I heart you Julia:

DESCRIBE YOUR..

Wallet – Oo! Duct tape one from Small World…oooo pimp that

Hairbrush – Dunno….black?

Toothbrush – Purple

Jewellery worn daily – Necklace for the
time period…lol (I wear one for like a two month period and then I
lose it…or it breaks…and it becomes meaningful …like…Fairy
necklace for MSND, Heart thing for WSS, Locket recently, Two rings for
Emlyn, and then a teardrop now)…my rubber bands with things written
on them (teehee)…my hun saddle (haha…I’m a giraffe…don’t
ask)…my ring from my brother’s fiance and my ring from my
momma…then the earrings change…but those be beastin too…it’s all
very complex…

Pillow cover – Ooo….colorful….

Blanket – Purple…and umm…soft…

Coffee cup – Uhh…they’re…cup shaped…

Sunglasses – …Black…

Underwear – None…didn’t I tell you I’m naked? Oh…that’s later…

Favorite shirt – Mmmm…that one…with…the….things…on it.

Cologne/Perfume – …Chocolate….smeared all over my body…

CD in stereo right now- Uhhhh…….*Goes and checks*…hahahaha Porno for Pyros (sry I coudn’t resist)

Tattoos – 52…all on my left cornea

Piercing – Ears…oh…and…well…we won’t go into that…

What you are wearing now – Nothing. Nothing apart from a slab of fiber glass insulation

In my mouth – teehee…you don’t wanna know.

In my head – Ummm…a brain? And…More Paul…and…*thinks*

Wishing – about Paul

Fetish- fetish? I have a…sex fetish….other then that…..Fee. What a beast. And…

If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what
reason? o dear *blushes*….hmmm…I can’t say her name
outloud…”Applause!” lol mwa ha haaa

Person you wish you could see right now- Paul. Definately Paul.

Is next to you – a lovely wall…*Pets wall*

Some of your favorite movies – Oh baby…where do I start…*Gets sidetracked while thinking*

Something you’re looking forward to in the upcoming month-
*Strips*…summer? OMG My brother’s getting
married…aaaah…and…EMLYN! The love of my life!!!!

The last thing you ate – my pantry…*Goes off to find more food*

Something that you are deathly afraid of – hmmm….*ponders*…let’s see…Bob…and…not living my life fully….losing you…

Do you like candles – ooo lala! Pretty light…

Do you like incense – mmm…scandelous

Do you like the taste of blood – hahaha yes…so ghetto

Do you believe in love – Above all

Do you believe in soul mates – Is that seriously a question? Hell ya

Do you believe in love at first sight – Do you know who I am?

Do you believe in Heaven – hmmm

Do you believe in God – *sigh*….Campbell?

What do you want done with your body when you die- waaa…I don’t
wanna be buried and I don’t wanna be creamated…sniffle
sniffle…maybe I’ll just be so deformed that they’ll have to just lock
me away in a vault

If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be –
uhh…Paul on a leash…and hahahaha slothes (im amazing at painting
them…those crazy kids)

What is the latest you’ve ever stayed up – All night…lots of times…lolol 3 ninjas kick back…YESSS.

Can you eat with chopsticks – o baby…im a chopstick mastaaa….you
dont wanna get near me when i got them chopsticks…ill go crazy kung
foo on u…

What’s your favourite coin – uhhh….who asks that? i guess…O man
them sacagewia dollars are mad pimpin yo…i gotta me some o them

What are some of your favorite candies – eeeek! food! good! mmm…candy is good.

What’s something that you wish people would understand – Me…life…beauty…love…romance….

What’s something you wish you could understand better- Life…Paul…Love…

Who is someone that you really wish was still around- PAUL. ….My dad….

So I was wrong.

I don’t think I’ve ever cared more about anything in my entire life.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my entire life either.

Everything…everything had been leading up to the moment. Building up
forever. And everything rested on this one fragmented hope…just this
one moment. And my last chance.

Nothing was really quite sad about it…it seemed rather…fine at the
time. And everything was beginning to fall into place. And I was
starting to believe that maybe…I could get over you. Or maybe…even
better…that hope was swelling and I was somehow starting to
believe…there was still time…there was still…love..and still
imagining scenarios…playing scenes over in my head….that everything
would end up like the movies and romance would prevail. And in the
end…at the moment of truth.

And why do I always do this to myself?

I can’t bring myself to write anymore…I can’t bring myself to feel…anything.

Regret.

Here I go.

For some strange reason…I’m not actually that sad…maybe it hasn’t
hit me…maybe I’ve just been dealing with it for so long…maybe I
prepared myself so well…

And I find…all emotion has left me at this moment. And I can’t bring
myself to feel anything…maybe because I’m afraid…but maybe just
because I’ve found the truth…this was only a matter of time. And
that…after all…life goes on. And that…truly…if it’s meant to
be…it will…and that…perhaps…

They save the best for last.

You know, the thing about romance is…they always get together right at the very end.

No. I’m not saying I have hope. I’m not saying I’m going to tell
him…at least not now…But the thing is…the moment has come and
past and perhaps…this isn’t a time to be sad…but gracious…and
it’s just…

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don’t ask why
It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

…And let it go. The best is yet to come. And just imagine…that I
should be glad that this chapter of confusion and chaos and restricted
love is over…and that in years to come…it will no longer be such a
boundary…and we can truly be the way…we should be…For…There’s a
place for us…Somewhere. And right now…it’s not here. So off to find
the real place. And leave this chapter of uncertainty and despair
behind…it wasn’t that peaceful…or glorious…

…But it was so worth it.

And here it is…finally…The moment of truth.

It all comes down to this one final moment.

It all returns to nothing.

“All the possibilty and promise…just weighs on me so heavily…”

So here we are. At this moment. Finally. And suddenly.

Everything…everything has been leading up to this moment. This one
moment…And I find…I can’t…I can’t. I must let the moment pass. So
many promises…so many…dreams. I may never know. So maybe it’s
easier to deal with regret then to deal with reality. Maybe that’s all
this was. And maybe I can’t do it know because I can’t face reality.
But maybe…because I just know it would be redundant. Because I
know…you know. You’ve known all along. And so have I. And this was
all a game…an intricate dance. And this moment lingers over
me…haunting and eerie and…here is life. Presented to me…and what
will I do with this moment? What will you do?

And all the “What ifs” and the hopes and dreams of this crazed young
girl finally relinquish their fabrication…The moment is now. The time
is gone.

Above all…though my heart is broken…thought I find myself shattered
and fragmented…disillusioned and distorted…demented…all I can
find in myself to do
is to thank you. Whole-heartedly. I thank you for everything. For
giving me the courage to pick myself up…for letting me dream the
impossible…and for setting ablaze a fire that I had never dreamed of
knowing before this moment. I thank you for allowing me to share with
you the greatest sixth months of my life and moments that can never be
replaced…or recreated. I thank you for letting me fall in love…and
truly fall with no regards to reality. It was the most important thing
that has ever happened to me. I thank you for the moments…for the
laughs…for the tears…the hopes…the awkward stalling conversations
whose empty spaces said a thousand words and filled me with such
prosperity I cannot begin to describe. You have truly been my world.
And for that…I thank you. And I realize now…that that was the
moment. It happened. Everything I waited for…wished for…dreamed
for…was happening right before my eyes. Unfolding in every faint
whisper…on every cloudy day…in every tainted hallway. That was my
moment. Our moment. Beautiful and shining and true. And to look back on
it would be too painful and to wish for anything more would be vain.
Now…I feel as if you’ve shown me heaven…you’ve cut out the stars to
show me the colors beyond…and everywhere I look…I see…so much
more. I see you. But I see the world glisten with beauty…and
hope…Hope for the future. Hope for love. Hope for me. Hope for you.
And I look at the black starry sky and I see only one
thing…assurance. For in this moment. We are forever. And in this
moment…I know. The moment happened. And it was beautiful. And it was
perfect. And you have blessed me in ways I can never repay…you may
have never loved me…but you have given me the strength to love
others. And maybe…far in the future…our paths will cross once
more…and you can truly see the stars with me…alone…the way
they’re supposed to be. And we’ll know everything. And we won’t need to
say a word. I don’t need to say anything now. No more pain. No more
tears. Now…all that’s left is gratitude. So thank you.

I acknowledge the truth and hide from the
future…but all I can do now is stare straight ahead and plunge into
darkness. It’s the only way out. So here we are. I’m letting go. Free
falling. And maybe you’ll be there to catch me…maybe you won’t. In
the end…maybe it doesn’t matter…maybe it never mattered…Maybe all
that matters now is this moment. And maybe, in the end…this moment
wasn’t meant to be recorded and documented…capsulized and
frozen…for it was never meant to be infinate…and it will never be.
And life is never infinate…and all we can do with this one moment
that is presented…is cherish it, life it, never forget it…but never
dwell on it. Let go. Fall. But never hit bottom.

And I promise I won’t cry.

Thank you.

And now you know. But then again…you’ve always know…haven’t you?

And in your eyes…for a moment. I see the world. And I know. I know
everything. I know you know. And that’s all I need. That’s all we need.

Let go.

And here’s to you…

So make the best of this test and don’t ask why
It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

…I did.

And I can feel my heart slowing breaking in my chest…snapping…every artery…in a brilliant and terrible catastrophe. No one was saved. And I realize now….everything. Oh yes. Everything is clear now. And everything is black. And everything is white. For you see…I’ve been a fool. Oh so much of a fool. It’s clear now- you have not a shred of love in your body for me…my a single glowing ember of passion…nor a blinding light of faint recognition. Nothing. Not a bone in your body quakes at my name. Not a single thought…feeling…care replaces my existence when I fail to remain anything but merely a shadow. No. Nothing. You don’t care. You’ve never cared. And it’s shattering my fragile heart. Pieces.

But I can’t live without you.

No time. Not time left at all. Not even for one more look at those eyes…or one more fleeting glance at the stars.

And here’s my confession. Pathetic and demeaning and not the least bit contrived: It was for you. Everything. It was all for you. Every last breath…every word spoken…all for you. The past six months…you were my life. You consumed me. You were there every moment. And without you…I feel nothing. I’ve lost emotion. I’ve lost heart. It was all for you. Everything. And you will never know…And you will never care. And it breaks my heart it two. If only you could know…

And god…If only you knew me. If only I could say the things I long to say…if only I could do the things I need to do…scream out the words I bottle up…let go of this deception that leaves me scarred. If only I had time. If only I could show you…everything…If only you could know…Everything. If only you knew me. Just me. And I knew you. All of you. If only…

And I was just starting to think that I could live my life without you…and then you ripped me open again.

Why do I do these things to myself? I knew how it would end. I knew. I knew all along. The bullet is fired and somehow she hopes…”It won’t hit me…It’ll never hit me.” And she’s just hoping. And then…in a sudden leap of faith…she starts praying. “Oh but I deserve to live. Oh, please save me…Please let me live. Oh it will never hit me. Pleace never let it hit me.” And soon after comes thinking. And all these plots are slowing formulating in her mind, conconting wild dreams, as the tiny little fractures fall into place like clockwork…and she’s got it all figured out. And then it gets dangerous. “It’ll make me happy…and it’ll never hit…and it will turn straight around on itself and kill deception…and doubt…and unrequited love. And everything will be perfect.” And all her heart is bent on it. And all her soul is feeding it. And all her mind is absorbed in it. And then she starts believing. And at that moment…she loses everything. All humanity is sacrificed. And then everything is gone. And just before she finally dims the light…and loses all hope for everything…the bullet pierces…Pierces her frail skin and drives straight through her heart. Straight through screaming redemption all the way past validation. And there’s never any blood. Just a wound. Just a gaping hole. And no one was saved.

Thus die I.

It’s over.