Sometimes I look around me and realize it’s actually real. We’re
actually doing West Side Story…it’s…unbelievable. I’m going to DIE
when it’s over. Ah! It means so much to me. And we’re half way through!
NOOOOO! *Dies* OOOMG i reallly want that blue dress….SOOO badly. So
rehearsal was soo fun and Cool is the coolest thing ever (teehee). I
love EVERYTHING about it…the people, the music, the dancing…EEE! I
pray it NEVER ends. Anyway…we finished Cool AND Dance at the
Gym…YES! Fun fun in my noodles. (peace up, a-town down…toot toot)

Alright so let’s think…today was…THE GREATEST DAY IN MY ENTIRE
LIFE! And I cannot disclose why…But…I’m…going to die. Fate was on
my side again today…Maybe things are heading up…because everything
seems to be going my way. Every moment today was perfectly
crafted…it’s incredible to comprehend. There aren’t words…

Well so today was kind of strange…It was like negative degrees in our
house cuz the radiators broked…so my mom called me in sick…and I
didn’t even know it…so I woke up at 12 and was like…what?
Anyway…good times. My mom’s so weird lately. But I got sleep so that
was good. But then I didn’t want to miss rehearsal because I heart it
so much so I got up…took a shower…and went. *Cheer*…I’m so glad I

I heard I missed alot today…Boo. I haven’t started on O’Brien’s
outline. Oh well. I have alot of work to catch up on
actually…Plus…I’m glad they didn’t have Hun TV today because I’m
gonna look like a WHOREEEE and it’s gonna be so embarassing.
Anyway…they got the heat fixed now so I don’t die. My face was frozen
together…It was sad.

I love you all.


I write so much these days…I just can’t help myself.

Mat BETTER come up for West Side Story or I will carve her insides out with a spoon…and eat them…with jello. Hmph.

Anyway…Today was amazing. I’m like ecstatic. And ya…I’m really
weird. Now I have to do a shitload of hw and DIE. Ok…See ya on the
other side

A-Town Down.

~ L ~

YES! IT IS RETURN!!!!!!!!!

stupid xanga was down. hoe.

As I said…I haven’t updated in forever. Lets seee here….quick over
view of my extrrrrremely exciting life…ready? this is gonna be good
(NOT REALLY…its really boring so dont read it if u have anything
better to do with ur time):

Wednesday: Campbell that little HOE stole my letters. GR. I don’t
really remember what happened the rest of the day. I was mad at him.
After school was weird…hung out with some people…people are weird.
Didn’t go to rehearsal. Finallllly went to ballet…hated everyone
there. Got KICKED OUT….AGAIN! God Jennifer. lol. went home and
bitched to campbell. sry bout that…not.

Thursday: Missed the first few periods due to…something. Then
was…bleh…i really dont remember what happened at all. this is why i
shud update and not forget everything. i prolly updated my webshots a
whole bunch…theres like 111 pics now…It’s really quite disturbing.
I think I also made Rob, Bob and Warren’s xangas. O baby. after school,
had a fun rehearsal…i think we did act 1 and
stuffness…dinner…then dougs class was beastin. tiring. but beastin.
ed and caroline broke up and it was sad.

Friday: day was…interesting…peer leaders…didn’t do my bio
presenation on condoms so im going monday…yup. then REALLY fun
rehearsal, we did Cool and i learned WAY too much about Mr. Zeigler and
Dan. ❤ him. Cool is really fun but I cudnt dance that day. then to
amy’s house to get ready…but amy and sara were poopers for the
beginning. christina made a xanga. amy, sara, christina and i had fun
getting ready…yay…i looked like a whore. ummmm….then…..EEK!

Good god formal was soooo fun. I wrote a REALLLY long entry about it on
my livejournal so I don’t feel like retyping it again. Let’s just say I
wasn’t an innocent banjo. anyway, i had no expectations for the dance
so it was surpisingly amazing. highlights:

-dance off…oooo baby…i soooo won
-brian got the loudest cheer wooo
-tango partners: jmo and choi
-toxic, naughty girl, baby got back and hey ya
-EVILLLL ppl who play certain other ppls songs…shame on u
-ummm…being a whore….
-hahahahaha things which i shall NOT disclose about a certain feminine….thing
-being sandwiched and evil Zeigler chasing me around with the camera
-brian looked like a bartender lol
-miles and his hot shirt:

AnInnocentBanjo: i liked ur…shirt
MRKfireworshiper: hahaha before or after i took it off
AnInnocentBanjo: lolol
AnInnocentBanjo: def after

MRKfireworshiper: did u have fun at the dance

AnInnocentBanjo: o baby

AnInnocentBanjo: haha i was such a whore

MRKfireworshiper: u are a whore

thnx miles.

Oh, good times, good times. hahahahahaha i was shimmeying so much that
my boobs were bleeding when i took off my dress. ya, too much info.
anyway. great night.

Then i slept over amy’s…and let me tell u! it was the hottest after
party you will everrrr see. shuda been there…it was wild. lol. we
watched some scary japanese thing. haha…luv ya girl.

Saturday: Stupid me left my bags at amy’s so i didnt have a ballet bag.
went to class and it wasnt that bad…ms. y wasnt as much of a
bitch…but i didnt want to stay for the swan lake audition or makeup
class like my mom wanted me to. we went to lunch at the cafe. awww good
memories. *sigh* then i dont really think i did anything….watched
Ed…YES! then went to market fair and ate dinner and went to see in
good company with jmo, jax, christina, cat and me…and OOOOMG ppl are
SOOOO annoying. the ppl in front of us were little whores…even tho
the guys were hot. hahaha i threw popcorn at them and they got mad. it
was funny…really. haha cat i love u. LOL dinner was sooooo funny
because i was talking about……stuff….and the guy next to us was
soooooo scared. and i got some strange sticky white substance on my
ass…and then i called campbell and didnt realize i was talking about
it. guess you had to be there. <3. then we went to TARGET my fav.
place on earth and i got some cdssss woot. they had to kick us out cuz
it was like 10:30. went home, was stalked by phee (o baby) and watched
snl…then gigi. GOOD DAY!

Sunday: Ah! It’s getting dark already. OMMMMG! The radiators are
fucking broked so its FREEEEEEEZING in here and my asshole dad won’t
pay for them to be fixed. So im wearing like 37289427423973820 layers
and spent the whole day next to the fire. so then i had to go get some
more wood…THAT was an adventure, let me tell u. lol. i think i broke
my butt searching for some wood. then i didnt no that its not supposed
to be wet wood…so it didnt even work. BOO! since i dont have my books
i have like nothing to do…and just wasted the day. woke up at 1.
missed rehearsal. sry shell. so i watched Ed…YESSIR! then actually
read. i read the series of unfortuunate events cuz i was bored. and its
SO cold that my face is frozen so bad that it wont move. its realllllly
weird. anyway. i think i need to go to hun later to do my condom thing.
i missed youth group. woops. sry ame. today was a lazy, cold day.
anyway…i need to do work…but…i cant! wa. i guess ill sit around
and freeze. i almost fainted it was so cold…that’s prolly bad. well
im all alone too…rich and christina are in ny and mommys at the
store. no one will notice my death.

I’m suffering from Mat withdrawl. I haven’t talked to her in ages and
I’m gonna cry. Boo. I need my Marissa. And Sarah’s gone too! Bah.


Jmo bet his virginity to jon on the patriots. this will be the one and
ONLY time in my ENTIRE life that i will care about the superbowl. i am
going to be screaming at yelling at the top of my lungs at the screen.
o dear god. what has the world come to?

Yesterday, in class, Ms. Youskevitch was talking to us about ponches
and how not to dive into it…she said: “There is a point of no return.
Once you take yourself so far down that even you cannot control
yourself, you’re gone.” Sometimes I fear I’ve passed to point of no
return…I wonder if there’s any hope for me at all. Surely, Ms. Y was
talking about a ballet move, but it struck something inside of me.
There’s a change everywhere I go, and I’m starting to wonder if it’s me
that’s changed…not the world. I’ve lost the urge to love, to be loved
and to find the joy in life that I always held dear. A darkness haunts
me and I fear. I fear not death, nor pain, but the prospect of never
coming out again. Going blind. I’ve learned, over time, that I’m
happiest alone. While there’s a constant force pulling me to be social,
I’m genuinely most content in solitude. I ride the elevators up and
down for hours between rehearsals at ballet, just so I don’t have to
talk to them. I go up and down, staring at the walls, praying that
nobody’s there when the doors open. And it’s then when I wonder if
there’s something wrong with me. I don’t recall ever being this way
before…but there’s a terror now. I fear I’ve crossed the point of no
return. It struck me yesterday, as I watched couples walk by, that I
didn’t want that. I wanted to be alone…No one would ever understand
me and it’s easier to never take the risk. No, I never used to be this
way. I want a life of solitude. This is where it’s driven me. Alone. Up
and down the elevators. Feeling the vibrations of the box hurtling me
when my feet refuse to climb…and when my soul refuses to live. Alone.
This is where I am. Locking myself in this hell. I smile, but with no passion. I love, but with no
heart. I feel, but only a whisper. I see, but only what I want to see.
I know…I fear I’ve crossed the point of no return.

Sam closed her xanga. Boo.

Well I suppose I should go do something useful and stop boring you. Not
that anyone reads these extremely long posts filled with pointless
paragraphs. (you can tell ive been reading the series) …that
is…except for my stalkers. which are, sturpisely, quite a few. To
mat, you are…scary…to phee…you are….sexy. Ok actually, maybe I
only have 2 stalkers. but that’s alright…we’re working on it. Either
way, no one in their right mind would stalk me or even read these
posts…yet that seems fitting due to the fact that both Mat and Phee
have lost their minds. Perhaps misplaced…But mine is gone forever.
Not even sure if I was born with a mind…”Detective say no going…you
tell me do things….I done running.”…ya, my motto. If you didn’t
know it before, there is clear evidence now that I am insane…as you
may have deduced. Please stay away
from the semi-permeable, temporarily crazy Lauren stalkers as well as
the permantely “unstable” Lauren…until her whereabouts are secure.
And be sure to steer clear of flying red horseshoes, spongey teeth and
detergent…they can inflict much harm. As for
now…Peace Up, A-Town Down.

“Who I am hates who I’ve been.”

Worst day of my entire fucking life. I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ve learned to hate.

Song of the Day:

“Once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been
well nothing hurts and nothing bleeds
when covers tucked in tight
funny when the bottom drops
how she forgets to fight… to fight

And it’s one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise

As darkness quickly steals the light
that shined within her eyes
she slowly swallows all her fear
and soothes her mind with lies
well all she wants and all she needs
are reasons to survive
a day in which the sun will take
her artificial light… her light

And it’s one more day in paradise
one more day in paradise
it’s one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright… alright

Don’t pretend to hold it in just let it out
don’t pretend to hold it in just push it out
don’t you try to hold it in just let it out and
don’t you try to hold it in you hold it in

And it’s one more day in paradise
it’s one more day in paradise
it’s one more day in paradise
it’s one more day in paradise
one last chance to feel alright… alright

Once upon a year gone by
she saw herself give in
every time she closed her eyes
she saw what could have been”

I can’t even cry…

Not sure what’s wrong with me.

Maybe one day I’ll see again…

And sorry to all those I yelled at today. Campbell you suck.

My life is growing thin. My world is growing distant and I find myself
once more at a crossroads. This place, once my santuary, is now only a
sanction for utter chaos and turmoil. Modern teenagers seem to have
sucked all that is beautiful and romantic from the world into a hole
where nothing is sacred. Nothing that should matter holds any relevance
any longer. Drama compounded on stress in the light of real issues form
this momentary hell where everything seems to matter. For somewhere
along the line, the colors fade and the fear grows to madness in this
society where nothing goes unnoticed. The truth is all we hide from
these days. And upon looking into a mirror, a shadow is all that
reflects. Oh, the life of a high schooler. Woe is me.

Now back to your regularly scheduled Ren.

I wonder if anyone’s picked up on the clues…

Today was a sexpot. Thing’s have changed and are extremely confusing.
It was a REALLLLLY long day. booo. back to school sucked and i was sick
and coughing all over the place. english is evil as always. math is a
bottle of rum. i heart jax. history we were THIS close to being able to
leave then he came. then super hot assembly that me and miles had a
blast at. we were hysterical the whole time…”THAT musta been awkward”
hehe. bio was in the comp lab and nobody wanted me so i “worked” alone.
gots more pics up on the webshots. OWWWW my hiccups hurt like HELL
right now. DIE DIE DIE. saucy. haven’t used that word in a while. 5th
and 6th were saucy. certain ppl are VERY saucy. and i heart miles.
drama was a beast BUTTTT brian and i got called up to do an improv and
we just laughed the whole time…HAHAHA wow it was amazing…i felt bad
tho cuz i messed her improv up. o well. “I like the piano!” french was
boring at hell that woman needs to be shot. allegra and i just passed
notes the whole time. funny funny.

after school was more beastin. lots of thong showing. then lots of
snow. then lots of people…leaving. then….WEST SIDE STORY! *cheers*
OMG it was the MOST amazing thing EVER. i heart it so. we did our first
run through. it was of act 1 and it was SOOO funny…haha no one had
any idea what they were doing and shelly didnt get up on the stage so i
was all alone. *tear tear* dan was hot as usual lolol. there were
definately some hotass moments. dr. byer had no idea what he was doing
either. it was sexy. i missed half my cues…YES! and i dont know which
dress is mine but there’s this HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT one that is GORGEOUS
nd cool and slutty that i REALLLLY want. really badly. really really.
its a sexpot. yup. so that was fun.

after rehearsal we ran into campbell and had dinner with salazar who
*GASP* discovered my deadly secret…actually i dont remember what it
was…that boy has no hair…*shudder* then campbell and i had some
wild sex on the bathroom floor. the end.

went home like 3852908492 hours late. got home and did NOTHING except
talk online to my FREAKY friends. andddd HOTTTT stalkers. <3. im
verrry proud of cattt. anyhoooo…i STILL have not started my hw…is
that me or what? o and talked to yvon and bry. they’re here nearly
everyday now.

phee is beast.

TODAY WAS THONG TUESDAY…hot lime green see through thongs, mind
you…with pink lace and little pink bows too lolol ok shutting
up…sry guys. I HEART YOU. that was so fun today. eek. allegra drew a
picture of a lime green thong on my french midterm…HAHAHAHA.

hahahahahaha i convinced miles i was pregnant and then he was mad when i told him i wasnt so i now i feel bad. ❤

ok…i’ve spent the past hour trying to stop my stalkers fighting over
me…and hehe…talking…dirty…with my junior male…”friends” i
love you guys…i REALLY  loveeee you GUYS. wow. its getting
weird. lol. the whore is currently exiting.

AnInnocentBanjo: so how is ur penis these days?
AnInnocentBanjo: is it nice and…
AnInnocentBanjo: nice
Allergik2Life: nice and?
Allergik2Life: phallic?
Allergik2Life: yes quite
AnInnocentBanjo: yup
AnInnocentBanjo: fantastic

AnInnocentBanjo: sex
AnInnocentBanjo: in a cup
mcfit7070: with TWO bendy straws

(referring to the hotass poets today)
AnInnocentBanjo: they were sexpots
Jman3178: i know
Jman3178: i wanted all three of them
AnInnocentBanjo: chaaaaaaaa
AnInnocentBanjo: doing a “private” poetry reading
AnInnocentBanjo: …wtih no clothes on
AnInnocentBanjo: lolol
AnInnocentBanjo: ontop of me
Jman3178: can i join this “private” reading
AnInnocentBanjo: with a strap
AnInnocentBanjo: and some chainmail
AnInnocentBanjo: OF COURSE
Jman3178: a whip
AnInnocentBanjo: and some butter
AnInnocentBanjo: …make that…
AnInnocentBanjo: MARGARINE
Jman3178: OMG
AnInnocentBanjo: dun dun dun!!!!!
AnInnocentBanjo: *cue margarine sex music*

alright. that’s all for tonight. the banjo is off to be strummed. LOVE TO YOU ALL! especially my penises. mwah

And finally, a quote from the hottest song…in the entire world:

I really wanna tell you something
This is just the way I am
I really wanna tell you something, but I can’t
You make me want to be a man
Arguments that have no meaning
This is just the way I am
You really wanna tell me something, but you can’t
You make me want to be a man- Utada, You Make Me Want To Be A Man


whoa. long ass post. sry….REALLY. i am. im sorry for all those harmed
in the making of this posts. no animals were used for the testing of
any hygene products in this post…except the condoms…it won’t happen
again. I promise. you have my unswerving devotion. (TEEHEE!)

❤ penis lol

Haha…Not quite sure what to say. Mat probably knows more about me
then I do at this point. I wonder if there’s a point in keeping this
xanga anymore…If there’s a point in keeping this Ren anymore. It’s
all just a game. A mask. I really have lost touch with the world…lost
my emotions. I don’t know anything anymore. Maybe I’ll just keep living
this lie.

Today was sexy…i woke up at like 12 and was forced to watch Oprah for
a while…then watched Ed (yay!…TOBLERONE) then “played” in the snow
for a bit. Whenever there’s a snow day, one feels obligated to play in
the snow. However, once one becomes 14 and “playing” merely constitutes
sitting all alone in the backyard eating snow and attempting to make a
snowman out of snow that does not roll together, it becomes a rather
empty experience. I really miss the days when “playing” in the snow
really meant something. But those days are long gone now and all my
snow buddies are too interested in their fiances and girlfriends to
worry about their little sister. Poor little sister. Then came more
Oprah and Frasier and lots of food…that is, lots of food that was
eaten by the dogs…stupid dogs. Haha then I played Mario Tennis for a
while and o baby i am hot at that game. Once I returned to civilization
I realized it wasn’t all that great. Everything’s full of drama. Now
it’s 9:30 and I feel like I’ve wasted the day. Hmph. I’m so
unproductive. And the prostpect of school tomorrow is quite defeating.
Alas, I must return to reality eventually…And I don’t think I can
take another episode of Oprah. I find when I have nothing to do…I
really do nothing. I know that was profound. Hehe.

Hm…I suppose that’s all for now. *Is praying for some sort of delayed opening or cancelling tomorrow*

My favorite quote from Bab 5:

“It’s easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for?”
“I can’t see you anymore.”
“As it should be.”
“What if I fall? How will I know you’ll catch me?”
“I caught you before.”
“What if I die?”
“I can not create life, but I can breathe on the remaining embers.. It may not work.”
“But I can hope.”
“Hope is all we have.”

    — Lorien & Sheridan in Babylon 5:”Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?”


Thanks Mat. You’re all I have left.

Ek. I don’t feel well. Ah apparently it’s monday now. But no school cuz
we’re cool here in NJ. Anyway…today was good…stuck in the house
again…Woke up at 1:30 and had the SADDEST dream ever and if you wanna
hear about it im me…im gonna cry…then some stuffness…i really
dont remember if i did anything today…fire + hot chocolate +
snow=cozy fun.

It was strange…me and my mom and rich and christina and bry and yvon
went out to shovel the snow. Still 6. Just not the same 6. Everything’s
changed so much. As I stood there I couldn’t help remembering all the
moments. And none of them resembled this one…Thing’s are so different
now. But in the end, we had fun…I stood watching the lovers embrace
in the snow from the doorway…so young. Then suddenly she turned and
dove right into the snow. She’s perfect, I must admit…Only she would
be able to make Richard then turn and dive into the snow right after
her. Yes things have changed. And in that moment I subjected to it. I
ran all the way down the driveway and leapt into the fresh pile of snow
right next to them. God it was cold. But refreshing. Giggling we all
stood up only to see Bryan and Yvon soaring past us into the snow. It
was a sight. I’m sure our neighbors think we’re crazy. My mom followed
soon after and we all emerged from the thick snow, covered head to toe
in white. Haha. Things have changed.

After hot chocolate and I Love the 90’s, it was time for Mario Tennis.
YES! haha…I definately wooped Bryan and Yvon. lol. Then omg i was
soooo angry because i was on the last level of the tournament and i had
been playing bowser for 45 minutes because it was going into like 5
sets and the tiebreaker moment and i needed ONE point to win and then
STUPID richard came in and turned it off. Stupido. I was angry. Great
story right?

I’m really sad that I didn’t get to go to Amy’s boohoo. haha ok…after
talking online and stuffness…I was forced (against my will) to watch
Sense and Sensability. Half way thru i escaped their evil clutches to
tell amy and legs about my sad dream. teehee. Ok…so now the movies
over…and I’ve endured Richard’s lecture about how the shot
composition of the film and the lighting and the structure and the
rythm and the blah blah blah was all very good. Boo. Why can’t you just
say you liked it. So now it’s 1:30 and my mommy wants me to go to bed.
So g’night ya’ll.


I heart you.

You’re not supposed to have other friends. ❤

Ek. Ok today I…haha went to ballet class but they were letting us out
at 12 cuza the snow and so then we like wandered around and we were
gonna watch a movie and then we were gonna take pictures but THEN ms.
youskevitch showed up *weep* and we had to take retarded class and i
was gonna faint because i was sickly and SARAH wasn’t there. hoe bag.
anyway. that sucked.

i came home and i really dont remember anything…i watched Ed and Sex
and the City (steph would be proud), Babylon 5 and then like…i think some
movies…i fell asleep…the snow was hot (haha get it…ok…*goes
back to corner*)…then i um um um….ya….then hahahaha later that
night after Love and Death i had the most amazing chat with the guys
from Norfolk Academy lolololol amy was there too…that poor child.
haha amy and i scared everyone away i think.

AnInnocentBanjo: lets hide!
AnInnocentBanjo: in a bucket of light
PesmsticPacifist: and some lighter fluid
AnInnocentBanjo: …that too
PesmsticPacifist: to light yourself on fire
mcfit7070: [ryan follows them]
VegetariansrHOT: with pepper spray
PesmsticPacifist: wen he finds you
mcfit7070: [turns the light on]
AnInnocentBanjo: o dear
mcfit7070: [kiks emlyn in the nuts]
AnInnocentBanjo: *runs away from phee*
redplastic1fan: NUTS
AnInnocentBanjo: …
ablativeuse51: haha
redplastic1fan: ok
mcfit7070: [stalks lauren some more]
PesmsticPacifist: im confused
AnInnocentBanjo: *is confused about emlyns sexuality*
PesmsticPacifist: dont bruise my nuts

PesmsticPacifist: im a nutcracker
PesmsticPacifist: im a cracker
AnInnocentBanjo: emlyn is a crack dealer
PesmsticPacifist: u can get them 1/2 off
AnInnocentBanjo: the crack?
VegetariansrHOT: do you sell it in pretty little baggies?
PesmsticPacifist: yup
VegetariansrHOT: if so i want some
AnInnocentBanjo: do thjey have ribbons on the bags?
PesmsticPacifist: yes
AnInnocentBanjo: because i like ribbons
redplastic1fan: yay
VegetariansrHOT: with curls?
PesmsticPacifist: and little pinwheels
AnInnocentBanjo: if ur gonna get crack might as wel as go all out
VegetariansrHOT: OOOO
redplastic1fan: can u get them gift rapped
redplastic1fan: wrapped***
AnInnocentBanjo: lol
AnInnocentBanjo: and scented?
PesmsticPacifist: yup
VegetariansrHOT: ooo and flavored?
redplastic1fan: yum
PesmsticPacifist: how many do yall want now?
PesmsticPacifist: yes
AnInnocentBanjo: 52 bags!
PesmsticPacifist: like the condoms
VegetariansrHOT: are they camoflauged too?
AnInnocentBanjo: haha camoflauge condoms
mcfit7070: lauren
PesmsticPacifist: yes
mcfit7070: u have add
AnInnocentBanjo: she’ll never see him coming
VegetariansrHOT: dont want the cops to find it
PesmsticPacifist: and cherry flavored
AnInnocentBanjo: *dies of laughter with herself*
AnInnocentBanjo: condoms=good
AnInnocentBanjo: crack=better
AnInnocentBanjo: i want the crack stuffed up my hm hm hm
AnInnocentBanjo: if u no what i mean
AnInnocentBanjo: *nudge nudge*
redplastic1fan: wink wink
AnInnocentBanjo: *hint hint*

VegetariansrHOT: LEAKING
AnInnocentBanjo: 3 nuns in a hut!
redplastic1fan: THE WAX
AnInnocentBanjo: ur leaking?
redplastic1fan: ITS DRIPPING
AnInnocentBanjo: go get a tampon
mcfit7070: FINGERS
VegetariansrHOT: yes!
mcfit7070: I FIGURED
redplastic1fan: I LIKE IT BETWEEN MY
AnInnocentBanjo: or stop using the vibrator
PesmsticPacifist: haha
redplastic1fan: OMG IM VIBRATING
PesmsticPacifist: i cant
VegetariansrHOT: ryan youre a sex fiend

PesmsticPacifist: i want a man with his hotness all down his back
ablativeuse51: i’ll just be here yodeling if anyone needs me
redplastic1fan: ok

alright haha theres much more but im getting bored…its disturbing i
no…i didn’t plan on sharing all that…anyway…then i watched
snl……o baby….



peace out yo.

(That’s Kare Kano, btw, for Mat…good stuff)

The entry got deleted so I had to write it again! waaa

Snow is truly one of the most beautiful things in the world. Intensely
captivating, unmovingly serene and always full of memories. I found it
incredible how no matter where you are, when it’s
snowing…everything’s quiet. The troubles and worries of the world and
your life seem to disappear with each passing snowflake. It’s
unbelievably calm and the world you knew yesterday is now clouded in a
blanket of white. In a mere second…gone. It’s a pure death. A moment
where nothing matters. Rebirth follows, but nothing is quite as special
as that plunge into nothingness. No, I’m convinced that snow is one of
the most beautiful things on earth. And the only reason I don’t drive
myself off a cliff the rest of winter.

I find things may be looking up. Perhaps…One day…Far from now…I
may find it within me somewhere to forgive him. It’s the only choice I
have now. And I want to so badly to be able to want him back. To miss
him. His voice and his face…the way he looked when he got angry. No,
he destroyed
everything I ever had. My life…ripped to pieces. The love is gone.
All that remains now is the empty hope of friendship. The day I become
friends with my father will be a moment to remember. This has been been
a year I’ll never forget. The snow is calming. I remember…But I can’t
do that. “Don’t look back in anger…I heard you say.”

I never thought…

I can’t write much more…my mind is too full of madness. But of
course, with good snow comes good hot chocolate. I suppose I’ll enjoy
being locked up in this house once more.

I feel on the verge of tears. I had nearly forgotten about this
ordeal…But a week from today they’ll be in court again. It seems too
unreal. As strange as it sounds…I am entirely alone. Everyone can
sympathize…but no one…The light is fading and the colors are bland.
Being helpless grows old…But slightly empowering. I’m still dreaming. I give in so easily.

Time to let it go.