He could be that boy
But I’m not that girl

Don’t wish, don’t start
Wishing only wounds the heart…


Oh dear…SO much has happened…and I haven’t written anything. Huff.
June is slipping by…I don’t have a clue where the time is going.
Summer school starts on…monday!? Impossible. Let’s see
here…….I’ll start backwords…just so my mind isn’t so clouded

Friday: woke up and sam made me breakfast haha and then went to the
pool with sam and sarah allll day…it was beasty. I didn’t really get
that tan tho so hmph. But we had a beasty time and they got along
reallly well. Hahahahaha wow:


Are they pills? Are they….birth control pills?

Some…pancakes…and some…bacon.

Miles….OH BOY.


ahahahahha that was amazing…I had Giants In The Sky stuck in my head
all day and sam thought i was talking about vaginas…so then i made up
this whole long elaborate……inappropriate…..song…while we were
all in the shower…and then i hear these women outside and they’re all
like…ummm….you do know we can hear you? HAAHAHAHAHAHA wow. it was
so amazing. AWKARD. I heart the ice cream man too. Good times. Then
ummm….we took them home and stuff and then I wandered about…then i saw Bewitched and it was maddd beasty.

Thursday…wow…did this day acutally happen? wow I love how time
doesn’t matter at all during summer. OH YEA. Jeremy and Sam came over
and ahahahahaha it was soooo beasty “the porn and the rappers” AK! The
Midsummer Night’s Dream soundtrack!::: “I GOT BLOOD ON MY HANDS AND I
of laughter*…hmm….”Are you for scuba?” i love jeremy. jmo is my
life. sam is my whore. its a good life. AHAHA we watched Crossroads and
that is officially the worst movie ever. lol wow we had way too much
pizza. mmm then we watched The Notebook…best movie ever. and i CANNOT
believe that neither had seen it before. booo. wow. it was so beasty.
we cried and it was beautiful. awkward…then hmmm….sam goes to sleep
early…ahahahahaha we had a 4-way with leg and jmo and hahaha it was
amazing. until like 2….then i stared at the wall…made sam watch my
music videos…then slept…it was fun.

Wednesday: NYC!!! Wooooot. scoreeee. eeeek i loveeeee that place. its
just magical. I’m not sure why I love it so much…maybe it’s just
memories…maybe it’s just the hope…grandeur…but it always makes me
happy. He’s going to be so happy there. It was so fun…ate at
Ollies…got like 3 pairs of sexy sunglasses…wandered a bit…we
tried to win the Wicked lottery…but we didnt…met some people from
Michigan…lol…tried to do the Wicked cancellation line…but we
still sucked….and an evil guy started yelling at us…then we went to
the TKTS and got tickets for Fiddler…it was beastttty. good good. yay
i got my pins for all my broadway shows and i was happy. Fiddler On the
Roof was massively beastation. mmmm didnt get home till like
2….and…….then…..worked on stuff. oh baby.

Tuesday: AK! Spent all day on the train…drove to richmond with Em
then went on the train all alone for like 8 hours. hmph. tiring. wrote
alot. and hahaha got an amazing lapel pin…dont ask…ak…had to sit
next to some crazy woman…but apart from that…it was ok…got to
trenton and got Roy Rogers….*cheers*…got home…and i think saw the
perfect man….scandelous….mmm…..interesting day…

Monday: Oh baby! VA….Let’s seeee….Emlyn and I…finished Les Info
5: Sexless the Llama…the sexiest piece of shit you have EVER seen.
its actually really awful….what else…haha we worked on our AMAZING
clothes lol. We saw Batman Begins and it was madddd beasty. pimpin. ak
we also did an extremelyyy sexy Les Info photoshoot which is
unbelievably amazing. lol wow. we are mad ghetto. i really dont
remember alot of what we did….haha nice

Sunday: EEK. Busch Gardens=SEX. Fe=BEASTY.. AHAHAHA. Wow. Ok…sunday
is gonna take a while for me to write about…AK! there was…
-Feeee… so fe made me this book and it was the most amazing thing
I’ve ever seen…he’s probably the scariest stalker ive ever had. which
is saying alot.
-Da Vinci’s cradle…
-Emlyn eating people
-Snapping at black people…ah!
-A hunk of cheddar in Angela’s chips…chedddarrrr
-Amazingggg filming of rapage. And abuse.
-Fe’s panting.
Haha I have most of it on tape…but i still have to remember to write about it.

Ak. I should probably go get a life now.

Bryan’s getting home today…so I won’t be able to go on the computer
for a while…I feel bad for using it but…w/e mwa ha haaaa…im evil.
hahaha if he finds out…im DEAD.

HAHAHA Chris and I just spent the past hour on the phone reading
about roller coaster deaths…we are sooo sad. we have NO lives. its

Chris and I are gonna go to see Napolean Dynamite at some outdoor theatre and it will be beastationnn

Booo. I prolly wont b able to go on the computer for a longgg time
unless we buy a new one…so farewell…call me…i heart beasts. AND I


I am sooooo finding hot geometry guys to hook up with. It’s not even a
question. AK! Tomorrow is orientation…AK! Jack and I are gonna have
SOOO much fun together hahahah….ooo baby…im a tad scurred. but

ooo baby…this could be dangerous…but…………www.myspace.com/lesinfo…go there…if you dare…actually…I think it would be healthier/wiser if you didnt.

Whore. Amy’s gone. Sam will be gone on Wed. booo Rob’s leaving soon.
Campbell’s gone. Sarah’s gone. Emlyn’s GONE. Paul’s gone. Everyone’s
gone. BOOO. I officially have NO friends. huff.

At least Bry and Rich and Christina are coming back today…AKKKK that means people. Huff.

But Dan is never coming back. 2 months in Taiwan. I seriously think
he’s not coming back. Sadly…I think Bill could be right…he’ll
either be back in 2 weeks…or never back at all. WHY CANT YOU FREAKING

Adam’s a stalker too. Hmph. I’m really not that amazing that I should
be stalked by this many people. Mat is the ONLY one with a stalking
permit. And that’s just because I love you.

Waaaa Caroline needs to update…I miss her obesely.


Hopefully I’ll have the pics of VA up soon…until then…appease urself with the sound of my voice onmy answering machine.

Ohhhh ya….Caroline’s at ballet camp….ahhh it makes sense now.

Alright. So. Signing off. And hopefully I can return soon. And
hopefully I am one piece…for hopefully Bryan will not discover my
adultery. ❤

I have so much to write. So much to feel. So much to write.

The most horrifying moments of my life I can’t document. So I shelve it.

Well I suppose the summer isn’t horrid. Just quick. And diminishing.
And full of predicaments. (lol) And questions. And loneliness. I wonder
what the first Fourth of July with a broken family will be like…Well
we made it through all the other holidays…I think we can make it
through the last one.

The broken pieces are beginning to come together. And the colors are
slowly returning to the world. Vaguely. But I’m breathing again.

…But…I love you has become a question.

Fuck. I love you.

Ok I was bored…again.

given name: Lauren
x. gender: wouldn’t you like to know…
x. age: 15
x. date of birth: 5/16
x. location: hahaha i actually can’t reveal that…
x. marital status: married…twice
x. hair color: boo the red is fading. whore.
x. hair type: ugh the worst ugly type
x. eye color: green *winks*
x. skin color: ak…obscenely pale and decrepit kajela
x. height: *thinks* 5…..something
x. shoe size: 9
AOL Screename: aninnocentbanjo (hahaha i got 52 sns…i have NO life)

Ok for the moment…phrases=
ak…eek…boo and hahahaha tacofiberpinacolada (lol i love campbell
and em)…eek…i heart words.

x. language: uhhh japanese yooo
x. food: ak! food=sex.
x. drink: drinks=jmo=sex.
x. band: AK! hahaha Les Info (buy Sexless the Llama NOW.) no but really…i cant pick a fav. band
x. singer: hahahaha Paul. o dear. i need a life. *cries*
x. television show:  BAB 5. ED. (how many times do i need to say this)
x. movie: blek you suck man. these questions are too beasty.
x. pet: paul…on a leash.
x. animal: ligers…no something far cooler then that…like….Paul. what an animal
x. number: 52 BITCH.
x. telephone number: mwa
ha ha mine. its so beasty. 430-0430. i mean how cool is that? no but
chris’s is bitching too: 333-0111. ok actually maybe thats not really
that cool. just easy to remember. so i concede defeat. i mean who has a
fav. telephone number anyway?

x. holiday: mmm holidays…i mean. nvm.
x. week day: haha hump day. by far. *goes to hump something*
x. place: Emlyn’s womb.
x. weather: shiny.  squishy. yup.
x. flower: deflowerment.
x. scent: Emlyn’s…hm hm hm.
x. color: purple.
(even me! but in purple…i am STUNNING…alright…a total of 2 people
prolly got that joke…which is most likely 67 percent of the amount of
people reading this in total…)

x. store: hmmmm…….*ponders*
x. style: style? what does that even mean?
x. book: o dear. *runs away*
celebrity: um. im sorry…I have a life. wait. no actually i dont. but
i dont stalk celebrities…just people. wait ak. now im not making any
sense. let’s just go with Daniel Radcliffe and be done with it already.
x. dvd: a good dvd. a nice one.

missed the same sex: are u kidding me?
x. went to third: sooo not answering that question.
x. went to second: cha
x. had sex: haha *suddenly finds the wall obscenely intruiging*
x. gotten detention: wait…no i dont think so…but 2 work details…mwa ha ha i LOVE you jin.
x. gotten suspended: nope. but stupid campbell did. haha sorry for bringing that up. haha not.
x. got grounded: I am the queeen of groundings. so let’s go with yes.
x. cheated on someone: in…what…sense…*tries VERY hard to avoid question*
x. were caught cheating: …not….yet?
x. lost your wallet: booooooo yes. and it sucked ass man.
x. lost your cellular phone: hahaha do you know who i am? yes. dropped it in the toilet too lol.
x. spied on your mom & dad: uh…..*looks away*…doing…what?
x. were caught doing something wrong: everyday.
x. cursed at your parents: hm. i dont recall. oh ya. yes.
x. been in love: *sigh*…honestly now. who do you think i am? let’s just say yes. *sigh*
x. been loved: ek. who knows anymore.
x. used a friend: for sex. yes. all the time.
x. been used by a friend: haha probably everyday…im sooo smooth.
x. lost a friend: *cries*…why did you have to bring that up?
x. been cheated on: in poker. yes. many times.
x. been to the emergency room: i think so…i dont recall…i think i was unconcious
x. broken a bone: yes. clumsy me.

heterosexual: perhaps…
x. lesbian/gay: im sure you would love to know…*thinks of paul…o wait. no. no def not lesbian.*
x. somewhat attractive: hahaha no i look like a muskrat thats been run over 18 times…and then spat on.
x. depressed: ek.
x. in pain: …….possibly……..
x. worried: only about my possible pain…
x. in shock: always.
x. exited: o baby. you have NO idea.
x. happy: …are you?
x. obsessed: AHAHAHAHAHAHA. what a question. … *laughs obnoxiously and profusely for a prolonged period of time*………*gigglesnort*
x. a drug addict: you have no idea.
x. a smoker: i smoke emlyn.
x. an alcoholic: i drink jeremy.
x. a loner: haha………perhaps.
x. loved: only by the lack of love. wait. that makes no sense. wheat. fields of wheat.
x. hated: only by the lack of hate. AK. GET ME MORE WHEAT.
x. wanted: for murder.
x. unwanted: *cries* this is painful.
x. shy: hmmm…
x. bored: apparently so.
x. having fun: the time of my life. (note sarcasm in voice)
x. listening to music: ………….music=sex. i am having sex.
x. watching television: EVERYTHING=SEX.
x. on the computer: of course not silly. this is all a figment of your imagination. and sex.
x. doing homework: ah. my favorite pastime.
x. single: …awkward…
x. taken: …um….yes…awkward…

chocolate or vanilla: vanilla
x. dog or cat: both. sauteed. on a shishkabob.
x. sleeping or awake: what are we choosing again?
x. sunny or gloomy: sunny…unless im depressed. in which case…sunny.
x. dark or light: on what? VAGUENESS=SEX.
x. pretty or ugly: on what? def ugly.
x. wanted or unwanted: beastation nation. wait…what does this even mean?
x. burgers or hot dogs: sexless the llama.
x. sitting or standing up: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
x. computer or television: computer.
x. noise or silence: sex. silent sex.
x. boys or girls: what do u even meannnn?
x. virgin or non-virgin: haha. awkward.
x. slut or decent: sluts=sex.
x. nice or mean: mean. what the hell.
x. stupid or smart: this is obscene.
x. shy or funny: ly retarded.
x. rain or snow: both=sex.
x. cold or warm: beasty.
x. alone or companioned: obesity. actually i like being alone.
x. school or no school: why are you asking me such nonsense?
x. enemy or friend: ok. im done with you.
x. cat fight or fist fight: THATS THE FINAL STRAW.
x. gum or candy: frogs.
x. juice or soda: malfunction.
x. beer or cigarette: malfunction.
x. old or young: oh baby. haha paul.
x. boring or fun: boring=sex.
x. numbers or letters: WONDERFUL!
x. bath or shower: sex.
x. dry or wet: im wet. so wet.

wearing: nothing. except a bottlecap.
x. watching: the cardboard box.
x. listening to: the voices screaming in my head. no. actually. the moans of the people having sex next door.
x. staring at: porn.
x. eating: you don’t want to know.
x. drinking: you don’t want to know. trust me.
x. smelling: squirrels
x. tasting: wet hot american summer.
x. thinking: THINKING=SEX.
x. mood: huff.
x. worry: worry? worry.
x. taken/single: taken. ek.

you talked to: mat
x. you listened to: sarah
x. you looked at: ….bryan.
x. you smelled: gunther.(=sex)
x. you touched: when i think about u…i touch myself.
x. you hugged: joanna. (=sex)
x. you kissed: *ponders…avoids eye contact with screen*
x. had sex with: frex.
x. you instant messaged: JAXIMUM TO THE MAXIMUM.(this is only slightly stalkerish)
x. you were on the phone with: rob
x. broke up with: hahaha rob.
x. you lost: *sob* paul. no richard.
x. you missed: paul. *weeps*
x. you needed: everyone. everyone’s gone now.
x. you loved: paul. *yells incoherantly*
x. you wanted: jeremy. fucking. mantell.
you cried with: hmm…doh…little brothaaa…prolly chris at sams
house…orrrr…no…emlyn…no…myself…no the family..at the
wedding…nooo the mother…the night…that…no! caroline! over paul.
no. ak i cant think. malfunction.
x. you laughed with: hahahahahahahahahaha emlyn. ERIC. BROWNIES!
x. yelled at: O BABY. mwa ha haaaa…dont get me started.
x. who pissed you off: rob…i think.
x. who made you happy: my turnips.
x. who made you sad: oh everyone. paul.
x. who made you cry: daddy. or what’s left of him.
x. you said hello to: *says hello to monitor*
x. you said goodbye to: emlyn. and her loins.

go anywhere, where would you go: by paul’s side. to emlyn. to mat. back in time.
x. do anything, what would you do: make him love me. and fly haha. then i’d do it all over again. everything.
x. see anyone, who would you see: Paul. or Mat.
x. fly, where would you fly: to the stars. then emlyn’s womb.
x. have anything you want, what would it be: Paul. have it all back…the way it was. to have my heart whole.
see anything you want, what would you see: my life. the way it was
supposed to be. beauty. wonder. enchantment. again in my eyes. that
flickered out too long ago.

Huff. I need a life.

Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has…
But it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all…

And I thought I’d finally escaped you…then I saw you’re face and all
at once…I fell completely back in love with you…I could feel my
heart in my ribcage…melting…slowly…Your smile crushing my
faith…It seems I’ve passed the point of no return.

Uhh….Sorry I’m bored….this might be retarded…wow I have no life…this is obscene:

LADIES: Turned ON or OFF when a guy: (girls fill this part out)

dresses like a thug: o god off
dresses like a surfer: ek…ok
dresses like a prep:  hmmm….on i guess
dresses in all black: uhhh..in the case of miles…on
doesn’t care what he wears: mmm on
sings: on (AK im such a stalker)
dances: ON
plays a musical instrument: on (o baby blow the horn)
is skinnier than you: uh…on?
is bigger than you: uh…on?
is shorter than you: i dont really care actually
is taller than you: ek…on
has straight teeth: lol…on
wears braces: ek dunno
has chapped lips: haha wow this is amazing…uh….off?
has green eyes: EEEK! Green eyes are the BEST. def on.
has blue eyes: ummmm *melts*
has brown eyes: hm…ok
has shaved Head: off
smokes cigarettes: boooo off
smokes pot: uh……
wears glasses: awwww on
has brown hair: on
has black hair: on (AK PAUL)
has blonde hair: onnnn
is tan: hmmm…dunno…doesn’t matter
works out: eh…sometimes off
smiles alot:  ON ON
has facial hair: hmmmm…maybe on
has sideburns: haha so ghetto…dunno
has bigger feet than you: mwa ha ha….i dont care?
has smaller feet than you: fo shizzle
wears cologne: wow…i really don’t have good nostrils
smiles when you walk into the room: AK ON
calls you pet names: onnn (cough cough……bird….cough)
has blue hair: haha…*ponders*
wears makeup: oooo so sexy
plays sports: ek…not off….but….w/e
a bad boy: lol on
sweet talks to you: uh…..on?
has nice arms: hahaha…..what does that even mean?
has a job: o baby…i don’t care…
has dimples: aw on
loves being on the phone: on…
brings you presents: daww…on
makes you food: on
calls/texts you late just to say hi or i love you: on
drinks alcohol: ek dunno
wears girl’s pants: uhhh………..off?
wears tight pants: lol so hottt…off?

Wow. that was absolutely worthless…

here`s another survey !

*they call you; Lauren, Ren, Lyla, Banjo, Whore….Suchenski..Bird
*birthday; May 16
*height; dunno…5′ 9″?
*weight; dunno….130?
*hair color; haha right now it’s bright red…woooot! Go redheads!
*eye color; Green….score
*nationality; hmmm polish, english…bad people
*age; 15

*food; hmmmm….food………*goes downstairs to get some*
*drink; ooo…vitamin water woot…no i have no idea…water?
*song; EK. so many….let’s go with Hey Jude for old times sake
*artist; AK. way too many….
*color; purple
*store; Giselle
*mall; uh……King of Prussia…memories
*month; May….*cheers*
*animal/pet; my dogs…bichons….palmers better then wilson
*teacher; ooo……the ohmster…nd o’b, even tho he’s an evil woman hater…
*day; day? a good day…
*shoes; uhhh…..nice ones?
*site; xanga…myspace…nd i definately have a life…i just cant think of it right now
*clothing; um….good clothing?

*current grade you are in; going into 10th (ak thats scurry)
*teachers; …..emlyn.
*subject; english
*class; ohmster
*friends; mm….the lot of losers that stalk me constantly
*what’s your school; Hun

*greatest; ak! thats so hard…Mat
*meanest; uhhh …Rob
*best; uhhh…amy? all of them
*smartest; emlyn?
*closest to you; mat
*loudest; hahahah me…and sam…and sarah
*quietest; uh…sara
*coolest; JACKIE

woot…that was awesome


.: x full name- Lauren Victoria Danger Suchenski
.: x height- ak no idea 5′ 9″
.: x hair color- Reddd so ghetto
.: x real hair color- Dirty blonde
.: x eye color- Green…
.: x birthday- May 16
.: x age- 15
.: x grade- Going into 10th

.: x name of school- Hun
.: x grade- ak going into 10th you fool
.: x nicest teacher- uh….no one? zeig?
.: x meanest teacher- ooo…raiford…or…at least the craziest or the saaster…ak! NUSE…JONES
.: x best class- …ohmster
.: x best subject- english
.: x worst class- akkk raiford….history…and the saaster…garrr
.: x worst subject- history
.: x what do you think about PE or athletics? evil mannnn

.: x taken by who? hahaha…..rob
.: x for how long? …….awkward…..
.: x why do you like him/her? hahahahha…awkward….
.: x is he/she older than you? like…7 months… except the one i LOVE is like 3 years

.: x for how long? uh 6 months
.: x planning on doing anything soon? hahaha other then raping him…no

.: x drink- emlyn’s juices….shirley temple!!
.: x ice cream flavor- toll house choc chip cookie dough man that stuff is juicy
.: x smell- emlyn’s vagina…breasts
.: x sport- def….skinny dipping
.: x channel- uh……the channels in the bathroom stalls! when we were like 5 and emlyna nd i wud b…oik….nvm
.: x celebrity- daniel radcliffe
.: x memory- uh…the time i raped emlyn
.: x candy- emlyn’s lollipop…and NUTRAGEOUS…and butteringer
.: x animal- sloth. no. emlyn.
This or that
.: x roses or daisies- roses?
.: x cell phone or AIM- AIM RAR
.: x mall or movies- uhhh….ur mom im so clever….movies at the mall…oh!!! uve been pimped
.: x tv or computer- computerrrr
.: x cat or dog- both…mating…profusely….
.: x rock or rap- rockkkk
.: x water or milk- um….watery milk
.: x shorts or pants- PANTS. WE LOVE PANTS. I WANT TO BE IN UR PANTS.
.: x dinner and a movie or walk on the beach- how bout both…
.: x blue or pink- purple
.: x color or black and white- mmm depends
x friends or family- friends…assuming my family is no longer in
existence….UNLESS IT INCLUDES EMLYN…in which case……friends.
.: x baseball or basketball- baseball
.: x coke or pepsi- why do you always ask me this?
.: x bright or dark- …on…what? dark man.

how enticing.

Ak. I haven’t really updated in forever. Let’s see…the past few weeks
have been insane….Emlyn is currently “sick”…so I’m bored out of my
my mind…and hungary….

I’m determined to save me from drowning.

I’m not to be trusted.

Too many thoughts. Too many secrets.


It seems I’ve found my way back to loneliness. To desperation. And
finally…to peace. Emotion escapes me…and looking through the pages
of photographs embeded into my memory like some haunting film…and
hearing the melody beating within my heart…I come back over and over
again to the same conclusion…

Everything is rushing by and I find solace in the mere gaze up at the
clouds. Nothingness has enraptured me and I’m a prisoner of hope…a
victim of peace…

The summer holds great solemnity…and intense hope…

And to the tune of a thousand screaming children…I stand motionless
amidst a symphony of regret and I feel nothing
but…redemption…peace…and mere bewilderment.

Life has rendered me helpless to my own defenses.

I’ll be waving you goodbye until the blood stops rushing to my fingers…Waiting for you to turn around…

I’ve driving dead on into hell…but at least I know my way back…


Eeeek I haven’t been able to write in foreverrrrrrrr cuz the internet
is broken and ive been slowly dyingggggggggggg from the inside
out…..my organs are melting. aaaak crazy people! Let’s see….in the
past 5 days we’ve:

-Lost our minds
-Made a movie
-Been to court
-Married off a sibling
-Abused younglings
-Watched about 28 movies


Yea…It seems I can’t hide.

Another day I felt like dying.

And my heart is ripping out yet again.

Nothing will ever be alright.

Just think about him…what you’re doing to him…remember when we were
kids? And we used to wrestle on Christmas morning? And we used to run
around with the water gun fights? And we used to stay up all night
laughing? And we used to dream a thousand dreams? And you’d get all the
purple easter eggs? Yea…think of them…think of him. Then think
about what you’re doing. Doing to this dream.

At this point…it’s sort of become this malignant virus that’s
infecting my system…and I’ve gotten into this state where I can lull
myself into this false sense of reality…of safety…I guess I just
tell myself it’s not happening…or maybe I just tell myself I don’t
care…or maybe I fill the void with something that can make the thing
that hurts the most hurt second most…which would be where he falls
into the plan. Yea…that idea of love sort of dulls the pain…and
when the love hurts…makes the real pain seem meaningless.

Oh, but then the thunder hits. And all at once I’m shaken from my body
and back into the…present. Sometimes I don’t even remember it…but
it stikes me with confusion…like walking up the stairs and thinking
there’s one more step…but only finding nothingness…and in my
stupor…I find no where to hide but in nothingness itself.

I think we all choose to ignore it…in our own ways…it’s easiet for
me if I just let go of the happiness…to just sink into
nothingness…because then nothing hurts…And emotion is lost.

I’m not sure if I’ve even begun to deal with it.

Some nights I just sit at the top of the stairs and listen to them
yell…and all the sudden I’m four years old in a nightgown clinging to
a teddybear…because we’ve all been reduced to children…because
we’ve all lost sight of our humanity. And it hurts to listen but its
the only thing that wakes me up again. It’s so easy to fake a
smile…but so much harder to cry.

…And nothing makes sense…nothing at all…They’re screaming words
that don’t even make sense to me…and glass is shattering and people
are screaming. So I shut it out. I’ve shut it out for 9 months and it’s
not getting me anywhere.

So this is reality. I hide. And I don’t talk about it because if no one else knows…then maybe I don’t have to either.

It only hurts when I imagine the truth. When I start over and tell
myself these stories…it all sort of blends together in an intricate
painting where none of the colors form any shapes…but it’s still so

My father…what have you done?

My brother…where have you gone?

And Bryan stands strong and lets the words settle…he never was one for emotions.

And Dan has lost everything…I don’t know who he is anymore. What’s
worse then knowing I’ve lost Dad is knowing I’ve lost Dan…and that I
see more and more of Dad in him everyday…

Richard will never be the same. A part of him has died with the father
he tossed out and I’ll never see my big brother again…now it’s
Richard and Christina and all the future that they’ve got to live. I
can’t believe he’s getting married.

Mother…reduced to a small child. She has no where to hide…no where
at all. And she has been left with nothing…and all she can do is
smile. But there are days she doesn’t move at all…and I hold her in
my arms and sing her to sleep and I feel like she’ll die right there in
my arms…All she’s got is her heart and I’m too young to be a mother.

Father…I can’t think about you. So I won’t. It’s easiest to believe
that you’re dead. Because who you are now is beyond comprehension.

No one will ever comprehend the journey it’s been…but in some small way…you’ll never need to.

And it’s not anything I could ever explain…not to anyone.

It only hurts when I see us all together…laughing and singing…and
planning our lives for the better. Now our family is in pieces…torn
and battered and piece by piece thrown into the fire. It’s not even
worth remembering the past…it’s too painful.

So I got rid of the pictures. I got rid of the movies. I got rid of the
memoires. I got rid of everything that reminded me of them…and
started over. It’s easier to live with an unstable father that seems
like a nightmare then the real one gone bad…the real one is dead. My
father is dead. And…my fantasies are all that sustain me.

And all I’ve ever known is gone.

And then there’s you. And suddenly I’ve misplaced everything…and the
world is spinning round me like a fire…and churning with
mysteries…Today I found myself in 5 months ago…and I closed my eyes
and there was all this gleaming hope before me…just glistening with
splendor…and there was 5 months of time…and the world had not yet
begun to spin and I was merely catching furtive glances. And I
knew…when I opened my eyes…you’d be sitting behind me…jet black
hair in a mess and singing silently to yourself with a glazed look
slapped onto your vivid face…I knew. And I knew all of time had been
suspended…and all the world existed at once…And I knew you’d be
there…giving me one more chance…three more chances…eight more
minutes…and five more looks into your dark brown eyes…I see the
world in those eyes…the stars…the sea…the glowing moon and the
fading embers of your fire…I see everything. And all at once I know
everything. I closed my eyes and you were there. And just for a
moment…my heart felt full again…and everything became so much
clearer…In a flash I tore my eyelashes away from each other and all
the sudden my heart remain reassured…there you were:
Gone. No where to be found. Vanished just as quickly as you came into
my heart. And no…I’ll never forget you…But I doubt I’ll miss
you…I’ll miss the idea of you…the remembrance of you…but nothing
can ever replace you…and so…I have to let go. Let go of all the
things that make you into the man I adore. These feelings will never
truly leave me…but you have. Gone forever…and I never even got to
say goodbye. Maybe you were just to fill a void…but you evolved into
the greatest part of my heart I could know and the single most
important being ever to grave my existence. I hope you’ll always
know…and I hope you’ll think of me…Think of me…just once…just
once when something you see rekindles a fire that died out long
ago…just once when someone whispers the name “Lauren” in the back row
of the theatre…just once when you see a bird take flight…just
so that I cross your mind long enough to know how it feels to live for
eternity with the feeling of utter helplessness that I faced without
you. Just so I cross your mind long enough to remind you of how you
once knew a girl who loved you more than you could ever concieve to
love another being. Just so I cross your mind long enough for you to
remember…anything…about someone who will never stop writing her
name next to yours…but that you hardly remember the name of yourself.
And recoil of the thought of her laugh echoing through the
halls…parallel to yours…oh she’ll try to catch that laugh…bottle
it up like a firefly and watch it concede defeat. If you could just
remember for a moment…
I suppose…if
I could do it all over again…there’s not much I would change…But I
would treasure every last breath with you…I would stare into your
eyes for so much longer and I would touch your soft skin at every
chance I could…and most of all…I wouldn’t make the same mistake of
ever letting you go…not that I can…the only thing that I
regret…that I can let myself regret…is watching you walk away…in
the rain…and watching you shrink into the horizon…And knowing I’d
never see those eyes again…and just standing…letting the rain beat
into my soul and drench my heart…my hope…and knowing that this was
the last chance…and every step you took was one more I’d have to face
alone…entirely alone…and yet…just standing…watching my life
fall apart in one simple stroke…Yea…that’s what eternity looks like
to me.

Would I have told you? Or do you already know…

In all that’s happen…I still find hope.

There’s not a second that goes by that you don’t control my
thoughts…and even though I know you’re gone…I can’t help looking
for you…everywhere…looking for your car…just in case…looking
for your hair to stand out in the crowd…just in case…looking for
your smile…just in case…looking and sitting and waiting…because
after all…the memories are all I’ve got left now. And I’ll sit and
wait for you for the rest of time if that’s what it takes…because I
know…you’ve got to come back.

In five days my brother is getting married…and then I will truly be alone.

Please don’t walk away…

So I’ll smile for one more yesterday. 


the magic of our first love is our ignorance that it will never end.

» i can’t remember life before his name…

i will ALWAYS love the FALSE iMAGE i had of you

         looks grab
you    *
but it’s personality
which holds you

¨`·´¨:* i wanna grab you
 `·.·´:¨`.´¨: by the arms
 -:|:- `·.·´ and kiss you so hard

you`re the single-most important being to ever grace my existence.

you’ve done it, you’ve made me
start to fall in love with you.
i’m sitting here crying because
i’m so scared. but at the same time
i’m so happy i’m falling in love with you.
you’re the person i’ve waited for all this time,
the person i’ve looked for all my life
and when i least expected it you walked into my life.
you listen when i talk, are there when i cry
and you made me finally smile. i’m crying for
the last time i hope, and i trust that you won’t hurt me.
it’s so hard for me to trust guys, but you’re
worth it to me. so, here’s my heart, see all the
little cracks? they’re pretty small and healed
nicely, but you, i know, that you’re the one that
could make it completely shatter. promise me you
won’t, please, promise me you’ll love me forever
and that you won’t break my heart. even if you
can’t promise me that, i’ll give you my heart anyway.
cause i know that if i don’t i’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
you’re the only person who is necessary in my life.

              i wanna be that girl he’s  s c a r e d

  to lose;;
    the one where he [ can’t ] walk away fromm
   knowing shes mad at
him             the
one he’
                      – – – – – -» wouldn’t know what to do without

my love is like an ENDLESS R0AD
        no matter how far from me you are
   MY L0VE can come to you.

i`ve . found . the . heart . that . beats . with . mine

love can tear and rip you apart…
but if you’re very lucky, it’ll put you back together.

if he only knew how much i wanted him <333

i know you, i walked with you once upon a dream.

i took a risk …
i took a chance …
&&something in my heart tells me i never would of known love if i never met you.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me ❤
so won’t you kill me, so i die happy.
my heart is yours to fill or burst
or break or bury
or wear as jewelery,
* whichever you prefer
—  dashboard confessional

we often ignore those that want us
and crave for those who don’t

I just don’t want anyone
else to get the chance to
realize how wonderful you are.


She paints on her cute synthetic personality
Wasting all the hours on the things she’ll never be

Learn from your past, move on, grow stronger.
People are fake, but let your trust last longer.
Do what you got to do, but always stay true,
and never let anyone get the best of you.

lets drive into the sunset, sing love songs. we’ll make
unkeepable promises & swear we’ll never love anyone else

You say hello, Inside I’m screaming “I love you”
you say goodnight, in my mind
I’m sleeping next to you
you drive away from my car crash of a heart
and I don’t know anymore

Broken hearted I push you away
I wish I had the guts to ask you to stay.

What are you holding out for?
What’s always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?

If it can be broke then it can be fixed, if it can be fused then it can be split

i love the way his voice sounds… its like the secret password to my heart

& letter by letter, he types the sadness into her heart

We came together, but you left alone.
& I know how it feels to walk out on your own

love is like dominoes..
one wrong move and
everything you’ve worked for..
falls apart

All my life I thought I needed the perfect setting, the perfect opportunity, & the perfect way to tell someone I love them, but suddenly I realized I dont need any of that because I know it will be perfect as long as I’m saying it to you

scars are like tattoos but with better stories

i used to believe in us when times got tough
lately i’m afraid that even love isn’t enough

 she has eyliner running from the tears she cried and she looks in the mirror and whispers “he will never love me”

before i got to bed i turn on my radio
nd listen to a song that reminds me of you*
i feel like i lost everything when you’re gone
left remembering what it’s like
to have you here with me
i thought you should know, you’re not making this easy.

everybody swears we make the perfect pair

just an old love song, just a mention of your name & my heart breaks in two, i guess some things never change

I cant always be waiting, waiting on you
I cant always be playing, playing your fool

am i not pretty enough? is my heart too broken?
do i cry too much? am i too outspoken?
don’t i make you laugh? should i try it hardeR?
why do you see right through me?

For once instead of telling me reasons why i shouldnt cry &just actually pay attention to the reasons i am…

I’m afraid that i’m not enough for you and I never will be and if I do this, you’ll realize that you’ve grown way beyond me and I’m just gonna lose you again.

Hearts have been broken
have been cried
have been spoken..
only to be broken..

Don’t fall for the guy
with the gorgeous eyes
until you have learned
What lies behind them.

If the walls in the room could talk
I wonder to myself would they lie…

He doesn’t realize I’m even there..
I don’t think he ever knew how much
I truly cared.. I guess the saying is true;;
Hearts are broken every day.

He’s one of those guys that you think you have a chance with. The
way he looks at you, that smile he gives you. That laugh he only laughs when you’re around. He’s one of those guys that you finally realize you don’t have a chance with until it’s to late.

I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic. You bring that out in me.

Some of us wouldn’t be lying if we said we’re trying too hard.

My dreams tell me secrets. My mind tells me lies.
My heart screams for help. My eyes only cry.

Remembering you is easy
I do it everyday
missing you is the heartache
that will never go away


*A broken heart is when you actually
refuse to get out of bed in the morning because you are afraid of the
reality that awaits you.*
*A broken heart is when you think about
the individual that broke your heart constantly. You reminisce the
“Good Times” almost as if the “Bad Times” never existed.*
*A broken heartis when you are crying yourself to sleep every night and yet crying more and more each morning.*
*A broken heart is the unforgettable smell of his shirt that sits in that empty box; stowed away.*
*A broken heart is the cold shattering feeling you receive when you hear the syllables of his name.*
broken heart is glancing at the pictures of the two of you, and then
quickly turning your attention to something else, to avoid your tears.*

*A broken heart is re-reading his ancient letters and putting away the jewelry that he once bought for you.*
broken heart is secretly wanting to run back to him and secretly
wanting to just be loved by him again.* *A BR0KEN HEART is asking
desperately for just one last chance with the only person responsible
for your loneliness.*
*A broken heart is pretending to not care what his friends are saying about you.*
*A broken heart is forcing yourself to hang up the phone after you have dialed the first three digits to his number.*
*A broken heart is screaming and begging for a second chance inside.*
*A broken heart is the emptiness and heart-wrenching feeling you encounter when you see him with his new love.*
broken heart is knowing that no matter what you do or say to yourself,
you can’t fool your heart into believing that you will in fact “Be
*A broken heart is seeing him and even though it may be
the hardest thing that you have ever had to do but, you decide to walk
*A broken heart is listening to that one song that makes you break down, over and over again.*
*A broken heart sometimes means: Not wanting to go on.*

Running with scissors wasn’t smart
I tripped and cut open your heart
I didn’t mean to, but I seem to
Have pushed us back to the start

& you know what the hardest part is? That now,
when i cry, i don’t even try to stop my tears because
i know they’re going to fall no matter what.

In this moment that we both ignore the truth:
it’s all over.. It’s all over.

She keeps her secrets. Tries to hide her past because everything lately has gone way too fast

You’ve got this silly way
of keeping me on the edge of my seat

 I think we bump
into each
other just so
that we can feel something

It’s your hello that keeps me hanging out to every single word and it’s your goodbye that keeps me listening for your voice behind each corner. <3

Dear heart, I talked to him online today. And he
doesn’t even know how I feel. And I don’t know how he feels. I don’t
even know if he likes me as a friend. But HE IMed ME! And that makes me
feel awesome. The littlest things he does just makes me all jittery
inside. Maybe just maybe, he’s the one who won’t break you.

Signed, Girl in love

No camera could ever capture
the look in her eyes when he
smiles at her.

(haha i like that one)

Well, what am I supposed to think?
You’re like the king of mixed signals. One
you can’t stand me. The next day you
can’t get enough of me.

Take a look behind the make-up and behind the fake smiles,because only then will you see. Look past the outward appearances and into my heart and you will see the real me. Look past the bruises and the scars…and all the things I do.And forget all the things you thought you once you knew. Don’t remind me of my mistakes and of my fallen tears, don’t tell me about the things I lost throughout all these years. Take a look inside..take a look and then you will realize…I’m not the girl you think I am, all I hope is that you really give a damn…Take me away from here, take me away so I can tell you my true fears…I’ll tell you about the thoughts in my head, and how I no longer feel dead…Take me away and never bring me back…Please ignore all the qualities,to you,I seem to lack. Forget all the bitterness and all the rage, must I remind you that you let me out
of this so-called cage. Try to look past all my insecurities and all my
lies, please look away from these unworthy eyes. Please leave your
comfort zone, for you I’ll let the real truth be known. Thinking of my future without youleaves me breathless, I get too scared to even speak. So let’s leave the problems all behind…let our future as friends unwind …but take me away today, bring me back on a better day.

When your thoughts revolve around him & he’s
the one you feel the happiest with.. there’s just
that something about him you don’t see in
other guys.. And when you’re not with Him, the
only place you want to be is in his arms..

Every time I see your face… Every time you look my way… It’s like it all falls into place and everything feelsokay

 You need me like a bad habit // One that leaves you defenseless, dependent, and alone

You’re taking up all the space in my head
with all the things that we could do. and all the
things that could be said. it’s hard for me to try
and understand the way i feel about you & the
way it made me feel to hold your hand

Thinking back before him….
I never knew the meaning of alone

you know what i want . just once
i want to be someones reason for
waking up someones reason for
going through another day , just
one time i want to be the one
being wished for. the one who
makes a guy say im so lucky to
have her , to put it simply ; i want
to mean to somebody what they
m e a n to me

I bet everyone else can look
into your eyes a million times
never see what I see in you.

There are millions of people in the world, but in the end
it all comes down to one. I still panic sometimes && `’
forget to breathe. But I know theres something beautiful
in all my imperfections, a beauty that held out for me to
see && a strength that can never be taken away

you stare at him a lot.
– he can always make you laugh, nmw.
– you can tell him anything in the whole world.
– you always seem to find yourself thinking about him.
– when he’s anywhere near you, you have to be with him.
– you go crazy over every little thing.
– whenever your with him you can’t help but smile =)
– he stares back.
– he always has to make you laugh.
– you always seem to make him laugh too.
– whenever your around, he’s with you.
– he call’s you any chance he gets.
– he touch’s you whenever he gets the chance, even ifs its just a little touch.
– he picks you over hisboys
– he lets you know he cares about you, he finds ways to show you.

Do me a favor. Watch what you say around me. Maybe you’re too blind to see it, but I’m still in love with you.

It’s when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you’ve made it.

obstacles are put in the way to see if we really want something . .. or just thought we did

it’s gonna get bad before it gets better
you can cry and cry but he still won’t call
it’s gonna get sad maybe even sadder
but you’re not over the heartache
you’re still under the fall


your like a cough on a rainy day. the kind that gives you chest pains

Tell me how It feels. How it feels to know you’ve broken my dreams. Left my heart shattered on the ground. How does it feel when you look at me. When you laugh with me. How does it feel. How does it feel to know you’re the reason I cry. How does it feel to know that every smile I flashed at you was a lie. How does it feel to know You’re the reason im lost, alone, and uncertain. I wanna know how it feels. How it feels to be Y. O. U.

take my hand, break my stride
make me smile for every time i’ve cried

 i must admit i don’t understand why i lose my head holding your
hand.. there’s no explanation, no simple excuse for this intoxication i
feel around you

I’m staring at your photograph, remembering each moment you made me laugh. I never thought this would end this way and I’d still be miss you to this very day.</3

One of the worst feelings in the world
is knowing that that special someone
is still in your heart;; but you`re not in theirs

. I will hide my broken heart beneath a laughing
. And though you’ll think I never cared, no one else
can take your place

So fuck you and your untouchable face and fuck you
For existing in the first place. And who am I, that I
Should be vying for your touch? Who am I? I bet you
Can’t even tell me that much.

Because when I talk .. He listens.
he’s my drug and yes, I’m addicted.

i bite my tongue everytime you’re around.
Because bloode in my mouth is better
Than tears on the ground.

 the past is annoying, showing up in everybody’s
words, every song you hear, every block you walk; but you never want to
get rid of it because of one point, it was where you wanted to be.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down, probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing so fast… So. Take too many pictures ;; laugh too hard ;; and love like you’ve never been hurt because every minute you spend mad or upset is a minute of happiness that you’ll never get back.

You know it’s changing and it’s breaking your heart. There’s nothing you can do, except watch it fall apart.

and she waits for him to sign on

remember when we used to dance
everyone wanted to be you & me ..

Take chances . Be young . Go crazy .
Drive fast . Kiss slow . No regrets.

its amazing how someone
can break your heart
and you can still love them
with every p.i.e.c.e of it.

You’ll never be old & wise if you were never young & crazy

Sleeping is my favorite thing to do because i love to dream. When i dream i go to a far away place that is beyond imagination.. A place where i am with you.

Somewhere between all our laughs… long talks… stupid little fights… and all our jokesI fell in love.<3


a pad of paper and a black ball-point pen she starts writing poetic words again. words that fill the mind the soul with comfort. tracing through the lines of the scars on her ripped and torn emotions and soul. if she begins she may never begin to stop. she hopes there is enough paper to express what she`s thinking & been feeling for quite sometime now

i hate the way i can never stop caring about you


dear heart,
when i see him in the hall, please stop ‘beating so
quickly. *&&and do tell my knees to quit s h a k i n g
when he speaks; &my stomach to stop turning each
time he signs online. ..that can`t be very healthy


Natural Highs
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake (or vanilla!) (or strawberry).
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The beach.
18. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies
and drinking your favorite hot toddy.
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can
sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some
things (good or bad) never change.
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a
much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and
being grateful for another beautiful day.

unconditional love — love without a limit

why does tonight have to end? why don’t we
hit restart, and pause it at our favorite parts.

&&soon i know i’ll wake from this dream

i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you

it only hurts when im [breathing]
my heart only breaks when its [beating]

Who am I kidding? It wasn`t meant to be.
I needed a believer and you, you needed to believe.

Maybe the reason we try & hold on to things so tight is because we’re scared they’ll NEVER come again.

And you stood at your door with your hands on my
waist and you kissed me like you meant it
&& I knew that you meant it

You sit there and smile at me and I
wonder if you’ve ever smiled
like that at a n y o n e e l s e.

What a perfect crime.
If I stole your heart ; and you stole mine


put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a
pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
– Albert Einstein

calling it a simple school girl crush was like saying rolls royce was a vehicle with four wheels; something like a hay wagon.
she didn`t giggle wildly and blush when she saw him, nor did she chalk
his name on trees or write it on the walls of the kissing bridge. she
simply lived with his face in her heart all of the time; a kind of
sweet, hurtful ache. she would have DiED for him.

Maybe the reason we try & hold on to things so tight is because we’re scared they’ll NEVER come again

I thought I didn’t like you, but when
I’m not with you that is so easy to say. But once I go back to school
and saw you, I see all the things that made me like you in the first place.


True love is when you can’t describe what you like about him.. </3

and latley she’d say anything to make him turn his head… anything to make him laugh and look at her.

 Do you ever just get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You dont want to smile, and you don’t want to fake being happy.
But at the same time, you don’t know exactly what is wrong either.
There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand.
If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People
have stopped being comforting.. & being alone never was. At least
when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong and
there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You
feel the way you do just because–you hope the feeling will pass soon
and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait..

It kills me to know you’re online
and you won’t talk to me..it’s just time
i realize that i don’t mean anything to
you.. and never really did..

sometimes I wish I could just grab him, shake him, & make him realize how much I want him back. but now when I see him smile i`m more ready to cry than smile too, because I want him so bad it hurts.

he has no idea whats goes on through her mind ; ‘.
she’s so good at pretending
he will never know how many tears are fallen each
night for him nor the endless hours that she wastes
thinking about her last chapter . . .
that she completely ruined

the sweetest sound of all
is that of your own name
spoken by the only boy
you care about…….. ❤

& she tries so hard to make herself okay ;; prays to god she`ll get over him one day

Cinderella didn’t have to go through this shit

so he smiled at her today in school
yet she just wanted to b r e a k d o w n
all the memories just flood back so quickly
you almost wish they were never there

I hate myself for wanting you

It’s hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen but it’s even harder to give up when you know its everything you want

She knew better, but her crazy heart didn’t..
It always broke, no matter how hard she tried to protect it..

True love is when you can’t describe what you like about him.. </3

Tank tops flip flops ice cream sweet dreams
late night pillow fightssun tan game plan
light hair no one cares feet in sand
lemonade in hand
— Summer 05

life is made up of years that mean nothing
and moments that mean it all

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place,
suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace,
suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste,
it all revolves around you.
–» moulin rouge

i can`t talk to you anymore. it`s not that i`m mad at you. it`s just that when i talk to you i realize how much i love you. and when i realize how much i love you i realize i can`t have you. and that just makes me love you even more

 Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past,
stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisly
how we’feel, stop deciding with our minds exactly
what we want our hearts to feel, sometimes we
just have to go with the flow and just enjoy life.

She stands before the mirror looking into the glass
The makeup she wears… hides the secrets of the past

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong.

This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times.

This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention.

This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word.

This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the rite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love,
but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on.
For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by
a night of catcalling, rude L0VESzs and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced.

This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.

This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt.

This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted.

This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing – – we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This
isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel
shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best
friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.”
You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend – – but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)