I think it finally hit me. Again. I’m so slow.

Fuck.

She’s leaving.

Fuck.

I’m alone again. But this time…this time it’s for good. But maybe not…maybe this journey never really ends.

Cousins by birth…friends by choice…best friends by fate. Sisters for life.

Honestly…I’m not exactly sure if I can think of another person who so
wholly encompasses me. All of me. My entire being. Because she’s been
there…from the very start. From the moment I entered the world…she
entered it too. We took our first breathes together and plunged into
this rabbit hole together…holding hands tightly and hoping for the
worst.

There’s something about spending a
lifetime with someone. They start to grow on you. Ha. It becomes so
much a part of you. She’s so much a chasm of my heart…entirely
dedicated to her. I think…the past…few years…we’ve changed so
much. Rather…our whole lives…we’ve changed so much…but we. We.
Became. Something much different…something. The time and distance was
too great. But these past few weeks…looking back on
everything…reawakened me. To a time when everything was much simpler.
And she was a different being. And I was a different being. Softer.
Gentler. But very much the same. It really was real. Our lives. Us. And
now…she’ll be out of my life in a flash. But in some way…she can
never leave. She’s never left me…over all these years…we’ve made it
through so much…we can make it over an ocean. I know it.

It’s like the holidays…and overtime it becomes melded to you…so
much enrapturing your life. Your mind. Tradition. But she’s more than
just tradition now. She’s me. And everything I can’t express. And we’ve
missed so much. But we’re seen so much more.

No one…will ever really…compare…or replace.

But no. She will never leave. She will never leave this heart. These memories. These memories are forever.

I’ve lost…so much. It doesn’t really hurt anymore. The pain
has…succumbed to fear…outweighed by reality. And I face it. I faced
it all. One more thing I’ve dropped along the way…

I’ll never lose.

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Things that Lauren has decided “the gang” MUST accomplish before the end of the summer:

-The Beach
-Six Flags
-NYC
-The sexy campout in tents in VT

And that’s final.

*Currently dying of laughter over the sheer stupidity of my friends…*

So gullible. AHAHA.

I can feel my heart breaking…but for the first time since my heart
snapped in two…it’s a good break. A heart warming…hopeful, moving
moment where I can genuinly feel my heart bursting from the ribs. There
is always hope. I knew it. And maybe this is a lie…but at least it’s
subduing me. He’ll find his way back.

Because after my mom handed this postcard to me…and I was the only
one he wrote to in the family…everything seems a little bit
brighter…and the weight of the world seems a little bit lighter…

Postcard from Dan all the way from Taiwan (exactly the way it was written, word for word):

Hey Lore,

   How are you? I miss seeing your face everyday. Please
don’t think too ill of me for the past year. I love you dearly and
never wanted you to get hurt. I know I haven’t been there for you as
much as either you or I think should have been the case. Just know you
were never far in my thoughts. I have made many mistakes in my life I
know. I only ask that you be patient with me as I continue to grow.
learning is a never ending process Lauren. Never be anything than what
you are, and what you believe even if the whole world disagrees. I’m
not right, I’m only trying to find the way. Have a wonderful
summer.     
I’m sorry.

-Dan

I would have cried…But I didn’t want to smudge the ink.

The words are packed tightly into the confines of the card in his
slanted, messy handwriting I never saw enough of, scrawled on the back
of a jet black postcard depicting a mysterious black bird that appears
to be bought from a Taiwan Folk Art Museum. I won’t forget it. Never. Come back.

I…miss. My life.

And in this moment…maybe this is making the situation worse. Because now I can’t hate him. Because now…I have a brother.

Vienna waits for you…

God only knows how long I’ve waited for those words. How long we all
waited for those words. I guess I’ll be the only one to ever be blessed
with it…with this moment of tranquility. He’s too proud and embarassed to ever admit defeat to Mom or
Richard. But for me…it’s enough.

Thank you.

I know what you meant to say. I know it’s to everyone. And I know that
you could only tell me. But I know what you’re trying to say. And for
that…I am eternally grateful. They’ll appreciate it too. If they
don’t overanalyze it.

Now I can start rebuilding. Now I can start forgiving. And now I can start awakening. Start living.

He ran away. And found he can’t escape. There’s no where to run.

Running away, let's do it.
Free from the ties that bind.
No more despair, or burdens to bear,
Out there in the yonder.
Running away, go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care.. unless there's a 'where',
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.. different kind.
Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?
Running away, we'll do it.
Why sit around, resigned?
Trouble is, son, the farther you run,
The more you'll be wandering blind.
For what you have left undone, and more,
What you've left behind.

But I think he’s found it again. I want him. I want him back. I want my
Danny back. And I think he’s coming…with time. I’ve missed you.
Actually. I’ll be seeing you…

…Here comes the sun…

Hypocracy feeds on truth. Truth does not exist without hypocracy…and lies are spurn from truth as truth is relative to lies.

Go fuck yourself.

Everyone’s a god damn hypocrite.

I might just be a selfish hypocrite.

Bliss does not reside in truth. Bliss resides in happiness. Happiness
is created by the obstruction of reality. For without the deprivation
of contentment in our lives…our realities…we find nothing to reach
for. And
lies…fantasy…happiness…all one in the same. And in the end…it
doesn’t really matter. The satisfaction of living in a surreal world is
driven by the disillusion of reality. And thus…I am no criminal.

We all live in our little fantasies. Our little worlds. We all need an
escape from reality. We weave these webs all around until we are
entangled in our own traps. And there…at the crux of loneliness…we
find epiphany…in our own incarceration. Happiness. Man-made. And
brief. But true. The truth lies in fantasy.

Where the fuck am I? How the fuck did I get here?

Everything is clear now. Fuck. What a screw-up I am. And now I have no justifications. Not one.

Driving away from the wreck of the day…

My reality is beyond skewed. My reality. I hurt you. I’m sorry. I have no reasons. No redemption.

And it’s finally quiet in my head.

What to say? No lie can patch this up. And everything is so very clear
at this moment. What a bitch I am. Selfish. Arrogant. I was so blind.
No where to run now. Nothing to run from…nothing but myself.

What have I done?

Why.

When will I stop? I can’t…let…fucking….go.

And if this…is giving up…then I’m…giving up.

After a month and a half you’re no longer going out for pity. I only just knew what the reason was.

I just can’t bring myself to break up with him. I wish I knew the reason for that too.

I try to convince myself of the simple resolutions. But I know…I know
it’s something much more complicated than I’m willing to admit. And it
scares me… And so I guess I can’t let it go.

And the judgement is weighing down upon me so heavily. There’s no one to turn to.

So fuck you. You have no idea.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. And I’m sorry it was all fake.

…And I’m sorry I never got around to telling you the truth. I thought
it was bound to come out eventually. But as my life is clearly showing
me…the truth enjoys the pain more than the glory.

If I had to choose a way to die
It’d be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

The moon is shining so beautiful tonight. Full and bright. Like it should be.

In one word…this summer has been….restricted. Like watching the
suntise and seeing the glimmer of red pierce the horizon…but
hesitate…at a standstill…the great ball of fury never emmerging
from beyond the distance.

Being friends with certain people is like tramping through a swamp.
Actually….not so much…Yet every so often finding a penny to pick up

So all I’m left with now…Is empty promises and failed attempts to mean something.

And all I know is this: Nothing will ever be the same.

And in some vague way…it’s a good thing. And in some ways it’s absolutely devastating. Absolutely heartbreaking.

And that the future is unclear. But this is the only life I’ve got. So I better not fuck it up.

And I know that I haven’t genuinely written in a long time. Maybe it’s
lack of inspiration. But mostly, I feel too pretentious when I write.
And I don’t have the confidence or emotion to be too pretentious right
now. So I’m watching these moments rush by in the wind. Never once
marked or mattered. And maybe that’s just what I need. Now. To simply
be. And in order to truly let go…Let go of the urgent need to make
everything important. To make everything documented.
To…essentially…make everything eternal. I can’t let go if I refuse
to let be. So I will be. Simply be.

And I have a burning desire to live.

But maybe I’m sick of the sad songs. And the acoustic guitar strumming my heart strings to sleep.

And through the corner of my eye…I see your shining face…and I wonder…who are you?

 “Everything I said…Was just a picture in my head…” -Straylight Run

Top Two Conclusions of the Day (along with various others):

1. Martekuor Dodoo is the coolest person I know. Or will ever meet.
Scratch that…she is the Queen of the Universe. Officially. Hmph.

2. Today has been the greatest day of my entire life.

Alright…conclusion 3 would be that I exaggerate just a tad…HOWEVER.
Today has been…to say the least….INTENSE hahaha. And by “today” I
mean yesterday since 9 to right now. Rather…the past 24 hours.

It was almost worth all the pain from losing her…just to be able to
see her face again after all this time. No. It WAS worth it.

All the loneliness has been worth it.

Um. Let’s see. Where to even begin?

I’m almost tempted not to write about it for fear of sounding like an
obscene loser. lol. Not that I can ever deny that. Oh baby.

It occurs to me…I haven’t been this happy in…far too long. Maybe the ice is melting. Or maybe this is just a hoax.

…And I hadn’t laughed that…genuinly…since I was a child. Or maybe
never. I laughed from my heart. With no regrets. I used to laugh that
way with Emlyn. But that disappeared long ago. It was refreshing to
feel alive again.

“Heaven’s not a place that you go when you die
It’s that moment in life when you actually feel alive” – The Spill Canvas

Other conclusions include:

4. I seriously haven’t written in way too long. And it’s quite upsetting.

5. I’m way too addicted to music.

6. You are a shadow.

7. I hate my father.

8. Bryan and Yvon are beasts.

9. I love Jeremy Mantell.

10. I need to update…really.

11. My summer…along with everyone else’s…who promised so hard to make
it life changing…has been disappointing…to say the least. But
nevertheless…amazing.