head with nothing to hold on to.
Somehow…I don’t resent that tide. But wonder at it’s magesty. Cry at
it’s indignity. And stare blankly into it’s future. It’s been a ride.

What a day.

What a year.

What a life.

What an existence.

I seriously think I’m going to kill myself. My computer just fucking
crashed. And EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING I worked on for Emlyn for the past
2 months…and EVERYTHING else that was on it…is fucking gone. The
video was 45 minutes long. I’m going to commit suicide. Like now. I’ve
called everyone I fucking know to fix it…and Best Buy is shit. DIE
DIE DIE. I’m seriously so upset right now. On the verge of tears and
pissed to no end. Seriously…my life…for the past 4
years…disappeared.